Hi! I'm applying

Chatterbox: Chirp at Cricket

Hi! I'm applying

Hi! I'm applying for a school and I have to write an essay to get in. Can you guys give me feedback?

The prompt is about identity.

There are a million ways to classify humanity- European and African, Muslim and Christian, female and male, conservative and Liberal, good and bad and everything in between. Throughout my life I’ve seen tall blue and white candles being lit on a menorah for Hanukkah, the candle’s hues and shades cascading off the walls. I’ve decorated a Christmas tree with my family, carefully placing and admiring the mismatched ornaments, a flying pig, a cute baby picture of my brother when he was little and chubby, and at the very top of the beautiful evergreen, a sparkle-flecked star. Of David. I’ve listened to my grandfather tell me how he came to the U.S.A., escaping the Communists, and I’ve read and heard so many stories that they (or rather I, if we’re speaking scientifically) spin around my mind like stars.

My Mom is Christian, my Dad Jewish. Although there’s no Romeo and Juliet-like conflict between the families, no dramatic shouting ricocheting off castle roof tops; “What’s in a name, that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Oh, Romeo”, these differences sparked an awareness inside of me about religion. When my choir started singing a Christian hymn, I cringed, looking over at my atheist friend. When my Sunday School lesson talked positively about organized prayer in school, I (respectfully) debated with my teacher. As my teacher talked briefly about hope and Easter, briefly mentioning Jesus, I worried that someone was really uncomfortable.

There’s a lot of ignorance and intolerance about religion, hidden in the shadows and stuffed into crowded corners. Once in 3rd grade when I was nine, I brought matzah (a jewish food) to school, shoved in my bright floral lunch box. A teacher assistant came up to me and asked if I was Jewish, commenting that she was, and noticed the matzah. I was elated! I had found someone else that was Jewish in my mostly Christian school, and they knew what matzah was! I told her excitedly that my Dad was Jewish, and my Mom was christian. She replied that I wasn’t Jewish, because my Mom wasn’t Jewish, and you become Jewish through your mom.  

I don’t feel like a ton of people know this, but this happens a lot. There are many sections of Judaism, each snapping at each other, questioning their validity. When you say the word Judaism, it’s like a quilt where some of the fabrics and colors are clashing and seem to be yelling at each other with some of the stitches. I had wandered onto a minefield, blindingly bright floral lunchbox in hand.

It wasn’t, to me at least, that the teacher assistant wanted to make me feel uncomfortable, I think rather that it was just her beliefs that founded her perspective that sparked this comment. She classified Jews as people whose mothers were Jews, whose mothers were Jews, and so on. Her classification of humanity collided and conflicted with mine, but when we went our separate ways, our perspectives no longer clashed.

We went on to classify humanity in our own ways, Asian and South American, Hindu and Buddhist, Transgender and not,  Blue collar and the 1%, Democrat and Republican, good and bad and everything in between.

Thank you! 

submitted by Bibliophile, age 13
(December 4, 2016 - 6:47 pm)

Can I be honest? Please don't take this the wrong way.

It was forgettable. I mean, grammaricaly it was correct, and the writing was good, but I think it felt detached and heartless. I can't really feel your heart and soul in it. I know it was about you, and I know that you felt all of this, but I also got a detached feeling.

Also, if you had not told me, I would have thought it was about the complexities of the Jewish culture, with a list of different ways to classify humans stuck on the front and back. And there were a few other things. Like when you said you had a debate with your Sunday School teacher, I imagine you are almost emotionlessly bringing up the point. I would use a stronger word. Prehaps you questioned him, or explained to him your concerns, ect.

I don't know what the people who will read this paper will want, and who they are. I don't know you, so I don't know what your expirinces are. But I think if you can make a little bit more emotion present, this would be a good paper.

submitted by Gared
(December 4, 2016 - 9:54 pm)