Alright, I'm just gonna say a bunch of junk and if you read it, I applaud you. Mostly I just wanna say everything that's been bothering me, and I'll probably exaggerate, than be mad at myself for exaggerating, but anyways.

I'm just gonna come out and say it- half of my grade is made up of idiots, jerks, bullies, and/or attention seekers. Which makes no sense- I go to a Catholic school, for goshdarn sake! there's only 41 kids in the whole grade, so everyone usually knows about all of the drama. the 'popular' girls tend to find one unpopular kid and sort of mock/tease/trash talk them behind their backs- and right to their faces, but in a way that makes them think the person won't notice. It's happened to G., I., and now H. I'm always fearful that I might be next.

They- that is, the snarky half of my grade- also mock things that really actually hart people and are big probelms- diabetes, the Spanish teacher, LGTBQ+, even really huge things, like racism, sexism, and even cancer.  Stuff that could really hurt people. One time in Religion class, we were discussing a Bible verse that I thought was kinda sexist (it wasn't- just the way our brains work we interpreted it to be), this dude S. turned to me and asked, "Are you a feminist?" and I replied, "Well, yeah". And without hesitation, he said, mockingly, "Men should be paid more than women", just to snigger at me when I got mad. Even worse, one of my best friends laughed with him. I think I can forgive my friend- he doesn't realize how much it actually means to me, or that I was dead serious about the whole concept. Plus, he's always been the kind of dude who likes to playfully tease his friends. He doesn't know how deep these comments cut on my skin, a thoughtul girl used to hanging out with people with a different take on friendship.

Sometimes the playful teasing feels really not playful. Sometimes I feel like my friends don't really, truly care about me. Sometimes I want to ditch them. Then I remember how I'm just used to something different, and they still don't see it. Besides... if I did ditch 'em, there would be no where to turn. 

I sort of have two different people making up me... the immature, loud, annoying, extrovert who only come sout with my friends. Sure, they know I'm not just that girl- two out of the three of them have been with me since Kindergarten. They know I'm smart and do good in class. But they also know I'm so tired of being a Teacher's Pet. I just like doing what's right. Plus, it's hard to get a detention after being a goody-two shoes your whole life. If I told my friends, my grade about even half the crazy mature things my beyond-eleven-year-old brain comes up with, I would be turned into the biggest dope of the grade within minutes. 

I had this friend, L. We were inseparable since Kindergarten, after my old best friend, A., moved away. We did the wackiest, silliest, funnest things all up till fifth grade. Then, after the summer before, we just- stopped. And we both knew it. Neither of us wanted it, or chose it. And we both miss each other. I miss her a lot. For a time, I thought she didn't miss me, wasn't filled with nostalgia every time we passed, wasn't dreaming about some day when we'd hug and cry and be together again. But then, somehow, I just knew... she felt it all too. But... and stay with me here- I don't think she thinks that I miss her. Which sucks. And I'm not gonna do anything about it... so that's that, I guess. 

I have this other friend, a different L., who was sort of second-best friend since second grade, then moved up to first, and now... we hang out less too. We're both afraid of our connection dying, of walking away. We love each other too much. And E. ... oh gosh. My previously mentioned group of teasing friends think I have a crush on E., who's been my friend a year longer than they have. I don't, of course, but... why do I feel weird talking to him if he's my friend and NOT my boyfriend? Grr, probably because my lil group put the idea that I might have a crush on him in my head and now I think I do. Or maybe cuz I have really embarrassing memories from when I was with E. This is too much life to think about for an unpopular, weird 6th grader.

That was... really long. Sorry Admins. Soren out. 

Im really sorry. **HUGS***

Im really sorry. **HUGS***

@Admins,

I hope you read this in its entirety. I will not be offended if you decide to not post it, but at least do me the service of reading my letter.

Thank you for your thoughtful, well-worded comment, Cockleburr. We all did read it and consider its message carefully. At least for now, Chatterbox will remain a site for all young people ages 9 and up, focusing on reading, writing, and other creative and communicative arts, with restrictions upon certain topics for all kinds of people. But all people are welcome, and we cherish your contributions!

Admin

Okay. I’m just gonna vent about a bunch of junk, and this is probably gonna be really long, so kudos to you if you make it through the whole thing.

Where do I start.

I kind of hate myself.

I’m insecure. I have really no self-confidence whatsoever, and I’m down on myself a lot. Most of the time I feel like I’m not good at anything. My writing sucks. My art sucks. My poetry sucks. I’m a terrible dancer. I’m bad at math. I’m bad at school in general. I’m super introverted and awful at talking to people I don’t know well, or interacting at all. It’s pretty rare that I feel good about something I’ve made or done.

Dance is maybe the worst of all of these, so it gets it’s own rant. When I was little dance was just fun, I wasn’t very serious about it, I just liked it, blah blah blah. It’s only been the last few years I’ve really gotten serious. Awhile ago I started taking private lessons along with my group classes, and that was the first time I’d ever really had hardcore ballet. I wasn’t flexible at all, and didn’t have much core strength. When I came out of my first class I was shaking a little because it was so intense. But I liked it, and I kept going and I improved thanks to the private lessons. Then, I think it was at the end of the summer, my teacher told me she had a group class with two other girls, and that she thought I was advanced enough to try it. So I did, with much anxiety. As it turned out, the other girls were really good dancers and (in my opinion) a heck of a lot better than me. There were a lot of things we did that I hadn’t done before, and I thought I did pretty bad. It took me a couple weeks before I went back, but I did eventually. I dropped privates and my other group classes, and I’ve been taking these classes ever since, and I think I’ve improved quite a bit. I know the other girls, and they’re both really nice. But I still think I’m a lot worse than them. They’re both way more flexible than me—though my flexibility has improved, I still don’t have my splits and I can barely do a leg hold (I try to work on my flexibility every day, but I’m still so frustrated by it that it almost deserves it’s own rant, too. I’m so desperate that I sometimes hold my split until it hurts so bad I cry). They’re also stronger than me, and just overall better, in my opinion. Name any one thing in ballet and I bet you they can do it better than me. This doesn’t bug me as much as it used to, because I’m used to it. I go into dance knowing they’ll do better, and I leave knowing they did. Granted, I’m probably exaggerating this. My mom doesn’t believe me when I tell her I’m not as good as them, and she watches the class quite a bit (then again, she’s my mom, so I think that makes her at least a little biased ;). My teacher has said things like, ‘none of you are better or worse at dancing, you all have different strengths and weaknesses’ but...honestly it seems like I have a whole lot more weaknesses and a whole lot less strengths. Sometimes I wonder if they notice or if it’s just me, though, because they don’t act like they’re better. But anyway, I guess that’s it. 

Then there’s my body-image issues. I often don’t like the way I look. I’m a pretty average sized person, but I often wish I was a little thinner, had a flatter stomach, etc. I also just don’t think I’m very pretty in general. Not ugly, just eh. Some days I do think I look good, a little bit, and that’s nice, but it’s not very often. There’s always something to complain about, from my teeth to my nose.

And then there’s just the overall dislike of this creature known as me. I have a thousand things I hate about myself. I think I’m a pretty bad person, honestly. I’m mean. I’m selfish. I’m unhelpful. I have a bad temper. I say snarky and mean things. I make everything about myself. Look at me, right now, wallowing in self-pity when I could be encouraging someone else on this thread. I also feel like I’m not a very good Christian. I don’t like church. I don’t like reading the Bible. I don’t feel very close to God. I wish I did, with all of those things, but I don’t. 

I’m constantly comparing myself to people. In every way. With my friends, with my family, with you guys, with complete strangers. Oh, she’s prettier than me. His art is better than mine. Wow, they’re all so much kinder than me. They’re better people than me. Stuff like this, over and over and over, constantly.  

And the thing is, all these things, I know they don’t really matter. I know I’m valuable no matter what and all that. And yet...and yet it still bugs me. I’m never enough. I need to be better at this, better at that, better in general. 

I even hate myself for hating myself. I feel like I shouldn’t be one of those people who’s always insecure and has issues. I think someone made a thread about this once, called ‘insecurity insecurities’ or something. At the time of the thread, I wasn’t as insecure as I am now and I didn’t quite get it. But now I do. Oh, do I ever.

And then there’s the pretending. All of this—it’s all so much. It piles up, and it’s such a burden. It hurts. I don’t feel all of it all the time. There are better and worse days, better and worse moments. And honestly I’m probably exaggerating it, building it up. It’s not as bad as some people’s problems. My friend has very similar issues, but on a larger scale, so I know mine can’t be that bad. But when I am feeling it all, I can’t just spew it to the world. There are a select few people I tell these things, and in fact I almost didn’t post this comment. So I feel like I have to hide it. I have to shove it all in the back of my mind and slap on a fake smile and act cheerful and tell everyone who asks how I’m doing ‘pretty good’ even though I want to say ‘absolutely atrocious’.  

I think I’ve kept this from tainting the CB pretty well. Every once in awhile something insecure will slip out, but I try to keep it in. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my troubles.

*long exhale* Yeah. As you can see, I’m pretty deranged. I apologize to anyone who was unfortunate enough to have had to sift through that convoluted jumble. But I do applaud you for reading all of it, and even more if you understood any of it. Like I said, I almost didn’t post this...it feels vulnerable. I’m not sure why I’m dumping this on all of you...but it felt good to get out. Alright. We’re doing this. *submit*

We're here for you! It sounds like you're going through a really tough time--thank you for trusting us with your honesty. --Admin