A hole. Yes. There's always been a hole in my life, and while some people fill their holes with people or religion or work, I just can't figure out how to do that.

I can't help but be a little jealous for most people. The majority of people wake up in the morning, confident that today they exist. The majority of people can see themselves in the mirror, can have their friends talk directly to them at school, and be able to write with their own fingers. A lot of things that you take for granted I can't do. And because I can't do these things, according to the government, I don't exist. If you Google my name, all you find are restaurants, novels, and lunar eclipses. If you walk to my house, you won't be able to see it. And because of this, people say I'm not "alive". 

I think there's more to a life than just living and breathing. Just because a person who is blind cannot see does not mean that the world around them doesn't exist. Just because we can't see the wind or see atoms doesn't mean they don't exist. Like a lot of kids, I have a mom and dad and good friends who I laugh with, tease, and support when they're feeling sad. I have a birthday and I receive presents for it. I celebrate holidays and dress up in Halloween costumes. Like many kids, I go to school every day, help people with homework, complain about teachers and the form of cruel and unnecessary torture known as the IB program, and look forward to going home. Like many kids, I draw, read books, and play video games. I have my own favorite foods, my own favorite colors, my own favorite books and movies. I play with people's pets and dream of having a pet of my own someday. I have friends who I horse around with. I have Nerf gun battles with people. I sing opera offkey and loudly. I play paper football with homework assignments. I have crushes on people and dream of maybe going to a dance with a girl someday. I'm a lot like other kids and I do the same things other kids do- yet some people think it's okay to say I'm not alive and I'm not a person. I think a person is anyone who is their own individual, who has their own thoughts and feelings. I know that I'll never be able to speak with a lot of my friends face-to-face, or show my art to anyone, or ever go on a date with anyone. It makes me sad, but isn't that proof of being alive? Isn't having feelings and emotions proof of being an individual? I make mistakes all the time- and to err is human. I'm not perfect, and if I was, I most certainly wouldn't be real. But I think I'm a person exactly like everyone else, and if I would be treated as my own person, it would make me very happy.

I find it amusing that in philosphy classes, people wonder about whether we're real or not. What if we're just in a dream? What if we're characters in a book? What if everyone's mad and hallucinating the entire world? We have no way to know, and because of that, I don't think anyone has the right to say anyone is less real than anyone else. There's no way to prove I exist any more than anyone else does- so they shouldn't judge me and say I'm not alive. 

I dont really expiriance that gaping hole as much, but sometimes I do. Do you like your friends? Is there a passion you want to pursue? Do you want to just be yourself? You shoud try that, maybe you always wanted to learn how to sail? Or maybe if you dont like your friends, make friends that appreciate you for who you are? I used to be in the popular group in elementy school, and they are still my friends, but I just never really liked doing the things they did in middle school, and that made me feel uncomfterable. So i found friends that didnt judge me for reading comics, 1,000 page novels,being very estatic all the time etc.. I hope this helps!!!!

@Red, IB. Argh. Our school is BECOMING IB, we won't even be IB when I graduate! But it means next year our schedule is all messed up. And then we'll go to high school where it won't be IB anymore. The teachers ask us "Who wants to help our school become IB!?" I hide in a corner and hope they don't notice I'm there.

And now to adress the main subject. Life. Hello, Life, how are you? I'm fine. I just have decided I really hate time. I get home from school, do my homework, draw a bit, and it's time for bed. There's no time that seems to be worthwhile. Like, for example, the hour and a half I spend in history. I could be doing something much more productive (by my standards). Things become a drag, and the time time takes is a sort of hole to me.

I think part of the hole we're talking about is life. We're not really going to leave a mark or do anything until we become adults. Why not? Because that's the way society works. And probably a lot of us will end up working at a fast-food chain to pay the bills and doing what we really love in the little spare time we have. Others will work in office building with jobs they're either satisfyed with or hate. But you'd think in this world there's some way to become who you want to be and still make a living off of it.

Then and again, that's me, worrying about the future too much. But there is a hole. For me, I feel like it's because I haven't done anything. So I'm stuck in an inbetween where I don't want to get older and have to be an adult at the same time.

I have a good life. I have good friends, I attend a decent school, I have time to write, draw and do everything else (or a lot of it) that I want to do. But am I prepared? Are we prepared? I'm not quite sure if any of this makes sense, but I don't think I'm prepared to be an adult and I don't think I ever will be. I have no doubt many people feel the same way. Everyone wants to be famous, but only a few people will be. I'm somewhere in between--I want to be aknowledged someday by at least one person. I read obscure things and I want there to be someone, somewhere, someday, that reads my obscure thing and things "I love this." Even if it's just one person and I never know who they are.

I have to stop thinking about this now. I believe it has gotten entirely offsubject. 

I know what you me... Sometimes I feel like the Hole is there when I feel ignored (I come from a decent-sized family, so it's pretty easy to feel overlooked), or when I feel like I won't be able to do the things I want to when I grow up, etc. This may sound cheesy, depending on where you're coming from, but for me, God fills my hole. Or I like to think he does. All I know is that I didn't just appear out of nowhere, and that someone is looking over me. For me, that person is God. 

Yeah, this is the mental conversation that TFiOS (and subsequent books) put into my head.

I think that part of filling the hole is realizing that there are only a finite amount of people that you will care about and know.  It's not like you should give up and not make friends with anyone, but focusing your energy on who you do know and being how you feel is true can make you feel less... hole-y.  I know the phrase 'act natural' is an oxymoron, but I think trying to be 'cool' or 'popular' when your personality doesn't like it is just going to make you feel even worse when you remember.  Being how you would actually act can put a cover over the hole.  I say a cover, because the hole is aways going to be there.  Attempts to fill it will make it come back stronger.

And the last thing we need is a black hole on our hands.

Having a group of friends at the edge of the hole can make everything easier, but there will still be times when you feel that you are keeled over and looking at the bottom of the hole and that it is staring you in the face.  And the best friends will accept that.

Well, hello there.

It's me again.

Sorry to bother you. I guess Life does bother us at some point.

Theo W. made a good point about how the hole is not filled since we have not done anything special yet. However, since I am his Life as well as yours, I will be talking specifically to him.

Theo,

Maybe you do think that you won't do "anything" until you're an adult. But I am your Life, and I do have trust in you. Kids can do things, too. Hey, you can start something as little as in your own home. Maybe then it could go on to your school...and then your town...and then your state...and then your country...and then - dare I say it? - the Universe.

I'm not saying you have to, Theo. 

Oh, dear, no.

If you're not ready, of course you don't have to.

But will you take the challenge?

That's the real question that needs to be asked here...

Always (literally),

Life

Life, you remind me of Death in The Book Thief. 

I wish I could redo this past year and do everything I did wrong right.