Chatterbox: Inkwell

  Snow White Twisted

By Carolyn M.

There was once a King and Queen who ruled over a beautiful land. They were smart and kind and the populous loved them! And one day the queen gave birth to a beautiful baby with skin as pale as the winter snow and lips as red as blood and hair as black as ebony. Snow White.

Now almost all of the royal subjects adored the king and the queen! All but one. A woman old and knarled.The knots and veins on her hands suggested years of work and toil. She was used to living the life of a commoner. Used to the harshness of poverty. She craved power. She would do anything for it... even kill.

The king and queen were overjoyed at the birth of their daughter. They wanted the whole kingdom to rejoice along side them. Every member of the kingdom was cordially invited to a jubilant feast in honor of Snow White. The old woman (Named Krishnova) took this as her chance, she was ready to set her plan into action. The royal family stepped onto the small stage that had been set up for them. They were elagantly dressed in rich coulors which were soon stained red as the knives pierced there hearts Krishnova ran. The baby in hand.

To Be Continued........ 

submitted by Carolyn M, age 12, England
(July 4, 2012 - 9:44 am)

Interesting start!  I always like unconventional spins on traditional fairy tales (think "Ella Enchanted,"  "Fairest,"  "Rapunzel's Revenge" etc...) and this one promises to be good!

A few things-  Watch your spelling.  "Elagantly" should be "elegantly."  "There hearts" should be "their hearts."  Just little things.  

Also, stay away from sentence fragments.  When used sparingly, they can be good to create a dramatic effect, but used consistently they break up the flow of the story and are a bit distracting.

Also, I didn't realize that the royal family was murdered until I went over this again. Remember- this is a big event.  Please- they just got killed!  Go ahead and put more emphasis on this.  Make it clear to the reader.

Again, this was a great start.  Just watch out for those little things, and I can't wait for more! 

submitted by Mattie, District 12, Panem
(July 4, 2012 - 7:19 pm)

Thank you so much for the pointers! I think they'll really help. Stay tuned for the next segment where I will go into greater detail about the death and other situations.

submitted by Carolyn M, age 12, England
(July 5, 2012 - 12:30 pm)

You're very welcome!

submitted by Mattie, District 12, Panem
(July 7, 2012 - 5:41 pm)

The next part is out under comments I think.

submitted by carolyn M, age 12, England
(July 5, 2012 - 1:06 pm)

TOPPITY TOP TOP TOP

submitted by TOP, age TOP, TOP
(July 4, 2012 - 7:20 pm)

Snow White Twisted

By Carolyn M

Continued....

The whole kingdom gasped as the realization that their beloved rulers had been heartlessly murdered hit them. Members of the royal court tryed despretly to help them. Their attempts were futile. The king was proclaimed dead first but the queen, fair and beautiful even in her last moments choked out one last sentence, "Find Snow White." They swore they would though that was the last thing on their minds. They needed to find Krishnova.

Ah. A little more on our friend Krishnova. I know you're probably thinking that I'm going to tell you she's an evil witch but you're wrong. She didn't posses a single ounce of magic. She just knew that people trusted the king's judgement and that would prove a crucial part of her plan.

Krishnova  stopped, huffing and puffing at the door of a small hut.  She lit a candle and stepped inside. The surroundings were dismal. A dirt floor with insects crawling on every inch. A straw sleeping mat caked with grime and filth. And the worst a dingy wall with an impressive array of torture materials. "No more of this life!," She cackled, "For I am the new ruler acording to the 'King's' will!!"

To Be Continued...... 

submitted by Carolyn M, age 12, England
(July 5, 2012 - 1:03 pm)

Okay, next chapter...

First, spelling errors.  Desperately, not despretly.  Tried, not tryed.

And yes, thank you for emphasizing the assassination of the king and queen more.  

"Fair and beautiful even in her last moments."  Lovely!

Yay!  Your use of sentence fragments here is done very well!  And a good description of Krishnova's hut, too. 

I'm interested to find that Krishnova is not a witch, but a clever woman able to manipulate the loyalty of the people...and her name is awesome too.  However, just how is she going to win the people over to her if she's as repulsive as you say?  

I look forward to more!

submitted by Mattie, Distrct 12, Panem
(July 7, 2012 - 5:47 pm)

I'm a fine one to talk about spelling errors.  *facepalm*

Yeah, it's District, not Distrct.  Look, I was tired, okay?

submitted by Mattie, *District* 12, Panem
(July 8, 2012 - 5:24 pm)

This sounds really cool! Reminds me of Gail Carson Levine's novels.

submitted by Everinne, age 13, The Midnight Sun
(July 6, 2012 - 4:27 pm)

@Everinne, that's who inspired me to write a warped fairytale! I love her books!

submitted by Carolyn M, age 12, England
(July 7, 2012 - 3:47 pm)

Snow White Twisted

Continued...

As Krishnova looked around her hovel, the fair baby in her arms began to cry. It was a soft cry, melodic and dainty. Krishnova spat and put the babe on the sleeping mat. She crossed the room and drew a piece of parchment from her tattered sleeve. It was the king's will. The blood red royal seal stared back at Krishnova. The red wax reminded her of the king and queen. Their royal blood. The blood she had had spilt. The fools deserved it in her mind. That was all there was to it. She drew yet another piece of parchment from her sleeve. this one was blank. She dipped her pen in the ink beside her, and wrote. When she was done she pressed the royal seal on the king's new will...

To be continued...

 

I'm finally back and I hope you'll all take the time to read this segment. Thank you to all my previous readers! Smile 

submitted by Carolyn M, age 12, England
(June 30, 2013 - 11:12 am)

Snow White Twisted

Continued...

As Krishnova looked around her hovel, the fair baby in her arms began to cry. It was a soft cry, melodic and dainty. Krishnova spat and put the babe on the sleeping mat. She crossed the room and drew a piece of parchment from her tattered sleeve. It was the king's will. The blood red royal seal stared back at Krishnova. The red wax reminded her of the king and queen. Their royal blood. The blood she had had spilt. The fools deserved it in her mind. That was all there was to it. She drew yet another piece of parchment from her sleeve. this one was blank. She dipped her pen in the ink beside her, and wrote. When she was done she pressed the royal seal on the king's new will...

To be continued...

 

I'm finally back and I hope you'll all take the time to read this segment. Thank you to all my previous readers! Smile 

submitted by Carolyn M, age 12, England
(June 30, 2013 - 11:12 am)