Chatterbox: Inkwell


Okay so I don't know if anyone will read this, so if you do will you PLEASE revew you know just tell me if you like it, and please be honest if you don't like it will you tell me why so I can make it awesome?

      The  Quest

Amazing, Animal, Beautiful


Dear Skyler, it has been so long since I have seen you, so I will meet you in long island sound for summer vacation. My mom already bought me a ticket so I will see you in August. I can’t believe how long it's been since I’ve seen you. I was hoping I could stay with you? great! I'll take that as a yes I can’t wait to see you in two weeks squeeeeee :p

Your friend, Lizzy

                    Chapter 1

“Annabelle!” I nearly screamed my head off. Annabelle came racing down the stairs in her orange camp shirt and some shorts. I must have looked like a crazy person, it was 6am when I received the letter, sure I would have loved to see Lizzy, but not right now, not when lives were at stake. A week ago Jade (my roommate along with Annabelle) was kidnapped by the enemy. They sent us (the best spies ever) a note telling us that we had one month before they do something to Jade, we don’t know what they’re going to do, but we know it won’t be good. The enemy was always threatening us, and taking our stuff, but they have never gone this far. I carelessly flopped down on the couch (face first) and held out the letter for Annabelle to take. I peeked out of one of the satin pillows, and saw Annabelle’s eyes go wide.

“ Well you're going to have to call and cancel” she started “I mean it’s not like she can help us on the quest.” I knew she was right, but deep down I also knew that Lizzy is not the type to take no for an answer.

That night I lay awake in my bed. Annabelle was sound asleep, and I could hear soft, quiet snores.I flip around to stare at Jade’s empty bed, and a single tear runs down my face. I start to fiddle with my necklace, The one With a big S in the middle, Annabelle, and Jade gave it to me for my birthday. This can’t be happening I think. The next morning,   Annabelle was downstairs making  a huge feast for breakfast.

“Woah!” I said. “Why such a big breakfast feast?”

“Well I have a big surprise for you!” Annabelle said.

“What is it?” I asked. “It’s a  surprise!” she replied with a sly smile.   

“Okay, fine” I slowly slinked back up stairs to find something had been nibbling on my pillow and I had the faintest smell of magic (people like me are trained to smell magic). I crept over to the closet, not knowing what to expect.I carefully opened the door  with a big gulp and  and almost exploded there was a majestic unicorn eating my pants!

“What the!” I yelled at the top of the my lungs.

“Hey! Your pants are hard! Are they rubber!” the unicorn shouted.

“No, there armour!”I replied.

“Can you scratch my back? I am as itchy as a dog!” the unicorn demanded.  

“ Oh no!” I replied sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and started scratching the unicorn behind the ears.  

“ What am I having a rainbow situation? Oh ya! That’s the spot!Also my name is Ted fuzz!” the unicorn shouted. Just then Annabelle came through the door with a piece of paper in her hand “ this, is for you, also you sound like eddie from shrek Ted!” she said.

Chapter 2

    Dear Skyler, I have great news it turns out that my flight was canceled so I’m gonna be there even sooner now. Meet you in long island sound on friday.   

Love, Lizzy

“Oh just great!” I said. “This is going to be bad”

“ At least we have a few days” Annabelle just stared at me.

Friday is today” she said with her wide eyes.

So, yeah, would this be a bad time to ask for food?” The very needy unicorn asked. I slowly stumbled out the door and down to the empire state building to meet Lizzy.

I was waiting on top of the empire state building when I saw Lizzy. She looked pretty with her long brunette hair flowing in the late August air. She stood there, in a long purple sundress with ocean blue sunglasses to match her piercing blue eyes.


“Who in power planet is Lizzy?!?!” I couldn't believe that I started to run toward a complete stranger. Not to mention yelling hysterically as if to say, “Hi!!! I’m here Lizzy. It’s Skyler!” But this was NOT Lizzy.

“Holy cow i am so sor-” I started to say but this not Lizzy girl  was not that nice

“Whatever” she said sarcastically I held out my hand trying to be friendly the strange girl shook it. I managed a smile, though 2 seconds later there were hands covering my eyes, now being the spy that I am I my elbow back with jaw breaking strength

“oww”  Lizzy said with a grone. I covered my mouth with my hand. I could   not believe that I just elbowed her in the stomach! I took her hand and lead her to a bench .

“I am so sorry, lizzie I had no idea that was you!” I said I pulled out my phone, and called Annabelle, and in no time she was here with of course her inspiring words to live by.

“ So you invite a complete stranger into our house, and now you ask this Lilly person to live with, have you lost your mind? with have a very important miss- paper for school! have you forgot about Jade?” Annabelle was screaming her head off in the middle of the empire state building, and she said she wanted a low profile, right. I didn’t have a respond for anything Annabelle just said.

“technically, I didn’t ask Lily to come live with us,” I said. There really wasn’t anything else to say.  

“Wait a second are you Annabelle and skyler?Also this is my dog Maisie, we are just going on a stroll,” The girl said.

“WHAT?! How do you know our names!?” Annabelle said.                                                                 “ Uhh, where pen pals” normally I don’t like to lie to Annabelle, but she would faint, if I said I met a total stranger in a dream.

“yeah, Skyler invited me to spend the rest of the summer at her house,” lily said trying to help.

yeah, Annabelle I invited a total stranger without your permission into our house, I thought.

“Well since you're here and all,” Annabelle started. I stared at her with pleading eyes. What Annabelle didn’t know is that even  though Lizzy can’t help us get Jade back, someone with powers, like Lily can help. “You may as well stay” she finished.

 Chapter 3

Dear spies, we still have Jade! We are waiting, you know what we want bring it soon! You have no more than one week seven days, before… well you know what will happen, we will erase Jade’s memories and turn her evil. Tick tock your time is running out Skyler, Annabelle, Lizzy, and  Lily. That’s right we know all, we see all, and you know your time is limited. Mwahahah!   

Your enemy, Lyra

“No, this is so, so bad!” I say I just read the letter. I don’t know what to do!


Lily pulls me out of bed, after Annabelle and Lizzy are asleep, with Maisie. She holds out the note and I take it. I am glad she is here but I don’t want my things getting snooped around in by a little 14 year old (even if I’m only 15).

“I know it is non of my business, but I think I know how to locate Lyra.”     

The name gave me shivers, Lyra.

“You okay? I can tell by your shivering your kinda uncomfortable,” Lily said.

“Um, just a little cold I guess,” I lied. I walked to my bedroom but I couldn’t sleep so I walked down stairs, to find Lily had raided my Freezer! She was sitting at the table eating ice cream with a side of broccoli. She was pretty weird, but for some reason she felt like family.

“Ohh!” Lily exclaimed. “I didn’t hear you come down! Broccoli?” She says holding out a piece of a little green tree. I shake my head, and and walk to the fridge there has got to be something I want to eat! I end up grabbing a  couple strawberries and a slice of cinnamon bread. I pull up a chair and sit next to Lily, she looks surprised, or maybe learning about some crazed person stealing someone.

“AHHH!” Lily screamed. There was Tedd Fuzz (our unicorn) nibbling on Lily pants. What is with him and pants?  I pushed at Tedd’s fuzzy tail (hence the name Fuzz) and smiled at Lily.

“Sorry, Lily! Tedd can be pretty weird…and also cute dog!” I thought for a moment, “strange though I haven’t  seen him in a while.”  I grab a pen and paper then start writing. We have to start somewhere and this is the place.

Chapter 4

Lyra I know you have Jade, you have had her for months why would I forget? I know what you want, but Jade would never let me give it to you. The golden heart is the last of it’s kind, there is no  way you will ever get your hands on it! Lyra, what happened the Lyra I used to know… well I don’t know, but she would never do something like this. Look, you can do a lot of things that makes me mad, but I don’t care that much. But  now,you have gone way too far Jade is as innocent as the spiders living in your lair. Just know I am coming, but I will be anything but alone. Be ready, It’s time for a fight.

From, Skyler.



My sister, Skyler,” I told charles my servant. “Skyler was always the goody-two-shoes, I mean I was never Bad. Just more, interesting you know? AGREE WITH ME OR I WILL PUT YOU WITH MY CHICKENS!AND THEY BITE!!!!!!”

“Yes madam, ahem, Lyra, but  I know if you noticed, but…- um……….. Skyler said there would be a fight. Should we be worried?” I thought about that.

“No, they are weak, and they can be defeated easily,even though Lily is THE CHOSEN ONE!” stopped and thought for a moment, “Actually they could be useful no defeating just capturing!”

“RUFF RUFF!” I hear from my dog, Violent, from the other room.

CRASH! I run to where the noise came from, my room, there was shattered glass on my dark purple rug. “Ohh go do something useful I can clean this up myself!” I snap at delila my  interen. I pick up the picture frame that fell. My picture, I was in the middle with linked arms with Skyler, and Lily was blowing a kiss the camera.

When we were 10………..

Lyra, what are you doing?” Sky said laughing. I had my hands on my hips pointing to something out in the distance.

“It’s called posing, not like you would know anything about it, you're so boring sometimes sky!” I scoffed. Skyler just rolled her eyes and linked her arm in mine. Our ‘Mom’ (we are real sisters, we were just all adopted, we have the same birth mother, we think) held the camera in her hand Skyler and my first day of fourth grade while Lily goes to third. At the last minute, Lily blows a kiss to the camera, I laugh. Mom goes back inside leaving the three of us in the front yard. Four boys walk by about sky and my age, they seemed to know Lilly.

“Wow, Tom, look it’s Lily pad!” they boy with dark black hair said. Lily seemed to scowl, which was weird since she was always so upbeat. “What’s wrong Lilly pad? Dogs got your tongue?” he said, lily seemed to cower trying to get behind Sky. So this is why Lily wasn’t excited I always thought it was because she didn’t like school, but she convinced me it wasn’t that, she told sky to not worry about it, and told me it wasn’t my business. Nobody, messes with Lily, I could tell Skyler was thinking the same thing.

“Oh so you're the boys we have heard so much about,” sky said evilly. The one, boy, Tom gulped, but put on a confident smile.

He pushed a stray blonde lock of Skyler’s hair out of her face and said, “Oh, what did the pretty girl heard about little old me?” he said, pretending to be flattered. I could have sworn that red fire swirled through, Skyler’s eyes, she hated being judged just because she was blonde. She gently took Tom’s hand from her shoulder and judo flipped him to the ground.

“If you so interested in what we heard about you,” I said starting to take over, “it was, if you don’t promise to stop tormenting Lily only three of you are getting out of here,” I smile and said in a sweet tone, “But, i mean, you're choice.”

“W-we’re sorry!” they say all except Tom, who seemed to be at a lose of words from being beaten by a girl.

“Tom?” Sky says innocently, all most sweetly.

“W-w-what they said,” he said he whipped his head from me to Sky and back to me, if he didn’t stop soon he would get whip lash I thought. I turned and saw Lily smile, she came up and hugged us, way stronger than any nine year old should be able to.

“No worries Lil, I will always destroy those guys for you,” Sky says smiling.

“Diddo, it was actually kinda fun,” I said laughing.

Back to present………..
I, Lyra had promised to always help Lily, but what was I doing now? The exact opposite, I almost feel guilty, almost. I toss the glass shards along with the picture into the trash, and I feel as if something inside me broke, but I ignore it, I have evil plans to work out, no time for distractions.

Chapter 5

Dear Sky, and Annabelle, it is I Jade! Yay! I know everyone is so relieved I’m alive and all that, but you have to listen. Lyra will do anything for the golden heart I heard her talking about someone, this might be a distraction, but if there is a girl with you, by the name Lily, ask her to explain everything. If you don’t know a Lily ignore this part completely. Ask her to train you, she is supposedly younger than you, but she possesses, much more power than you could ever imagine. Worry about yourself, I can handle whatever Lyra has planned for me, but something tells me that you could be used greatly if she got you, promise me that you’ll all still be living when I get back, or you know you could be a zombie, i’m not picky, just don’t eat my brain.

From the one who wants to keep her brain, Jade

Could this be the real Jade? Of is this one of Lyra’s sick jokes? It could be either, but somehow, I can tell that it’s actually Jade. a ghost of a smile teased Annabelle. “What? Come on Skyler Spill!” she said jabbing me in the arm. I simply hand her the note, “No way,” she whispers.

“Well lucky for Jade, I don’t plan on becoming a zombie,” I laugh. I have missed her so much especially her sense of humor that just seemed to lighten the mood, even when it was so the wrong time. But I know what I have to do, even in the letter Jade seemed serious at the part where I ask Lily about what’s going on.  “Lily, I need to know what’s going on, do you have any idea?”

“Um, I would love to explain it all, but you would think i am crazy so, let's start with this, who is your family,”

“Annabelle and Jade, that’s kinda the reason I’m so intent on getting her back,” I say.

“I-I mean you're m-mom,” she said quietly, I felt tears pricking at my eyes but I fight them back.

“I don’t have one, well I mean I had one once, but not now,” I say bitterly. Staring out the window, I remember her, slightly. Her chocolate hair, green eyes, the smile she would give when I laugh. I tried so hard to remember her face, but after a while it just disappeared forged together with all the random people I see everyday, but I would recognize her eyes anywhere neon green strange, but beautiful.

“Well you have to have something, a-a watch! Do you have a watch?” I stare at the girl, honestly I understand why she would say we would think she was crazy, but something inside tells me I should trust her, I go into my room and dig around in my bedside table drawer. Finally I pull out a diamond encrusted watch, there used to be shimmering jewels for each hour but for some reason there was only four. Before I get back to the kitchen, I notice that the watch seemed to be broken, but that wasn’t the weird part, it was what time that watch was at. Exactly 12:00 even the second hand was on twelve.

“I have this,” I hastily show Lilly the watch, a huge grin shows on her face.

“Twist it to the right time,”

“Look, I’m sorry to disappoint, but that thing seems like that watch has been dead for a long time,” Annabelle said. I look at the diamonds, not all four together, but each spread out three numbers in between each. Lilly’s eyes plead with me to listen, to believe her, and I know that I have nothing that tells me I shouldn’t believe her, and like I said before, she does seem like family. I slowly start to turn the minute hand around the watch, the hour hand slightly moving whenever, I turn the minute hand. Each time the hour hand reached a new hour, I had images race through my head, which gave me a splitting headache. I get so caught up, I don’t realize I miss the three, but that’s fine, I think, I’ll just go all the way around, each number I remember a year's worth of memories from that age. I reach the ten, and I see Lyra yelling at three boys, and me, I had judo flipped one, the boys, I know them, they work for Lyra! They were the ones who teased Lilly. I reach eleven fifty-nine, I see a woman in a black cloak, she had long chocolate hair, and neon green eyes.

“This is for your own good,” she said with such a sweet honey like tone, no one could believe what she would do next. I giant purple orb, shot from her hands, it engulfed me. Then I reach the one as thirteen, when I meet Annabelle and Jade. then I get to three, and all those memories I already know. But, now I remember why Lily felt like family, she was, from power planet, where we were all from Lyra, lilly and me, had powers.

“Put it on,” lilly, says, the ticking watch was cold and the fabric strange, it seemed to fit perfectly. “Tap each diamond,” she said. I did, and i jump in surprise, the small watch shimmered and rearranged itself into, giant golden shield, in the middle was a medium size blue diamond.

“Wow,” I breathe, Annabelle's eyes wide. “This is amazing, what does it do?” I ask, turning to lilly there is no way that this thing is only a regular shield.

“Well, it’s magical, it can embrace any magic without denting. Do you-do you remember everything?” she asks, hope filling her eyes. I decided to surprise her and read her mind, considering she used to do it ALL the time when we we’re kids she wouldn’t mind, right? Please, please please remember! I need sky back I lost Lyra, but I won’t lose her too.

“Oh, Lil, i’m not lost! At least I don’t think so,” I say. She smiles and embraces with with a rib breaking hug, really, after we rescue Jade, I think i’m going to have to go to a doctor. “Now, where is Lyra? I have a certain girl to judo flip,” I say Lily laughs and Annabelle looks lost.

Chapter 6

Dear Lyra, I have noticed a slight change in Skyler and Lilly’s behavior they seem to be closer, what do you suppose we do, what if Skyler learns who she is? I know, I know you're going to tell me I worry too much, but this plan is to important, they will slip up, and really, they already did, letting me in was Skyler’s biggest mistake.

Your humble henchwoman, Lizzy

Oh how easy it was to trick Skyler, honestly, and she calls herself a spy, not in my book. The real person I’m worried about is Annabelle, she is the one who will find out who I really am. Oh what am I talking about, no one will find out what i'm doing until too late, but I have high suspicions that it will be Annabelle. I never liked her though, Annabelle. She always got on my nerves I’ll be happy when she’s gone, well not gone, we’re not crazy, but she will be out of my hair, and that’s good enough for me.

“What are you doing?” Annabelle’s voice rang out in the room. I shut my laptop a little too late. “You-you're on Lyra’s side? You know what’s going on?” she pauses “and you have the nerve to show your face around here!” she screeches. I must look surprised and nervous, because I see her smirk. I flick my hand and the door slams.

    “Well, what are you going to do?” I say smiling. “I mean, it’s not as if you could tell Skyler, she would think you're being jealous,” I say evilly. She seemed to consider this weighing her options. “Well?” I say smiling that the one girl that can’t seem to stop talking just did.

“You're on the wrong side, do you really think that this, is right? Cause I don’t. You're right though, I can’t tell Sky about this, but I will stop you,” she says, pushing past me she walks out, huh, not the reaction I thought. But no matter, what’s she going to do? It’s not exactly like the odds are siding with her. Well I might as well keep up the act, I think. I put up my brunette hair, in a braide, and I walk out to the kitchen, where Skyler Lilly and Annabelle are talking. I decide to stay quiet, hoping to gather some information. I stand behind a potted plant staring intently at Skyler as a plain wrist watch suddenly turns into a huge shield. She says something and Lilly comes over and hugs her. And then I decide to make an appearance.

“Hey! Um wow, what is that?” I ask pretending to know nothing. Lilly frowns and then quickly taps the center diamond and whispers something I can’t hear or understand, but Skyler clearly can.

“Oh it’s only something for next halloween,” Skyler says suddenly. I turn and see Annabelle staring at me, not fear, but pure furry. She knows that I know what to do. After realizing that Lilly had somehow gotten Skyler’s memories back, I enchant my own head making it unreadable for mindreaders like Lilly and Skyler. Now for the best part of my day.

“Oh, um, okay, I guess. I’m gonna go for a walk, still pretty new to New York and all that,” I say, but I highly doubt that anyone, but Annabell, was paying me any attention. I shrug it off, it will all be worth it soon. I shut the door quietly behind me, taking the same route I take everyday. Making sure no one had followed me, I take my final right to reach my destination. An abandoned, old shop, that Lyra had adopted as her secret lair. I head to where the back room would be and take an elevator down to the very bottom level, L.L we all like to call it, of course L.L stood for Lyra’s Lair. I smirk, this would be where I see the, oh so great spies fail, lose, and no one other than Skyler’s own sister.

“Ah Lizzy, what have you noticed so far?” Lyra’s voice echoes throughout the room. I wait for her to come out of the shadows then explain everything. Lyra looks impressed. “So Skyler has her memories back? Hmm, that may be a setback, but nothing I can’t handle, I need you to get them here soon, Skyler’s powers will still be rusty for the next week two days at the least, if she has good training,” she instructs. This would be easy, I had already had a plan, now to put it to action.

“Of course, give me a day, I’ll get them here tomorrow,  friday at the least,” I say calmly. I walk back, going through options of things to say, I have to say the right thing, to make sure they don’t suspect anything, or take too long to plan. Maybe this wouldn’t be as easy as I thought, no matter, my work is close to being done, finally. I push the door open, breathing heavy like I ran the way home.

“What? Liz what happened to you?” Skyler says, not suspecting a thing. I look around, it seems to be her and Lilly, no Annabelle in sight, could this be a training session? If so, it’s a very good thing I interrupted, otherwise, well I don’t want to think about what would happen with Lyra if Skyler’s powers were on full blast.

“Th-there was a girl, our age, over by-by that abandoned st-store, black hair weird purple eyes, was saying something about, about, another girl, mentioned Skyler, ran back here,” I pant, like I was hyperventilating. I look around Lilly and Skyler staring at me in horror. And Annabelle leaning against the wall a smug look on her face, what was she doing?

“Uh, just out of curiosity, Lizzy, what were you doing over by that empty store, not shopping I hope, everything there is gone, and besides that’s pretty far from here, don’t you think?” she said, obviously thinking that I didn’t plan for this. Wow did she think I was born yesterday.

“Little girl, she lost her dog, well he ran away, I tried to help, and he darted into the store after we chased him down the street,” I smile as I see Annabelle’s expression falter.

“Where did you say you went again?” she asked I was busy focusing on Skyler’s eyes stormy and angry.

“Lyra’s Lair,” I say absent mindedly. Then I mentally face palm. “Okay, okay,” I say while thinking of an excuse. “Yeah, so I guess you caught me, I didn’t really come here to see you, I came to work on the missing person case. I need this one last mission, then I can become a full on spy,” I lie.

“Oh you have GOT to be kidding me!” Annabelle nearly screams. “She is so obviously working for Lyra, I caught her emailing her!” she yells. She finally snapped, things would finally get a little interesting.

Chapter 7


Dear Annabelle, I heard what happened to you, Lizzy is so thurow in her weekly updates, that’s right, this scheme has been going on under you nose for two weeks, but I didn’t write to brag, I wanted to give you an offer you can’t refuse. Annabelle if you bring the golden heart, I can split the ultimate power it has with you, we could rule the world, Lizzy has told me much about you, you're smarter than you think, even Lizzy thinks so, and, no offence she despises you. With you by my side, you and  I could rule the world, people would cower at just the thought of our names, no more worries, about money, food, I know your past Annabelle, waiting for someone who was never coming to walk through that front door. Waiting for the soft loving hug that never came. Come with me, we can get revenge on all who doubted you, all who thought you were nothing show them otherwise, Join me.

Your hopefully future world ruler, Lyra

“Stop! Just stop. What are you saying? Are you even listening to yourself? Working for Lyra? You know, I knew that something like this would happen, you just can’t seem to get the idea that I have other people in my life, through your thick skull, why are you so afraid? That I would replace you? Well even If I did, at least it would be by someone who would explode every time, I just so happen to invite someone that they don’t happen to like. When would you even see that she is emailing anyone? You're too resistant to even be in a room with Lizzy, you think she’ll do something that she’s a monster, well right now, you're the monster, I want to save Jade as much as you do, but I’m not accusing innocent people of working with her, I mean for all I know you could be working with her trying to turn us on each other,”

I stare at my reflection in the mirror, how could Skyler blow up at me like that. The tears work there way and I don’t even try to hold them back, I’ve held them too long. That last time I cried this hard was six years ago, I remember it like it happened yesterday, I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking that it was happening again.

“Dad, why do you have a suitcase?” I said watching as my father came down the stairs with a scowl on his face, he was dressed for work, but he had piled most of his things into a suitcase, that he now held in his hand.

“Oh, Belle, it’s nothing, okay?” he said his voice cold but he was trying to hide it. At the time I had no idea what was going on, I was too oblivious. “Goodbye Annabelle,” he says. And I look up from the legos I was building. He almost never called me anything but belle.

“Bye,” I said giving him a hug.

I came out the school building, looking for Dad’s car, but instead I see Mom’s in the student pickup lane, Dad never did that he would take the time to park and wait up front for me to come out. “Where’s Dad?” I asked climbing into the backseat.

“Not here,” she answered bitterly. We ride home in silence, while she cooks dinner, I wait at the front door for Dad to come back. “Dinner!” Mom called. I walked into the kitchen and see Mom had already started eating, I sit down staring at her. “What?” she said.

“Aren’t we going to wait for dad?” I squeak, just loud enough to hear.

“Annbelle! When are you going to get it through you thick little skull that he’s not coming back! He’s never coming back,” she chokes on a sob. I stare at her, tears streaming down my face, she stares at me blankly, not caring that I just lost the one person in my life that cared about me, well I guess since he left me, he didn’t care. I got up, leaving my dinner untouched,  and head up to my room, tears now blotching my vision. I start to throw miscellaneous things into a giant suitcase, that was stored in my closet, soon my room is bare my bed and all the big things are still there, but cloths and everything else is packed. At two A.M I leave, no note nothing that could be used to track me down. I don’t say goodbye to my mother, one because she’s asleep and two, I don’t care about her, if she doesn’t care about me, I tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear, and walk out the front door.  






submitted by Annabeth C., age 11, CA Sacramento
(August 26, 2016 - 1:12 pm)

Here's my review Laughing

I really enjoyed the setting of the story and how they're spies, but you need to work on the charecters a bit. I love how you made Lizzy a spy against the spies-but you never tell us who she really is at all or why she's done that. I think it might add a bit more flavor to an already delicious story Smile 

I also love your first person (I sometimes can't stand stories done in third, but to my suprise Percy Jackson was pretty easy to read) but when you transition from Skyler to Lyra to Lizzy, it's pretty hard to tell whos who for some readers, although I enjoy telling it from the Villian's POV very much, when I first read the passage by Lyra, I thought it was still Skyler until I dived in deeper.

Also, you might be preparing to get attacked for your writing style, which doesn't explain much, you just have to figure it out, but that's not true. There's a good book called Chalice that also works that way, and it's mainly because the Author knows everything, and kinda forgets that the audience knows everything. BUT I love the story, and yes, it can work like that! Chalice did fine!

A few tips, and I really am trying to be more constructive than critical. My mother is exactly the same way where she gets way too critical....ANYWAYS.

Tip 1.  Instead of confusing us (I don't mean that to be rude, I mean it to be constructive) with first person, try only using first person for one charecter, like Skyler, or Annabelle. But for other charecters, you can try to bend third person to make it more of first person without being confused. Substitute the Is for their name, without changing the fact that it is from their perspective. Sorry, it's hard to explain. But we later, towards the end, discover that it's them, so it's okay any way, but a bit less confusing this way. Smile


Just kidding.

But seriously, awesome.

Also, I have a question. What age range do you want this to be read by? 


submitted by Icy, age 11, The Forest
(August 27, 2016 - 7:58 am)

This is a great story! I'm so excited to see what happens next!

submitted by Jack-a-Nat, age 11, WOW!!!
(August 27, 2016 - 8:21 am)