TAKE WING!I

Chatterbox: Inkwell

TAKE WING!I

TAKE WING!

I know that several of you are on the NaNoWriMo Young Writers site. I wanted to share the story I'm writing on it with you all. (It's also on the Critiques and Novel Feedback" forum.) I know that you will never judge me or make fun of me. And I also know that even if nobody ever reads this story, I will have at least posted it here. I've also included a short section of it here, and a form from NaNo that tells you a little bit about it.

Length: 8,000 words so far, but more every day!

Language: English

Brief Summary: A teenage orphaned girl, Zoey, discovers her heroic destiny in a far-off land populated with dragons, Fae, unicorns, and so much more. But the more time she spends here, the more she realizes that not everything is as it seems. An evil is rising, and only she can stop it.

Known issues: Not everything makes as much sense on paper as it does in my head...

Critique would be much appreciated! While I do like all the "oh yeah it's great keep doing that", I also want honest feedback. If you think something could be improved upon, let me know! 

This is an excerpt from the first chapter. There's also a prologue and several more chapters. If anyone posts that they're interested in reading the rest, I'll post it.

 

And the prince and the princess lived happily ever after. The End.

I sigh happily and close the book of fairy tales. I’ve always liked them. Fairy tales always end well-- even if my story doesn’t.

Case in point: middle school gym class.

I’ve been “excused” from “physical activity” because I’m, apparently, “malnourished”. That’s a fancy way of saying that all the rich parents of the rich kids at the oh-so-fancy Northbrook Academy don’t want me messing up their kids’ PE class.

I’m the charity case here at Northbrook, picked up out of the orphanage a year and a half ago. I’ve been here ever since. They want me here to show how “kind” and “generous” they are, by allowing a nobody like me to have an education as good as people like them.

Or so I’m told, only about, oh, one million or so times a day.

“Hey, charity case!” one of the other students calls as a ball rolls to a stop on the floor beside me. “Throw back the ball!”

I roll my eyes, and for a second I consider ignoring him, just out of spite.

“Fine,” I call back, and kick it vaguely in his direction. It lands at the feet of the most popular girl in the school, Shaina Wintermere. She cringes back.

“Eww! I don’t want to touch it now! The charity case touched it!” she shrieks. The class laughs, and some shoot me dirty looks-- apparently just for existing.

Shaina’s boyfriend, Justin Glendale, runs over to her.

“Kick it here,” he says, holding out his hands to catch it. The students are playing some sort of game that involves both kicking and catching.

Shaina half-heartedly nudges the ball with her toe, and he picks it up.

Justin nods at me. “Thanks,” he says, then runs back into the thick of the game.

I think the humid gym air must have muddled my malnourished brain. The most popular boy in school can’t have just looked at me, much less thanked me. I decide it’s a hallucination brought on by too many fairy tales.

By the time gym ends, I have re-read half the book of fairy tales, and the ball hasn’t rolled back over here once. When the bell rings and all the students pour out the door of the locker room, I stand up and stretch. My academy uniform-- a black pleated skirt, white collared top, and a blue tie-- is slightly too large for me, and it’s gotten all wrinkled from the folded position I’ve been in the last few hours.

I hear Shaina and her followers snicker as they pass me, their perfectly-fitting uniforms looking like they just came out of the bag. I tug self-consciously at my own uniform.

As I’m leaving the gym after the other kids, a hand lands on my shoulder. I whip around. It’s… Justin?

He falters when he sees my angry expression. That anger isn’t directed at him, exactly-- more like at Northbrook as a whole.

“I just wanted… to… um, to thank you, I guess,” he says, hesitating. “For, um, kicking that ball towards me.”

I snort. “You make it sound like some life-changing event. I kicked a ball. End of story. You’re welcome.”

Justin nods. “And, um…” Now he seems just flat-out uncomfortable. I raise an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name,” he blurts out, then stares at his shoes.

I shrug. “Charity case. That’s what all of you call me, isn’t it?”

I start walking away. I’ll be late if I stay talking much longer.

“I’m sorry about that,” he says, and I turn slightly over my shoulder.

“What?” I ask.

Justin looks up from his inspection of his shoes to meet my eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for calling you a charity case all this time. It was really mean.”

He sticks out his hand. “Justin,” he says.

“I know,” I say. “Zoey.”

Then I turn and walk away, to Ms. Muiller’s English-Language Arts class.

 

 

I hope that shows up correctly... it might not. Oh well.

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker, age 156 moons, Enterprise
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)

Awesome! I'm super excited to read more, I love the last update! And the prophecy makes a lot of sense the way you just explained it. I like it!

submitted by Quill
(April 3, 2019 - 2:37 pm)

I'm glad you're excited! I'm also glad it makes sense.

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 4, 2019 - 12:40 pm)

Oh, cool, that makes sense!

submitted by Kitten, Pondering
(April 3, 2019 - 10:05 pm)

Great!

submitted by Starseeker, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 4, 2019 - 12:41 pm)

Wow, it's uh-- it's Friday again! Here's the content. (Admins, I'm not sure exactly what the rules are for violence and blood, so feel free to edit anything that you deem inapporpriate. I don't want to break any rules or make anyone feel uncomfortable.)

~~~

((This first section is continuing from where we left off. The dragons have kidnapped Zoey and are resting on a mountain. Chaparral is arguing with Zoey.) 

What do you think they’re going to do when you don’t measure up to their stupid ‘prophecy’? Chaparral taunts, sliding his Astra across my throat menacingly. They’ll kill you quicker than a SkyFire diving from the sky.

Enough, Chaparral! Stratus roars, and I flinch from the volume. Chaparral growls, his Astra quivering with the force.

You are not my leader, he hisses, tail swishing. I answer to my Arthrum and my Arthrum alone!

Your Arthrum put you in my command for this mission, Stratus continues. He turned over direct control of you to me, until the sun sets on the third day. It is the second day. You answer to me, upon the will of your precious Arthrum.

I will not listen to you, Chaparral hisses, his eyes lighting up with menace. But then they seem lit with more than menace and I gasp. His body jerks and spasms, twisting in all directions. His Astra slips off my neck and he roars loud enough to shake the ground. The greenish light flows out of more than his eyes, spilling out from between his scales and gaping maw. With another roar, the green light envelopes him completely, and I shield my eyes as a bright green flash covers the world. When I blink my eyes open, Chaparral is gone, and a monster is standing in his place.

Chaparral had been small and wiry, not particularly imposing; but this monster is everything he wasn’t. It’s huge, almost as big as Stratus, with rippling muscles and rough-looking scales. Upon its frilled head is six pupiless green eyes and a mouth that opens sideways when it roars at us, displaying two rows of teeth dripping with wet saliva.

A shillorog! Catfish roars in my head.


Catfish, get Zoey to safety. Morrowmist and I will take care of the shillorog, Stratus orders. Catfish immediately scoots forward and snatches me in his claws, grabbing the back of my shirt roughly in his mouth. Then he stands and leaps to a boulder on the mountainside, then another, until we are perched atop a wall of rocks with a clear view of the battle below. The shillorog roars and charges at Morrowmist, but she slips down and slides underneath him, almost like a snake. The shillorog stands for a second, but then snarls, turning faster than I thought it should be able to and snapping at her tail. She barely gets out of the way this time. Stratus joins in on the attack then, biting down on the one of the shillorog’s front legs with his mighty jaws. The shillorog roars and bites back at Stratus, catching one of his ears and ripping. Stratus bellows and lets go of the shillorog’s leg, shaking his head to clear the blood from his eyes. The shillorog takes this opportunity to attack and lunges forward, cuffing Stratus over the head with a mighty paw. Stratus roars again as the shillorog swipes his claws over his face, opening new gashes over Stratus’ eyes and snout. Stratus slumps to the ground as the shilorog strikes again, quick as a snake, and bites Stratus’ front leg. Morrowmist re-enters the fight and leaps on the shillorog from behind, but it shakes her off and clubs her over the head with its solid-looking tail. Morrowmist lets out a keening sound of pain as the shillorog turns and focuses its gaze on us. Catfish snarls and the shillorog charges, slamming into Catfish hard.

Catfish slumps to the ground, still, as the shillorog turns its gaping maw on me. It hisses, crouching, and its tail swishes from side to side as it prepares to pounce. I gulp and raise my arms above my head, knowing I can do nothing to save myself but not wanting to give up this easily. The shillorog growls and leaps, straight for my head. I scream.

Midway through its leap, the shillorog is intercepted by a flash of blue and a throaty growl. Stratus and the shillorog are now wrestling on the ground, snapping at each other. It’s clear that this time, their fight won’t be over until one of them is dead. I slump to the ground, taking in deep breaths but unable to stop the great gulping sobs. I almost died, for claws’ sake. This stuff just got real, fast.

Stratus rolls close enough to Morrowmist to brush his Astra against her leg. She nods at him and stumbles to her feet. Stratus and the shillorog continue their deadly fight as Morrowmist lopes over to me and grabs the back of my shirt in her teeth. She heaves me around and sets me on her back-- thank claws for good-quality Northbrook cotton-- and sets me between two of her back spines. Her Astra brushes forward as she spreads her wings.

Hold on, she says, and launches herself into the air.

~~~ 

((Alright! This is a completely different section. This is the first of the time skips. Zoey is with the Eagles and has been revealed as Sterling's sister. Currently, she's in the catacombs with Feroc. Cisi just asked her to meet her at midnight. If you're confused where this goes, chec out page 15!)) 

Feroc laughs once more. "Just like you," he agrees. "But for now, we should go on back up. Chief thinks I’m helping you pick a weapon for your first training session tomorrow. But I already have one for you.”

“Please don’t tell me it’s the pointy stick,” I say, only half joking. “I think I could poke my eye out with that thing.”

Feroc laughs. “No, it’s not the plançon a picot, Princess. It’s a quarterstaff.” He leads me down the hall and into one of the rooms, one I don’t really remember. It’s filled with staffs of all sizes. He hands one to me. It’s a light wood, worn smooth and with a simple knotted carving running over its length. He twirls it and then hands it to me. It feels a little unbalanced, a little… wrong, somehow, but I chalk it up to my lack of experience.

“Pretty good, huh?” he says, grinning. “It only gets better. Check it out.” He takes the staff back runs his hand across one of the carvings. A wicked-looking blade pops out of the staff.

“Isn’t that overkill?” I ask him as he pops the blade back into the staff. “Like, you already have a weapon. Why add another weapon to it?”

“Chief wanted you to be prepared,” Feroc says, replacing the staff in the wall. “Bad things happen out here, Princess. She doesn’t want to lose you.”

“Oh,” I say quietly.

“Yeah. She might not say it much, but she loves you, Zo. Truly. Losing you the first time almost killed her. Losing you again would finish the job.” He claps his hands. “Well! I’ll see you again tomorrow for your first lesson. You’ll be training some with the other fledglings, some with us during convocation, and some one-on-one with Save. My job is to teach you how to use pretty much weapon there is down here.”

“Um, okay,” I say. “But again-- overkill?”

Feroc laughs. “This time, you’re probably right. But it’s Chief’s orders.”

~~~

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker-FriUpdate, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 5, 2019 - 7:35 am)

As always, I love your writing! I do have some critiques for you today, mostly that your sentence flow is a bit off in the first section (and I know that you were writing this in bits and pieces and probably kind of rushed, so don't feel bad!). For example, when you say: "But then they seem lit with more than menace and I gasp," I had to read the sentence a couple of times to understand what you meant. Maybe change it to something just a little bit different like, "But then they seem to glow with some force besides than menace, and I gasp."

submitted by Kitten, Pondering
(April 6, 2019 - 12:59 pm)

Wow, awesome!

I love how you wrote the friendly banter between Feroc and Zoey. It reads like it was really fun to write! 

One suggestion: Maybe you could say “the shillorog” a little less in the first part. It does feel a little redundant. You could say “it” instead. 

submitted by Summer, age pi, Nowhere at all
(April 6, 2019 - 2:38 pm)

@Kitten and Summer, thanks for your praise and critique! I'll be adding your suggestions in shortly. :)

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 6, 2019 - 6:13 pm)

Hi! Hello! Me here, with my Tuesday update! Sorry it's later than usual. I, uh... I didn't actually write anything, so I was just going to do an apology post, but then Poetic had an eye appointment, so I sat in a waiting room for an hour with no wifi! That's very conducive to writing, apparently, since I wrote a bunch! (I also did some editing, but sadly not on my own novel. I'm helping Cho out with hers at the moment.) Today's selection comes from the sequel. Sorry not sorry. It's after Zoey was brainwashed, after she re-met Sterling and Jasak at the ball, after she fought Silvyre to escape and ended up on Earth. She's made her way to Northbrooke and left a note for Kelsey, asking her to meet her anonymously in a clearing. This takes place the afternoon after the note was given. (Also, the formatting may be different since I was using a different word processor.)

~~~

I watch as Kelsey walks into the clearing, her hair tied up in a messy ponytail, her tie askew.

“Hello?” She calls, stretching out the o and glancing around at the trees. “Anyone here?”

I remain silent, watching her. She scuffs her toe in the grass and glances back at the direction she entered from.

“There’s no-one here,” she calls back. “Jeez. What a prank.”

“Not a prank,” I say smoothly, letting my voice carry across the clearing. Kelsey’s head snaps up and she glances wildly around. 

“Where are you?” She shouts, peering into the trees to my left. I stifle a chuckle. I forgot how bad humans were at hearing— I haven’t been one in so long.

“I am right in front of you, Kelsey,” I continue, and her face whitens. 

“Who are you? How do you know my name?” She shouts, tightening her fists. “I swear, if this is a prank—“

“I said it wasn’t a prank,” I growl. “You were the last one to speak to Zoey alive. Two years ago.”

Kelsey freezes. “Ye-es,” she says slowly. 

“What did you say to her?” I ask. “If you answer correctly, then— and only then— will I reveal myself.”

“I— I said goodbye,” she stumbles out. “Then Justin told her to remember that he was sorry.” Unexpectedly, her eyes fill with tears. She wipes them away angrily. “Is this what you wanted?” She yells. “Claws, you sick psycho. I’m leaving.” She turns on her heel.

“Wait!” I call. She freezes.

“Wait,” I say again, softer. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were who you said you were.”

She turns back around. “Happy now?” She growls, swiping at her eyes again. “Congrats. You’ve successfully identified me as the only friend of a dead girl. Nice job.” She smiles mockingly.

“Kelsey, just— wait,” I call, preparing to jump back onto the ground.

“Wait for what? Your name? That would be a start,” she scoffs. 

“My name is Allegro,” I say quietly. But then I shake my head. “No. It’s not. Not anymore.”

“What do you mean, not anymore?” Kelsey shouts, throwing up her hands. “Ugh! I don’t have time for this. I’m going back to the dorm.”

“Wait!” I shout again, but Kelsey ignores me this time and continues walking back out of the clearing. I grit my teeth and leap out of the tree, landing with a slight thump on the ground. I moan in pain as my broken wing is shifted by the impact. Kelsey stops, but doesn’t turn around.

“Are you hurt?” She asks quietly.

“Yeah,” I admit, grimacing. “Pretty bad.”

“And are you Zoey’s friend?” Kelsey asks, still not turning. “Is that why you asked those questions?”

I hesitate, but answer, “You could say that.”

“Then I’ll help you,” Kelsey says determinedly. “It’s what Zoey would do.” She starts to turn, and I shout, “Wait!”

She pauses. “What?”

“Just— hold on. Please. Just one second.” I fumble with my hood and pull it over my head, letting the folds shadow my face and hide the upper half of it from Kelsey’s view. “You’re good. Just, please— please don’t freak out, okay? Please don’t scream.”

“I won’t scream if you don’t give me a reason to scream,” she says suspiciously. “I’m turning around now.” She turns and her eyes sweep me head to toe. They scan my black hooded cloak, my mud-and-blood encrusted boots, and my stained ballgown. Her eyes finally land on my wings and her eyes widen.

She screams.

“Shh—shhh—-shh!” I whisper-shout, lunging forward and clapping a hand over her mouth. Her eyes widen further over my hand and I mentally kick myself for using my Elite speed. “Stop screaming. Seriously. The last thing I need is for someone to—“

Abruptly, someone yanks me off Kelsey. I use the pull’s momentum to spin on my heels and deliver a blow to my assailant’s stomach, then grab them in a headlock and press my arm to their throat. The person wheezes beneath my hand and I finally get a chance to look at them.

It’s Justin, contorted by my hold and his face rapidly turning reddish purple.

“Why is he here?” I snarl at Kelsey, baring my teeth inhumanly. She tugs futilely at my arm. 

“He’s been helping me, asking me questions about Zoey, he’s on our side, I swear!” She begs me. “Please, please stop choking him.”

I hold him for a second more and then let him out of my hold. Justin drops to his knees, coughing and rubbing his throat. I step back and meet Kelsey’s eyes, but she’s already looking at me.

At my lowered hood. At my exposed face.

“Zoey?” She breathes, her eyes widening.

“Oh shoot,” I mutter.

“Zoey?” Justin coughs out.

“Shoot. Shoot shoot shoot. Uh…”

“It is you!” Kelsey exclaims, a smile breaking out on her face. “Claws, I thought you were dead!”

“Uh…” I scratch my head. “Yeah. About that. I was, for a while? But not any more. And it’s not when you’re thinking. Um, this is… complicated. But good to… see you?” I crack an anxious smile.

“You were dead?” Kelsey shrieks. She pulls me into a hug and I yelp as she wraps her arm around my wing. She quickly withdraws.

“Oh, sorry. Hurt, right. Well, if we get you back to the dorm and then out of this costume, Justin can help with whatever’s wrong.”

“Mmmm… about that. It’s not a costume,” I say, shuffling my feet. Kelsey and Justin both freeze.

“You mean, like, the dress right?” Kelsey says, laughing a little nervously. “Cause, obviously… not all of this is real. I mean, wings, c’mon.”

In response, I sweep my wing forward and brush it across her face. Her face whitens.

“Oh,” she says softly, reaching her hand out and stroking the feathers. “That’s… oh.”

“Um, okay, to be honest, that’s like super cool and all, but all that blood is making me want to throw up. Can we please get you back to Kelsey’s dorm so that I can clean you up?” Justin asks, holding his stomach. “Please.”

“Claws, he’s right!” Kelsey exclaims, giving me another glance. “How are you even alive right now?”

“Well, first of all, I’m not precisely a human anymore,” I say, shrugging. “So I can lose a lot more blood than y’all can. And second of all… it’s not my blood.”

Kelsey and Justin both stare at me. 

“Okay,” Kelsey says in a small voice. “There’s definitely a story there. And a story behind all…”— she gestures at my outfit and wings— “…this. And why you called yourself Allegro. And a whole lot of other things that I wanna know, but we’ll take care of you first, kay?”

“Kay,” I echo. “Thanks, Kelsey. Truly.”

She waves a hand. “It’s fine, Zo. You can count on me.” She grabs my elbow and starts steering me towards her dorm.

“And me,” Justin says, grabbing my other elbow. “I messed it up the first time, but this time I promise I won’t let you down.” 

~~~

Now, isn't that sweet? Just wait until the shillorog arrives. Well, that won't be for another few chapters, so. in my summary, I think I glossed over the shillorog attack and called it an "interstellar traveller". But yeah, it's a shillorog. You can never really be rid of those guys.

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker-TueUpdate, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 9, 2019 - 7:06 pm)

Eeeeee! Sequel material! I love it, I absolutely love it! Now I'm really curious to hear what in the world happened with the angel-people and the brainwashing. Fantastic, as always!

submitted by Quill
(April 9, 2019 - 7:28 pm)

Ah, I'm so happy you love it! :D I wish I was able to get that sequel to you faster! The sequel is the story I always wanted to write. This first novel is just setting things up for it, honestly. I never intended to write this first novel, and I'm so excited to get into the story I always wanted to write! I have bits and pieces of concept art and scenes laying around-- maybe someday I'll show you the concept binder I have for it. XD

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 9, 2019 - 8:27 pm)

Ooh, yay yay yay! I love the sequel. :) Question, why is Zoey using Claws as a not-swear? I know that's what people on the CB say, but Zoey probably doesn't have a reason to be saying Claws...

submitted by Kitten, Pondering
(April 10, 2019 - 11:57 am)

I'm glad you like it! Like I mentioned to Quill, I'm really excited to write it. :D Hmm, yes, the not-swearing! First of all, I've censored my writing for the CB. My goal is to make my characters as realistic as possible even though they live in a fantasy world. That means that they do actually swear. However, it's never anything super bad-- they don't cross any lines into derogatory insults or really bad swears. One of the things I never have my characters say is "God" as a swear. Even though that's what a lot of people say, it's a line I won't cross, myself. I'm not the most religious person in the world, but it still feels sacreligious and wrong to me. I use "claws" as a replacement. That's kinda a placeholder for now, honestly; I will probably replace that later with a fantasy-land swear. But yeah.

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 10, 2019 - 5:42 pm)

Hey guys, no update today! I missed the first half of school for a career fair, and I'll be leaving early for a Latin convention! I'll see y'all again on Tuesday :)

All the Best,

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker-FriUpdate, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 12, 2019 - 11:03 am)

Hey guys, sorry for the late update. I've been going through somce stuff. Here's a short bit from where we left off. 

~~~ 

I shake my head. “Okay, weirdo. I’ll talk to Ster then.”

“Actually… don’t,” Feroc says. “This is really important to her. And I don’t mind getting to spend some extra time with you, hmm?” He bumps my shoulder with his and shoots me a grin.

I grin back, but in the back of my mind I’m still remembering Cisi’s fear.

~~~

I spend the rest of the day itching to meet Cisi at midnight. Before we left the catacombs, Feroc told me that my full training would start tomorrow; meaning that this is my last day of doing nothing. The waiting is driving me insane.

Now I’m laying in bed, listening to the distant soft breathing of Maylene below. I’m still not sure how to read the clocks in here, but I think it has to be about midnight, right? I carefully sit up and swing myself out of bed. Since that first night when I fell, Maylene moved me to a bottom bunk, so it’s easy for me to stand and quietly pad over to where Cisi is laying awake. As I move to her side, she looks over at me.

“Hey,” she whispers.

“Hey,” I whisper back. There’s a moment of silence. Then Cisi covers her face with her hands and groans.

“Hhhhhh. This is so hard to tell you because you’re still in that shiny new stage, you know? The one where you think the Eagles are your perfect saviors.” She parts her hands and looks at me. “They’re not, you know.”

“Why not?” I ask her. “As far as I’ve seen, they’ve been perfectly lovely. And yeah, maybe we can’t leave, but that’s perfectly justified, Feroc explained it to me--”

Cisi laughs dryly. “Ah, yes. Feroc. Sterling’s guard dog. He only does what she tells him to, you know that?”

~~~

~Starseeker 

submitted by Starseeker-TueUpdate, age 168 moons, Enterprise
(April 17, 2019 - 5:57 am)