Places to Chat
TAKE WING!I
Chatterbox: Inkwell
TAKE WING!I
TAKE WING!
I know that several of you are on the NaNoWriMo Young Writers site. I wanted to share the story I'm writing on it with you all. (It's also on the Critiques and Novel Feedback" forum.) I know that you will never judge me or make fun of me. And I also know that even if nobody ever reads this story, I will have at least posted it here. I've also included a short section of it here, and a form from NaNo that tells you a little bit about it.
Length: 8,000 words so far, but more every day!
Language: English
Brief Summary: A teenage orphaned girl, Zoey, discovers her heroic destiny in a far-off land populated with dragons, Fae, unicorns, and so much more. But the more time she spends here, the more she realizes that not everything is as it seems. An evil is rising, and only she can stop it.
Known issues: Not everything makes as much sense on paper as it does in my head...
Critique would be much appreciated! While I do like all the "oh yeah it's great keep doing that", I also want honest feedback. If you think something could be improved upon, let me know!
This is an excerpt from the first chapter. There's also a prologue and several more chapters. If anyone posts that they're interested in reading the rest, I'll post it.
And the prince and the princess lived happily ever after. The End.
I sigh happily and close the book of fairy tales. I’ve always liked them. Fairy tales always end well-- even if my story doesn’t.
Case in point: middle school gym class.
I’ve been “excused” from “physical activity” because I’m, apparently, “malnourished”. That’s a fancy way of saying that all the rich parents of the rich kids at the oh-so-fancy Northbrook Academy don’t want me messing up their kids’ PE class.
I’m the charity case here at Northbrook, picked up out of the orphanage a year and a half ago. I’ve been here ever since. They want me here to show how “kind” and “generous” they are, by allowing a nobody like me to have an education as good as people like them.
Or so I’m told, only about, oh, one million or so times a day.
“Hey, charity case!” one of the other students calls as a ball rolls to a stop on the floor beside me. “Throw back the ball!”
I roll my eyes, and for a second I consider ignoring him, just out of spite.
“Fine,” I call back, and kick it vaguely in his direction. It lands at the feet of the most popular girl in the school, Shaina Wintermere. She cringes back.
“Eww! I don’t want to touch it now! The charity case touched it!” she shrieks. The class laughs, and some shoot me dirty looks-- apparently just for existing.
Shaina’s boyfriend, Justin Glendale, runs over to her.
“Kick it here,” he says, holding out his hands to catch it. The students are playing some sort of game that involves both kicking and catching.
Shaina half-heartedly nudges the ball with her toe, and he picks it up.
Justin nods at me. “Thanks,” he says, then runs back into the thick of the game.
I think the humid gym air must have muddled my malnourished brain. The most popular boy in school can’t have just looked at me, much less thanked me. I decide it’s a hallucination brought on by too many fairy tales.
By the time gym ends, I have re-read half the book of fairy tales, and the ball hasn’t rolled back over here once. When the bell rings and all the students pour out the door of the locker room, I stand up and stretch. My academy uniform-- a black pleated skirt, white collared top, and a blue tie-- is slightly too large for me, and it’s gotten all wrinkled from the folded position I’ve been in the last few hours.
I hear Shaina and her followers snicker as they pass me, their perfectly-fitting uniforms looking like they just came out of the bag. I tug self-consciously at my own uniform.
As I’m leaving the gym after the other kids, a hand lands on my shoulder. I whip around. It’s… Justin?
He falters when he sees my angry expression. That anger isn’t directed at him, exactly-- more like at Northbrook as a whole.
“I just wanted… to… um, to thank you, I guess,” he says, hesitating. “For, um, kicking that ball towards me.”
I snort. “You make it sound like some life-changing event. I kicked a ball. End of story. You’re welcome.”
Justin nods. “And, um…” Now he seems just flat-out uncomfortable. I raise an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name,” he blurts out, then stares at his shoes.
I shrug. “Charity case. That’s what all of you call me, isn’t it?”
I start walking away. I’ll be late if I stay talking much longer.
“I’m sorry about that,” he says, and I turn slightly over my shoulder.
“What?” I ask.
Justin looks up from his inspection of his shoes to meet my eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for calling you a charity case all this time. It was really mean.”
He sticks out his hand. “Justin,” he says.
“I know,” I say. “Zoey.”
Then I turn and walk away, to Ms. Muiller’s English-Language Arts class.
I hope that shows up correctly... it might not. Oh well.
~Starseeker
submitted by Starseeker, age 156 moons, Enterprise
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)
(September 6, 2017 - 5:53 pm)
(October 4, 2017 - 8:26 pm)
(October 5, 2017 - 5:27 pm)
Wow! I just read all of this, and I love it! It's amazing, keep writing! <3 I'm looking forward to more.
(October 6, 2017 - 8:44 pm)
@Abigail:
Really? Thanks so much! That means a lot to me. I've been keeping up with your writing here on the Inkwell, and I love it! It's so real and truly human to me. :) By the way, are you going to keep writing your story about Jack and Adri and Theo and Alex? I, and many other CBers, are anxiously waiting for the next part! (not to rush you or anything, I totally understand writer's block and not having enough time and stuff. I mean I don't even know when the last time I wrote a good solid chunk of words was...)
~Starseeker
(October 7, 2017 - 11:25 am)
(October 12, 2017 - 9:47 am)
(October 15, 2017 - 1:09 pm)
I haven't quite finished this chapter, but i figured I should let y'all read it anyway.
Chapter 4
*insert chapter here, about how Zoey wakes up and the group is attacked. At the end, Morrowmist takes Zoey and flees.
Chapter 5
Morrowmist flies faster and faster, fleeing the ruins of our mountain campsite and all we left behind. I choke back a sob as I think of Catfish, poor, sweet Catfish, the first casualty of the battle.
I hope Stratus is still alive, but with so many shadows, and them being almost impossible to kill…
I shake my head. I won’t think of this. If I do, I know I will start to cry, and neither I nor Morrowmist would enjoy that.
Morrowmist puts on another burst of speed, and the world blurs around us. I never knew anything could go so fast.
“Stop,” I say, suddenly scared. What if I fall off? We’re very high up, and I would certainly die.
But Morrowmist appears not to hear me as she speeds up again. If I had thought that nothing could fly this fast before, it was nothing compared to the speed we were going now.
“What are you doing? I don’t think those shadows are still after us!” I shout, but my words are lost in the wind. The only way I know that Morrowmist heard me is by a slight twitch of her ear. Her tail, streaming behind her in the vast wind created by her flight, curls forward, and the Astra rests against my shoulder. I grab onto it, fearing that Morrowmist might not be able to keep up the speed she’s flying at and control her tail.
Morrowmist’s voice echoes in my head. I’m not trying to outrun them anymore. I’m faster than them; I know that. But will I be fast enough?
Fast enough for what? I think back.
The Crossing, she echoes. I must have had subconscious confused thoughts, because Morrowmist elaborated.
The Crossing is how we get to your world. It can only be made by certain dragons. These dragons must be very light and very fast-- the Crossing requires an immense amount of speed to make. The dragon must fly so quickly that they Cross into the In-Between, which is the place between all worlds. Once in the In-Between, they have to carefully keep track of where they are. If they don’t, they may remain flying around the In-Between forever, or enter a world where they are not understood or wanted. It takes great skill and practice to be able to navigate the In-Between.
As we speak, the blurred world blurs all the more, and suddenly everything stops. The blurry view morphs into swirling clouds, much like I imagine a galaxy to be. One minute I think I’ve decided that the fog is purple; the next, grey; then blue. It swirls and curls ceaselessly around Morrowmist, who has slowed to a swift glide. I reach out and touch a cluster of it as I pass; it is cool, but dissolves instantly in my hands.
The longer we remain the longer I begin to notice certain aspects of our surroundings. There is a sort of whispery sound, like lost souls, in the air around us. The more I try to listen, the clearer they get, until I think I can almost hear them…
I lose my balance and almost fall of Morrowmist’s slick back. I realize that I was leaning as far as I could off Morrowmist to reach the eerie voices. The murmurs quiet once more now that they realize I will no longer listen. I know the danger now.
As we fly farther and farther into the In-Between, I notice something else. Occasionally, there is a flash of light in the mist. Sometimes it’s yellow, sometimes blue, sometimes pink or silver or green. It’s never the same twice.
What is it? I silently ask Morrowmist.
Entities entering and exiting the In-Between, she answers. We made a flash like that when we entered, too, and we will make one when we exit. Now ssh. The exit is very hard to find, and I need to concentrate. Morrowmist’s mind quiets.
I clasp the spine directly in front of me on Morrowmist. If exiting the In-Between is anything like entering, I’ll need a tight grip.
Morrowmist suddenly swerves left and dives down, and I see we are heading towards a faintly glowing green line. It ripples with the mist, and I shut my eyes, suddenly frightened of what awaits me.
I hear a slight sucking sound and a pop, and the whispering stops. Instead I hear a sound like… wingbeats?
I cautiously crack open my eyes and gasp at the sight laid out before me.
A massive forest is spread out below us. It begins with pines and cedars, then fades into towering rainforest trees I have no name for. As Morrowmist and I streak over it, I feel as if I could reach down and touch the tips of the trees. Then, suddenly, the forest gives way to a massive prairie, rolling hills and grass as far as I can see. It’s a sea of gold, and orange, and yellow, in so many shades. I had no idea there were so many hues of yellow and orange in the world. Dotted among the grasses are wildflowers, almost indistinguishable from the rest of the prairie but for their vibrant reds and purples.
I gasp again in awe and delight. I have no words for the beauty unfolding beneath me. Morrowmist’s Astra twitches forward again-- I don’t know when she let it stream back again in the wind-- and I hear her voice in my mind.
Beautiful, isn’t it? She asks, wistfulness infusing her tone, even in my mind.
It’s… breathtaking, I reply. Morrowmist chuckles.
Indeed. This is my home, and yet it’s not often I see it from above.
You live here? I ask.
Yes, she replies. My entire Blaze, including myself, all live here, in the rolling grassy hills of Zentara.
Zentara? I frown. Does that include the forest we passed?
Yes. It is the land the dragons live on, all of us, from Blaze MountainFire in the distant mountains, to Blaze TideFire in the sea, to Blaze SkyFire among the clouds.
I ask, Where else do dragons live in Zentara, and outside of it?
We live no where but Zentara. Oh, there may be a few loners outside the borders, but for the most part, the dragons are here. We already passed the Blaze PineFire and Blaze SnakeFire territories, among the trees to the south. Blaze PineFire prefer the evergreens and oaks, while Blaze SnakeFire lounge among the palms and bamboos of the deeper south. To the west are the swamps, where the Blaze SwampFire dragons live--like Catfish, may the Fire-Mother keep his spark-- and the ocean, where the Blaze TideFire resides. East is a moor, which is home to Blaze MoorFire, and the desert, where the Blaze SandFire lives. Keep flying north and you will find the mountains, where Blaze MountainFire and Blaze NightFire live, and even beyond that, a tundra. That is where the Blaze IceFire calls home. Beyond that, no dragon has ever gone before. Perhaps a few adventurous IceFires, but nothing has ever been documented besides ice far as the eye can see. Then, of course, Blaze SkyFire lives straight above us, among the clouds.
I crane my head up to the clouds, looking for a hint of a tail or a wingtip, anything that would indicate there are dragons in the clouds. How do they not fall through? I silently ask Morrowmist.
Her body shifts underneath me in the equivalent of a dragon shrug. How would I know?
Morrowmist takes a sudden turn and stops mid flight, beating her wings to stay aloft. I wonder why until I spot a squadron of dragons heading our way.
At first, I think their scales are reflecting the afternoon sunlight. Then I realize they’re all varying shades of gold and orange. Just like Morrowmist.
One of the dragons in the squadron bellows in delight and surges forward. It swoops in circles around Morrowmist.
“Morrowmist!” the dragon says, still winging around her in excitement. “You’re back!” Its voice is gravelly and lower than Morrowmist’s, though it still has the same musical lilt as hers. I decide it’s a male.
Morrowmist lets out a happy squeal and touches tails with the other dragon. “Grytenth!” she bellows, in the exact happy tone as the other dragon-- Grytenth.
Morrowmist twists her head around to look at me. “Zoey,” she says out loud, “This is my brother, Grythenth.”
Grytenth notices me then. “Morrowmist?” he asks, confusion written across his face. “Why do you have a human female? Is it from the land you visited?” He stops flying around Morrowmist and wings in place.
“She’s not an it, she’s a female,” Morrowmist replies. “And yes.”
Grytenth gasps. “You know you’re not supposed to have contact with them!”
Morrowmist looks around anxiously, and, seeing that the other dragons in the squadron were still a ways away, glides a little closer to Grytenth.
“I think she’s the One,” she says, in the dragon equivalent of a whisper-- though it still sounds loud in my ears.
“The One? Really?” gasps Grytenth, and peers closer at me.
The One? I soundlessly ask Morrowmist, but she doesn’t reply.
Thinking she must not have heard me, I think louder. Morrowmist, what is it? What’s the One?
Morrowmist just shakes her head, but in response to my question or as a plea to Grytenth to not say any more, I don’t know.
With one last look at me, Grytenth closes his jaw with a snap. Just then, the rest of Grytenth’s squadron arrives.
“Grytenth,” says the one in the lead, reproachfully but without any malice, “You need to stay with the squadron.”
Grytenth droops a little bit. “I know,” he says, “But look! Morrowmist’s back!”
The lead dragon starts and squints, then widens its eyes. “Morrowmist! You’ve returned!”
Then its eyes fall on me and it recoils. “What is that?” the dragon asks, and the other dragons murmur to themselves.
“It’s a human female,” says Morrowmist calmly. She flicks her tail towards the ground. “Would you mind if we landed? The Crossing is always hard to make, and I’ve been flying hard all night.”
“Yes, of course,” the dragon says, and makes a sharp whistling sound. The squadron falls back into line, even Grytenth, and Morrowmist trails behind them as they spiral towards the ground.
Morrowmist lands with a thump on the ground, close behind the rest of the squadron.
~~~
Good? Bad? Comments please!
~Starseeker
(October 22, 2017 - 1:19 pm)
I like it. It would be nice not to have skipped chapter 4 but that doesn't stop it from being good.
(October 22, 2017 - 6:05 pm)
@Epic Fangirl:
thanks! And the thing with skipping Chapter 4 is, every time I try to write this book, (and trust me... I've tried... this is maybe my third or fourth serious attempt?) I always get stuck there. I'll write a section, then delete it. Then I would lose interest and drift away, and Take Wing would just be another unfinished book in the sea of manuscripts in the world. But this time, it was different. I had all of you guys here on the Chatterbox waiting for the next part and giving encouragement. I had all my friends on NaNo helping me along. And I've never had that before. Never. I'd never let anyone read my writing before, and because I did this time, Take Wing lives.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is thank you.
Thank you, all of you, Autumn Moon and Scylla and Storm Windwhisperer and you, Epic Fangirl, and Leeli and unsuspectingstrytllr and Silverwaxwing and Pepper Star and coyotedomino and Quill and Doctor Who? and and Abigail S. and whoever else reads this but doesn't comment! You guys pulled me through this.
Hugs for life,
~Starseeker
(October 22, 2017 - 8:59 pm)
I agree with Epic. Great writing, Starseeker!
(November 9, 2017 - 9:05 am)
(October 22, 2017 - 1:20 pm)
I just have to-- oof!-- poke this up to-- ugh!-- the top...
(October 22, 2017 - 2:47 pm)
WARNING: Constructive criticism that may border on slightly rude inbound, but I swear it's not all bad!
The first few chapters: The characters are well developed and interesting, and it comes off as a nicely written (very nicely written, in fact) school story. I really enjoy reading the little bits about Zoey being the 'Charity Case'. It's just interesting, and shows her personality. I love the little interactions between Justin and Zoey. They're amazing, and IF YOU CHANGE ANY OF THEM I SWEAR I'LL FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE AND CHARGE IN WITH A POINTY STICK AND HIT SOMETHING RANDOM--Ahem.
Character issues: Shaina seems like a black and white villain. The stereotyped bossy, bratty, popular girl surrounded by friends. A few questions I have are:
How does Shaina view Justin? How did they end up together? Why does she want to have him as a boyfriend?
Other issues: The story, although very well written (Seriously, how do you do it that well!? It's amazing!), comes off as a school story at first, without hints of magic, aside from Zoey's obsession with magic. You did well at dropping a few hints, but try to add one earlier in the book. ;)
Question: Since Zoey was placed in the school to show the "generosity" and "kindness" of the wealthy, do the rich kids pretend to treat her nicely when adults and their parents are around? To show their "generosity"? It's just been nagging on my mind, since they tend to treat her like dirt.
The 'dragon' chapters: I love the descriptions and the world building, but woah, easy on the Wings of Fire there! The references to it are anything but subtle, although I love the characters and how they're developing so far.
I would talk on and on, but three angry AEs are glaring at me, and I'm out of time. See ya!
(October 23, 2017 - 12:36 pm)
@Icy:
nah, don't worry about the rudeness! I don't think it was rude at all, and even if it was, why sugarcoat something when you can say it outright? I feel that's especially true in criticisms. I come to you guys and everyone on NaNo for honest criticism. I mean, my parents are FABULOUS, and I couldn't ask for better friends, but all they ever say is "yeah it's great keep it up"! And I never know if they honestly mean that or if they're just saying that because they have to. You know?
The first few chapters: yay, thank you! I worked very hard on those. They weren't part of my original vision, but I'm very happy with the way they turned out. As for charging something with a pointy stick if I changed any of the Justin-Zoey interactions, well, I think you might have to get in line behind the JustinCase fans! :)
Character issues: Shaina is pretty stereotypical, yeah. But she's not in the story for long, so I figured her having a shallow character was okay.
Shaina views Justin as basically a sparkly accessory. She likes him more for the popularity that dating the hottest boy in school will get her, than for his great personality and caring self. I've never really considered how they ended up together. Maybe Shaina dropped oh-so-subtle hints until he asked her out? I don't know. Interesting question! I'll have to consider that... And Shaina wants Justin as her boyfriend for the status it gets her. Justin didn't want a girlfriend (no he's not LGBTQ+, he just wasn't ready), but Shaina was pretty insistive.
Other issues: I dunno, I kinda just read a lot. And I think about what authors do well, and what they don't do well. I write differently than other people my age. I can see how they write, and I know what's wrong with it, and I can fix it also. By knowing what's wrong, I know what to avoid, and so I do, and my writing turns out like this. (Does that make any sense at all? I don't really know how to describe it.)
You have a question, I have an answer! Yes, the other students treat her decently (or kinda actually just ignore her) when adults are around. But they don't care about teachers and people like that, because they have the same contempt and view of Zoey as the students do.
Thanks for the compliments! It's true that my dragons were impacted by Wings of Fire. I've tried my best to not copy them, however. I don't want my story to be all about dragons (though they will feature prominently) and I don't want my dragons to be like anyone else's. Do you have any specific suggestions on how to improve? The system I've set up, with the Blazes and adaptations, makes sense to me. Maybe I should change the names? To something more dragon-ey? Like have their environment not be so evident in their names, perhaps. Like each Blaze could have a poetic name that means something, like "star-chasers" or "ice-talons" in the dragon language. Kinda thinking out loud here, sorry! Let me know what you think.
I totally get the AE thing... Zoey is my AE, and she doesn't particuarly like her whole life's story laid out bare on here, but it's the least I could do so that people know her like I do.
See ya later!
~Starseeker
(October 23, 2017 - 6:19 pm)
K, so, on the suggestion of Icy (more or less), I have changed each of the Blaze's names to something not quite so obvious and human-like.
~~~
TideFire=Isbaena
SkyFire=Fiera
SnakeFire=Ilyaas
SwampFire=Brissmai
PrairieFire=Saphona
NightFire=Nalua
SandFire=Abayona
IceFire=Ikasia
MountainFire=Pergillium
MoorFire=Shacia
PineFire=Everdemia
~~~
That's all for now! See ya!
~Starseeker
(October 25, 2017 - 1:48 pm)