Chatterbox: Inkwell

My  novel here for critique and disgust. It goes by the name "Novel Two". It is kind of long but please post it all Admin!! So go on exclaim in awe, exclaim in horror, tell me what to do, complement me, etc.

 

It was raining. A lone figure was walking along the road. He did
not like the rain. He told it to go away. It did not work. Maybe,
thought the man, the rain was a little hard of hearing, deafened by
the thunder, and blinded by the lightning. Maybe that is why the rain
did not listen to his pleas the night before. Maybe. Or maybe the
rain was out to spite him. Why, though he did not know. Pondering
like this, the man continued on his way.

He stopped when he got to a wet piece of cardboard and sat on it.
To all around him, it seemed as though he was a hobo. But who would
be stupid do be outside during a thunderstorm, in the rain, and watch
some strange man sit on a wet piece of cardboard? Which is why nobody
noticed when the strange lone man who looked like a hobo thinking
while sitting on a wet piece of cardboard flew away. There was a
flash of lightning as if for emphasis. As if it was all some special
effects for a movie.


..............................................................................................................................

“ And so, Gianna and her beloved Gerome were forced to roam the
world for all eternity, never to meet, yet never to stop thier search for each other, for true love.” finished the
royal reader with a tear in his eye. He always got so emotional when
he read stories. The king was not teary, but his eyebrows and
forehead were scrunched up in distaste, disappointment, and anger
rolled into one. All the makings of a tantrum.

“Thats not right.” He said. “ Well I think it was perfect.”
Said the Royal Reader “ The perfect mix of love, humor, and
melancholy.”

The king still had his tantrum look on “ Why did it not end
with “ And they all lived happily ever after!” It was not a
question.

“ It's the new age! Not all stories end with those famous last
words. It's the age of artistic freedom!”

“Artistic freedom, shmartistic shreedom. We have to rewrite it.
Call the royal writer!!!!”

“ But sir, you fired the Royal Writer for writing a story were
the queen's ferret dies. Besides this is all based on a true story.
To rewrite things would not change Gerome and Gianna's fate.” The
Royal Reader sighed and took off his reading glasses. Even though his
nose was long, it was not sharp, and still had a red mark from his
glasses. He did not notice though.

“ Hmm, that is a pity. How about we hold a contest for all the
knights in the kingdom and offer a hefty reward. No, better yet,
we'll go too!”

The Royal Reader shook his head. He really wanted to finish the
novel he was reading during the times when he was not reading to the
king. Why risk your life when you could have all your adventures
sitting on a chair, or a couch, or a carpet, or a piece of cardboard
if for any particular reason that was your wish. Anyways, it was
raining. That would hold off the king. He would probably call the
wizard and make him amuse everybody with tricks. Or better yet, he
would go to the kitchen and annoy the chef, who would yell at him in
a French accent, even though he was not French. The king had the
strange idea that all chefs must yell in French accents. Then the
prince, princess and Labralack would break things and make loud
noises. The Royal Reader hated loud
noises.

“Hmm, It's raining. What a
pity. Royal Reader, I now officially appoint you royal jester for
lack of a better one at this moment. Go ahead. Do something funny. I
do hope you know how to do something funny. Oh yes, all Royal
Jesters are named Bob. Come on Bob,”

The Royal Reader, er, I mean
Bob, wrinkled his soft nose in disgust. “But my proper name is
Enron.”

“ Very well, since your are
only a substitute Royal Jester you shall be called Enron.” said the
king as if he was giving the Royal Reader a great gift. “Maybe all
substitute Royal Jester's shall have that name from now on... okay do
something funny... uhh, tell a joke”

Enron straightened out his
cuffs fixed his clothes and cleared his throat. “ Well, this is a
funny joke I read in a book a while back.” Enron cleared his
throat once again but a crash of lightning and roar of thunder struck
just then and he practically jumped out of his clothes, and fell flat
on his face. The king laughed a laugh almost as loud as the thunder.

“Again! Again!”He bellowed
“no, better yet a handstand”

Enron involuntary did a half
hearted smile and fell on his face. The king laughed. Enron
attempted to look as civilized as possible but failed miserably. His
carefully placed hair was sticking up and his clothes were dirty and
wrinkled. “I really think we should find some other form of
entertainment. We could call the Royal People With Musical Talent and
the Royal Magician and do the hocus pocus?”

Excellent. Royal Magician
come forth and bring the Royal People With Musical Talent with you.”

The Royal magician appeared in a
flash of mashed potato scented smoke. It always reflected what the
magician was thinking about at the time. He had been called away just
as he was sitting down to eat and extremely upset. But if you work
for the king you get free food which, even though the chef was odd,
tasted more delicious than that which was conjured by magic. One of
the main perks of being the Royal Magician was the food.

Okay Royal magician the
reason I called you is-” he was interrupted “ To do the hocus
pocus sir? Do not forget I
am
the royal magician.” He swung his wand like a conductors stick “
And a one, and a two and a one two three four!”

The castle was filled with the
sound of music and laughing, while the thunder added it's own top
hat. “You put eye of newt in, (crash) you take the bad feelings
out, (crash) you put the wing of bat in, and you stir it all about
(crash), you do the hocus pocus and you turn into a frog, thats what
it's about (crash)!”

By the end of this party, quite
a few servants, and even Enron were turned into frogs (or other
creatures) and the Royal magician had to turn them all back, but the
king was content. The Royal Magician disappeared, leaving a cloud of
smoke that smelled like steak. It was so poignant it made the kings
mouth water so he royally strode to the dining room, leaving Enron
alone at last.

“Oh yes,” called the king as
he was leaving “Since the Royal Writer is not here, you are now
appointed Royal Writer the second. I have not forgotten about the
story!”

Sighing, Enron opened up his
book and crossed his long legs Indian style on the floor.

submitted by Adina, age 12, Mostly in fanta
(August 9, 2009 - 10:49 pm)

Not bad, Adina! It was funny and reasonably well writen. Nice! I didn't actually notice much that could be changed, but here's what I did see. I don't know what time period this is in. It seems kind of convoluted. You liken something to the special effects of a movie, and there's cardboard. Even novels. But it feels like it's set in midieval times, if you know what I mean. Just feels a little out of place. Still, pretty good job!

 

-EH

submitted by Emily H. :), age 13, Sparks, NV
(August 10, 2009 - 9:58 am)

actually, that's because time IS messed up. The man on the cardboard box is from the present, and the king is from the past but in another world, since in real life medeival times were nasty. And (hint hint) maybe one of the people from medeival times is also from the presant or apears in both. (I dunno what is actually going to happen though)

submitted by Adina, age 12, Mostly in fanta
(August 10, 2009 - 10:29 am)

That was quite good, Adiina. And, as Emily said, funny (and what's a story without humour?). Aside from the time issue, the only thing I see wrong is the occasional spelling/grammar issue, but no matter.

H'm, one of my friends' names is Gianna. *is random*

submitted by Mary W., age 11.63, NJ
(August 10, 2009 - 12:37 pm)

That's it? No more people? NOBODY CARES?!?! *is depressed*

submitted by Adina , age 12, Mostly in fanta
(August 10, 2009 - 8:56 pm)

I'm sorry... I'm in camp.

submitted by Lena
(August 11, 2009 - 8:06 am)

I care! *tries to cheer up fellow New Jerseyian*

submitted by Mary W., age 11.64, NJ
(August 11, 2009 - 12:24 pm)

I care! *pats on back* I thought it was really good! :)

submitted by Ema, age 11, NY
(August 11, 2009 - 7:53 pm)

*fellow New jersyan is cheered up. slightly*

submitted by Adina, age 1997, Mostly in fanta
(August 11, 2009 - 8:10 pm)

I care! I thought it was very good!

submitted by Ima
(August 11, 2009 - 9:35 pm)

:)

submitted by Mary W., NJ
(August 12, 2009 - 2:47 pm)