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Chatterbox: Inkwell

please leave advice

please leave advice on how to make my stories better. hope you enjoy!

Father’s Princess

The sticks cracked under my dirty black shoes. Tears slide down my pale cheeks and flew behind me after they got there. I ran faster then I ever had in my entire life, trying to escape reality. Dad was gone. He really was, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I sat under the shade of a nearby tree and cried into my knees, wrapping myself into a tight hug. Life wasn’t a fairytale like the ones he used to read to read to me before bed. I was no princess in a tower waiting for true love to rescue me, I am just a girl crying into her knees.

I didn’t want to go home. I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t time. I needed more time to think. Think about how cruel the world is, tricking you with its beauty. It pulls you in, makes you believe it’s good. Even for one second it makes you forget that there are so many things wrong with this world. Then it jumps at its chance to punch you in the gut.

Finally I dragged myself home, the sun being swallowed by the earth. The patches of pink, yellow, and orange made me smile for the first time all night. I got up to the doorstep of the red brick house, and quietly knocked on the door. Mom opened it with a mixed look of anger and happiness. She pulled me in for a tight hug but soon let go. Mom led me into the house and shut the door. She told me to turn around, and I did as I was told. She raised her large pale hand and then brought it straight down onto my back with a loud smack. I yelped in pain.

I woke up the next beautiful summer morning with pain soaring through my back. Mom wasn’t up yet so I slipped on some clothes. I slid downstairs and headed straight for the white kitchen, burning my eyes in the process. Quickly, I grabbed a breakfast bar from the cabinet and shoved it in my mouth. Soon I was sitting on the couch shoving my tennis-shoes over my socks. Mom was up now, but I didn’t care, because in two minutes I would be out the door. And I was.

I ran to the forest where I was yesterday. I stopped at the same place I was yesterday and sat down. I thought and thought, and cried. I was in the middle of crying when I noticed a boy sitting next to me. I peeked at his face. It was a soft olive color with a comforting smile. It gave me hope, so I lifted my head up. “Hello,” he whispered as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. I managed to choke out the word, “hi.” “I know you’re going through a hard time, but hold your head high, and don’t let it fall,” he whispered. I smiled a bit and said with more confidence, “ok, thanks for the advice.” “I’m Tyler by the way,” he stated. “Leigh,” I said in reply.

21 years later

I waited for the day, trying on dresses, planning the decorations and everything else. That’s when I realized I have no one to walk me down the aisle. I would just walk down it myself.

The day came, everything was great. The wedding ran smoothly. Then it was time for me to walk down the aisle, all alone. Dad wasn’t here, he hasn’t been for the last 21 years, but Tyler was here. I finally got to the altar after what seemed like forever. Tyler whispered the same way he did in the forest, “my princess.”

 

submitted by Sunshine Wings, age 10, nowhere to be found
(June 8, 2019 - 4:24 pm)

AAAAAH this is super amazing!

However, I don't understand. Why did Leigh's mom hit her? And, how did Tyler know that she was going through a hard time? And in the last paragraph, why did it say "the same way he did in the forest"? It never mentions that. I think.

Also I think maybe you should talk about what the dad was like more.

But, anyway, on the positive side, I really like your beginning, especially the parts about "trying to escape reality . . " "think about how cruel the world is . . . . ' and about that last one, maybe bring it back at the end and say something like the world isn't curel all the time. IDK I'm not tyring to rule your story or anything, you do what you want.

You're a marvelous writer Sunshine Wings! 

submitted by spiffycat, age 12
(June 8, 2019 - 4:40 pm)

omg!!! thanks!! and he did whisper in the forest and i'm just trying to say with her mother that she was not as nice as her father was. and leigh was crying so tyler knew sha was probalygoing through something hard. also at the end i was trying to like say she can be a princess like her dad told her in fairytales. although i should talk about him more! thanks again!!!!

submitted by Sunshine Wings, age 10, nowhere to be found
(June 8, 2019 - 5:56 pm)

Hmm... Well, it's a rule of writing to indent for dialogue, so it'd look like:

"Ok, thanks for the advice."

"I'm Tyler, by that way," he stated.

"Leigh," I replied.

I agree with spiff- it's vague why her mom would slap her for no reason, and I'd like to know more about her dad. Also, maybe you could describe how she feels a bit more during the wedding? This is definitely better than anything I wrote when I was ten, though! Keep it up. ^^ 

 

 

submitted by Soren Infinity, age 27 eons , BeaconTown
(June 9, 2019 - 10:53 am)