Writing Critique

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Writing Critique

Writing Critique thread

 

Hi, I thought it would be nice to have a thread for constructive criticism of miscellaneous things/stories we've written. The only rules are,

-be polite

-try to give helpful advice

-give positive feedback as well as criticism

-give suggestions for how to change things that need work (if you want)

And even if you're reading the writing of someone that's "better" then you at writing, you can still give advice!! No writing is ever perfect.

Oh and also, have fun! I will probably be putting some writing on here soon 

 

 

 

submitted by cerinthe, age 13, elsewhere
(February 29, 2020 - 4:09 pm)

I will post my story tomorrow, as it is late here.  But I will tell you what it's about:

It's a story about four of my stuffed animals. Named Wiggly, (Pig) Sir Moo (Cow) Max (Donkey) and Nibbles (Mouse).  Sir Moo thinks he's a knight for Queen Whatshername.  It's an adorable story, but I'm stuck at the moment.

submitted by Alex, age 11
(February 29, 2020 - 9:08 pm)
submitted by top
(February 29, 2020 - 9:09 pm)
submitted by top, age top tip
(March 1, 2020 - 1:28 pm)

Ok, here's the story.

"I'm telling you, Queen Elizabeth the II was better!" That was Wiggly.

"Queen Whatshername was better than the II AND the III!!" That was Sir Moo.

"Why are we fighting about this? Who cares who was better?!" That was Max.  "Sir Moo, how do you have a queen that you're a knight for if you're not even a knight! You don't have a suit of armor even." Max asked the cow. "It is not my fault that the royal tailor never got me fitted!" Sir Moo said in his fake-ish British accent.  "So does the queen call you Sir Moo or Knight Moo?" Wiggly asked him. "Neither. She calls me by my full name."

Sir Moo always said that his parents named him after a famous cow school. Hence his name was Moovard Henry the III.  Wiggly laughed at the thought of a queen always calling him that.  Then she wondered what kind of animal Queen Whatshername was, but she didn't have to ask Sir Moo herself. Max had beaten her to it. When asked, Sir Moo said, "Queen Whatshername is a starfish.

There was silence from Max and Wiggly, untill Wiggly said "Whatshername is a.... starfish?" "Queen Whatshername Wiggly, and yes, she is."  Then a squeaky voice said, "Who's a starfish?" It was Nibbles.  "Hello Nibbles, we just found out from Sir Moo that Queen Whatshername is a starfish." Max told her.  Nibbles looked confused.  "But if Queen Whatshername is a starfish, doesn't that mean Sir Moo was a Knight underwater?" Everyone looked at Sir Moo.  Then Moo said, "She was a... unique starfish, has an allergy to water."  "Sure Sir Moo, sure."

"So what should we do now?" Wiggly asked. "I have an idea!" Sir Moo said a little to loudly.  Nibbles covered her ears.  "We should go see Queen Whatshername!"  Max shook his head.  "We donkeys don't like getting wet Moo. Nibbles, what do you suggest?"  Nibbles gave Max a blank look, as she was still covering her ears.  Sir Moo glared at Max.  "Did you not hear me? Queen Whatshername has an allergy to water!!!!"  "I have never seen a starfish that was allergic to water Sir Moo," Nibbles told Sir Moo. "Are you sure she isn't part of your wild imagination?"

Sir Moo almost fell over with shock.  "PART OF MY IMAGINATION? PART OF MY IMAGINATION??!?!?!?!?!?!!!!" Sir Moo sighed.  "I can't deal with this.  I'm going to raid the humans refrigerator."  Wiggly shook her head and said "He won't be able to reach the handle.  I'll go help him." And she walked off.

 

That was a lot of typing. Whew!

(Also, any ideas to move the story foward will be welcome XD)

submitted by Alex, age 11
(March 1, 2020 - 5:47 pm)

Cool story, Alex. Maybe Sir Moo should take the others on an epic journey to Queen Whatshername's palace. 

submitted by Strawberri, age 12 winters, earth
(March 5, 2020 - 12:51 pm)

Aww, that's great, Alex! A few things. First, in the second paragraph it says "[...]" That was Max. "Sir Moo, how do you have a queen that you're a knight for if you're not even a knight! You don't have a suit of armor even." Max asked the cow.

So basically you already said "that was Max" so it's kind of implied that it's Max saying "sir moo how do you....etc", and you don't need to add "Max asked the cow". But if you decide to keep "Max asked the cow" you should at least add a question mark to the end of "...you're a knight for if you're not even a knight!" because if you don't it's kind of disconcerting when you say "Max asked".

The only other thing is, maybe could you give some idea of the setting? That would make it a lot easier to visualize.

This is SO CUTE Alex! Keep going. 

 

submitted by cerinthe@Alex, age 13
(March 17, 2020 - 6:28 pm)

Would it be ok if I post a writting assignment I'm doing? If so, I'll do that later.

submitted by Strawberri , age 12 winters, earth
(March 5, 2020 - 12:53 pm)

Sure!

submitted by Alex, age 11
(March 10, 2020 - 10:39 am)

I had to write a historical fiction story for composition and I'd like to post. It's about romans when the barbarians were invading.

   "cornelius, Cornelius," Antonia cried, running to meet her brother. "How was rome? did you go to the Clleseum? Did you go to the circus?"

   "Yes! Yes! Avus (latin for grandfather) took me to the charriot races. Oh, it was..." the two walked through the city to their house, talking all the way.  Later that day, a soldier came to see their father. "General," panted the man who had run 5 miles to get to the city. "general, the barbarians have attacked the garrison outside the city. They have taken it and only a few of us escape. They are marching towards the city!" More tomorrow, hopefully.  Kudos for any Constructive Critisism.

submitted by Strawberri , age 12 winters, earth
(March 12, 2020 - 4:27 pm)

woww this is cool. 
I'll hopefully post part of one of my stories sometime! 

Above cool story! I might suggest a paragraph break at "Later that day..." are there going to be sympathetic barbarian characters? Also by the way did you mean to type colosseum...? 

I love studying this period of history so yay Smile are the barbarians Gauls, by the way? 

submitted by Evergreen, age who knows, california
(March 12, 2020 - 5:26 pm)

Yes. Yes! A thousand times yes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ugh," A girl with brown matted hair and yellow eyes muttered, pulling at her chains. "LET ME OUT YOU-"

Her curse words were drowned out in the loud sirens going off.

"Shut up, Number 27." A scientist remarked, turning off the sirens.

"My name is ALATHIA. NOT SOME STUPID NUMBER, OKAY?! I'M A HUMAN BE-" She was cut off by the scientist, shoving a Hot Pocket in her mouth, to get her to shut up, "MMMMMMMMPH!!!"

Alathia looked over at another girl, too drugged to even lift her head.

At least I can move and speak, she thought.

The scientist walked over to the girl, or Number 42, and injected an needle in her arm, with the name "Anesthesia". written on the side.

"Can I listen to music," a small girl, only known as Number 64, "please?"

"Fine, just don't start singing the lyrics..." 

submitted by La’Crosse, WOOOOOOAHHHHHH
(March 13, 2020 - 1:49 pm)

Please, please, please put more on here. It's sssooo captivating. You've got everything right for a great beginning and I'm already wanting to know more.

submitted by Strawberri, age 12 winters, earth
(March 16, 2020 - 3:19 pm)

This is sooo good please continue!!! I'm begging you!!!!

submitted by cerinthe@LC, age 13
(March 17, 2020 - 6:30 pm)

So hard to type while eating...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chewing on the Hot Pocket, Alathia started falling asleep, drifting into her world of nightmares.

"Come on, Ally! We'll be late!!" A girl, an old friend always called to her like that. In that sweet tone of voice.

"Coming," she always would say, running up to her, but, this time, she tripped. She shouldn't have tripped. If she hadn't been so clumsy, she could've saved herself, and her friend.

A scream, then blood. The sight of blood didn't bother her. Not until now.

"ERIN! RUN- AAAAAAAH!!" The more blood, the more pain and agony she had to face.

Tears spilled down her cheeks. She could hardly breathe, clutching the dirt in her hands, feeling helpless.

This was it. The time she became the cold hearted, selfish, shut-in she was.

"NO, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND," she shouted, sweat pouring down her forehead, gasping as she awoke from her past-time fashback.

Shutting her eyes, she conjured up all her strength, and pulled at the chains. The scientist were asleep, so she could run.

"27?" The little girl said, lifting her drowsy head. 

"Yeah, shhhh." Ally broke 64's chains, and walked over to 42.

"We're gonna get out of here..." Ally reached over, snapped the chains, hoisted 42 on her back, and RAN.

submitted by La’crosse
(March 18, 2020 - 7:18 am)

Thank you, evergreen. Yeah, I geuss that the're Gauls. i decided to cange ot in my final draft, though. and yes, I did mean colosseum, but my mom wanted me off the web, so I had to hurry. Thanks again, Strawberri.

submitted by Strawberri, age 12 winters, earth
(March 16, 2020 - 3:14 pm)