Prince of Pea

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Prince of Pea

Prince of Peace~

Hello. You can call me Jazzy. First, I want to explain what this is! Then I'll tell everybody a little bit about myself :D.

I like to write. I don't have time to write and do Nanowrimo. I also don't have the motivation to write. But way back when I was a young lass, I wrote a 90k+ fanfiction and I only got that far because I publically had people reading it and encouraging me on!  So, hear me out, I've got a theory. I can do the same thing, but with an original story idea, and having some people reading it and giving me feedback will (hopefully) produce the same results! Essentially, I just need some writing accountability buddies and you guys might just do the trick. I might attempt to post my story in regular intervals (like every two weeks), or I might not. We'll just have to see. Either way, if I keep this up, I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE AND APPRECIATE everyone who wants to comment on my story and give advice! Obviously this is a rough draft, so if you see spelling or grammatical errors just ignore them. Those are easy to fix. I'd love advice specifically about the story and characters and plot. All im trying to do right now is write a story! So come at me and rip it to shreds (nicely plz) with advice! My first book is called Prince of Peace. I wrote 15k on it last summer during camp Nanowrimo (whichwasmygoaldon'thateonmefornotfinishingNano. Isucceededokay). I am rewriting it because it needs some work, so everything you will be reading is fresh out of the brain-oven. Anyways, onto ME!

I am, surprise surprise, an old CBer. I was about 11-12 when I joined, and was a part of the Chatterbox for a few years. I'm 18 now. I'm a freshman in college, and I am a music performance major. Because of Covid, my first semester of college has been online, which saves me a ton of money, but really really sucks in every other way. But it's okay! We get through it. But yeah, I take about 17-18 credits every semester to do music performance, so that's why I'm busy and Nanowrimo isn't ideal. (For those that don't know, 18 credits is the max amount in college.) But hopefully a biweekly posting schedule that is very very lax will give me the creative space I need to keep pursuing writing as a hobby! Yay! :D Yeah, Jazzy isn't my original Cber name, btw. I have no intention of revealing my old identity, so you can try and guess, but I'd prefer if you focused your comments on writing tips or other neat stuff like saying hellooo and introducing yourself. I just don't want this thread to turn into a 'guess who I be' kinda thinga ma bob. 

So, onto how this hopefully will work! 

First of all, feel TOTALLY free to introduce yourself to me, and also ask questions about me if you'd like! I know I'm like, an 18 year old, and I hope that isnt creepy, but I loved this community as a kid. I don't feel comfortable posting my story anywhere else, honestly, and this format and website is familiar to me. It was a childhood home. Plus CBers are angels and really sweet. Anyways, for writing stuff, when I post a chapter (I use the term 'chapter' extremely loosely), if you want to give advice, click 'reply' specifically to the box that the chapter is in. Otherwise it'll get confusing and yeaahhhh I don't need more chaos in my life. Because, you know how you can click reply to the main box (which this text is in) and then you can reply to the specific reply to the main box that makes a smaller box underneath the specific box instead of at the END of all of the original replies and everyone gets confused and - yeh. That. Heh. Peace out, I guess. Ask away! 

And, to start us off, what do you think of my first paragraph that I wrote 10 minutes ago? Would you read this book JUST knowing the title and first paragraph?

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"Mothers, as the sayings goes, always know best. They have
eyes on the back of their heads, their hugs and kisses heal the deepest of
wounds, and they know. There are some bad mothers in the world, certainly, but
a good mother can see through the most delicately woven lies and know that something
is wrong. They see. However, it is the wisdom and advice of mothers that should
be appreciated the most. Even on political topics, like assassination, their
advice should be followed. Especially when the topic of assassination hits
quite close to home. Literally. Mothers do, really, know best"

(I won't be able to post more writing until after FINALS UGH, so Mid-December, but I'll answer questions and chat for a bit when I can!!)

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submitted by Jazzy, age oldn'sad
(November 22, 2020 - 11:06 pm)

Thanks you guys that keep posting. It's really encouraging! Here's a scene - technically half of a really long scene, but I made sure to at least write to a good stopping point with some conclusion.

--- 

Lucius wasn’t simply throwing a celebration for celebrations’ sake; he understood the underlying purpose of things. When powerful people were all under one roof, alliances were acquired, agreements reached, and decisions made that furthered the kingdom of Valoria itself. A coronation celebration wasn’t like a typical party, either. It was built on history. 

The Kingdom of Valoria existed because of Gideon Maelfesta. After killing the tyrant and bringing an end to the war, the people rose up around him in celebration. He walked among them, shaking hands, laughing, and cheering as they directed him towards the nearest chapel. There a cleric awaited, a crown in his hands. Malefesta refused. He turned to his closest companions for help, but their words were what convinced him to finally concede. 

Tradition burst forth from the memory. Lucius himself had walked among the people, surrounded by their cheers, and was crowned at the church. Much like the original Maelfesta. Then there was a massive feast, in the biggest hall of the castle, and everyone of importance gave a speech for their new king to represent Gideon’s friends. This, over time, had become a required pledge of undying loyalty. It had also become a competition of sorts. Hiring a writer or even a speaker for the occasion was commonplace. 

This was the celebration that Lucius found himself at, a number of days after its original date, but proceeding otherwise just as planned. From lunch until evening they sat, listening to speech after speech after speech. It was mind numbing and predictable. 

All things eventually come to an end, thank Nima. 

And again, thank Nima there was a break between the two parts of the celebration. The extra time was a gift to Lucius. He was able to change into more suitable attire for dancing, but most of all replenish his heart and mind. Much had happened over the last several days. There was hardly time to breathe, let alone relax. 

It was easy to let worried thoughts zap his energy further. Instead, he grew excited. Valorians did, after all, know how to party.

Deanna laughed at him when they met atop the stairs. He was rocking back and forth on his heels with a wide grin plastered across his face. “What?” He asked. “Do I look funny? Is my crown crooked?”

Before he could reach up to mess with his crown, Deanna grabbed his arm. “You look fine,” she chuckled. 

“Well.” His face flushed. “Well, you look lovely, too.”

She laughed again, and then pulled him down the stairs. She, too, had forgone traditional attire and donned a gown more comfortable for dancing. It was made of light silk and hung loose on her form, but would rise and fall during the twists and turns of livelier dances. Even the sleeves were designed to look almost like air. 

Lucius’ own shirt was made of similar fabric, with sleeves cropped off at his elbow and a loose neckline. Wearing it made him feel immediately less stiff. It was freeing, to feel so light. The cool castle air on his skin was refreshing after the long day, and by the time his mother and him had reached their destination, he was ready to dance. 

The music had already begun. String and woodwind instruments frolicked together in lively harmony. People moved in rhythm with the tune, dancing and laughing as they twirled. The hall was enchanting; It was hard to believe that just under an hour ago the room had been filled with tables and chairs and people. Every single chandelier now glowed with frolicking firelight. Reflective crystal bands hung between the fixtures and the whole ceiling looked as if it was full of flickering stars. 

Lucius had seen it like this only a few times, and it took away his breath every time. 

He turned to his mother with a smile. “Would you spare a dance with the king?” 

Her answering smile was radiant. Normally, the queen was quite serious in public. It was at times like these, when she truly relaxed, that she seemed her happiest. When she would dance in her husband’s arms and her joy would be obvious to all. She now had no husband to dance with. Lucius felt her hesitation upon entering the room, and, to ease her worries, offered her his hand instead. 

They joined the crowd and began to dance. 

Each song transitioned smoothly between the next, but brought with it a change of emotion that called for a new way of motion. Some called for more traditional dances, with shoulders thrown back and heads held high in a wide strut. Others called for laughter and fun, with twirling and spinning and stamping so fast it took your breath away. Others still were slower and intimate. 

It wasn’t long before Deanna resigned. “I am old, Lucius. And besides…” her eyes narrowed as she leaned towards him, “you are still a king without an heir, need I remind you?” 

He waved her away. “I was planning on proposing when things die down, but I do suppose it would all be for naught if I don’t ask Thalia to dance soon.” 

Deanna rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. 

“Let me walk you to a chair, mother, at least.” 

The queen consented, and the pair made their way to a group of couches in the far corner of the room. Leopold and Kingston were reclined upon one, deep in conversation. Both stood as Lucius approached. “Callaghan, Simmons,” the queen made a gesture of welcome with her hands. 

“Your highness, your majesty,” the two returned the greeting.

Lucius chuckled. “Cousins, it is good to see you tonight. I am glad you were able to remain despite the quite unfortunate circumstances we find ourselves in.”

“It is good to see you, too,” Leopold stepped forward and grasped Lucius’ outstretched hand firmly in his own. “I do wish the original circumstances for my travels hadn’t been so treacherously plagued, but I am relieved always you are safe and today that we can celebrate!” 

“Thank you, Leo.” 

Kingston wrapped his arm around Leopold with a sly grin. “Good ol goody two shoes, Leo. Don’t tell me you’ll be joining his club, will you Lucius?”

He laughed and shook his head. “I do what is required of me.” The three had somewhat grown up together. The late Duke Simmons and existing Duke Callaghan would often visit on business, and of course would bring their children to keep the prince company. Securing a friendship with the future king was very beneficial. 

Eventually they grew up. Leopold had been reigning Duke of the Simmons Dutchy for some years. Kingston had been a practicing representative. So it was Lucius, the youngest of the three, who ended up stepping into his born role last. The amicability between them all still remained. 

“How is Samantha doing?” Deanna inquired, and Leo the stoic lit up as he began talking about his young daughter, and then his wife, Calissa.

Kingston elbowed Lucius. “Look at him, all sappy. I say we’re still bachelors and we might as well enjoy it.” 

Well, maybe Kingston didn’t quite grow up. 

Lucius couldn’t resist. He checked to make sure no one was looking, and then leaned and whispered in his cousin's ear. “Not for long now!” Then he darted off into the crowd, his shoulders shaking with mirth. It was perfectly acceptable to behave like a child as long as no one caught you. His mother had taught him that. 

Of course, there was truth in his teasing of Kingston. His eyes scanned the hall. Towards the south end, where the music and dance was mostly located, there was no sign of her. He turned around back towards the lounging area. Cushions and blankets and curtains and couches lined the area, and those tired of dancing were filling the comfortable section with lively discussion. He was just beginning to doubt his ever finding of her when a familiar laugh caught his ear.

Thalia was seated on a couch across the room, her piercing gaze directly upon him. It had been several weeks since they last spoke. Lucius had been in negotiations with her father, the Duke Delacruz, regarding marriage. No man in their right mind would turn down a proposal from the prince, of course, but it was only proper to spend at least 3 months in discussion so as not to appear too eager to sell one’s daughter. Then King Ignes died, putting a halt to the ordeal, and now Lucius wasn’t a prince but a king. He smiled at Thalia as he approached. 

“Your majesty.” She was the first to greet him, rising from her seat and stooping low in respect. The friends around her followed suit. 

He returned the gesture to the group, but spoke only to Thalia. “Would the Lady Delacruz care to accompany me in dance?” 

“I thought you’d never ask.” 

He held out his arm, and she took it with a nod. Lucius smiled. 

In years of dancing with various eligible women, Lucius had never found someone as bearable as the woman now at his side. Beyond bearable, he even considered her to be enjoyable. She didn’t blush or grow nervous in his presence, but plowed ahead as though she really didn’t care what he thought about her words. Word had once gotten out that his favorite color was red. The next party, every eligible woman wore some form of red, save Thalia herself. Her dress had been a muted turquoise. That alone was enough to earn his attention. 

He had expected to marry her anyways. Although Duke Delacruz was no longer an official independent king, he was the descendent of an old royal family. His island state hugging the coast of Valoria was directly across the capital, Belfriese. If he decided to stage a war, and found a way to scale the cliffs of Tione from the sea, Valoria would be at a dangerous disadvantage. King Ignes had greatly approved of the alliance. Lucius also understood the wisdom of such an arrangement. 

It helped, however, that she was pleasant company. It also helped that she was lively and fiery. And it certainly didn’t hurt that she was gorgeous. 

But It was only after Lucius had danced with her that he felt completely at ease with the decision. She whisked him off his feet with spirited movement. He had even learned new dances from her - traditional ones from the old royal Delacruz family. Every time he would run out of breath, but she would dance on. His heart would race, yet her movements were as controlled and precise as ever. She brought life. 

The music playing was a common beat, and groups were beginning to form in the style of dance that accompanied such a song. Lucius and Thalia quickly joined a forming circle and linked arms. Four or five of these large groups filled the floor, each at a completely different stage of the dance. Some groups were just beginning to kick and jump and circle around. Some were in the process of running under the arms of one couple until the entire group faced backwards, and one group was already on their way towards facing inwards again to restart the dance. 

Lucius saw some of the most stoic old men in the kingdom dancing along, and he forgot entirely, for a moment that lasted too briefly, what worry felt like. Him and his people were one. They all laughed - together. 

He was just about to whisk Thalia away in his arms for the new dance when he turned and abruptly came face-to-face with Balec. There was a look in his eyes that set Lucius on edge. “I’ll be right back, lady.”

She sighed as Balec’s expression grew more grave. Thalia rested her hand on Lucius’ arm. “I will not hold you to such a fickle promise.  But, regardless, you must find me again before the end of tonight. I wish to speak with you.” 

He agreed, and then followed Balec away from the music, dance, and laughter into the dimly lit castle hall. It was cool, and people hovered around because of the refreshing temperature, so Balec continued to walk until the music was but a distant echo in the hall. 

“What is it, Balec? You cause much suspense.” 

The man smiled grimly as he adjusted his spectacles. “My apologies, Lucius, but…” He lowered his voice and drew closer to the King. “I thought it best to deliver this information to your ears before others became aware. A pigeon has been received from Temelon, bearing a scroll with King Eno’s seal.” 

Lucius took a step back.

Balec pressed further. “What would you have me do? Shall I summon the King’s Court?” 

“No.” 

“What?”

“I said no, Balec.” Lucius took a deep breath and straightened. “We meet tomorrow. I’ll have my Right Hand inform everyone once they have retired to their rooms and are away from prying eyes and ears.”

Balec looked up at Lucius, studying his expression. Lucius hardened his gaze further until finally Balec nodded. “I think that is wise.” Then he smiled, and the expression behind his eyes grew warm and unfamiliar. “Yes, that is very wise. I am with you.”

“Thank you.”

“I am always for you, Lucius. Now go! Shoo, hurry back to your celebration while the night is still young!” He waved his hands and began walking Lucius down the hall before any argument could be had. 

Temel had responded, but who cared? Lucius certainly did. Yet further advice from Balec while they walked convinced him to at least pretend like he didn’t. For at least the night. So, for the moment, he didn’t. And that was that.

---

I bet you're thinking, "That was only half a scene? Its super long!!" Yup. Its long. So, when I reread it, it felt like the pacing was super fast. BUt I also know that all my writing after I've written it seems really fast because I know what happens and just kind of skim it.So you guys let me know how the pacing felt! Did you enjoy it? Was there too much information, or not enough? 

Thank you guyysss. <3 My hand is feeling a bit better. Im trying to correct my posture to help but my back and shoulder muscles aren't strong enough right now, so it's surprisingly tiring! 

 

submitted by Jazzy
(February 20, 2021 - 3:15 pm)

Oooh I loved this scene! I thought the pacing wasn't too fast, but I would have probably liked to see a little more about the history of Valoria in the beginning there; totally your call though. Poor Deanna, she's gone through so much :( Thalia's character is interesting, and I can't wait to see what kind of impact she'll have on the storyline. Crossing my fingers that Temel is sending good news. By the way I'm glad that your hand is feeling better <3

submitted by Silver Crystal, age Infinity, Milky Way
(February 20, 2021 - 10:53 pm)

Aww, I like Thalia!

The pacing isn't too fast, you do it really well.

I can't wait to find out what the message says!

submitted by MoonKitten
(February 21, 2021 - 10:35 am)
submitted by SilverTOP, age toppp, topofmteverest
(February 23, 2021 - 11:02 pm)
submitted by SilverTOP, age toppp, topofmteverest
(February 24, 2021 - 10:46 pm)
submitted by Silver Crystal, age SERIOUSLY, STAY TOPPED PLS
(February 26, 2021 - 11:16 pm)

Silver Crystal, you're the best lol. Thanks for topping this thread so much! It is hard to keep it up when I only post twice a week.

I've got to hunker down and get a bunch of school done this evening, but I have some doodles I'll post sometime within the next few days to get us by until next Saturday. 

Toodles!

submitted by JAzzy
(February 27, 2021 - 12:42 am)

Surprise! Instead of getting doodles, you get a (pretty much) completed map! I'm posting from my phone to see if I get better quality... I wrote some words today and finished the chapter/scene from last time, but I'll let it sit before I read it over and edit it a little bit. 

Anyways, here you are! I am quite proud of this. :3 

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submitted by Jazzy
(February 28, 2021 - 9:31 pm)

Omg it's so pretty!!! It's so detailed and complicated and it makes me want to know more about the world and it's history :)

submitted by Silver Crystal, age Infinity, Milky Way
(March 1, 2021 - 11:34 am)

Surprise! You get to read it a day early!

It is a bit short though, so whoops! My next scene I'm working on I'm super excited for, though!

--

It took him an embarrassingly long amount of time to find Thalia again, considering she was seated in the exact same place where he found her last. The group, again, rose to greet him, but Thalia remained seated. She looked up at him with raised eyebrows. “I am glad you didn’t forget of me again.” 

“Again?” He was rather taken aback by her tone. She looked pointedly at him, and then at the group around them. He gathered his composure and held out his hand, which she took without another word. They left the ears of prying individuals and moved towards the dance floor. Once they had settled into the rhythm of the music, he repeated his question. 

She smiled as she circled around him, but it was a smile of the kind that makes men uneasy when they see it in women. “Over a week I have been at the castle and received no word from you, Lucius, as is proper. You can hardly blame a lady for feeling somewhat forgotten, can you?” The phrase shifted, and she spun away from him in a movement so fluid he almost missed grabbing her hand and pulling her back to him. 

In truth, he had completely forgotten. The consequences of him having no heir had certainly crossed his mind after nearly dying, but he had been far too busy to think otherwise of such affairs. He felt that saying such a thing would prove unfortunate, however. He could usually say whatever he wished with whatever woman he liked and they would still be delighted by him. Thalia was a challenge. That was why he liked her. And now, as he spun her closer to him, he chose his words carefully. “My kingdom, lady Delacruz, has been in jeopardy. And you, as a member of my kingdom, are in peril as well. I promise my mind has been wholly devoted to your greatest good. ” 

The dance brought her closer to him, and even more so than anyone would consider proper, for a fleeting moment. She stepped back in time but was smiling and flushed in a way he had never seen before after even the quickest of dances. He drew her close again, matching her smile, and stared into her dark eyes for a long moment. But her smile faded. He watched her expression shift, and her eyes grow heavy as she scanned his face. He felt her step further away, and her movements grow stiff. A different type of worry overcame him as he reached out again in desperation. “Thalia, tell me, what is wrong?” 

“I am sorry,” she sighed, “For my unjust reaction. I am not mad at you; instead, I worry. Yet am likewise grateful you are safe.” Her hands grasped his and she pulled him back into the music; he hadn’t even realized they stopped dancing. “I am disappointed in things you cannot control.” 

“Must I guess at what things you allude to?” 

“Father left today. He got word last night that his mother has grown quite ill. I am to head back tomorrow to prepare for the mourning days, as she is not expected to make it through the week.” 

He was speechless.

She gave him an odd look.

 Finally, he gathered his thoughts and constructed them formally. “I suppose I am not the King of time and traditions. May her soul rest intertwined in the threads of Kalo Nima.” 

“Well she hasn’t passed yet,” Thalia scolded him, but a small smile grew on her lips. “It is only another 30 days, but she may still recover.”

Lucius nodded. “She may still recover yet.” 

They danced together for a short while longer, but Thalia soon retired to prepare for her journey home the next day. He wondered when he would see her again; when he could finally marry and no longer worry about an unfortunate end coming upon the Maelfesta line. Not for the first time since he had spoken with Balec did the letter return to his mind. Whatever it contained, he prayed that the tidings were good. 

Exhaustion began to plague him.  Unfortunately, it was the duty of the King to stay until the very last guest. The party was, afterall, meant to celebrate him. There would still be a few hours before it ended and he could retire. 

His mind went to Kingston, who would also be leaving in the morning. Kingston was also someone that brought energy as opposed to draining it from the people around him. After a little bit of searching, he found both of his cousins as well as all of his dukes sitting on low-couches with drinks and food. Duke Delacruz, of course, had left that day, but the rest of them seemed to be laughing and at ease with one another. 

They all stood as he approached, but the Duke Orth stepped forward and grasped Lucius’ arm in a traditional greeting of the Dreksin Folk. “Wahqua!” He laughed, his bright eyes scanning Lucius’ confused expression. He was a man with deep red hair, pale skin, and dark brown eyes, all of which was common of the Dreksins’ up North. His bear had turned grey long ago, however. “Greetings, your majesty, and welcome. It is good of you to join us! Duke Haynes has brought wine from the southern kings of Temelon.” 

The Duke Haynes took that as an invitation to fill a goblet, which he promptly handed to Lucius. The man ushered him over to a seat on the cushions between Kingston and Leopold, who had to move from sitting cross-legged to their knees in order to make room. Lucius sunk down between them with his wine. He took a sip, and was startled when a cheer rose up from the men around him at his action. 

Kingston was laughing while Duke Haynes leaned forward and scanned Lucius’ face. “What do you think, your majesty?”

Lucius held up his glass. “Delightful.” Again, the group cheered, and Lucius found himself laughing and talking among them. 

This felt like a kingdom united. To his left sat Leopold, a man who, although young, had proved his wisdom and diligence again and again. To his right was Kingston, who’s attitude and charm was disarming but he, too, was on his way to becoming a powerful Duke. The Duke White watched most of the northern country before the mountains. He was old, with stark white hair, but his age led him to say what he thought without regret and he often offered wisdom that only a uniquely weathered perspective could bring. 

Duke Orth, of course, was liked by all. He rarely made the long journey to the castle, but was somehow friends and allies with everyone of importance. He caused no tension, and no one ever desired to cause tension with him. The Duke Rivera was the exact opposite. He was a scholar, and an undoubtedly knowledgeable man, but he used that to his advantage in ways that caused him to be disliked by most. He also founded the Cosmolith, which produced the greatest scholars and academic students the world had ever seen, and of course that benefited Valoria in countless ways. He kept staring at Lucius during the night, deep in thought, and it was quite uncomfortable. Lucius had to remind himself that the man was worth keeping around especially because, like Duke Orth, he rarely made the journey to the castle. 

Duke Cooley and Duke Haynes were both similar in their functions as Dukes, as the land they watched was mostly farm and country. Both were level-headed in a reassuring type of way, yet both were very lax on tradition and pomp. It was, afterall, the Duke Haynes who provided the wine. 

Duke Callaghan was a ridgid, confident old man. He, however, was precise in everything he did. The treasurer never found mistakes on his tally of taxes. And Duke Delacruz, in all his extravagance, was one of the most undoubtedly loyal men Lucius had ever met. Save for Olliver, of course. 

All of the Dukes had inherited their positions. Some were descendents from Gideon Maelfesta himself, some from Gideon’s closest friends, and some from old kingdoms that sold their autonomy for protection under the new Valoria. Yet all were capable and confident in their own way, and took good care over their assigned regions. They were rulers under Lucius, yet also stood alongside him. 

Realistically, with them by his side, a war would be doable. Temelon would put up a good fight, yes, but Lucius was the King of a Kingdom united. Of a Kingdom founded on Honor, Goodness, and Salvation. 

When the last person finally retired for the night, Lucius sent his messenger to the King’s Court in confidence. He was King of a Kingdom united. King of Valoria.

--

Lemme know what you think!

 

submitted by JAzzy
(March 5, 2021 - 7:24 pm)

I should be happy that Lucius is feeling good about his kingship... but it almost seems like something bad is going to happen soon?? Ahh I can't wait to see what that letter says!

It was very cool seeing the Dukes' discriptions- I have a feeling it'll be useful later. I also continue to love Thalia's character <3

Wonderful as always Jazzy!!  

submitted by Silver Crystal, age Infinity, Milky Way
(March 5, 2021 - 11:03 pm)

I agree with all of what Silver Crystal said. And I love the variety of characters in the Dukes! 

submitted by MoonKitten
(March 8, 2021 - 3:25 pm)
submitted by SilverTOP, age toppp, topofmteverest
(March 10, 2021 - 10:41 pm)

Ack, I've been lax in my replies to your wonderful writing!

I really like how Lucius and Thalia interact  It seems realistic, though I have absolutely no idea about those kind of things.  Especially when you through in Lucius being a king.

I do suggest slipping bits of information in at random places instead of in one paragraph in one place.  This keeps the story moving and mitigates the possibiity of the story getting mired down by explanations (this is not what is happening to your writing, I just find things more enjoyable when the explanations aren't dumped in one area).  

For instance in the begining of the story section you submitted on February 20 there was a couple paragraphs about the importance and reason for the ball Lucius was throwing.  These are very important and you should not get rid of them.  Perhaps you can include part of a speech, making the history of this party more into a story told for an audience of eager listeners instead of just a plain explanation.

At the end of the most recent story section there was a lot of explanation about the various dukes. Perhaps you can replace the explanations with a conversation between them and Lucius.  Dropping in facts about each duke as they talk when it seems fitting.  Maybe even have the people give facts about themselves in their conversation.  

Remember also that you don't need to give all the information all at once.  Give the information that is most needed by the reader at that moment.  If the reader needs more information later on give it then.  If, however, a piece of information is crucial later on or as the story moves on drop it in. Make it noticible so the reader doesn't forget but don't make it a big deal, sometimes you don't want it to stick out.

Also a good trick is to withold information.  Making it tantalizingly close but not quite within reach.  It's like a tiny cliffhanger and the reader will usually want to read on to find out this piece of information.  You do have to be careful with this though, stretching this out too long will make the reader exasperated and they might quit; and if the information you witheld makes things confusing the reader might also quit. 

While this might seem like a lot it really isn't.  Your writing is amazing already and I'm just being very picky to try and help you make it even better.  All my critiques are only suggestions, I'm not a professional writer, I am giving you everything from a reader's perspective, so some of the suggestions I make might not be something you want to follow.  It's all up to you.  This story is really interesting and you are doing a great job with all the history and formalities of this country (Valore, Valoria?).   Keep writing!  I continue to look forward to the next parts.

submitted by Peregrine
(March 13, 2021 - 11:21 am)
submitted by SilverTOP, age toppp, topofmteverest
(March 15, 2021 - 1:10 pm)