The Best Pet

My pet, in my opinion, is better than all the cats and dogs in the world combined. Your pets shed fur. Mine does not. Your pets need exercise. Mine does not. Your pets require food. Mine does not. Your pets breathe. Mine does not. Nothing can beat the superiority of pet rocks.

I found my rock outside the convenience store where my family buys groceries. He caught my eye that sunny day. Sunbathed to be warm, the perfect weight, and just the right size, I knew he was the one. I proudly picked him up and named him Dwayne. The ultimate name for the ultimate pet.

My parents were slightly concerned with my choice of pet, but I don’t blame them. They were quickly convinced, however, when I demonstrated how simple it was to care for Dwayne. Just place him in a nest of shredded newspaper every night and remember to take him out in the morning. Pet rocks are even easier to take care of than plants, since they require no watering.

Perhaps the best thing about Dwayne is that he doesn’t mind my makeovers. Whenever I’d have spare time, I’d put bows and ribbons and my mom’s lipstick and scraps of cloth onto Dwayne’s smooth, gray surface. He’d sit very, very still as I hot-glued on pieces of yarn to give him hair. As I yanked and braided his “hair,” Dwayne appeared to admire himself in the mirror. Stunning.

Once his hair was done, I’d picked him up with delicate movements. Showcasing time. First, I would thrust him into my mom’s face. Once she nodded her approval, I’d hurry over to my dad and make him admire Dwayne, too. My rock is very loved in our family.

So you see, despite how furry and affectionate your pets are, they are clearly inferior to pet rocks. Pet rocks are easy to take care of, customizable, and absolutely wonderful at playing dead. Now if you’ll excuse me, Dwayne is begging for a walk.