HI
I’ve been writing a short story for close to a year now, and I’ve only edited it fully once. I’m planning on adapting it into a graphic novel, once I finish the main story (my librarian even said that they would put the graphic novel in the library, if got it printed, because I’d be considered a local author)
Anyways, feed back would be appreciated. Really tare it apart, don’t hold back.

~~~~~

Draft 1:
The first thing I saw was darkness, then felt the cold, hard earth. Sitting up, I gazed around, trying to take in my surroundings. Shaking my head, and standing groggily. There was a foul smelling mist creeping up around me, from the looks of it, rolling up a hill. Down the slope was a dark, winding river. Around the bank, there were people milling about. Curious, I ventured closer. The figures by the river gave off a pale aqua light, their forms translucent and unclear. Taking a breath in, I took a few steps closer. As I approached the water, the wails from the other side grew louder. “I know where I am”- I kept my voice low, pushing my way to the banks of the river.
“This….this is the Underworld!” I glanced around at the souls nearby “I’m…I’m dead?”. A sudden movement in the murky water caught my attention. A boat floated up to the bank, a cloaked figure standing in it’s center. In one hand was a oar, and the other was out stretched and open, as if he were waiting for something. I could feel his hidden gaze burning into me, his presence gave me chills. A voice rasped from beneath his hood “Your payment.”
“My-my payment?” Responding as an uneasy shiver shot through my spine. The figure, who by now I’d guessed was the Underworlds ferryman, Charon, moved closer to the bank. “Your payment.”
He pointed to the left pocket in my toga. I quickly reached in, pulling out a silver coin. ‘If I really am dead, at least I won’t be stuck at the river Styx.’ Taking the small mercy, and dropping the coin in his hand. He stepped aside, letting me on the boat. The slow moving water parted for the bow, as I sat down. There was a steady rocking now, and falling into the river was the last thing I wanted. The river was wide, wider than it looked from the bank. The other side wasn’t far now, the dark earth nearing closer.
The boat bumped against the earth, as Charon sunk his oar into the river’s bed, bringing us to a stop. He turned towards me, bowing his head and stepping out of the way. Hesitantly, I took a step onto the ground in front of me. There was a minimal amount of grass, but the shoots that sprouted up from the hard ground look wilted.
Up ahead, there was a vast plane. The still air smelled slightly sweet when walking towards it. Up ahead was a field made up of golden wheat stalks, between the fluffy heads of grain were white flowers. The petals tapered into a nice point, and their slim stalks swayed when I walked past.
Scattered about the field were other shades, wandering about in silence. “The fields of Asphodel…” I spun around, looking back at the river. “I-I can’t stay here.”I called out, but Charon had already made it across the river, and was boarding another soul. My heart was sinking fast, I turned to the other shades near by. Their faces were filled with sorrow, tired eyes and sullen features turned to look at me. I could feel their empty souls sucking what life was left out of mine. I plucked one of the near by flowers.
“I need to get out.” Crushing it between my fingers, I swiveled my gaze to the rest of the planes behind me.
Ahead, I could see an archway, it’s cold stone contrasting the golden wheat around it. As I moved towards it, I could see the burning red light that flooded the ground beneath the dark doors.
As I passed the other shades, they turned their heads, their tired eyes gazing at me. Reaching the giant doors, I turned at the sound of soft foot steps. A few curious shades had followed me, their heads tilted, a questioning look on their faces. “You…you mustn’t leave.” the first one said, shaking his head.
“I must! I don’t belong here. I need to leave.” The second shade grimaced, her eyes wide. “Horrible things lie behind those doors. Fields of torture and pain.”- She reached a translucent hand towards me“A young thing like your self shouldn’t be there, Little Shade.” I glared, pulling away and turning my back on them. There were large, circular iron handles hanging from the door. Grabbing one, I pulled as hard as I could, the door budging mere inches. Groaning, I tugged with both hands. With a creak, the door opened just wide enough for me to get in. Letting go, I quickly slipped through the opening. Before the door closed with a heavy thud, I caught a glimpse of the shades faces, stricken with fear, the sanguine light glinted in their eyes
As the door slammed shut, a cloud of red dust came up from the ground. Coughing, I waved it away with my hand. The red light illuminated everything around me, and the dirt beneath my feet seemed to glow. Turning, I was once again met by a wide field. Although these fields weren’t filled with sweet smelling flowers, or meandering shades. What lay before me were The Fields of Punishment. Jagged rocks erupting from the ground, and large pools of lava scattered around. Up above me, the skies, if you could call it that, were still dark. Flying across it were winged beings, nasty, painful looking objects clutched in their clawed hands. I slid closer to the door, scanning the land before me. Past the hills and spikes, and I caught a glimpse of light. Brighter than what was coming from the small pools nearby. ‘Another river!’ I thought. Creeping away from the door, I kept my head down, jumping at the sound of wings above me.
The beings, Furies, flew over head to keep an eye on the souls in the the fields ahead. In front of me was a tall hill, and being rolled up it was a large boulder. I stopped, watching as the man pushing the boulder lost his handling, and jumped out of the way as it rolled back down. ‘Sisyphus’ I thought. The myth of this man had been a cautionary tale, passed around for years. He seemed to have noticed me, turning and looking down.
“What are you doing here Little Shade? Been sentenced ? Or just a wanderer?” I shook my head, “Just looking”
He sighed “Not a pretty sight to see, that’s for sure” He turned quickly and gave the boulder a quick heave as the sound of wings appeared overhead. Through labored breathes, again he spoke
“If you’re looking for a way out of here, the river Phlegethon is at the end of the fields. You can try and cross at the main section. But it thins out as it falls into Tartarus, so I’d try there.”
I thanked him with an earnest nod, turning my back and quickly scampering away.
The Fields of Punishment was filled with wails and screams, that just got louder the farther in you went. Keeping to the shadows, I made my way towards the burning river, it’s red light guiding me.
It was wide, filled with bubbling fire, a dark black smoke rising off it scorching surface. The heads of Shades bobbed above the surface, with pained expressions plastered upon their blurry faces. A wave of sorrow washed over me as a I took a step closer, But the fiery water splashed up over the rivers bank, forcing me back.
I followed the river, past the tortured souls, and along the charred black earth. As I walked, it’s width thinned out, until it was a small stream trickling down into depths farther than the Underworld.
The pitch black hole was the size of a large rock, to small for any human to enter ‘I suppose that’s a good thing, no one would want to go down there anyways’ I shook the thought away, as I backed up. I stood for a moment, looking at the rushing flames. It was small enough to jump now, but I still felt uneasy.
Taking a breath, I gathered my courage and took quick strides forwards. Running as fast as I could, I leaped over the river, the fire beneath me spit and hissed as I jumped.
Landing safely on the other side, I let out the breath I’d been holding. “That…..that was not fun.” I sighed, regaining my balance.
The other side of the river looked identical to the one I’d jumped from, except the small amounts of grass in front of me. The grass was green and untrodden, and the clumps turned into wide patches as it grew.
It led up to yet another archway, the doors a lighter color than the last, and the light that spilled out from under it was golden, not red.
‘This must be Elysium’ I thought, excitedly rushing forwards. The doors weren’t as heavy as the last, opening easily.
As I entered, I scanned the planes around me. There was so much more greenery here, flowers and plants sprouting up from the now healthy dirt. Far into the clearing was a grand table, chairs lined up on every side. Shades sat and feasted on the food there, they looked happy and calm. There were no Furies flying overhead, and no bubbling rivers of fire, everything was peaceful. I cautiously walked over to them, waiting for one of them to notice me. “Excuse me?” I said softly, catching one of the shades attention. He turned to look at me, kind eyes magnified by the glasses on the bridge of his nose.
“Hello there Little Shade! Are you new to Elysium?”. I was about to answer when he cut me off, and gently led me over to the table. “Never mind what you’re doing here, sit down! Have some food.” he smiled at me as I sat down, looking at the feast in front of me. “ This all looks very good, are you sure there’s enough for everyone?” He nodded, motioning around him “There’s always enough to go around, I can assure you that!”. Smiling, I eyed a piece of fruit. reaching, I went to grab it, but my hand slipped right through. Stopping wide eyed, I glanced at the shade beside me.
“Why?” frowning, and trying to lift it again “Why can’t I pick up the food?”
He grimaced “I suppose you weren’t actually sent to Elysium, were you?” pausing,I nodded solemnly in affirmative.
He continued, sighing at my answer “I’m surprised you even made it here, with the Fields of Punishment and all that.”
Staying silent for a moment, I looked up “Do you know if there’s anything past Elysium?” The shade shrugged,
“I’ve been told that Lord Hades, and Lady Persephone live just past those hills” he pointed to the ridges far ahead of us. “I can’t be sure though, so you’d have to see for your self.”
I gritted my teeth, ‘And just when I thought I was done traveling’ . Tilting my head back and looking over at the rolling green hills.
Waving a goodbye to the nice shade, I set off towards my next destination, turning to look back once before setting my head straight.
The hill’s slope was steep, the cold wind blowing down from the other side. I squinted, pursing my lips ‘These winds aren’t going to make anything easier’.
It was a tough climb up, the frigid gusts pushing down on me as I trudged upwards. At last the peak of the hill was in sight, giving me a burst of energy.
Although Elysium was so close behind, there were fewer flowers on the hill. The little that still grew were windblown and crooked.
Breathing out a heavy sigh, I pushed my self up the last few feet of the incline, struggling to stay upright with the strong winds. I ended up sitting on the ridge, dropping my self down to rest.
There was a vast canyon before me, it’s walls made of dark gray rock. Past the canyon was another river. From what I could tell, it’s waters were milky white, and clumps of red flowers grew along it’s bank. In front of me, in the center of the gorge, was a palace. More of a hall, really. It was long in shape, and only had two levels. Spires shot up from the ground to support it’s roof. There were no walls on the first floor, and there for no windows. The second floor was enclosed, except for two large openings on the front, and a balcony between them. On either side of the hall’s roof were three tall spikes, forming some what of a crown on the structure. Surrounding the hall was a variety of trees and plants, and creating a luscious garden, out of place in the stark, gray landscape.
Finally I decided to go down the hill, and into the canyon. As I slowly walked downwards, the winds died away, leaving me in a warm, dry climate. The ridges behind the hall blocked the gusts, and the heat from Tartarus below warmed the still air. “It’s actually quite pleasant down here” I muttered, an undertone of surprise in my voice. Other than the occasional sharp rock here and there, the walk towards the hall was quick and easy. The great building was intimidating to say the least. There wasn’t a sound that escaped the dark walls, nor any light either. The floor was cold as I stepped into the hall, my footsteps echoing off the tall columns. Creeping quietly into the building, I kept my head low, taking my surroundings in. The main floor was open and spacious, the roof held up with pillars made of dark onyx, flecks of sliver flashing in the light from outside. Stopping, I stood in the center of the room, looking around.
Ahead, there were two tall doors. Their wood was just as black as the stone, smooth and shining. I stood in front of the arch way, hesitantly listening. Muffled voices were speaking in low tones. Not quite a whisper, but hushed enough for me to need to strain my ears. Crouching down, I peered under the door, flickers of light washing across the cold floor.
There were two people standing in the room beyond me, but I couldn’t see much due to the large black wings on one of the figures obscuring my view. The room was longer than it was wide, the walls enclosing it were adorned with jewels of all sorts, and large wax candles were burning away in bronze sconces.
“There have been reports of a wandering shade through out the fields, my Lord.” said the winged man.
A heavy silence fell over the room until only the soft crackling of fire reached my ears.
“ …Let me know once you find them, I’d like a word with this soul”
The wings fluttered as he dipped his head “Yes, my Lord”. Rising, he turned towards the door. I took a sharp breath in, scrambling up, and looking around.
Retracing my steps, I headed for the entrance, looking over my shoulder to see if I was being pursued. Luckily, there was no one coming after me, at least for now.
Stopping once my feet hit the ragged earth, I whipped my head back and forth, glancing around for a place to hide.
A flash of green caught my eye, “Of course, the garden!” I rushed forwards, crashing into the foliage, and kept on running until I entered a small clearing. The trees rising up around me held shiny red objects, large fruits hanging from the branches. “Pomegranates?” I breathed, standing up and reaching for the gem-like fruit.
“Have my fruits captured your attention?” said a soft voice from behind me. I jumped, despite the gentle tone. Quickly turning around, I yanked my hand back to my side. “I-I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to take any.”
She smiled, blinking slowly. “It’s fine, there’s enough to spare” she reached out, plucking a pomegranate from it’s stem. Cracking it open, she held it out for me.
“Uh, no. No I’m okay. I’m not very hungry anyways.” Declining her offer, I waved my hands. She shrugged, tucking a stray piece of flaxen hair behind her ear.
“Your loss” she picked a seed from the middle and popped it in her mouth, swallowing it’s sweet taste. She then turned, motioning for me to follow.
I padded after her, leaving indented footprints in the soft, mossy earth. “Do you live here?” asking as I looked at the leaves above. We kept walking as she answered, “I do right now, I’ll go back up in a few months”- She tilted her face up towards the endless black abyss above, then plucked a flower from a near by tree and twisted it between her fingers -“For half the year I live down here with my husband.” She smiled and clasped her hands, looking calmly at me.
I narrowed my eyes, “Who is your husband?” I said, letting my hands wander to the hem of my toga, picking at the fraying fabric. She kept smiling, nodding her head “The king.” I stared intently at her as she gestured to the space around us “The king of the Underworld”
I recoiled, my eyes widening “Hades?!” my mouth agape, I shook my head “Your husband is Hades, the king of the Underworld.”- I glanced at the halved pomegranate laying on the ground, and it clicked. – “Which means you’re … Persephone!” I quickly bowed my head, suddenly conscious of my previous behavior.
Her gaze softened, “You needn’t bow your head, little shade” Persephone knelt on the grass, beckoning me to do the same. “From the urgency with which you crashed into my garden, I’m guessing you heard Hades talking of a ‘wandering shade’ traveling trough out his domain.”
My eyes widened, as did hers, but with slight amusement.“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him you’re here” Letting out a breath I’d been holding, I nodded my head gratefully.
“Lady Persephone, do you know of a way to reach to mortal world again?”
She looked at me with a quizzical look on her face “Why would you want to leave? A shade like you is meant to be down here” Shaking my head, I grit my teeth “I’m really not. I still have family, and a life. There are people up there who surely miss me.” I pointed to the darkness above us. Persephone gave me a pitying look, sighing. She turned her back to me, tilting her head up “I shall summon Hermes to bring you up, though you may not like what you find” Confused, I opened my mouth to speak. She cut me off with a snap of her fingers,and the sound of flapping wings appeared in the distance. I spun around, looking above my head for the winged messenger. Footsteps landed softly behind me, and quickly stepped closer.
“Good day Lady Persephone, what can I do for you?” The god’s figure came into my view, the four wings on his head fluttered slightly as he nodded in greeting.
Persephone bowed her head in return, “Lord Hermes, I’d like you to bring this young one,” – she gestured towards me – “up to the surface. Is that possible?”
He paused, giving me a puzzled look, but eventually saluting her in affirmative. “Yes Ma’am! I’ll have ‘em up there as soon as the sun rises”
He looked at me, a toothy grin still plastered across his face “You ready to go back up?” I nodded, moving a step closer to him. He linked his arm with mine, dragging me along as the world rushed by in a blur of gray and red.
A burst of air entered my lungs as we stopped, the scenery around me no longer a lush green. My eyes adjusted to the low light, and a familiar mist rolled up around my feet. Looking around, I noticed the murky water rushing by “The River Styx” I muttered, turning to look behind me. The ground curved upwards, leading to a tall gap in the dark rock walls. There was a warm light spilling out, illuminating the uneven earth in front of it. Pacing forwards, I pointed at the light. “Is that the mortal world?” I asked, my head turned away from Hermes.
“Yep! I’m sure you’re dying to leave,”- he chuckled mid sentence at his joke – “so I’ll go now.” he nodded, and disappeared, the flapping of his wings fading just as quickly.
The light from the opening wasn’t warm, which was strange. It looked golden, like sunlight. Excusing it, I shimmed into the crack, and out of the Underworld. Blinking, I raised a hand to shield my face. Although the sun wasn’t quite up yet, the quick change stung my eyes. The clearing I’d entered into was empty, the forest around me quiet. Looking for any landmarks, I saw the tall dome of a temple in the distance.
Rushing forwards, I brushed branches out of my face, leaves falling in my wake. My breath came quickly as I ran through the trees, pushing ahead as the red light of dawn crawled closer. There was a quick gust of wind as I broke through the the line of the forest. Standing on the crest of a hill, I looked down upon a familiar town. Feeling a smile spread across my face, I stumbled down the hill, struggling to keep my self up right.
Although the the sunlight was just reaching the town, there was already a bustle with in the walls of the town. I passed through the open gates of the entrance, grinning while I looked around at the people. Merchants were setting up shop, placing their wares on display. The scent of fresh bread wafted for one of the open door ways, and bundles of dried herbs swung in the breeze from the hung perch in windows. No one looked my way, not one head turned. It wasn’t all that odd, people were busy. But I still felt some of that giddiness slip away.
Past the market, groups of houses lined the streets, but the numbers diminished as I reached the familiar pastures. I could see a few buildings sprinkling the lush fields, lone but not isolated.
Just ahead there was a quaint house, the door swinging closed as a woman walked in. “Mother…” I breathed, my feet moving on their own towards my family’s house.
The warm fire shone through the windows, it’s smoke billowing out of the chimney. Raising my hand, I knocked on the door, or, tried to. My fingers passed through the wood, disappearing past the door. Studying my arm, I could now see the pale aqua light emanating off it. My mouth opened, nothing came out. All that dread I felt in the Underworld came rushing back as I passed through the door entirely.
The house I’d grown up in hadn’t changed, the my collection of rocks rested on the window, and a third chair still sat at the table with the other two. Mother was sitting by the fire, her skilled fingers weaving one of her tapestries. My father was carving a piece of wood, the paper thin shavings falling into a bowl that his weathered hands had also crafted. Stepping closer, neither of them lifted their heads. I knelt down by my Father, reaching out to tug on his shirt, but it was no use. My hand passed through him, and other than a little shiver, there was no reaction.
I stood, hanging my head. I glared at the earth below me, my neck felt hot, burning with a mixture of rage, directed at my self more than anyone else, a heavy sadness, and shame. Shame sunk deeper the feeling of loss I felt when I first saw that river. Shame because I didn’t think I’d be so stupid to think I’d actually escape death. My finger nails dug into my palms as I walked away from my family, and any life that had belonged to me. I passed through the door once again, and this time it felt normal, which I hated.
Tears blurred my vision of the town gates, the columns and buildings passing out of my line of sight.
Even though I lacked a physical form, I felt heavy and slow. Like the earth was pulling me down, back into the depths below. I slumped my shoulders, looking up at the sky.
“HERMES.” I shouted, praying he’d come back for me. I don’t think I could linger in a world that had forgotten me.
He appeared quickly over head, landing softly on the dirt in front of me. An ever cheery smile was plastered on his face, “Hey Little Shade! Done already?” I couldn’t make eye contact with him, embarrassed at tears welling up. “Please…” – I took a breath in through my nose – “Please take me back to the Palace of Hades.” He nodded, his exuberance seeming to fade a bit as his eyes roamed my face.
This time, the trip seemed faster, and it couldn’t be over soon enough. We arrived in front of the looming building, the darkness in the door way seemed heavier somehow. I walked away from him, heading for the throne room. He followed me silently, worry vibrating off him. Light was still washing from under the tall doors, and voices reached my ears, three of them.
Although I still felt sadness, a hint of anger was starting to flicker as well. Not so much that I forgot the status of the three in the room ahead, but I opened the door with a bit more force then intended. At the far end of the room was a throne, and sat upon it was Lord Hades himself. He looked at me with tired eyes, I opened my mouth to speak, but was cut off by the greeting of Hermes.
“My Lord, and Lady” he said, looking at Persephone, who was standing on the King’s right. “Thanatos.” The man to the left of the throne, his black wings folded behind him, nodded.
Hermes continued “There is a shade who would like to talk to you.”
I squared my shoulders, looking her in the eyes. “You said that I would be brought back to the mortal world.” She nodded, glancing at Hermes.
“And you were.” Folding her hands, she waited for my answer. My frustration died down a bit, she had kept her word after all. “Yes”- I glanced at the floor- “Yes I was.”
She settled on the arm of the throne, placing a hand on her husbands shoulder. “So then, what’s the problem”
“You never said I’d still be dead!” Closing her eyes, Persephone looked calm.
“I can tell you’re smart. I’d have thought you’d figure out that there’s no escaping death.”
I couldn’t find the words to respond, my mouth hanging open as I stood there. Hades leaned forwards, taking a breath in, before he could speak, his wife stopped him with a squeeze of her hand on his own “You may not like this situation, but it’s what will be.” she shook her head “Your time has come, and now you’re meant to be here.”
“But I’m not, there’s still things I want to do. Places I want to see!” – I doubled over, letting my head fall into my hands – “I barely even lived a life, it can’t end now”
Her voice softened, soothing and honeyed “Although only your soul remains, your life hasn’t ended” She stood, prompting her husband to speak with a small nod of her head.
The King of the Underworld looked at me, his tired gaze warming when he looked at his wife “Persephone has told about you, and we’ve discussed what to do.” he stood, laying his hand on her shoulder. “She believes that you deserve something other than the Fields of Asphodel.”
It was Thanatos who spoke, “We’ve seen your resilience and bravery, you crossed the Fields of Punishment in one piece. You still have life in you, in some sense.”
I stood there, eyes wide and mouth agape.
“I…I’ll be here? At the hall.” -I took a few steps closer- “I don’t what to say…”
Persephone smiled sweetly, gently taking my hands in hers.
“ ‘Thank you’ is a start, and then we’ll move on from there.”