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117 words of nonsense. I feel like cringing.
I was told to jump. Jump. I don’t want to. Face whatever is
down there. No. The thing still told me to… jump. I refuse. Except… I am
falling already. I don’t want to. No. I am. No. NO. NO!! The water feels like a
slab of cement. My muscles ache. My ribs feel broken. But I have to swim.
Continue. Continuing feels like swimming in Jell-O. I hate Jell-O. Whatever I did is done. Gone. A voice pulls me
up. Icy water begins to evaporate. Evaporate. I am freezing. Ice coats my
joints. Air feels like a knife. I have to close my eyes.The lady standing outside the cell smiles. Another person
for her collection.-
Don't feel embarassed. It is kind of brilliant in a way.
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Letting myself explore a world I've been thinking about for a while. It's 177 words. I know you said you were partial to shorter stories. However, I have tried to make it so that the words are necessary to either plot, characterization, or suspense/build, which is something people tend to disregard with shorter stories, but which I think is still important.
Anywho, it's not perfect, but I definitely had fun with it. And do you think you could offer some critique/comments? Thanks.
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“No matter where you hide, we are always there.”
The Emperor’s unsettling words echoed through her mind as she sprinted towards the exit, her partner running alongside her. An empty threat? No time to wonder. She fired wildly at the bots, which exploded into sparks and metal.
Her fellow escapee prepared to throw.
“No! It’s out last one!” she shrieked. The solar grenade flew, the ground warping as it drew power from its source…
And obliterated every last assailant.
She took a moment to study him. The familiar violet eyes and reckless smile she knew better than her own were a comfort in this unfamiliar nightmare.
“Thank Zyon I have you on my side.” She cracked a reckless smile of her own.
His expression changed. “That’s what you think,” he whispered, pointing his flame-ray at her.
She tried to scream, but now she was burning, fire slowly consuming her from inside. She collapsed, a wisp of blue smoke escaping her lips.
The last thing she saw was the Jemstone, gleaming cruelly at her from his traitorous hand.
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The way you introduce the fellow escapee is confusing, and it would be much better if our main character is overrun, and then he runs out of nowere and frees her, and then betrays her, rather than him being there all along. I think that would add more action, and make the character a little less passive.
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Hmm. That does seem like it would add to it. Thanks.
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Not sure mine posted…
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“No matter where you hide, we are always there.”
The Emperor’s unsettling words echoed through her mind as
she sprinted towards the exit, her partner running alongside her. An
empty threat? No time to wonder. She fired wildly at the bots, which
exploded into sparks and metal.Her fellow escapee prepared to throw.
“No! It’s our last one!” she shrieked. The solar grenade
flew, the ground warping as it drew power from its source…And obliterated every last assailant.
She took a moment to study him. The familiar violet eyes and
reckless smile she knew better than her own were a comfort in this unfamiliar
nightmare.“Thank Zyon I have you on my side.” She cracked a reckless
smile of her own.His expression changed. “That’s what you think,” he
whispered, pointing his flame-ray at her.She tried to scream, but now she was burning, fire slowly
consuming her from inside. She collapsed, a wisp of blue smoke escaping her
lips.The last thing she saw was the Jemstone, gleaming cruelly at
her from his traitorous hand.-
Amazing.
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If you miss this round, I will run a second round, and the prize will be either
(a) Drawing the concept illistrations for the story
(b) Helping me write the setting of the story
I will need all entries for the second round in by 1:00 Pacific Time on Saturday.
Again, this round will be, mainly, if you forgot or are not quite finished.
-Gared
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The top stories are:
Oliver Patrick's edged towards his starship as shouts of anguish echoed around him. He new there was one thing he had to do. His father's last words before he tried to make contact with the planet Earth and disappeared, were echoing in his head, now mingled with the frantic cries for help. “Oliver, my son,” he had said, "remember me.'
As Oliver's starship rocketed towards the planet, he muttered the words under his breath. He new what he had to do, find the Amulet no matter what. It he'd been stolen by humans years ago. Even Oliver didn't know the full extent of the Amulet's powers, all he new was that it protected his home planet and that was enough for him. Oliver landed his ship and took a deep breath before opening the hatch. Outside was the armies of humans shouting in a strange language readying their weapons. Oliver walked down the ramp slowly. "I come in peace." He said but he knew they couldn't understand him. Suddenly, out of the crowd of curious humans, stepped a tall burly figure. This was no human. This was his father.
submitted by BookBug, age 9, Australia
The woman blasted a Vere-Jobu intent on sucking her blood into a wall, then turned to smile sweetly at the man fighting next to her.“That’s a baker’s dozen. You?” The man fired a laser at a Vere-Jobu about to overwhelm his partner.
“Fourteen. Watch your back.” They pushed their way forward, shooting anything that moved.
“They said I was crazy to come with you.” She laughed.
“You are crazy.” He punched an access code into a keypad, and ran into the next room. She hurried to the central control panel, while he watched the entry.
“You know what’s about to happen?” She was trying furiously to pull down the shield.
“I wish you hadn’t come.” He shot another Vere-Jobu, as she punched the final code.
“Shield disabled. Solar breach imminent. Lockdown initiated.”A voice boomed out over the speakers, and the door swooshed shut.
“We saved humanity. I thought it would feel more epic.” The woman walked away from the panel, and collapsed next to the man, who sported several bite marks.
“I’m so sorry it had to be this way.” She reached out for his hand, then the station blew up.
submitted by Mirax T. , age 12, The Errant Venture
The gentle scene- soft atmospheric music, the blue green pond- was too calm. Lith's nerves tingled as she walked silently along the path. Her fingers twitched, itching to hack into the programming of the pleasure garden. The gentle music was useless to Lith- she'd installed modifications to her shoes that silenced any pesky clicking- and they left her unable to hear anyone coming. But abruptly removing the music would let them know where she was- and Lith COULDN'T be captured. They would try to remove her from the stimulation, and in doing so realize the truth. She was a program posing as a user- and if they figured that out, they would surely deconstruct her.Lith's finely tuned scents caught the gentlest click of shoe, and she was gone, racing silently through the pleasure garden towards a shortcut she'd installed. All that was left was the blue green pond, a breeze gently stirring some of the waterlilies.
submitted by Indigo, 158 words
“No matter where you hide, we are always there.”The Emperor’s unsettling words echoed through her mind as she sprinted towards the exit, her partner running alongside her. An empty threat? No time to wonder. She fired wildly at the bots, which exploded into sparks and metal.
Her fellow escapee prepared to throw.
“No! It’s our last one!” she shrieked. The solar grenade flew, the ground warping as it drew power from its source…
And obliterated every last assailant.
She took a moment to study him. The familiar violet eyes and reckless smile she knew better than her own were a comfort in this unfamiliar nightmare.
“Thank Zyon I have you on my side.” She cracked a reckless smile of her own.
His expression changed. “That’s what you think,” he whispered, pointing his flame-ray at her.
She tried to scream, but now she was burning, fire slowly consuming her from inside. She collapsed, a wisp of blue smoke escaping her lips.
The last thing she saw was the Jemstone, gleaming cruelly at her from his traitorous hand.
submitted by Owlgirl, age 13
The Winner will be announced tommorow morning.Also, these stories have been slightly corrected: the spelling has been fixed, and the formatting has been edited. Please see these people's original works for the uncorrected version. -
Thanks for having a second round Gared. I interpreted the Friday deadline as anything before Friday would get in and then I was out all day today, so yeah… Anyways, here's my story:
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Smoke hissed from hidden seams as it struggled against the mag-lock and Bri regretted replacing the creature's dead battery. She ignored her mask's scrolling diagnostics and paced around the creature. Bear-shaped, short synthetic fur, metal “muscles” in all the right places. It looked like the zoo's high-end animatronics, but it had been found in the archives, of all places. No-one had claimed it, so whatever the creature was it would soon be nothing more than valuable parts. Parts for money, money for food, food to feed little Quin. Her curiosity would just have to ignore this mystery. She pulled a cutter from her belt. It went limp, red eyes glaring at her.
And then it spoke. “You don't want to do that.”
Bri hesitated, then frowned. “You shouldn't be able to talk.”
It seemed to smile. “Even you know that's a stupid statement.”
“Alright… Why shouldn't I dismantle you? The parts'll earn me maybe 80 niks, and you're just an anim, probably repurposed and programmed by some smart aleck.”
“Because I'm not just any old 'nim.” It opened its mouth and released a spurt of smoke into Bri's face, making her cough. It was definitely smiling. “I'm a sentient.”
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199 words, a bit more like a short scene or a story-starter than a story, but I don't think it's too bad. Constructive criticism welcome.
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It reminds me of the replicants in Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. I defanently think that qualifies as a short story, and the way you instert slang makes a very convincing future.
It leaves a lot open for possible additions to the story.
I have a possible edit: when you say "food to feed little Quin," why did you say little Quin, not just Quin. The "little" adds a word, and I don't really think it adds that much. That is why I mention it.
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Cool, I haven't read either of those books, I'll have to see if my library has them…
Hmm, yeah, I thought having Quin be thought of as young might make him (and by connection Bri) more sympathetic for the reader, as well as giving a bit more of her character by being a tiny bit less vague about who Quin might be, but you're right that it doesn't add much when the story is so short and his character is so vague anyways. Thanks for the feedback!
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Blade Runner is a movie. Also, now I see your point.
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The winner of the first round is: BookBug!
I love the character you make, and the twist at the end says just enough to understand what's going on, but not enough to feel like boring explaining. The story is fast-paced, and I feel like I really am going on a spaceship to Earth.
If you didn't win: don't worry! Turn in another story by 1:00 (Pacific time) Saturday to be entered in another contest. The prize for this one will be either doing the concept art/illustrations or helping me with the description of the setting for my story.
I loved everybody's stories, and I felt that everybody brought something unexpected to the contest, and I am looking forward to reading some of your guy's stories in the next round.
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Congrats, BookBug!
Gared, I did not participate in the previous round. May I participate now? I completely understand if you decide nom 😉
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Yes! This is a round for everybody, whether they entered the first one or not.
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Thank you so much, Gared!
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I'll join! Is this round also sci-fi?
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I will make a thread were we can start work on the story a tas later. Keep an eye out.
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Yay, BookBug! 😀
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Anna looked sadly down to Earth. She was extremely homesick, and wanted to go back there. She knew that she should be proud of being the first kid on the moon, but all it was was a vast, desolate wasteland so unlike her home planet. Anna sighed, planted a flag on the moon, and returned to the spaceship. The next morning, when she woke up on he spaceship, she felt much better. She decided to take advantage of the once in a lifetime opportunity that awaited her in space.
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That reminds me of the opening to a '50s radio drama. Well done.
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Here's my story. I'm not sure what this is saying, but it sure was fun to write. Those of us who were in the first round are allowed to enter in this one, correct? If not, you can disregard my story.
The opera singer trilled her last note, the dancers stopped dancing, and the Temporal Vortex Engine stopped humming
“That’s a wrap people. Time to film the advertisement, and close up shop.” Rami snapped her notebook shut, and smiled patronizingly at the film crew, then the camera. It was good take today, the time vortex hung on to the end, only three fatalities, and everyone was at their creative best. One last job to do, and she could go home.
“Here at Temporal Pictures Inc. we strive to bring you the best entertainers from across our linear perception of time. We harness cutting edge technology to sustain multiple timelines on set. From Bing Crosby to Galentus of Epsilon 5, turn on TP Inc, and you get the best entertainment, guaranteed.” She grinned artificially for a moment more, then smiled a more genuine smile to herself. If only the consumers knew what really went on on set. Ignoring the echoes of forgotten entertainers, Rami strode off home for a nice coffee, and some pre recorded television.