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Prince of Peace~
Hello. You can call me Jazzy. First, I want to explain what this is! Then I'll tell everybody a little bit about myself :D.
I like to write. I don't have time to write and do Nanowrimo. I also don't have the motivation to write. But way back when I was a young lass, I wrote a 90k+ fanfiction and I only got that far because I publically had people reading it and encouraging me on! So, hear me out, I've got a theory. I can do the same thing, but with an original story idea, and having some people reading it and giving me feedback will (hopefully) produce the same results! Essentially, I just need some writing accountability buddies and you guys might just do the trick. I might attempt to post my story in regular intervals (like every two weeks), or I might not. We'll just have to see. Either way, if I keep this up, I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE AND APPRECIATE everyone who wants to comment on my story and give advice! Obviously this is a rough draft, so if you see spelling or grammatical errors just ignore them. Those are easy to fix. I'd love advice specifically about the story and characters and plot. All im trying to do right now is write a story! So come at me and rip it to shreds (nicely plz) with advice! My first book is called Prince of Peace. I wrote 15k on it last summer during camp Nanowrimo (whichwasmygoaldon'thateonmefornotfinishingNano. Isucceededokay). I am rewriting it because it needs some work, so everything you will be reading is fresh out of the brain-oven. Anyways, onto ME!
I am, surprise surprise, an old CBer. I was about 11-12 when I joined, and was a part of the Chatterbox for a few years. I'm 18 now. I'm a freshman in college, and I am a music performance major. Because of Covid, my first semester of college has been online, which saves me a ton of money, but really really sucks in every other way. But it's okay! We get through it. But yeah, I take about 17-18 credits every semester to do music performance, so that's why I'm busy and Nanowrimo isn't ideal. (For those that don't know, 18 credits is the max amount in college.) But hopefully a biweekly posting schedule that is very very lax will give me the creative space I need to keep pursuing writing as a hobby! Yay! 😀 Yeah, Jazzy isn't my original Cber name, btw. I have no intention of revealing my old identity, so you can try and guess, but I'd prefer if you focused your comments on writing tips or other neat stuff like saying hellooo and introducing yourself. I just don't want this thread to turn into a 'guess who I be' kinda thinga ma bob.
So, onto how this hopefully will work!
First of all, feel TOTALLY free to introduce yourself to me, and also ask questions about me if you'd like! I know I'm like, an 18 year old, and I hope that isnt creepy, but I loved this community as a kid. I don't feel comfortable posting my story anywhere else, honestly, and this format and website is familiar to me. It was a childhood home. Plus CBers are angels and really sweet. Anyways, for writing stuff, when I post a chapter (I use the term 'chapter' extremely loosely), if you want to give advice, click 'reply' specifically to the box that the chapter is in. Otherwise it'll get confusing and yeaahhhh I don't need more chaos in my life. Because, you know how you can click reply to the main box (which this text is in) and then you can reply to the specific reply to the main box that makes a smaller box underneath the specific box instead of at the END of all of the original replies and everyone gets confused and – yeh. That. Heh. Peace out, I guess. Ask away!
And, to start us off, what do you think of my first paragraph that I wrote 10 minutes ago? Would you read this book JUST knowing the title and first paragraph?
"Mothers, as the sayings goes, always know best. They have
eyes on the back of their heads, their hugs and kisses heal the deepest of
wounds, and they know. There are some bad mothers in the world, certainly, but
a good mother can see through the most delicately woven lies and know that something
is wrong. They see. However, it is the wisdom and advice of mothers that should
be appreciated the most. Even on political topics, like assassination, their
advice should be followed. Especially when the topic of assassination hits
quite close to home. Literally. Mothers do, really, know best"(I won't be able to post more writing until after FINALS UGH, so Mid-December, but I'll answer questions and chat for a bit when I can!!)
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OH NO FORMATTING WHY.
I am sorry admins… I guess copying and pasting from microsoft word is cursed. Idk if you can fix that or not… but to everybody else… the chaos around my story blurb is just… forbidden. 🙁
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Oh my gosh, HI! *hugs* (I know who you are from another post, or at least I know like who you were as a CBer, so you don't need to be weirded out that I just tackle hugged you.) XD I hope you remember me anyways, so yeah. XD
And being 18 isn't weird at all, if it is, let's be weird together! XD
I'm 18 too, and honestly I haven't posted much here because well… even though I was pretty active earlier, I have been thinking it's kind of finally my time to move on from the Chatterbox, but I might be around once in a while. 😉
Puck and Ariel say hi also btw, they miss their old friends and they're glad to see you around again, even if just for a bit. 🙂
Good luck in college and stuff!
Also, I would love to see and read your story!! 🙂
Catch you later! *disappears in cloud of smoke*
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WOW! I can't believe you are still around, Joan! Of course I remember you! Man, it's good to see a familiar face haha. Are you still in highschool? What are your plans? (not having any plans is perfectly acceptable and fine lol.) I honestly barelllyy remember my captcha and AE names. It's been so long. I think I had one named Sparta for some reason?
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Hey, Jazzy! Nice of you to check in and share your story with us, I really like the beginning! It's so cool that you're a music performance major, too. Oh, and I'm sorry but I accidentally saw who you were from the other thread you made, I won't mention it 🙂
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Hi Azalea! It's nice to meet you! Are you interested in music, too? The way you said it makes me think you also have some affiliation with music! I play the flute, if you're wondering, and that's what I'm getting my performance major in. 🙂
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Hey Jazzy! I'm Silver Crystal. Welcome back to the CB and I hope you're not too overwhelmed at college. I look forward to reading your story 🙂
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Hi Silver Crystal! Thanks for the warm welcome! It is good to be back for a bit. And yes, I hope I'm not too overwhelmed at college too! Finals coming up is…. ugh. Don't EVER take highschool finals for granted lol.
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Hi Jazzy! It's always great to have an older CBer pop in. I'm Nightfall, as if that wasn't obvious. uwu.
Also, ANONYMOUS POSTER WHO ALWAYS POSTS THAT POST INTRO ON CAC THINGY YOU DON'T NEED TO DO IT ON THIS THIS IS WRITING, THIS IS BELONGING IN INKWELL
Ok, sorry, needed to clarify that, since there's a problem of this anonymous poster. See AgentMango's intro on Inkwell for an example.
And yes, I would love to read this book, since I love all books, but this one is special to me. idk why though it rings a bell.
AAAH your writing is so good!
~Nightfall
IBI! DID YOU JUST CURSE?
<notht> <wsgio>
GIO!
*thtws* *wtrfl*
ARGH YOU ALL ARE GOING TO BE PUNISHED TO YOUR ROOMS YOU SASSY CAPTCHAS!
[sorry outbreak of cursing captchas over here]
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Thanks for saying hi, Nightfall! We love some sassy captchas; no need to apologize! I do wonder why my idea rings a bell, aha. If you ever find out let me know!
And yes, thanks for the heads up about the anonymous poster. Even if they did find something wrong with my post, I wouldn't be bothered. I do know how the CB works haha.
Anyways, nice to meet you NIghtfall!
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Yeah lol name thing backfired! Oh well. still going to go by Jazzy though; it has a ncie ring to it. It's nice to hear some responses and I'll chat when it's not…. 1:30 in the morning ahahahahahahaha.
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wow I haven't posted her in a VERY long time
but Hi Jazzy, I saw your other post (sorry), and I found it so weird because just this afternoon (actually probably yesterday now because this won't get posted until later) I was thinking about Inkwell after talking in an old NANO CBers classroom, despite us missing each other by around 2ish years you were the first name to come to mind.
It's so great to meet you, and I'm really looking forward to reading your story <3
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Heyyyy, it's nice to meet 'cha!
I'm Freak, a relatively new CBer here.
I'm friends with Sammy Everlast, Anonymous Goat, Timber Wolf, and K.A.D.E. in the real world.
Hope you're having good luck with school, because I'm sure as {heck} not. _(._.)_
I have one CAPTCHA named Gambler, who lives to insult me.
<dangg> <right>
Well, that's all I have to say. The Gang (See the list of the people I tolerate above) says 'hi'.
Can't wait to see ya around!
<dontd> <othel> <ameou> <trooo>
Freak out!
<whati> <smyli> <feeee>
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Nice to meet ya, Freak! Ngl I feel really bad calling you by your own name, like I'm a bully or something. But I guess you picked it out! That's so cool that a lot of you guys are friends in real life! I live in the middle of nowhere so I've never ever met another Cber. I hope you guys have lots of fun talking behind the scenes, and writing, and yada yada. Tell them all I said hi. Thanks for stopping in to introduce yourself, and I'll see you around!
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Hi Annabeth! I actually vaguely remember your name, though I'm not sure if it was you or another Annabeth. We never interacted much, but regardless, hi! And tell everyone in your chat I said hi! I am very flattered that you all remembered me. ( only good things, I hope 😉 ) Seriously, it makes me happy that I came to mind. It's nice to be remembered. 😀
Thanks for saying hi! Who else in your classroom? I wonder who else I would remember.
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of course all good things! 🙂
I gotta think about who was on around our time…
There's St.Owl, Viola?, Mei, and I think Sorin Infinity, along with a fair amount of new CBers
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Here is section #1, from the top! (not really a chapter, just the opening scene from the book. I reworked my intro. Hopefully formatting works!)
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"Lucius ducked not a moment too soon. An arrow flew directly over his head, cracking against stone, and another followed before the first had even hit the ground. The second crack was heard clearly over the stunned silence. Then the queen screamed, the guards burst into action, and the crowd erupted into a frenzied panic. Lucius was a leaf on the wind in the wake of chaos. Guards pulled him inside the church doors and hurried to shut them before the panicked crowd could reach the sanctuary. A hand yanked him away from the opening as a guard to his left collapsed. More hands pushed him further back, behind a wall of soldiers and servants and priests, but the arms of his mother finally held him still. She gripped his shoulders, desperately searching for injuries. “Alright?”
He nodded.
“Alright.” Still, Deanna looked him over one more time before she was satisfied. Her tentative smile was reassuring, but her eyes were still worried.
Lucuis finally came to himself, shaking off the haze of shock that had settled over his senses, and pulled his mother into a hug. She was shaking. “Are you alright?” He felt her nod against his shoulder but only held her tighter. “You screamed.”
Her laugh was nervous. “What else am I supposed to do when an arrow nearly kills you?”
Lucius wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he turned to look at the chaos behind them. Sounds of chaos and panic assaulted his ears. The doors were secure, but the way they shook against the thunderous crowd was less than reassuring. He kept his mother under his arm and guided her towards a huddle of soldiers. Jaque’s orders were clear even over the chaos. “She has red hair; I want everyone out there taking any woman with red hair in for questioning.” His eyes caught Lucius’, and his expression darkened. “Your majesty, my sincerest apologies for the intrusion, I- What are you still doing here? GO! She’ll be gone by the time you get on it!” The men gathered around him wasted no more time listening. They followed two of the church servants; no doubt out through different doors. Jaque composed himself. “My apologies. I know it is the utmost of importance to catch the assassin. Not at the cost of your safety, however.”
His mother nodded curtly beside him. “Indeed.”
Jaque hesitated at her tone. “Again, my apologies. A room is being secured as we speak, and backup is on its way. Oliver!” He called over a soldier hovering near Lucius; one of his personal guards. “Take their majesties to the room. Take several men with you; you are not to move from position until I personally say so. We don’t know how big the threat is, yet.”
Oliver nodded at Jaque, and then jerked his chin at Lucius. “Come with me, your Majesty. Your highness.” Other soldiers fell into step around them as Oliver rushed through the church to a more secure location. The further they went into winding hallways and up stairs, the quieter the crowd got. Eventually, only clanging armor and heavy footsteps echoed as the guards escorted them.
They halted rather abruptly and Oliver ushered them into a small room. “I’ll be joining you in a moment.” Lucius made sure to lock the door behind him anyways; to be cautious. He glanced around the room. There were shelves full of scrolls, and a few desks for scribes to copy texts. He pulled out a chair for his mother to rest in and helped her to sit. She hadn’t stopped trembling, but neither did she let her fear show. Lucius smiled softly and squeezed her hand.
Oliver’s hushed tones drifted through the door. As they waited, unsure what to do, fatigue began to creep through Lucius’ coursing adrenaline. Then the door shook, and he jumped. Maybe he wasn’t completely to his senses yet. “Your majesty, it’s me-” Lucius let him in, locked the door again, and then returned to his mother’s side. The soldier stood against the door, his eyes scanning the two. “No injuries? Just-” he glanced at the queen’s pale face, “shock?”
“No injuries. How’s it look outside?” There had been so much going on, and there was no way to tell what exactly had happened. There was at least one assassin, a woman with red hair, but they wouldn’t know the extent of the threat for quite some time. Lucius was beginning to develop quite the headache.
Oliver seemed to sense this and strode across the room, pulling out another chair for Lucius. He returned to his post at the door while the king sat. “Directly outside, there are several men staged at the end of this hall, and several around the corner. There is only one way to access this hallway. You’ll be safe here.” He kept speaking, despite the queen’s withering glare. “We spotted one assassin at the back of the crowd. A woman, with red hair. By now the city should be shut down and everyone on the lookout. With any luck, she’ll try to leave and we’ll have her in the hour. Without luck, she’d have the good senses to hide. It could be a long wait.”
“With any luck you’d have taken my advice and been more cautious.”
Oliver stared at Deanna. “I beg your pardon?”
The queen’s fiery gaze fell upon Lucius. “I told Jaque, mother. Obviously.” He explained, reaching out to give her hand a comforting squeeze. “I know it seemed like I didn’t take you seriously, but I did think to tell him your complaints.” In truth, Lucius hadn’t believed a word that she said. He only told Jaque out of a sense of obligation to appeasing his poor mother’s worries. Mothers, as it turns out, always know best. Lucius could only wish he had taken her seriously. Still, despite how much he had adamantly disagreed that he was in danger, a small part of him had remained uneasy. The seed of doubt his mother had sewn was unrelenting, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. A loud noise would send tension shooting through his body; a quick movement would cause a flinch. He would have to force himself to relax, annoyed. But it was the paranoia that ended up saving his life. Lucius squeezed her hand again and nodded thoughtfully. “Your warning set me on edge. Thank you.”
“I wish I had been wrong.” She was smiling at him, but her voice was laced with sorrow. After a moment of silence, she straightened. Their guard was still standing by the door, his expression revealing nothing, but inevitably curious. Mom’s name looked at Lucius questioningly, and he gave her a nod.
Oliver had been on his personal guard for 15 years. His loyalty was unwavering, and his friendship steady. “She predicted the attempt,” Lucius began. When Oliver said nothing, he continued. “She was worried my life was in danger because she thinks that my father was poisoned. If someone was trying to get him out of the way, removing me would be the next logical step.” The queen was nodding solemnly, her face grave. Lucius sighed. “Obviously, she was right about the danger.”
“And therefore right about King Ignes,” Oliver added. “If, and I’m not saying that this is completely true, but if she’s right about someone attempting to assassinate both of you, what does that mean?”
Both Oliver and Deanna looked to Lucius for an answer. He tried not to let his composure slide, but couldn’t help the waver in his voice. “War.” "
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Let me know what you think! Does it flow well? Do you understand? I want you to have questions about the story so you keep reading, but I hope I'm causing you to ask the right questions. So, let me know, what sort of questions this small scene gives you!
Thanks guysss
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Nice job! I don't have much time, so I just scanned over it… but I guess the questions I have right now is like, is Lucius a prince? And is his Mom the queen?
(As for your previous comment, yeah, I'm still in high school, I mean, I could have graduated last year, but I wanted to go at my own pace, ya know?) I plan on going to college this fall, (I already got accepted into BYU Idaho!) And I want to go on a mission, and I plan on studying to become a librarian, or maybe something music/singing related? Idk.
I think your AEs were Grasshopper and KitKat? I think? It's been way too long… XD But for me, some things are just hard to let go of, ya know?
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Lucius is the son of a queen, but not a prince! I haven't revealed that bit yet tho… but anyways you did pretty much guess right! Which is exactly what I was going for. In my first couple of drafts I went into details explaning everything, but now I feel like I'm doing a better job showing that.
Thank you SO mcuh for reminding me of my AE's! I remember grasshopper! And Kitkat, oohhh ma golly. Grasshopper was like a super annoying person, but I picture him in my head as a tall, green, kinda hot anime character. And Kitkat was my more violent side, and very sassy. We loved her.
And I totally get going at your own pace, that's totally fine! It also gives you more time to think about where to go to school. Congrats on BYU! I almost went to the University of Idaho; we would have been… about 9 hours apart haha. I ended up choosing Biola University, which is a Christian university in California. Supperr excited about it (even though campus is closed this semester. I find out tomorrow if I can go back to campus in the spring or not! Fingers crossed.)
Have fun choosing what you want to do! I've always known I wanted to do music performance since freshman year in high school… but lots of people like to keep their options open, and I think that is a wonderfully smart thing to do. I'm a bit limited, but hopefully it will work out!
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Wowww this is really great! I totally got the plot, though there were a few moments where I had to stop and reread something because I was a bit confused. Sooo Lucius is a prince (i think??) and his mom is definetley a queen, someone (a woman with red hair) tried to assasinate Lucius or his mom, and they were led to saftey by the guard named Oliver who is also a close friend; they speculate that whoever did this also poisoned the king (this part was the most confusing) and they declare war. That's what I got from this part, I hope I interpreted it all right 🙂 Anways good job Jazzy, can't wait for more!
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