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Hi! Sorry it took me so long to make this. Hopefully you would still like to talk?
How has everything been? I’ve been doing alright, personally. Working on a new story with Writing, and busy with school. I do cross country, and my team is doing great! We’re champions in our area. I’ve also been working on a new idea I had for a musical. I’m busy as usual, but find leisure in writing and have been trying to use it to rest, like you say.
I am excited to talk to you! You always have such wonderful ideas.
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I’ll post more later but i want to get this out – sorry this took so long – Peri!! I’ve missed you!!
Continuing on resting: i think the important thing is that you’re not thinking hard. But it could be different for you.
One thing to start with: it’s almost Halloween and i can’t wait (but Halloween is all year, ofc); is it just me or have all the holidays been starting extra really early actually?
oh i’ll expand there – i don’t really like seasonal stuff, but there are things that are seasonal that I love (Nutcracker and Halloween and ghosts and vampires). or, i guess i like seasonal things, i just don’t always love the way they’re implemented. i also don’t love change or decorations changing. and i don’t get why you’d want to have large amounts of things that you only use during one season. a few special things, i get, but it seems like they make a lot of very seasonal specific stuff that most people don’t use all year. i have a lot of thoughts on overconsumption or materialism or consumerism, if you’re interested.
oh but also, now most of my clothes are thrifted! My old ones were all way too worn out and stretched out so i had to get more. (I tend to wear the same things over and over.) i finally mostly have everything i need and am happy, except then I lost my absolute favorite button down shirt *cries* I’m getting ready to start looking for another again (i mean, i have multiple, but most are a bit “meh” and that one was perfect) i’m really really sad. I’m probably making it sound like i have a “fashion sense”. I don’t. I enjoy designing outfits for characters, but not myself very much. does this deserve to be in the first post? probably not, but it is slightly more than tangentially related.
also, i definitely want you to say if you disagree with me on anything; i want to have as many perspectives on issues as i can. even if i strongly disagree with you, i’ll consider your opinion, and won’t hold it against you. i don’t know if i have the best track record on that, but eh. i guess: I never want to close myself off from opinions, or, i always want to be willing to re-evaluate. plus, i trust you anyway that you’re a good person XD but even if i didn’t.
okay first post!
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i’ve posted several times after this and it hasn’t shown up… odd. let’s see if this works
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The holiday thing makes sense, yeah. I personally feel like I struggle to get into the “spirit” for most holidays? I don’t really know how to describe it better. And I have to agree on the consumption note. I always feel icky about buying Halloween costumes I will never wear again (so I usually make all of my costumes out of clothes I already own or borrow old costumes from friends), for example. I would love to hear your thoughts on overconsumption! I think about it ALL THE TIME, actually! Like, every time I’m out shopping (my sister is a bit of what they call a ‘shopaholic’ so I go to a lot of stores with her, even though I don’t usually buy anything).
I love thrifting and it actually totally ties into the overconsumption thing for me. Whenever I go into a big store nowadays, I feel almost grossed out at the sheer amount of clothing. The world already has plenty of clothes, and lots of perfectly usable clothes are causing unnecessary pollution — yet we still make more. I won’t say I never buy new, unthrifted clothes, and I think it’s at least a little more ethical to buy clothes from small businesses and not big brands, but I try to thrift whenever I can. Big brands also tend to exploit their workers. There’s a quote I like: “Fast fashion is not free. Someone, somewhere, is paying.” What are your thoughts on all of this? I think it’s really cool that most of your wardrobe is thrifted, and I hope to achieve that someday too.
I also just find thrifting fun, to be honest. Going shopping for new clothes was always something I dreaded until I started thrifting because it’s like an awesome treasure hunt. It makes me feel more confident in my wardrobe. Oh, and I love button-ups too! Writing says I’m always wearing them, haha.
Ditto on the disagreeing thing! I think we mostly have a lot in common in how we think. Actually, you specifically have definitely helped me develop some opinions on the world. So I will always listen to your ideas even if we do not agree.
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hope i didn’t lead you astray on the opinions thing XD
and a very large percent of what i wear is shirt, button down, pants. whatever is the least dysphoric, really. i like the idea of fashion, but i’ll have to wait until i’m routinely seen as a boy. am i a boy? who knows! but it’d much rather be seen as one. at the very least, more physically, more of that. i mean, i think i am a boy. just like. a boy but not. it’s like – i’d be okay being seen as a very feminine guy. i just like xenogenders, honestly. most of the genders are really more in a xenogender way, even if it’s like girl/boy?
i wish i could just be a boy… i hate it because i am one, i know i am, and yet i can’t be. or i probably could be but i just – it involves too much parental involvement and my mom wants to be supportive but it just ends up the same as everything else which is… i don’t know but i’m not stupid enough to talk to her about anything that’s important to me. (usually) it’s just – the most i’ll be seen as is “girl who thinks she’s a boy”. i feel insane for even caring. but i generally feel insane.
uhh and i’ll post more on thrifting and such later
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I’m sorry to hear about your dysphoria. I get a lot of what you’re saying. I’ve been questioning my gender too, and it’s… weird. Xenogenders don’t really resonate with me, but neither does anything else. I’m just me, you know?
I know it probably doesn’t help, but I don’t see you as a girl at all and I literally never have. I think a lot of your ideas about gender are super interesting, and I’m sorry you’re feeling out of place. I hope you feel better soon.
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thanks Peri :3 (just pretend there are vampire fangs on the :3)
Here’s my advice for gender: just play around with it, and don’t worry too much. If you can without negative consequences, you could experiment with presentation. That’s the main thing; gender identity is cool, but it doesn’t have to be important, if nothing fits. You don’t even have to think about it at all if you want – you can just be yourself. Of course, other people will put a gendered lens onto you; are you comfortable with that? That’s one thing to consider. Maybe you’d rather be more masc or fem or both or kind of in between or neither or an entirely separate thing. how does it feel to be seen as a cisgender (your assigned gender at birth)? What about other options? If you don’t mind being seen as it, it doesn’t mean you have to stop exploring. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having weird, complex, or contradictory genders, and I think cis or not-really-trans people playing around with gender is awesome! My concern is only that… honestly, it can be kind of harsh out there, being noticeably queer. And idk, i just don’t want you to get beaten down too. it’s completely messed everything up for me. I used to be fairly confident in who i was; now i still am, because it’s just – i am that, i just am, even if it’s complex and weird and nobody else probably understands or they think it’s crazy, and i still i am, i just hate myself for it. So just think: what do you get out of thinking about this? If it feels important to you, if you have dysphoria, if just being yourself feels inadequate because you can’t be yourself as a (your AGAB here), if you are just very compelled to think about it, etc, i can suggest some more things. If you are in a VERY safe environment (and/or very self-confident, but in a healthy way “i know who i am and can trust myself” and not a “grasping for what little control you have because nobody can control your thoughts, they can just hurt you for them” way), this may apply less. Regardless of your gender identity, if it’s safe for you to do so (emphasis on the the “if it’s safe for you to do so”), there’s no harm in playing around with it! Cis people can question too. Each binary gender can mean as many things as you like, and you can be one and not really fit the stereotype, you can be cis and use uncommon pronouns, gender can be whatever you want – but sometimes it’s just wrong, and that’s fine too. I think this sounds like i’m trying to say you’re not trans; I’m not. I have no say in that matter. You are the sole determiner of your gender identity. I just… want you to take it slowly, and cautiously, and not get beaten down like far too many have. On that delightful note, have fun with it – there’s few things like gender euphoria, especially for the eternally dysphoric. I’d be happy to test any pronouns or identities or anything, and you can always say “i’m thinking so and so but not sure” or anything similar. If you have dysphoria or similar that’s making things harder, you may want to take more decisive steps to lessen that, however. there definitely are some labels for “just feeling like yourself” if you want that, but the labels aren’t really that important (even for xenogenders! I don’t actually have a ton of collected or named ones, i just kind of know.)
On which note… i wish i could experiment with more feminine presentation. I probably strictly can. The problem is that I cannot be a true boy along with that. i’m kind of scared to care about my appearance at all, honestly. I’ve become very hyperaware of the gendered connotations of tiny things that don’t matter at all. I can (and do!) get paralyzed over choosing a pen color in case it proves that i’m not actually a boy. (i think i am a boy, but it’s kind of my own definition and mixed with other things. idk. i don’t get normal genders.) It’s very ridiculous.
I don’t really get “in the spirit” for holidays either. There are parts of them that I like that I like all year. I love Halloween though! I’m going to make bread shaped like a gravestone for Giselle (the ballet), and I’m going to make cupcakes and decorate them with icing to look like spiderwebs or ghosts. And i’m going to make another gravestone out of cardboard, write “GISELLE” on it (maybe with a “cause of death” or something, and put a blanket around it to look like a cape and find a way to get or make lilies. And my pumpkin is going to be Cinderella’s carriage from the ballet. (ROH’s current production) maybe i’ll find or make a broom and tie a shawl around it (also for Cinderella). I am very sad that Halloween is over, but very happy because now I can go to the after-Halloween sales! Idk if i’ll actually get anything, but maybe *shrugs* Last year I got a mug with ghosts on it. Then the handle got broken. It’s now my pen cup! I have like three separate pen cups because of broken mugs that I was attached to XD
Not all of my wardrobe is thrifted, but most of the new things, and certainly those that I had input in buying. I also like thrifting because for some reason, there are a lot more clothes that fit me. If you go to a new store all of it’s too big. I’m fairly short, ig. That’s a great quote btw! I can’t stand it when people talk about sustainable and slow fashion being “elitist” and therefore bad like people are not being horribly exploited. it’s a very consumerist view of slow fashion anyway. It is not about buying clothes at all. It’s about buying as few clothes as possible and making them last (and washing on cold, using less detergent, and air drying also all save money.) I hate clothes shopping in general though. Thrifting is definitely more fun, but it’s still too much dysphoria. Also the clothes fit better for some reason. (I’m 5’2 and fairly small) I’m not super “fashionable” anyway, though.
Also: New clothes are such bad quality! Like, I have an old kids sweatshirt I kept that is perfectly fine, but all of the new clothes are all polyester, maybe poly/rayon, thin cotton/poly, and generally just really bad quality and they wear out way too quickly.
I don’t get the fun of buying a Halloween costume tbh – i think it’s all about making them! So i agree. I forgot to make a costume this year 🙁
It is ultimately better to buy from smaller brands than bigger ones. For instance, large companies can end up with a monopoly, or near one. For instance, a lot of large tech companies (and there aren’t really small ones, you’ll notice) end up making it so that there’s no option to repair their products – they don’t sell the parts, or you have to go to a licensed repair shop, and there are things like “if you repair it yourself your warranty expires”. Since there are no other options, they can get away with this. I do think it’s important to note that production circumstances may not be better in small businesses – it may still be similar factories, and since most of the environmental cost of an item is in production. The best option is ultimately just to not buy. But, on the other hand, it’s also good to support small businesses, so they still exist. So it is inherently better, and many small businesses use more ethical methods, and really, no small business has the means to be as bad as like, Amazon XD
If you want to know how much of a monopoly Amazon is, just look at all the things that it owns. Even certain platforms for book discussion, if I’m correct. Or look at food companies. Independent companies that are not attached to a larger company (such as General Mills) are very uncommon. Most get bought eventually. If you look at the list of independent food companies, they change very quickly. I love Nature’s Path oatmeal and cereal – I actually wrote them a letter pitching a “product idea” for one of their animal-themed cereals a long time ago and they wrote back and were super nice and so i’m very emotionally attached. Plus i love their cereals and oatmeal, and the boxes are fun. Okay this is turning into an ad and i hate ads deeply, but anyway. Actually idk if it’s an ad. Ads are… terrifying. Because they work even if you don’t think they do. It’s basically a science and it’s not a good one.
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oh but also regarding gender, don’t be afraid to think of yourself in a certain way. i think some of what i said could come across as encouraging you to not be yourself, out of caution. but, even if you couldn’t actually come out or anything like that, you yourself can always think of yourself as whatever you like. Just because people see you as a (gender) does not mean you are. Only you can say what gender you are. you could always think of yourself as a (gender), or use the pronouns you prefer for yourself in your head. or just find little things that make you feel like yourself. nobody can control how you think of yourself in your own mind (or journal or similar). and if something makes you feel more like yourself or a gender you think you may be, that’s a good thing to do (like, if thinking of “book, by (your name)”, there’s no reason not to use a name that you like, deadname or not, certain about it or not). i also don’t want you to lose sight of who you are. pushing things down doesn’t actually make it go away, it just makes it more unpleasant.
it’s highly likely that i’m being overly cautious, and hope that’s so and you have more of an ability to try things out though 😀 don’t worry too much about being right; you have your whole life to figure it out. and obviously you don’t have to figure it out if you don’t want to. it only has to matter if you want it to (or if it’s forcing itself to). i’m saying this because i think sometimes people put a lot of pressure on themselves to figure things out, but really, it should be an enjoyable process, not a source of stress. i don’t want to encourage you not to look into it, or to look into it more than you want to. go at your own pace, whatever that may be, fast or slow. both are equally good.
i don’t actually know if you were requesting advice and think you might not have been, sorry if that is the case. i feel like i’m making this sound scarier than it is.
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Sorry it took me so long to get back to this! I often find myself with only time to make one post here, and I didn’t have time to respond to you last time I was here.
Thanks for the advice as to gender! I think I do experience dysphoria, and have been for years, but only recently realized that’s what it was I was feeling. I don’t really mind being seen as cis, but at the same time it feels like an… incomplete statement? Not necessarily inaccurate, but not all of the facts either, if that makes sense. I’ve experienced gender euphoria that’s associated with my assigned gender at birth, but I’ve also experienced euphoria that relates more to masculinity and being perceived as a boy. I like it when people ask me what my gender is, or “mistake” me for a boy, as well. I haven’t really talked about it with anyone irl except for a few friends, and I’m trying not to rush into figuring it out. But I would love to keep discussing it with you and hear your thoughts on it. You have such lovely ideas about gender. The one quote I try to keep reminding myself of is “there is still time.” I often feel as if I’m already too late in questioning — but I’m not! I can do whatever, whenever. That’s the beauty of it, I think.
Your Halloween plans sound cool! How was your Halloween?
Yeah, I still like supporting small businesses, but I don’t always purchase clothes; like, if I enjoy a print on a t-shirt, but I know I really don’t need a new t-shirt, I might see if the shop has that same print on a sticker or something. Amazon truly is insane. They do own a book discussion platform, among so many other things. It’s absurd. I hate companies that own companies that own companies! So confusing!
Uhhh yeah! I’ve been working on programs for the LGBTQIA+ club at my school. It has been going nicely. We had a campaign in October for LGBTQ History Month, and that went pretty well. I am told I am doing great things for the club, helping it really get actual projects off the ground. It makes me very proud and I wanted to share!
That’s about it for now. I’m having so much fun talking to you! <3
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Regarding “late in questioning” – not at all. In the past, people would have to actually like, go and meet someone to even know that was a thing that would happen. Queer people still existed – Tchaikovsky was gay! – they just tended to have major mental health issues and wonder what was wrong with them. As did Tchaikovsky. Poor guy. (Though his relationship with his mother was also like… not okay, from how it sounds.) Schubert apparently was gay also!! Two of my favorite composers! Both mentally ill! Maybe that’s why i connect to their music so much!
I love that it’s possible for people to be openly queer earlier now, but on the other hand, it does lead to feeling like you have to know everything too early. Lots of people only come out very late in life, sixties and beyond. I try to remember that most people could only transition in adulthood, and they had to be even more careful to pass. It doesn’t make the time leading until then less miserable though. There is tons of time. Just look at all the ways people have managed to communicate in times past, all the symbols.
One thing you could look into, should you desire, is being multigender. It’s totally possible to be both. I probably am. I’m not sure if i’m really a girl or just a boy in a feminine way, though. Probably more the latter. I’m definitely multigender. Idk, for me, really it’s mostly xenos. Legitimately i forget that i’m not seen as a boy. I even forget what my body looks like. Other things come into that, admittedly. if you are not sure if you are anything yet, that’s fair also. if you want to start presenting a different way, don’t wait until you’re sure of an identity to do so. wait until it’s safe and you’re comfortable doing so – which hopefully won’t be a wait!
Another thought is thinking about what you like on you vs on other people. Like, would you actually want to wear it, or do you just like how it looks? Pay attention to that. Though it can be deceiving. Like i think “no, i wouldn’t actually want to wear (thing)” but no i entirely want to wear (thing) i just don’t think i can.
how much does it matter to you if other people see all the facts? It sounds like you might want to have more of a masculine presentation. Is that true? Are there things you could experiment with? It sounds like you might have at least somewhat of a supportive community. I really, really hope so.
Do you have any specific questions or concerns? I could give you some things to think about.
Halloween was fine. I didn’t do much sadly. I wish I had gone trick-or-treating… how was yours?
You have a LGBTQIA+ Club?! That’s amazing :0 what do you do? What sort of campaigning is needed? Generally, tell me about it! I wish i knew any queer people irl 🙁 of course, i don’t really know any people irl.
What are you writing lately? And the musical! Cool!
The main things i’ve been working on lately are redoing LotS but different, and another story that i like the world and characters of. It’s kind of a contrast between two worlds, though i’m not sure what the plot is yet. LotS is drastically different now. Now the library is in a magical forest, and Hideto and Reshinerr ran away from their town, which is hidden away inside the forest inside a wall that keeps that magic away, and found the library. Well, Hideto ran away, then Reshinerr found/made a portal. Different timelines; Hideto has been living in the forest for a while. Everything about it is better now and it’s much easier to have the characters be themselves. I’m also changing Reshinerr’s name. Now Noa (short for Kanoa, a Hawaiian name; i’ve decided on him being primarily Japanese and Hawaiian but having a few other things in there, which is common in Hawaii) is probably his deadname, but he’s going to change it. To what i’m not entirely sure… possibly Bergamot or Ginkgo. His special interest is now trees and the forest, though he still loves his stuffies. i just reread what i have written and the structure is there but the writing needs intense work. But i’m going to get anything written first. I’ll probably talk more about this and the other book later. It’s very weird because i’m not great at talking and stuff irl, but i’m pretty good at typing, but even that can be… idk. it’s just weird to be able to write all of this but then i have meltdowns because i can’t communicate what i’m trying to say… logically i could type them but by the time i think of that i’m stressed and probably can’t… there’s just too many different pieces ig. i love this place because it does not matter! that’s tangentially related ig, because Reshinerr (or whoever) is autistic. it’s a bit of an issue plotting wise. also because logically all of it would be too much change and he’d be having meltdowns constantly but things have to happen. and other things too. anyway Hideto is also great. Actually it’s funny because he’s very irresponsible, defensive, irritable, impulsive, etc, and Reshinerr (or whoever) is very – like, he’s very routine-y and tends to shut down more. He’s generally pretty emotionally stable whenever Hideto wouldn’t be, and Hideto is emotionally stable when Reshinerr wouldn’t be, and in many ways they balance each other out. plus they build worlds and stories together; Hideto writes and does culture-based worldbuilding, and Reshinerr draws and helps make the ecosystems. and the forest is really cool. It’s magical, and there are real and unreal parts. unreality is basically magic; it’s malleable and never quite the same. And it turns out that Reshinerr has basically believed he wasn’t really real long enough that it became true and so he’s largely unreal. i probably am over-rambling sorry.
uhh idk what else to write. I’m watching Royal Opera House’s 2018 Swan Lake. I love the third act. Vadim Muntagirov is the absolute best. Marianela Nuñez as Odile also. I don’t love her Odette, but of course, “bad for Marianela Nuñez” is “absolutely fantastic”.
What has happened lately that is interesting? or other environmental issues you care about or something?
i always get nervous before posting things lately… but here *posts*