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I honestly really like the idea of calling myself multigender. I’m not sure I will yet, but I consider the label a lot. Or maybe genderfluid because I don’t feel like both all of the time. Most of the time I don’t really feel like anything at all; I don’t know if that’s normal. Sometimes being called “she” feels wrong, but I don’t know that “he” suits me either. I think they all feel wrong sometimes, and right other times. I really appreciate you listening to me about this, and for sharing your ideas. To answer your question about masculine gender presentation – I actually have gotten to try it a little! I have found that wearing ties makes me very happy, and I have short hair and sometimes like to style it in more masculine or more feminine ways. I love the idea that I can have both boyhood and girlhood – and anything else beyond the binary that may suit me. I love not having to choose one!
Halloween was okay for me! I went to a LGBTQ, witch-themed night market with my friend.
I am now officially the president of LGBTQ club and it is going great! Our LGBTQ history month campaign was used to spread the word about important queer figures throughout history. Our next project is to create an art zine for queer teens in our area. I am happy to tell you anything you want to know about LGBTQ club!
Lately I’ve mostly been working on stories about my AEs and Writing’s AEs. It’s a lot of fun. The two AEs I am most focused on at this moment are Calla and Quinn, but there’s a whole little “family” of AEs. Calla was known during my time on the CB as Callum (and you and I actually did a roleplay that featured Callum, which you may recall?) but I recently realized it makes a lot more sense for Calla to be a trans girl. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like she told me she was a trans girl, so I decided to just embrace it. A lot of her story has been a lot happier since I started writing her as a girl and not as a boy. It’s just easier to imagine her happy as a girl. Anyway, mostly I just have been writing small, slice-of-life stories about my AEs. I used to write sadder things, but lately I find myself enjoying cozy, happy stories.
Woah! Library of the Stars sounds so cool. I really think you have a fantastic voice and should try to get published. You’re so insanely talented as a writer and you have such unique, inspiring ideas. Keep me posted on LotS! I think you’re a great writer, and I understand having a harder time communicating offline. But you’re so brilliant! Don’t forget it!
I’m so sorry but I have to go now ack but uhhh yeah *posts*
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Trying to get your post to appear in the right place, Periwinkle… Hoping a comment from Admin will do it.
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WHAT a LGBTQIA+ witch-themed market?? Wow. that’s amazing. Like so so cool :0 and i can’t believe you’re club president! But you deserve it! Regarding the club: how many people are there? Are they mostly LGBT or are some cishet? What do you spend time discussing?
Genderfluidity could definitely make it hard to see what fits. I have a similar issue. Some people use multiple names or multiple pronouns; would you be interested in that sort of thing? I’m not actually sure how that sort of thing works practically but it sounds awesome. Genderflux is another one if the genders are the same but the intensity varies. It sounds like you’re okay w/ label suggestions; let me know if not. Ties are cool! Do you want to wear them more often? Or you could consider what you like about them. Maybe you like formal clothes, for instance. Do you think you have a “primary” gender (example being if you’re more of a boy than a girl, or a boy who is feminine, or a (gender) who is also a (gender))? Are they equal? Are they separate or combined into one gender? Things you could consider.
I don’t know if not feeling like anything is “normal”; i think that you have to decide how much that matters and if you want to be seen in a certain way. Like: do you just not think about it? Or do you think about and not feel like anything? I don’t think cishet people think about gender that much, usually. if you are, maybe something’s not working, regardless of actual gender. it seems like it feels significant. Something to consider could be whether it’s more neutral, or an absence of gender, or a “something else”. Or is it related to not fitting stereotypes or “models” of gender? Like if you don’t think you can be a (gender) or feel ashamed of feeling like a (gender) and you push it down.
For pronouns… no good advice here. Many approaches. “Which one projects how i want to be seen” is what i’m going with; “which one feels best regardless of connotations” is another. You can use multiple ofc. one will probably get used rather than the other. Pronouns are hard bc they depend on other people practically. Though not in your head. They can’t control that. Possibly too much to think about, but maybe something in here is helpful.
Also, zine! I guess I’m working on one! Kind of! I have a magazine idea that i hope to make… idk, i guess whenever i am able to be more myself. My thought was college but idk if any of that will work out for that… but i think it might in some way??? idk. but the framing is that it’s a fantasy world (or place in between worlds; might end up being more sci fi, still thinking) and there’s a cafe where thinkers and creatives gather, and so there’s articles on various subjects – a cafe of thoughts, like a commonplace book. Lots of articles about various forms of sustainability, certainly. I’m still planning a lot out. hopefully i can get local artists to do some of the art and have creativity stuff. College will be for viola, so it’ll be an artsy college, so that should work. I might also have things about music. I’m debating how to tie it all together. I might make a smaller one first, on a more specific subject, which will also come into the future one, but idk. I’m writing some articles though. i don’t have a great plan for how to actually make it.
I love character gender stuff. Reshinerr/Noa (I’m thinking Bergamot for a new name?? But really not sure) is very… he’s very closeted and very confused and ashamed. Not very good at hiding it though XD he’s probably multigender – feels like a boy, but a queer and feminine one, and is also quite feminine and “other”. Hideto is a trans guy. he’s also ashamed and very stealth and defensive about it if it comes up, because he assumes he will have to fight to be himself. He’s also just… him. Well, both are also just… them XD
And yes, i remember Callum! And cozy happy things – fun! I mix happy, cozy, horror, and mentally ill heh. I either like horror or things more like LotS. or both! I love ghosts, shadow people, and vampires in particular.
Thank you for the encouragement!! Like a lot! You’re way too nice XD I really don’t know if there is an audience. In any way. Especially LotS. Like – is it YA? Adult? niether… A lot of my books are kind of in between YA and MG – like MG, but darker and more verbose. this one’s just kind of… i don’t even know how any marketing would work. And then there’s that the characters are very… well i guess it’s a “diverse book” but it’s not specifically about that, that just comes in. perhaps too much. and maybe too many different things, and too heavy on each of them. And lots of stuff. But maybe i’ll self publish it someday… i do think it will get finished, regardless of quality.
Can i post a little? You don’t have to critique it or anything (though if you want to i’d be more than honored to hear any and all critiques – i’m a violist, i can take it, i love nitpicking – well sometimes i hate it but it’s good for me, and i really do love it for viola) but i just want to post it XD i’ll have to figure out what can be posted. Maybe i’ll post some of the other book. I’m curious what you’ll think – i’ve struggled with how to impart all the needed information. The whole thing isn’t epistolary, but that is worked in. I’m really curious what you’d think. Actually, i won’t describe it, and then we’ll see if it makes any sense whatsoever! I don’t know if it will! I have to edit a lot of things first though XD
okay *posts*
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just topping. whenever you are ready i am very interested to continue our conversation! i have always looked up to you and still can’t believe we have a chat thread heh
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Whew! I have had an incredibly busy month, but I am on winter break now and hopefully will have more time and energy to post these next few weeks. I look up to you and am really enjoying our conversation as well! I think you are really just very smart.
I think I like the idea of having multiple sets of pronouns in theory, but I’m not sure if I’d like it in practice. I always seem to forget genderflux is an option, but maybe it would suit me… it’s honestly somewhat intimidating to think about. I don’t know if there is a “primary” gender because most of the time I don’t feel much of a gender at all.
Your zine sounds awesome! I personally have made zines using Photoshop, but that is expensive (I have free access through my school). Canva is a free option that I have also used. Please keep me updated on it!
Character gender stuff is so much fun. Calla is a lot easier to write as a girl rather than a boy; it’s as if she is more open with me now. One of my other AEs/characters is Quinn, who is genderfluid/non-binary and that’s a lot of fun to explore too. In some ways I explore my own gender through the characters, if that makes any sense.
Sure, you can post some! I’d love to see how the story has changed since I have last read it.
I hope you have had a nice holiday. I celebrate Christmas, and I got some nice presents, including an awesome new four-sided vinyl for my record player — the vinyl itself is light blue which is really cool!
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Took me longer to respond than it should have, sorry. Must make the most of the time you’re not busy! Make sure to pace yourself! when you get tired let your mind wander intentionally, like let it go blank for a bit. you can also look into ultranian rhythms.
In practice, multiple sets of pronouns is difficult, yes. Probably one will get used, and it’ll probably be the one associated with your AGAB even if you don’t use that pronoun. I very much wish it was easier. We can use it here though, ofc.
Honestly my current thought of how I’m going to put my zine together is just using online tools for cropping and putting it together in LibreOffice
XDEspecially because I’m just going to print it, staple it, and maybe put a binding on. I also definitely don’t want to spend money to make it. Plus i’m going to use post consumer waste paper so it might be more expensive to make, and i haven’t figured out if i’ll have a small fee for it to fund it (and associated activism i’m planning, such as pressuring the school to serve primarily or only plant-based food, setting up free dryer racks in the dorms i won’t live in sadly, and having a food pantry that we stock with plant-based foods and recipes. if you have any ideas let me know. maybe some sort of pollinator garden that also grows some of the produce for the school? I’m also wondering how I can minimize the waste from it… it is a lot of paper. Maybe smaller sheets? Probably higher expense but idk that for sure.I’ve decided to do a sci fi world. Still not sure how it’ll come in, beyond a running story. There is the issue of making a world that’s detailed enough for things to happen but that won’t be confusing to jump into. I’ve already started writing articles; i want to be ready to print as soon as I can distribute. I’m also planning to put more focus into my art and backgrounds in particular so i’m more ready to illustrate it.
One thing that will be very important to the magazine is dispelling things like all or nothing thinking. Often people go “i can’t do the absolute best possible thing, so i can’t do anything”. Like “I don’t have the money to buy all sustainable brands, so i have nothing to do.” Whereas really, it’s equally about how you maintain your clothes – you can get a drying rack and wash on cold with less detergent (also saves money). You might be able to thrift some of your wardrobe. You can do minor repairs. I also think that’s part of the issue where people assume sustainability is bought and expensive, whereas in reality it is more often not buying things. Basically the same consumerist thinking as always. When given the choice between doing something and nothing, choose something! Especially bc nothing generally still causes harm, it’s just normalized!
A lot of my characters are pretty closeted. Noa especially. (I actually like the name Noa… especially the way i say it in my head, with the slight Japanese accent – it’s not really a Japanese name but i don’t think it’s uncommon as a Japanese American name since it’s easy for both languages) He’s kind of just confused and ashamed but doesn’t know why he’s ashamed or why any of it matters or what he’s even doing wrong. He’s the best in every way. Hideto is like… he is very forceful about it because he assumes he will never be able to be himself and has to fight for it. Risto (from another book) is somewhere in between. he’s not super ashamed of it but feels like he has to prove that he’s really a boy. Perrin from the same book has been more generally accepted in that regard so ey finds it rather unremarkable. Pigeon (from another book) is somewhat like Hideto in that he thinks he’ll have to fight for it, but more in a stubborn way than an explosive one. Tev just kind of pushes it down; ver whole thing is that ve ends up changing virself to the situation and doing what ve must to survive, constantly vigilant, and always feels like ve’s bartering for something ve doesn’t know what it is, or performing for it. i get the feeling that ve’s somewhere in the “trans nonbinary girl” area though. maybe bigender actually… very likely trigender, nonbinary too. Also Meraud, who runs an apothecary and gathering place and roughly coffee shop in the forest in Library of the Stars is a binary trans woman. actually Risto’s brother… well he is kind of the “golden child” or always perfect, genius, does everything right, but what if he was actually also trans and just had to push it down to maintain the role of “perfect child” as compared to the wayward Risto? that would be interesting… i haven’t developed him (her?) a ton but i could very much see her (him?) as a girl. like you said character gender stuff is fun. I need to find Noa some xenogenders though. i have the basic ideas of what they’d be. i don’t really use any xenogender labels, i just kind of know what they are.
Hideto in the new version is much sharper (well, i had to tone him down for the CB). So the story (and the original is this minus the magic) is that he basically had to raise his sibling Keisuke because his mother is mildly incompetent (but just loving and competent enough that he always felt like he was just going insane and nothing was actually wrong) and like, generally had to take on too much, and frankly he was terrible at it and at the time also half didn’t care, and he just kind of assumes he’s a complete screw-up but also that it’s far preferable to be that because the alternative is to disappear and become a puppet. He’s very volatile generally. Anyway Keisuke somehow disappeared into the magical forest and died from magic. Hideto then ran away and has lived in the forest for a while, in particular after a bad coming out. Then Noa disappears into the forest via magic (which shouldn’t exist inside the wall that’s been made (of magic) to keep the magic out) and they meet. Then the plot is that after Noa disappears into the forest too, the town starts to look for them. And both of them are utterly terrified of that, but there’s also not a great other option because Noa needs more medical care (like me, he’s vaguely describable as immunodeficient and generally not in great health) and general life stuff (since he’s autistic) than is possible in the forest. (which does have a small community of largely-magical (unreal) people but not enough) and i don’t actually entirely know the conclusion… eventually they return to the library and build it up in further books.
New Year! I’m going to make a letter to my future self and do a review and make a plan for next year, especially in regards to practicing. Also I’m Japanese so New Year is a big thing. I think we have mochi rice so I can make mochi! And i found a vegan butter mochi recipe, or i could try to veganize our traditional one! (butter mochi is Hawaiian not Japanese, but we do it for New Year) we need the mochi for the ozoni soup, ofc. I love New Year. plus it’s a much less commercial holiday than many of them. Or at least i think; the only thing i can think that you buy for it is maybe mochi and food and maybe cards… I also need to make mochi today. There’s a mochi soup called ozoni that we need it for. we managed to get mochi rice last year. we don’t have enough people or the supplies to do a pounding, so we just make it in a stand mixer.
Here are some of the questions I have written for myself (I also took some from Hawkstar’s fun questionnaire that I intend to do). Some of them are fun (like “are you the most like the ocean, space, or an abyss?”) and some are more useful (“Something you’ve been doing that has increased productivity”) and some are more for thinking (“Debate on a concept you disagree with”) and some are trying to capture a snapshot of now (“what are you eating on repeat?” and “Describe five items in your immediate proximity”) – i’m having fun! Then there’s also a viola productivity review that i should probably do seasonally.
I’ll see what writing I have that is CB appropriate… a lot is probably too dark sadly. I’d love to read any of your stories with Calla and the others if you want to share also. *runs off to edit stuff*
i don’t entirely know if this is coherent so *posts and hopes for the best*