Chatterbox: Blab About Books

Does anyone here think that Breaking Dawn was a waste of space of the paper it was written on? That there was maybe one character worth reading about? That Bella is a giant Sue? If so, then join the mock thread! And so I give you: To Destroy a Sparklepire!

Host #1- I'm Annie!

Host #2- I'm Flynn!

Annie- In this newscast, we will be discussing ways to destroy the beloved Vampires of Twilight- Sparklepires. Flynn has never read Twilight. So Flynn, how would you destroy a Sparklepire?

Flynn-Pushing them into sunlight- that's a stupid answer, isn't it?

Annie-Kind of

Flynn- Kind of?

Annie- It makes them sparkle.

Flynn- What?

Annie- Sunlight. They sparkle in the sunlight.

Flynn- No bursting into flames?

Annie- ...no...

Flynn- Um, well then... garlic?

Annie- It'll make them kinda disgusted because it's human food and obviously beneath them,  but no.

Flynn- Stake to the heart?

Annie- I doubt that it would do more than annoy them.

Flynn- Mirrors! Are they in any way affected by mirrors?

Annie- Nope. Just for Edward to admire himself.

Flynn- I know! Holy symbols! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, DEMON!

Annie- ...no...

Flynn- Not even Holy water?

Annie-It'll just make them wet.

Flynn- Dang.

Annie- Give up?

Flynn- NO! They have to have one little weakness! How about cutting their heads off?

Annie- You'd think so, but..

Flynn- No?

Annie- No.

Flynn- But... you cut their heads off. Their heads...

Annie- Doesn't matter. They just put themselves back together again.

Flynn- *sniffle*

Annie- Are you crying?

Flynn- These guys are worse than the elves from flipping ERAGON, man!

Annie- Oh, come on, they aren't tha- Oh. Oh. Oh my. You're right...

*They are both silent for a moment*

Annie- Any other ideas?

Flynn- No. Nothing. Unless... does shooting them work?

Annie- No.

Flynn- Not even with silver bullets?

Annie- That's werewolves.

Flynn- Oh. Right. Then there's nothing else.

Annie- There's one other thing.

Flynn-...

Annie- It starts with an F and ends with ire.

Flynn- Fire...Fire is their weakness?

Annie- *nods*

Flynn- So you hit 'em with a match and they go up in flames?

Annie- No. No, not quite.

Flynn- You're...you're kidding, right?

Annie- *Shakes head* Also, if you lit them on fire, they could just put it out.

Flynn- You could put 'em in a burning building, tied up.

Annie- In theory. But the Sparklepires have super strength, super speed, super agility, super intelligence, and pretty much super everything. The only thing they can't do is fly, which they can simulate by running super fast. Plus they have the super (unexplained) powers...

Flynn- Is there anything about them that isn't Mary Sueish?\

Annie-Ummm... uh..er... no, not really. I mean, they're made of DIAMONDS.

Flynn- Diamonds?

Annie- Yep.

Flynn- Why do diamonds need to drink blood?

Annie- Why does Meyer sell any books?

Flynn- Nice. But seriously. DIAMONDS? She does know that diamonds break, right?

Annie- Really?

Flynn- Uh, yeah.Hard does not equal invincible.

Annie- Hammers. Hammers and fire.

Flynn- Against the biggest Sues and Stus to walk the earth.

Annie- And yet they are all still emo.

Flynn- Seriously, people! What the heck!

Annie- My sentiments exactly.

Flynn- No other ways to kill them, then, aside from hammers and fire?

Annie- None that I can think of.

Flynn- Oh, I know, I know, pick me!

Annie- I...pick...you?

Flynn- Anti sparkle Lotion!

Annie- Heck, that's genius!

Flynn- I know!

Annie- Anyway, thanks for visiting and have a good day. Better yet, come up with your own parody and add it to the Twilight Parody Central. Special thanks to Demetra for giving me the idea.