Oh, and I really do hope that I'm still friends with all my friends, and if I'm not, it's for a good reason, and that I can finally at least be decently as amazing to An as she is to me... truly, if I had to pick between An and R at this point, I'd pick An. Though oc yes, it would be so so awesome to have both of them, but, well it's just- An is so so amazing in so many ways and I'm so lucky to have her and I hope I still realize that in a year, and don't lose sight of it. I realized it so late and I feel so bad about it and everything I missed, so focused I was on other "'friends'?". :/  Especially since I contribute almost nothing to all our conversations and make her do almost all the work and all she gets in return is having to isolate from her other friends (my "friends"?) bc I like to self-isolate for some reason, and/or being ignored later on like I can't even say a simple "hi" or "good game" to her and just either avoid her or stare at her smiling awkwardly and mutter a noncommital "yeah" or (head) nod every once in a while - also partly bc I like to self-isolate: cuz I'm a bit paranoid of ppl who I like (not in a crush-y way, just for clarification :/ ppl who I feel are good people and who I would like to think of me as a good person and someone they like too) not liking me, and so I try to avoid them so they don't find reasons to not like me and then when they "avoid" me I try not to jump to conclusions but some bit of my brain is always just like "they prob (hate) me now, why else would they not talk to me??? Accept it and maybe it won't be so crushing" which is also so weird cuz I'm abnormally proud of myself (another hope: get way less cocky/proud of myself; it's really hard to do currently, bc even if I point out bad things about myself I feel proud that I have the awareness to point out bad things about myself and then I'm like ARGHH THIS IS HOPELESS and just give up and feel proud of myself cuz why not even if it's prob not healthy and is arrogant and that's why I get called a know-it-all by my dad and stuff, but I hope I can get better with that next time we check in) but anyway back to An. I hope she doesn't give up (on me) and I hope so so much I don't let her down. Or let her down more.

*sigh* rant over now, sorry. I hope I'm also better at saying everything I want to say in a shorter way XD (oc, it's been this way since watermelon seeds and second grade; I also hope I still remember the little memories: the seashell necklaces found on a bench abandoned at summer school, the time my preschool teacher babysat us and I jumped all over the couch, my brother standing at the big/long door side window and pointing and shouting "bu bu che! bu bu che!" (gardener's truck or construction truck or something like that), running on the hill at preschool, getting mad at my brother for slapping me/my BFF at preschool and hiding in that little house full of spiderwebs, how we all bonded over lava monster in 5th grade, my morning doggy plays with the 3rd graders and my bus rides with a 1st grader where she broke the awkward silence by pointing it out, also in 5th grade, my whole history in school of getting in trouble (I can name each incident with pretty amazing detailing (I hope accurately, though I've been wrong before), from the sub's name when I got in trouble in Kinder, to some of what the teacher said in her lecture to us in 1st grade the day after incident (there'd been a sub that day), that's how horrified I always was/always am at getting even close to in trouble XD), and even a bit of what a spoiled innocent self-centered brat I used to be while younger (I mean, I had good intentions... just not a great view of the world, from what I can remember :/). I really hope I can still say "do you remember when we made seashell necklaces on the beach?" to my BFF and be the only one who still remembers, bc she forgets each time, bc we both know it never truly happened. And I know that I'll still love stuffies and unicorns and dragons and fairies and Disney songs, and will absolutely hate makeup and nail polish, so nothing to worry about there! :)  unless there is... but we're not there yet.

I hope I can speak up to my family about how I don't like them touching me, even though it's for like no reason at all and is that even possible. I hope I'll be able to pull away without them reaching out again, hurt, telling me they just want to be affectionate to their daughter, what happened to that sweet little girl who used to love wearing dresses and doing her hair?

As if I'm not a sweet little girl anymore. Which I'm probably not. Now I'm just "why is my daughter so weird?", though I honestly take that as a compliment so it doesn't bother me too much

I hope I can tell them and they can understand that I'm still their affectionate daughter, they can still be affectionate to me, just in a different way. Is a different way really so hard? Most of my friends - the ones I've told at least - can respect that. I hope you'll be able to too. And you won't be hurt by it cuz that's not my intention and it's not my fault that I'm this way and that honestly just makes everything messy and stressful and everyone gets hurt.

sorry I'm full on ranting now. Done fr. Don't know how to end this without making it longer. Thanks everyone. I know it's late and I'm on the screen again but I just really need it rn. My friends were over for a playdate today (don't ever stop calling them that) and it was great and then... my dad suddenly needed to be affectionate. I can understand it. That doesn't mean I like it. Plus, I'm planning to sleep in extremely late late late tomorrow. Good night and sweet dreams to everyone! Love you all /p! And hope that never changes! <3333