Dilemma.I lo

Chatterbox: Chirp at Cricket

Dilemma.I lo


I love my brother so much. He’s my best friend (for context, we’re twins). And I very, very badly want him to join the CB. But in real life, I use different pronouns (she/her) than on here. Which is to say, I use they/faer pronouns on the CB because they’re comfy and just feel wonderful--but my brother (let’s call him Aether) doesn’t know that. I look up to him SO much, but I’m also scared that he’s going to think differently of me if he finds out. You see, I’ve never told anyone this before, but a long while ago, I tried to come out as nonbinary. I’m not sure how to describe why I felt nonbinary, or if I felt nonbinary at all—I just wanted to experiment with my gender. Which is normal (I...hope). So after Aether told me he was AroAce, I thought it was safe to tell him I was nonbinary. And he cried. And was angry with me. I tried to tell him it was a joke. And he didn’t believe me. So then I told Aether to just forget I said anything, and that’s how life was for awhile. It just went back to normal. But then, I told him again another time, and he was okay with it. Just sad, because...I guess he liked having a sister. So then I told him I wanted to come out to our parents, and...I honestly don’t remember what he said. Something like it was my choice and he’d love me no matter what. So...I came out. It was a disaster. I was so scared that when I told my parents, I broke down crying. Not because they would hurt me, or stop loving me, but just because I’d worked myself up so much. They couldn’t understand—and didn’t even think it was possible—for me to be a demigirl (she/they). They inquired why it was I felt this way, and was it because I “just didn’t feel girly,” and things like that. I couldn’t answer their questions, or even EXPLAIN what a demigirl was. Let me be clear about this—I am not in an abusive family whatsoever. In this situation, they were merely inquiring why I felt this way—and I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t explain that I just wanted to try something new. So they gave me an out—asking if I felt like this because I wasn’t girly enough—and...I took it. I just wanted this night from to be OVER. And every time my mom checks in on me (she currently thinks I have NO DOUBT in my femeninity), I tell her...”No, haha, don’t worry. Definitely not.” Is it possible for me to use nonbinary pronouns but still be in touch and slightly identify with my femeninity? I have no clue, but that’s what I want. DESPERATELY. And my grandparents are a different story. My grandfather is...pretty anti-LGBTQIA+ in the sense that he doesn’t want to put up with it if it’s all in your face and whatnot. And my friends (aside from a few) would...probably stop hanging out with me, or at least distance themselves if I ever came out to them; specifically my ONE FEMALE FRIEND that I love SO MUCH, and my other friend, Q. I love Q. He’s the funniest, kindest, and most lovely person I know. I love him like a brother, and to lose him would be like losing an arm. And on top of that, he’s had a crush on me since 3rd grade. It feels so nice for someone to like me like that (Q has no clue I know that he likes me). I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose them. I wish there was a way for me to come out without losing people. I wish I could talk to someone IRL like this. I wish I knew you guys in real life. Knowing you guys would fix everything.


@Admins, please at least post some of this comment. I wrote it from my iphone late at night and am too tired to make it shorter. Please let the other CBers see if they could help in any other way. I’m sorry this is so long. I’m sorry. Also, my thumbs are going numb from typing so much. Please don’t leave me alone to deal with this on my own.

submitted by Endless_Parodies, age Oodles, They/Faer
(January 2, 2024 - 12:52 am)

Oh, Parody

(I am literally crying right now, I'm right there with you)

I've always been a girl, and probably always will, but I can understand how you're feeling. And I'm pretty sure you CAN be nonbinary but still be feminine, but then again, since I'm not nonbinary, I'm probably not the best person to tell you that so I'll leave that to someone else

Honestly, I wish right now I could know you in real life, 'cause I'd be giving you the biggest hug and probably would've just sobbed right along with you (I mean, I am)

I'm glad you have a place here on the Chatterbox, so that you can have friends who don't care what you idenify as, even if it isn't quite the same of knowing us irl. Just know that we/I love you (/p) and we definetly won't leave you alone to deal with this. 

*Offers you unlimited hugs* 

submitted by Hawkstar, age Dynamite, My thoughts in Korea
(January 2, 2024 - 11:46 am)

Oh, and I'm sorry that I don't have any advice with your friends, other than 

If they are true friends, and if they truely love you, they will stay with you no matter what. But it's totally vaild to be scared to tell them, and the possibility of losing them. 

submitted by TOPstar
(January 2, 2024 - 11:56 am)
submitted by I, person who posted, hereby top this thread
(January 2, 2024 - 1:05 pm)

*optional hugs*

I don't have much advice for stuff with your brother, but remember how you said you felt when T (that's his name right) came out to you? Sad and disappointed—not because you didn't support him, but because you weren't used to its pronouns. It's possible your brother feels similar. It sounds like he's trying to support you, and while the way he's doing it might be frustrating, he's still trying.

One option if you're not ready to tell him your pronouns but still want him on the CB would be to not tell him your username. That way you could introduce him to the CB but keep a bit of anonymity. You could also gauge his reaction to someone using they/faer pronouns before telling him it's you, if you wanted.

If you're ready to come out to your parents but irl conversation is too hard and emotional, you could try writing an email/letter. It'd be both more stressful (delayed response time, etc) but also less stressful (not face-to-face, etc) and you'd be able to explain your thoughts in more detail. I think you articulated how you feel pretty well in this post, so something like this could help! ofc this is just a suggestion, feel free to ignore it (and everything else I've said lol)

As for friends... not much advice here either. I suppose I could say that if they can't accept you as who you are you might be better off without them, but I get that people can be wonderful friends even if they have some harmful beliefs and I don't want to tell you that only knowing a little about them. But keep it in mind—it'll be hard to come out and deal with repercussions but there are people out there who are amazing and awesome and who'll support you no matter what (hint hint us here on the CB! lol), you just have to find them.

also "Is it possible for me to use nonbinary pronouns but still be in touch and slightly identify with my femeninity?" YES OFC however you feel your gender identity/lack of it/whatever is totally okay and great and awesome and yay!! I'm sure there are a bunch of specific labels for how you feel but I don't know them and I don't think you need to use them either (unless you want) 

submitted by @parody
(January 2, 2024 - 1:12 pm)

@hawkstar - thank you so much. you have no clue how much your comments mean to me <3 i know that if they're true friends they'll stick around but i know they'd find it weird and unusual, and it's not just them that's the problem--it's also their parents. but anyway thank you so much, this means SO much to me <3

ily /p too <3 

submitted by endless_parodies, age 13 and 8/9, they/faer
(January 2, 2024 - 2:09 pm)

I'm glad I could help and I hope that this doesn't sound strange or mushy but we/I'll always be here for you :) <333

submitted by Hawkstar, age Dynamite, My thoughts in Korea
(January 2, 2024 - 3:38 pm)

@person who put their name as @parody - thank you so much for your advice. i'm actually going to ask him what he thinks about people who use they/faer right now--wish me luck! :)

@hawkstar - it's NOT mushy at all, in fact, i greatly appreciate your support <3 

submitted by endless_parodies, age oodles!, they/faer
(January 2, 2024 - 6:06 pm)

well, he said it's "trash" and "gay" and said the world was falling apart or something like that. basically what i expected. when i asked why, he said "it should just be boy and girl. nothing else. that's how God made us."


coming out to him is...not an option. to be honest it felt like i couldn't breathe for a bit. 

submitted by endless_parodies, age 13 and 8/9, they/faer
(January 2, 2024 - 6:17 pm)

o_0 that's awful. It shouldn't be an option, especially from your brother, who you're obviously very close with. It honestly disgusts me how un-supportive and terrible humans can be :/ I really, really, hope that your brother will come to... eventually. Hopefully he'll see that you are still that same amazing sibling of his, no matter who you feel you idenify as 

submitted by Hawkstar, age Dynamite, My thoughts in Korea
(January 2, 2024 - 8:10 pm)

dude, that absolutely sucks. i don't know if hearing that helps, but someone absolutely needs to acknowledge that this entire situation utterly sucks, and it really breaks my heart, because nobody should have to deal with utter garbage like that. you should be accepted, and allowed to express yourself, because this is the time to do that. you're a teenager, and your loved ones should allow you to grow into the person that you are, without treating you like this. i was lucky enough to have people who supported me, and it's disgusting that you don't have a group like that. i don't have advice, but i do have virtual hugs, etc. and also I'm angry, and you have every right to be as well.

as a fellow enby i want to just send waves of solidarity directly into your skull. 

submitted by Lord Entropy
(January 4, 2024 - 1:01 am)

I'm sorry that happened with your brother. Some people just don't understand. However, I think someone should point out to you that just because he doesn't understand right now doesn't mean he can't ever. Did you always see it this way? If not, what changed your point of view? It probably doesn't help that your brother is seemingly not in any way surrounded by openly LGBTQIA+ people - or even people who are openly and fully accepting of them. Is that fair for me to say? You specifically cannot fix that on your own, nor do I believe it is a good idea to make any effort to fix it right this very moment as you are still processing emotions. I just thought someone ought to reassure you that people can - and do - change.

Also, yes! You can use nonbinary pronouns and still be feminine. I think sometimes it's assumed that you have to be completely gender neutral all the time in every way to be nonbinary, but you don't owe anybody an explanation about your gender identity. This is also a time to remember that gender identity and gender expression are different. Gender expression is how you present yourself - do you enjoy dressing in more "feminine" clothing, "masculine" clothing, or in a neutral way? Things like that. Gender identity is what gender/pronouns you identify with, if any. I am not nonbinary but I write this based off things I've read written by nonbinary people and books written by queer authors. Anyone who is nonbinary and has something to say about it might be more helpful to you, though!

You may not feel safe and/or comfortable (or whatever word best describes your emotions rn) coming out to your family, and that's okay. Another thing that I've seen sometimes assumed is that you don't count as queer if you haven't figured out your identity in full and come out to your family. The way I see it, your identity is your business, and it's you who should have the right to decide when you talk about it with loved ones. Also, you are allowed to take your time figuring out your identity and pronouns! You don't have to hurry up, figure everything out immediately, and then come out right afterwards. You can take it as slow as you want. However, if you're interested in telling your family about it, texts and emails can work, like the person called @parody said. It sounds like you need to familiarize your family with some of these terms, first off, and make it clear there's not really a simple reason "why" you identify with this, that you just know it feels right for you right now the way "she/her" feels right for your mom and "he/him" feels right for your dad. And you might need to explain that you're experimenting with your pronouns right now and finding what feels right for you. Maybe a slideshow presentation is a good way to go? I don't know. Feel free to disregard that (and everything else I've said if it feels wrong). 

Anyway, if you want to slowly familiarize your family with it, you can read queer books or watch queer TV shows and movies as a family, maybe. The Owl House has explicitly queer characters including three characters who use either they/them or he/they (Raine and Masha use they/them and The Collector uses he/they). You've watched it, so you know that, and you also know it's 100% family friendly. Unless your family has a problem with witchcraft or sorcery, I guess (I've heard of some people who don't like that sort of thing), but if they're fine with Harry Potter I think it'd be good. Let me know if you want more family-friendly recommendations since I know you already knew The Owl House!

Hopefully that was able to help or at least comfort you. I know it's hard. You don't have to take my advice (I might be wrong; I am a thirteen year old girl on the internet giving the best advice I've got lol), but I thought I'd offer it if it could be any help to you. I hope it gets better! We're always here when you need it. Oh, and you can always talk to me on our chat thread, btw!! I'd love to hear from you and I'm completely willing to read any rants. Love you /p! <3

submitted by Periwinkle, age Pi, Somewhere in the stars
(January 2, 2024 - 9:19 pm)

Well, on second thought, you might need to be careful with the queer movies and TV shows thing. Idk, you can decide, but if you don't feel like it'd work with your mom, dad, and brother, don't do it.

Also thanks @Admins for the fast posting! 

submitted by Periwinkle, age Pi, Somewhere in the stars
(January 2, 2024 - 9:46 pm)

I'm so sorry Parody, that sounds horrible. I'm so sorry your brother responded that way when you came out to him, those are terrible things to say to a loved one. Even if he is religous, his consideration for you should come first and foremost. *Hugs*

As for the nonbinary/feminine stuff, just like people have been saying you absolutely can be both. Just like girls can wear traditionally masculine clothing and still be girls (I wear suit jackets a lot and I really enjoy them, I went through a portion of time where I detested dresses while still knowing full well I was a girl). It's all what you're comfy with and what makes you feel good. And remember: there are really no rules when it comes to this stuff, it's whatever you feel like :)

I don't know your friends and it's entirely your choice whether to come out to them or not, but hopefully they'll stick by you, although they might need some time to adjust. I'm so sorry that you're family is the kind that doesn't support you. *more hugs* Know that I'm here for you always if you want to talk more <333

submitted by Silver Crystal, age Infinity, Milky Way
(January 2, 2024 - 10:20 pm)

First of all, Parody, don't ever forget that you're an awesome human being.

Second of all, here are some of my tips for coming out to people and to generally being queer:

1. Don't feel pressured to come out immediately. If you want to, go for it. But if you're unsure or worried how whoever you are coming out to will react, it's 100 percent okay to take your time.

2. Don't feel as if you have to come out to everyone. Often, we think of being "fully out" as being ready to shout your gender identity from the rooftops, but everyone has their own way of being out. In the end, it's what makes you feel happiest and most comfortable. If that means telling everyone, that's awesome, but if that means only telling the people closest to you like your family and close friends, or not telling anyone at all, that's good too. Personally, I don't mind being misgendered that much, so if an acquaintance gets my pronouns wrong, I don't always correct them. If you'd rather your friends use whatever pronouns you prefer, go ahead and tell them. If you don't mind that they use the wrong pronouns and gender for you and you're worried about distancing them, not telling them is also an option. "Out" means however you are most comfortable. I have NB friends who continue to use she/her or he/him pronouns, because for them, simply knowing that they know their gender identity is enough, and they don't care if other people know or not. Do whatever works best for you.

3. There is no direct link between gender and pronouns. While we usually relate she/her to feminine genders, he/him to masculine genders, and other pronouns to more neutral genders, there's no rule that says you have to use a specific set of pronouns if you're a certain gender. If you don't mind people using she/her or whatever pronouns for you and you're comfortable with them continuing to do so, you can let them. Or if you'd rather they use other pronouns for you, you can ask them to do so. Entirely up to you!

4. When coming out to someone who will likely ask a lot of questions, try to anticipate what they will ask and have an answer ready. If you're coming out to your parents, for example, try to have a definition of what nonbinary or demigirl or whatever gender you are means ready ahead of time, so you don't have to come up with one on the spot. Or depending on how much they know about LGBTQ+ terms, you might even want to be ready with definitions for things like "gender identity," which is a concept that seems so simple to us who are familiar with it but isn't to everyone else. Also come up with answers to questions about how you relate to these terms and why you identify with them. Depending on how your parents or whoever you're coming out to feels about queer stuff, you might also anticipate the question "what did I do wrong?" or similar questions. Be prepared with answers for those questions too. You can also practice roleplaying a coming out by yourself or with a friend who is supportive. Generally, the more preparation you do in advance, the better.

5. If you're not absolutely sure of your gender identity, make it clear that you're questioning and not certain yet. I can speak from experience and say that there isn't much worse that having to come out a second time because you've realized that you were wrong about what your gender identity is and that you're actually something else.


Remember that we're always here to talk and support you

~Scuttles <3 

submitted by Scuttles
(January 3, 2024 - 2:06 pm)

I'm really terrible with advice and making people feel better, but I'm female and use she/her pronouns, yet I hate 'girly' things. I never use makeup or hair gel. my favorite colors are black and dark green, rather than blue and pink. I love snakes, while most 'girly' people run and scream from them. I avoid anything that remotely resembles a dress or crop-top with every grain of my existence.

feel free to completely ignore all of this if it dosen't help 

submitted by Darkvine, the corn-infested Midwest
(January 3, 2024 - 4:02 pm)