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you were my
Chatterbox: Down to Earth
you were my
you were my friend,
last year
i worked hard to earn your friendship
but then
through a mess of crushes and fights and misundrstandings,
things got awkward
my other friend started avoiding you,
i chose her (not that i
regret that choice; she needed
someone to be there for her)
we started to drift,
i miss you
i want to be close with you again
i want you to vunerable with me;
i'm not sure how well i know this extroverted armor
that's part of why i went to that party in the first place;
i knew you would be there.
this i know
or knew
or thought i knew
but then-- if all of that is true,
then what happened last night?
everything changed;
you changed everything--
i think. because here's the thing:
if that meant something,
you wouldn't be looking past me instead of at me
i wouldn't feel so overlooked
around you, you'd be
hanging out with me instead of
JosieGraceMatthewIleneAlannahAbdullahEtCetera
so it couldn't,
right?
but i can't convince myself i imagined
the brush of you lips against my cheek (my left cheek,
to the right and just under my cheekbone--
i know because my fingers
keep drifting to the spot), the movement perfectly
disguised as you draped your sweatshirt over me (i was cold).
but i know someone else likes you,
and you seem to like them (i don't know but
i still ship it)
and you'd be happier with them:
loud, extroverted, rainbow, sarcastic, critical, tall
into the same things you're into (i have realized that i'm not
not quite
anymore) instead of me:
postive, ambiverted, short, a pushover and
in an awkward halfway about what i want to do,
who i want to be (i've discovered that, in middle school,
you either have to go all in or all out-- no
all in or all in; and i'm scared) who offers the same excuse every time;
(it seems to work even though it's sometimes untrue).
but maybe i want it to mean something; maybe i
want reassurance that someone like you could like me--
that anyone could like me;
the possibility is killing me.
(and maybe
just maybe
i want you to kiss me again)
i want it to be true even if i know it's not
(but it might, cries a small voice in my head
it might!)
you have shattered me into countless pieces,
and i can't quite seem to put myself back together
you have ripped through my reality (or
was it my facade?)
and i don't know anything
anymore
.
To be clear: this has nothing to do with the CB, I'm just feeling disoriented and confused and broken and need to reach out lest I explode.
submitted by confused, age stardust, and shattered
(October 17, 2018 - 6:13 pm)
(October 17, 2018 - 6:13 pm)
(October 17, 2018 - 8:44 pm)
(October 18, 2018 - 8:20 am)
I'm here with you.
(October 18, 2018 - 10:41 am)
(October 18, 2018 - 9:10 am)
*hugs* I wish I could give you some advice, but I've never really been in a situation like that before. This is beautifully written, and if you ever need to reach out, please do. Always always always. We're all here for you. *more hugs*
(October 18, 2018 - 4:12 pm)
Hey Stardust, I lost a best friend recently, so I can relate. ;-; it really does suck. Stay strong, we’re all here for you! <3
And sometimes the seemingly broken skips are the ones we love the most. :)
<3 Fidelity
(October 19, 2018 - 2:54 am)
*hugs* I don’t know what to say except that I’m here for you; all of us are, and I’m so sorry. If you ever need to talk, or rant, or whatever, we’re here. I’m praying for you. <3
(October 19, 2018 - 12:45 pm)
Yep, losing a best friend sucks. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel.
Remember, we all love you and we're here for you.
(October 19, 2018 - 7:37 pm)
Oh, my friend.
I know how it feels
To miss the friend who was
Never like you.
She was the
Clever, the wild, the leader,
I was the
Plain, the teacher's pet, the follower.
For years
We were
Oh, we were
One. You would think that
We were sisters.
All the days
Laughing in my basement.
All the days
Hiding under your bed so I could stay forever.
All the days
Cheering that we were in the same class.
What happened?
Nothing.
When did I know
That we were done?
I dunno.
It just happened.
An unspoken force between us
And we both knew it was true-
Our friendship was dead.
But then why
Is today the second time
She asked for me?
We're done
But you want me?
We're finished
But you need me?
You don't know, do you
The nights I spent
Crying into my pillow
Over our broken friendship.
We had troubles before
I was confused
And you pretend like it hadn't happened.
I'm happy now
Guess I'll just stay away.
Stardust, I understand that feeling. I really do. If you need advice, I'm right here. I miss my old friend Leah sometimes, and I struggle not to explode with all my memories whenever she speaks to me. Maybe she's remembering too, dunno. All I know is, even though I miss her sometimes, I don't want to reach out to her again. I have my new people. She has hers. It's not the ending anyone wants, but it's probably the best.
(October 20, 2018 - 9:36 am)
thank you so much
i am here fro you guys too,
for each of you who is losing a friend,
may things turn out alright for you
many returned hugs.
i think part of why i was so
distraut
was that after
when i lay wondering
if i could imagine such a monumentuos thing
i knew i needed to talk to someone,
and there was this moment of realization
that i didn't have one friend i could vent to
one person who would hug me and understand
so i turned to you,
my honorary family,
my alternate home,
and you were all i needed and more.
so thank you,
thank you
i love you,
thank
you
all
of
you.
(October 20, 2018 - 6:30 pm)
*reaches back*
Three things. That was beautiful. We like you. It's all going to be okay.
I don't have any more words. You stole them all and used them way better than I could've.
(October 22, 2018 - 7:38 pm)
Well, you stole my heart, so...
~
This made my day and almost made me dry.
(October 23, 2018 - 3:51 pm)
And now you've made my day! :)
Mexi says bwry--bowyer? Bury? Bowry?
(October 25, 2018 - 7:05 am)