Chatterbox: Down to Earth

PRONOUNS HELP PLEASE!!!

So. Umm. I don't know how to explain this except by starting at the very beginning (a very good place to start... anyone get this reference? If so, a cookie for you!) because I am more comfortable writing large quantities (sorry admins. I just... yeah.) So. 3 years ago, I was a very ignorant little girl. I lived a life of sunshine and rainbows, I was spoiled - well, I still am, but I'm much more aware of it now - oblivious, and knew nothing of the troubles of the world. My friend once told me that police were giving out toys to kids to persuade them they were good, and I was like, why would they need to? Aren't they good anyway? *sigh* The ignorance of childhood. I probably still don't know a lot, but I make more of an effort to be knowledgeable. Anyways, that summer, between one grade and the next, I met up with my friend who liked to talk about crushes and stuff for summer school. In her mind, I was very innocent because I never once have said a bad word (still true, I don't count two words though, bc the first one is the name of a goddess in Norse Mythology and I'm not religious, the second one bc it's a donkey and they use it in Narnia and it's featured in one of my favorite of my dad's wise sayings (my dad accidentally said it once when he was explaining something). And even then, I only use those words talking about mythology or quoting my dad (who didn't use it in a "bad" way btw, no swearing or whatever)) and because, as I have already established, I didn't know much about the world at the time (we were doing a discussion of The Greenglass House in class (which I had already read and loved even then) and one of the ppl was like, "Milo's sus (not a spoiler)", and I, the younger, was like "whaaa??? (oc, I raised my hand before I said it, and phrased the question in a very polite way, points for my perceived innocence)". Now "sus" is used regularly by me and others alike.). Anyways. So, when she was talking about "gay" people, no offense, I said, "isn't that ppl who are really happy?" Hence, my introduction to the world of LGBTQIA+ (well, kinda introduction, most of what I know is from books and reading, so I was more introduced when I started devouring material and stuff about the subject).

Now skip to present day. I'm an advocate. I learn about a subject, then I lecture persistently and passionately about it (you guys may have seen an example of this on my gendered reading thread). I feel very strongly about LGBTQIA+ rights, even though I keep silent about it (yes, I lecture only in my head, in my imagination, in daydreams, to close friends, to my unwilling brother, once to my mom when she was saying my cousin who's male is weird for liking Disney princesses, but never really where it counted. Unless it came to bugs. Then my instincts would kick in and I'd be like DON'T SQUISH THEM WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU!!! And run over and maybe occasionally out-of-characterly push someone. It's just easier to defend that than... you know. Things ppl rly have strong opinions on. Otherwise, I am my usual shy self. (But I do a pretty good death glare)). Even though I'm a huge supporter of LGBTQIA+ rights, I don't really feel connected to it. I barely know anyone who's LGBTQIA+ (this is not rly present present day, it's like months/years ago present day, when I knew only 1 person who is LGBTQIA+, and this person was just someone I knew of, not really knew), and I feel much more strongly about Girl Power and Stop Asian Hate. I am totally and completely a girl, female, she/her, wholly. When I want to do something, I say you're a strong, quiet girl, and you can do this, insert real name. I still do. And I still fully believe it. Until. You guys know I transferred to a different school. I talk about it on every thread. Something about my new school is that it actually considers the LGBTQIA+ community. There're gender neutral restrooms. People don't assume. Some teachers go by Mx. But what's really important, is you have to introduce your pronouns. And it's a fancy private school with rotating classes, so you have to do it many times in two days. The first day, I said she/her, completely fine with it. I think. Maybe it was already starting by then. The second day, I had to write pronouns on a piece of paper. And seeing she/her, in pencil like that? It felt wrong. It felt plain wrong. And I was scared. Don't get me wrong, I know having different pronouns that the ones you were assigned at birth is perfectly fine. It's perfectly normal. I just didn't expect it to happen to me. I had built so much of my identity around being female. It was something I held on to, grasped, when things were tough. I was so so proud of it. I was happy, yes, Ik how that sounds, but I was happy because of it. I was female! How awesome was that? And then I started to lose that feeling. But anyways. I like to sometimes narrate my actions in my mind. I always use she/her. That was the second time I noticed. That's when I thought, this is getting real. This is real. Right? Right? How do you know? All those books... This Is Our Rainbow, Summer of Impossibilities, Fresh Ink, especially Too Bright to See... this is what they described it as. A feeling of right. A feeling of wrong. A knowing. And yet, I'm sentimental. I surround myself with familiar, comforting things, perhaps hold on too tight, know, very confidently, who I am. I thought I did. I also thought this strange feeling would go away after a few days. But it's been 4 days now, and I'm not so certain anymore. It, and I know I keep on using "it", which is probably disrespectful, but that's how I feel about it, seems to actually be getting worse. Two days ago, I was still comfortable with "'she', though not 'her'". Then it switched. Now both are only sometimes. "They" seems to be worming its way into my thoughts more. Yesterday, I still considered myself a girl. A few minutes ago, writing that sentence around the top of this long long thing, sorry again, "I was a very ignorant little girl". I'm even starting to doubt that. I am a demigirl. Does that truly feel better, or am I convincing myself it does? Is my mind playing tricks on me? 

So, I guess what I really need help on, are tips on how to adjust, how to embrace my new identity and let go of my old one. Thank you so so much if you read all that. Thank you admins. I don't know why you wouldn't, but please please please post this, preferably the whole of it, because I really need this to be posted. I really need people to know the whole story, which I feel is really important. I'm just scared and uncertain when life is usually a breeze, and... just please please please please please please please post this admins. Please. At least consider it. If you really can't (and I mean really really can't), please give me some way to get a copy of this. I at least need to keep all these feelings, look them over again. Thank you. And thank you to this whole CB, to all you CBers, you're perfect beyond measure, and I mean every single word of this. You have changed my life. You have given me support, and love, and laughs, and awe, and appreciation. You have given me a safe safe, a place where I can be myself, surrounded by friends, laughing with wild, reckless abandon, unafraid to be my whole true self (and using many caps and exclamations). You've given me a home. I love you all. Platonically, of course!

(btw, I am aware this doesn't really sound like me how I present myself on the CB. Where all the all caps?? The overused exclamations?? But I promise you, this is me. Just a different side. Though, as you can see, this side isn't any shorter :))