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I'm in Playwrighting
I'm in Playwrighting I right now. (and it's soooo awesome! :D) For homework tonight we had to write a scene, and I ended up with something that I actually really like and am considering expanding into a whole play.
Comments/critiques/questions/etc. would be much appreciated.
*
Lights up on a large, bare room. Aged floral wallpaper on the walls, one boarded-up window. Cardboard boxes and a black umbrella piled carelessly along the wall. Down right, a large wooden crate with several coffee mugs and a crumpled newspaper on top. ALICE, 19, sits on the crate, sipping from a mug while she rifles through a large purse. Now and then she consults her watch. Door slams offstage and seconds later BOB, 15, enters from the left. ALICE looks at him.
ALICE
(Very calm.)
You're late. How'd it go?
BOB says nothing, goes to the cardboard boxes and begins to rearrange them mindlessly.
ALICE (CONT.)
I asked you a question.
BOB
Don't feel like talking.
ALICE is taken aback. She puts down the mug and the purse and shifts on the crate so as to better see BOB.
ALICE
That bad, huh?
BOB
Hhn.
ALICE
So...?
BOB
Said I didn't want to talk.
ALICE
Fine. I'll call Charlie, then.
Beat. Neither of them move.
BOB
Don't.
ALICE
Why not?
BOB
...Because.
ALICE
Why not?
BOB picks up the umbrella and starts to play with it, swinging it around like a sword and making fight noises. ALICE goes to him, stands just out of range of the umbrella.
ALICE
Please tell me?
BOB
Ha!
He lunges with the umbrella as if stabbing an enemy through the heart. Holds the pose for a moment, then straightens and leans on the umbrella like a cane.
ALICE
Bob.
BOB
Alice.
ALICE folds her arms.
ALICE
I'm worried about you.
She moves forward, puts her arm around BOB's shoulders. BOB freezes.
ALICE (CONT.)
Bob...
BOB
I told you—
ALICE
(Glib)
Actually you didn't.
BOB
—I don't want to talk about it.
(Beat)
It went bad, okay? That's all you need to know.
ALICE moves back to the crate, sulks. BOB watches her for a moment, then goes back to playing with the umbrella.
ALICE
I went to the library today. It's the last day of their spring sale. All the books were set out in boxes—there must have been a hundred of 'em—with the spines all facing up. Dozens of books, all worn out with their covers broken.
Beat. ALICE sneakily checks for BOB's reaction; he ignores her.
ALICE (CONT.)
Some books were new. So shiny and clean, it was like they'd never even been touched. I looked in the covers to check the due dates. They'd been checked out once, twice, or maybe never. No one wanted them. No one bought them, either.
BOB
You buy any?
ALICE
Nah. No money.
(Beat)
How'd it go with Charlie, Bobby?
BOB drops the umbrella. Stands still, deer-in-headlights, then kicks the umbrella aside.
BOB
'S fine.
ALICE
Is not.
BOB picks up one of the smaller cardboard boxes and puts it on his head like a helmet. Strikes a heroic pose.
BOB
I could be in the army.
ALICE
Don't change the subject.
BOB
You did.
ALICE
I'm me.
ALICE jumps up on the crate, spreads her arms like she's preparing to conduct an orchestra.
ALICE (CONT.)
I'm the best bloody personage in this town! I do what I want.
BOB
You're not.
ALICE
Am too!
BOB
Nope. Otherwise you woulda bought some books.
ALICE
Shut up!
She jumps off the crate and stomps over to BOB.
ALICE (CONT.)
What happened with Charlie?!
ALICE waits for BOB to speak; when he doesn't, she whirls away and picks up the umbrella, turns it in her hands.
BOB
Leave me alone.
ALICE turns back towards BOB, jabs the umbrella at his face. BOB studies his shoes.
ALICE
You tell me right now!
BOB says nothing. ALICE lets out a frustrated scream, throws the umbrella at him, then storms off right. BOB picks up the umbrella as she goes, clutching it close to him with both hands.
BOB
(Small.)
That hurt.
ALICE (O.S.)
SHUT. UP!
BOB
What're you doing?
ALICE returns with a broken phone in hand. A foot or so of the cord dangles from the casing before coming to a ragged. ALICE dials.
BOB
Don't call Charlie.
ALICE smiles.
BOB
Don't call Charlie.
ALICE
I won't if you tell me what happened.
She lifts the phone threateningly above her head. BOB's face contorts with indecision and fear.
ALICE (CONT.)
(Triumphant)
Well?
BOB lets out a broken sob and runs off left, still clutching the umbrella. ALICE remains, bewildered and hurt. She looks at the phone. Drops it. Moves to the crate and picks up the purse again. Looks inside. Turns it over and shakes it out. Nothing. She throws it away in anger.
ALICE
Phone's never worked, anyway.
*
(The exact assignment, if you're wondering, was to write a scene with two characters, where character A states their objective in their first line, and character B states a directly contradictory objective in their first line. One character had to use at least three tactics to try to win, and the scene ends when one character wins. Mmmyep.)
submitted by TNÖ, age 19, Deep Space
(October 4, 2012 - 2:01 pm)
(October 4, 2012 - 2:01 pm)
It's brilliant TNO! I like it, you've done a really good job.
One thing though; is 'shifts on the crate so as to better see BOB' meant to be like that? To me it doesn't sound right.
And what's 'O.S.' stand for?
(October 4, 2012 - 8:39 pm)
*claps*
Bravo, bravo!
My one suggestion: because of the use of the name Bob in popular culture, it is normally a humorous middle-aged man who has the name. Just keep that in mind.
(October 4, 2012 - 8:43 pm)
@Saz: thank you!
"shifts on the crate so as to better see BOB" is intended to mean that she moves from facing the audience straight-on to a stage-left profile so she can look at Bob while she speaks. Although you're right that there's probably a much better way to phrase it. Maybe just "shifts on the crate to look at BOB"?
"O.S." means "Off Stage," as in Alice is just yelling from the wings.
@Melody: "Alice" and "Bob" (and "Charlie) are placeholder names used in cryptography (and other things). The rest of the characters in the play—because I got carried away and wrote two more scenes this afternoon—are named in a similar fashion: David, Eva, Fabian, Gena... (Fabian gets a more fanciful name because he's a writer).
"Alice" is also a name frequently associated with weird/eccentric/crazy characters because of how culturally influential Alice in Wonderland is, which is important for the angle I'm aiming for. "Bob", on the other hand, is an everyman kind of name, stereotypically bland and so on (hence, the "humourous middle-aged man" trope) My Bob isn't a middle-aged man, he's a socially stunted fifteen-year-old, but it's important for him to have a "boring" name because of his relationship with Alice.
And that is the story of how much I over-analyze my own work.
(October 4, 2012 - 10:26 pm)
This is awesome! I really like this script, although I think that the part about stating their objectives in their first lines blah blah blah could be a little more emphasized. Like maybe their first lines being more direct.
(October 5, 2012 - 5:32 pm)
@ TNO, wow you really have thought this over, and I think 'shifts on the crate to look at BOB' does read better. It's brilliant, just when you talk about how each character's name! A small part, but you've done so much to make it perfect and it's amazing! I'm completely dazzled! You haven't 'over analyzed' your work at all!
Will your play every be performed? If it was, and I wasn't in Australia I'd sooooooooooo go see it!
We could have a special Chatterbox section in the audience.
Admin
(October 5, 2012 - 6:26 pm)
@Gollum: thank you!
Alice wants Bob to tell her about Charlie ("How'd it go?"); Bob doesn't want to ("Don't feel like talking"). The point of the assignment wasn't to go into detail about exactly what they want and why (i.e. not to have Alice explain that she wants to hear confirmation that Charlie is dead from Bob himself because reasons), but to set up the conflict of the scene immediately. I'm not actually sure how to be more direct about their objectives, given that "How'd it go? [silence] I asked you a question" and "Don't feel like talking" is an exchange that's pretty hard to misconstrue (A wants information, B doesn't want to give it). Or perhaps you meant something different? #justalittlepuzzled
@Saz: thankssssss :)
I may fix it up for PIG or the New Play Festival this spring, in which case, yes, there is a possibility of it being performed in the college. Which I would be kind of psyched about actually.
I've sketched out the rest of the play—I'm thinking it's probably going to be about five scenes long. Shortest play I've written but it's the perfect length for NPF. So.
ALSO. If you guys have questions about the characters/the story, or just random observations or thoughts or interpretations that occured to you while reading the script, it would be great if you could post them. I'm aiming for a fairly specific feeling and I'm curious as to whether I achieved it (although feedback from my playwriting class has given me hope in that regard).
(October 5, 2012 - 10:57 pm)
@ Admin, yeah we could!!
(October 6, 2012 - 4:36 pm)
Scene two is a bit dark. Caveat emptor!
*
Outside a dingy brick building. A door, half-off its hinges, on the left. On the right, BOB, cradling the umbrella like a baby, huddles against the wall. He looks down at the umbrella. Opens it. Walks downstage and puts down the umbrella, upside-down so the handle stands upright. Shoves his hands in his pockets and addresses the umbrella.
BOB
I first met Charlie at school. I was nine. Some older boys pushed me into the lockers and he made them stop. Charlie's very big. Like a bear, only he's not as hairy as a bear. Actually he's bald. His head's real shiny. Anyway. Charlie made the bullies stop. He was in junior high, you know. A seventh-grader, like Alice. But he was nice to me anyway. Nobody older was ever nice to me except Alice.
(Beat)
Charlie never liked Alice. He was always saying mean things to her and pulling her hair. This was while she still had long hair, you know. She used to keep it in two long braids. I think she cut it off so Charlie would stop pulling it. She says that's not why but that's what I think.
(Beat.)
But Charlie was my friend. We played cards a lot. Charlie taught me rummy and we played all the time. Alice didn't like him. She doesn't like games. Not card games, anyway. One day she got real mad at Charlie and took his deck of cards—his grandpa's old cards, they were all he had left of his grandpa—and she ripped them all up. And then she burnt the bits.
BOB stops talking and looks out over the audience. Shuffles in place while he struggles to regain his composure. Reaches out and spins the umbrella.
BOB (CONT.)
Charlie was so mad. Charlie was so mad.
(Beat.)
After that Alice didn't let Charlie come by any more. Ever. Today me and Charlie were gonna get away. We kept it a secret. Communicated in code. Burnt our notes after reading them. We didn't use the phone in case she had it bugged.
(Long pause. Softly.)
I don't know how she found out.
(Beat.)
Alice has this friend named David. He's a cop, I think. He dresses like one, anyway. Me and Charlie had just got to the bus station on fourteenth street when David showed up. He told Charlie he was under arrest for kidnapping. Charlie said no. David tried to grab me and Charlie hit him. Charlie hit him.
(Beat.)
Charlie's very big. Like a bear. And Charlie hit him.
(Pause.)
But David had a gun.
Long pause. BOB sniffles once. Slowly lifts one arm, forefinger and thumb extended to make a gun. Points the "gun" at the audience, eyes fixed on the umbrella.
BOB
Bang. Bang.
On each word, BOB squeezes the "trigger" and makes little jerking motions, simulating recoil. He begins to cry.
BOB
(Whispering.)
Bang.
BOB drops his hand. Thunder. BOB looks up at the sky. Hurries off right. A beat. The door on the right swings slowly out, revealing ALICE. She has heard everything. She walks out stealthily, goes to the umbrella. Thunder again. ALICE holds out a hand, palm-up, to feel for rain. Picks up the umbrella, raises it over her head. Balances the umbrella on her shoulder, spins it. Looks at the audience and smiles. Lights fade slowly as she strolls off right.
(October 4, 2012 - 11:04 pm)
You are so clever TNO! (how do you get the two dots over the O?) The emotions... the drama (I'm a big fan of it like any writer) it's amazing!
For Ö: On a Mac, you hit Option and U together, then let up. Then hit O and you get Ö. On a PC, I don't know.
Admin
(October 5, 2012 - 6:32 pm)
On PC, you hold down Alt, and then press 0214 ON THE NUMBER KEYPAD. Very important.
In Exempla on number keypad: Ö
In Exempla not on number keypad: Nothing.
(October 6, 2012 - 7:12 am)
It keeps getting more awesome!
(October 5, 2012 - 7:46 pm)
SCENE THREE!
(with some minor censors because NSFCB, indicated by [this])
A cafe. Counter along the right wall, antique register in center. Several round tables arranged down right. Down left, a door with a bell over it. EVA, 48, stands next to the register, calmly cleaning the counter with a bright pink cloth. FABIAN, 62, sits at the counter, studying a small notebook. BOB is sitting at one of the tables, drawing on a napkin with a yellow crayon.
FABIAN
Heard from the publishing company this morning.
EVA
Oh?
FABIAN
They hated it.
EVA
I'm sorry.
FABIAN
Ech.
EVA
You want a pastry? There's raspberry.
FABIAN
Not today.
(Beat.)
"Bitter tone and excessive gore seems inappropriate for young audiences." That's what they said.
EVA
I'm sorry.
FABIAN
I'm reworking the outline before starting on the next draft.
Pause. BOB finishes his drawing and begins to shred the napkin into strips.
FABIAN
Kid. Hey, kid.
BOB
'M not a kid.
FABIAN
My book has [disturbing thing]. 'S for teens. You be interested in something like that?
BOB
Alice says I shouldn't talk to strangers.
FABIAN
Who's Alice?
EVA
His sister.
EVA throws down the rag and sighs.
FABIAN
His sister?! Bah. What kind of teen boy takes orders from his sister?
BOB
A good one.
FABIAN
A weepy one.
BOB rubs his cheek self-consciously, trying to rid himself of his tear tracks. The bell over the door jingles as ALICE walks in. She closes the umbrella and shakes rainwater onto the floor. BOB dives under the table and huddles there.
ALICE
You're not fooling anybody, Bobby.
She goes to BOB's table and nudges him with the umbrella. BOB doesn't react except to shuffle away from the touch. ALICE huffs in annoyance and goes to the counter, leans next to FABIAN.
ALICE
Medium espresso, please.
EVA
Sure thing.
While EVA prepares ALICE's order, ALICE looks over FABIAN's shoulder at the notebook. While she's distracted, BOB starts crawling towards the door.
ALICE
What's that?
FABIAN
An outline.
ALICE
"[several disturbing horror story type things]"
FABIAN
It's a work in progress.
EVA
Has been for twenty years.
FABIAN
Shut up and bring me a pastry. Raspberry.
EVA
I know, I know. Here.
(She gives ALICE her espresso.)
Two-fifteen, dear.
ALICE
Thanks.
ALICE pays for her drink. Sips it. Leaves the counter and goes to BOB, who has just reached the door and is reaching for the handle. She steps on his jacket and he looks up at her guiltily. ALICE reaches down, gets a fistful of his jacket, and hauls him to his feet.
ALICE
Come along, Bobby. We're going to the park.
BOB
But—
ALICE hands him the umbrella, and he reluctantly opens it and holds it above their heads while she opens the door. They leave, ALICE still gripping BOB's jacket. Lights fade as EVA drops a plate with a pastry in front of FABIAN and then leans on the counter, frowning at the door.
(October 5, 2012 - 11:03 pm)
I think changing Bob's name to Jim, or something might be an interesting idea. Still not very characteristic, but not as distracting.
(October 6, 2012 - 7:13 am)
That would break the naming scheme I'm going for though, where the first character seen/mentioned is "A", then "B," then "C," and so on (Alice Bob Charlie David Eva Fabian...)
(October 6, 2012 - 9:35 am)
... Gena.
That's really clever!
(October 6, 2012 - 11:56 am)