RMS Humbug and

Chatterbox: Inkwell

RMS Humbug and

RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny Invite You To Their Maiden Voyages!

On September 22, a day that looks, smells, and tastes like any other day – which, for that matter, it probably is – an “ordinary” person much like yourself (maybe even yourself?) finds in the back of their cupboard a five-year-old mayonnaise jar. The nutrition facts label reads as follows:

Vitamin B12 – 2%

Vitamin Z564 – 26%

You, random but lucky person, are invited to the maiden voyages of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug, two cruise ships belonging to the Ridiculous Management of Seagoers (RMS) Company! Isn't that awesome? It starts on October 10, so you have lots of time to pack! Isn't that even awesomer! And it's completely FREE*! Please RSVP by October 5. Anyone who wishes to join after October 5th but before October 10 has a lot less chance of making it onto the ship on time. Anyone attempting to board the ship after October 10 will find that the ship has already left, and I am afraid that under no circumstances can we pick up latecomers.

Cheesiness – 41%

Corniness - 22%

Good Old Random Humour – 5555555555%

Logic - (-111%)

Vitamin A+ - 4.67%

The person squints to read the fine print (the finest print they've ever seen) at the bottom of the label:

*This may or may not include certain expenses, including but not limited to: food, accommodation, extreme trauma counselors, staff, my new billion-dollar fridge, etc. NOTE: Some of these expenses may seem entirely unrelated to the subject at hand, but let me assure you that, when viewed from a holistic point of view, they are all completely necessary.

-Your Future Captain,

The Ominous

ANOTHER NOTE: Any complaints, questions, forwarded expenses, or wishes to sue may all be sent to John F.Q. and CaptainRead of the Cricket Chatterbox!

ANOTHER NOTE: We here at RMS Co. believe that there are two possible reasons why the Titanic sank. One is that it had such a huge, grand name that the sea serpents got angry and told the iceburgers to “let 'em have it broadside!”. Of course, as you all know, iceburgers don't have very good aim, so instead of “having it broadside”, the Titanic was rammed from the front, causing the deaths of millions. The other is that everyone thought it was unsinkable, and so we all jinxed it and of course it just had to sink after that. This is why we have built the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug. The former ship will be completely unsinkable because of its unassuming name, and the latter will be a test to see if we were right. The RMS Humbug has been equipped with all the sorts of things that superstitious sailors think contribute to the angering of sea serpents and the sinking of ships, and it will probably be sunk almost immediately.

AND ANOTHER NOTE: When everyone has boarded the RMS Tiny (no one will want to go on the RMS Humbug, we are certain), their names will inexplicably appear in Pandora's Fedora, owned by your captain, The Ominous (that's me!). A “murderer” will be drawn out of it, and the game will begin! From then on, those whose names are drawn out of Pandora's Fedora will “disappear”, unfortunate “victims” to the will of the hat.

YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS NOTE: This was inspired by T.O.N.'s Ski Lodge Murder Mysteries(TM), and we here at RMS Co. sincerely hope that it is different enough to avoid any copyright issues. To be sure of this, there is a rather severe plot twist that we can't tell you a single thing about. We will not use the Ski Lodge, nor any of the characters from it, and we will attempt to use our own style of writing, no matter how much we may be unconsciously influenced into doing otherwise because of the sheer awesomeness of the Ski Lodge. "Days" will be written whenever possible during the busy schedule of The Ominous, and you can hope to expect from one to three of them per week. Everyone who signs up may post their view of the "day," but please wait until you've read whatever The Ominous has written before doing so, and because of the severe yet unknowable plot twist, your memories will be wiped once you die, so there are unfortunately no ghosts. If you really want to, dreams or hallucinations are allowed. 

The person snorts dismissively. “Some silly, outdated advertisement or conspiracy meant to get more people to eat mayonnaise! Well, it certainly didn't work very well...” They think, staring at the uneaten mayonnaise jar for a few seconds, and then throwing it over their shoulder into a garbage can and inadvertently causing a snowstorm in Italy.



DINGALING! DINGALING! The phone rings. You pick it up, wrenching your gaze from the scattered tea leaves in front of you that had just produced the story above. “Hello?”

“Good evening. This is Super Mayonnaise Incorporated, business partner with RMS Co. We have been looking through our records, and it has come to our inattention that the five-year-old mayonnaise jar you just now allegedly threw over your shoulder was never sold, stolen, or even brought into existence in the first place. It does not exist, and neither does your house, no matter how real it may appear. Furthermore, you do not exist. We deny everything, and have lawsuits in place to make sure you do not claim otherwise. In fact, I am talking to thin air right now, because you do not exist. Neither does your telephone. Goodbye, thin air, and thank you for your co-operation.”

Before you can speak, the line goes dead. Now thoroughly mystified, you decide to thwart reason and pack your bags to wherever it was that the ships were supposed to leave from. Not that there had been a location mentioned anywhere in the story your tea leaves just told you, but you still think you have an idea of where to go. You hope.

submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)

I don't exist. Oookay . . . . I join !!!!

submitted by Indigo K. ❖
(September 22, 2014 - 8:51 pm)
submitted by --
(September 22, 2014 - 8:52 pm)


submitted by Top, age Top, Top
(September 23, 2014 - 7:05 am)

*looks at bank account* Uh oh... I only have a few knuts! Definitely not enough to pay for someone's billion dollar fridge! Anyways, I'm joining!

submitted by CaptainRead, age 14, worried
(September 23, 2014 - 6:58 am)

me me me!! I will join!

submitted by MapleSyurp
(September 23, 2014 - 4:34 pm)

me me me!! I will join!

submitted by MapleSyurp
(September 23, 2014 - 4:34 pm)

Aw, not fair! I didn't see this thread before!!! Can I still join?

submitted by Madeline
(September 23, 2014 - 6:29 pm)

Of course you may join! I only posted this yesterday evening, and you have until October 5 to join, so you're not late at all.

submitted by The Ominous
(September 23, 2014 - 8:32 pm)


submitted by Forrest
(September 23, 2014 - 6:45 pm)

What's this? I have to pay for this extravagant cruise? Well, I suppose I should probably join up so I get my money's worth...


submitted by John F.Q.
(September 24, 2014 - 11:16 am)

This actually was insanely funny and the best sales pitch ever, so I'm going to join, though I don't know how often I can post. Everyone knows, after all, what a Titanic fan I am.

So stick my name down the ol' hat! 

submitted by Everinne, age 15, RMS Titanic
(September 24, 2014 - 12:45 pm)

I am insanely flattered! Scratch that, I'm probably just insane...

And since you mentioned sales pitches, would you care to buy some of this delicious, well-aged mayonnaise? 

submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 24, 2014 - 5:55 pm)

Hmm...no. I'm really not that into mayonaise anyway--and I don't think that I'll like it any more simply because it's old--though I do occasionally like old things.

Note: Does anyone think it's insanely weird that I post from a ship that is lying miles under the sea?

submitted by Everinne, age 15, RMS Titanic
(September 24, 2014 - 6:40 pm)

For us here at RMS Co., insanely weird is normal.

submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 25, 2014 - 2:35 pm)

How could I bear to not join something this random??????

Cappie says vinu. What vine? Where?

submitted by A Curious Dragon, age 13, New Hampshire
(September 24, 2014 - 6:47 pm)