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Hey, everybuggy. This is part of a story I wrote several months ago. I would love feedback as I tend to be - uh, biased - when I read my own stories. (Obviously.) Anyway, please let me know what y'all think! Here goes...
-Emily
This was not their world. Their world was rolling plains, endless miles of grass. Except that there was an end, and they had found it. The travelers were weary, their tall shoulders bowed low. Still they rose to the challenge before them, the challenge of the mountains.
Five moons they had followed the setting sun, pursuing the quest set by their chief. To see the Great Water, spoken of by the tribes they traded with, or never return.
The second choice seemed likely. The mountains were capped with snow and larger than any seen by their braves. But their leader said they had no choice, and they followed him.
He had risked his life time and again to keep them safe and would do so again. They followed the setting sun as they had followed many suns before this, but this time to a column of smoke rising from the foothills.
It was not long before the plains dwellers stepped out of the trees into a small clearing. There was a man between them and the fire. "Greetings, travelers," he said in their language. "You have been awaited." Then he raised one hand in the salute of his tribe. "What is your quest?"
submitted by Emily H., age 13, Sparks, NV
(April 10, 2009 - 5:33 pm)
(April 10, 2009 - 5:33 pm)
I like it! Is that the beginning of the book?
(April 10, 2009 - 7:33 pm)
Hmm. That's wierd. I certainly didn't type the whole thing at the top. And I forgot to title it. Sorry. Don't know what happened there.
-Emily
(April 10, 2009 - 9:49 pm)
No, not the beginning of a book, just a short story. Very short. In fact, that's about half the story. :) Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. This is one of the few things that I still liked a couple of weeks after writing it. Usually by that time I can't stand to look at it.
(April 11, 2009 - 9:57 am)
I've seen all that weird stuff show up a couple times before, but I still haven't the foggiest why it does that. Maybe it has to do with a certain kind of computer?
(April 11, 2009 - 2:48 pm)
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Actually it's from when you copy something from a Microsoft
Word document, I think.
(like this)
(April 12, 2009 - 2:42 pm)
No, I think it has some relation to copying and pasting from Microsoft. I've seen it happen, too; it's very weird. Did you c and p, Emily?
And by the way, I like your story. If you're considering publishing, don't post the rest, but if not, I'd love to see the rest and I'm sure everyone else would, too. :)
One thing. In the second and third paragraphs, you use the word "choice" twice, and they (the two uses) have very little relation to each other. I would suggest that for the second time, you change it to "the latter" as opposed to "the second choice."
((Here's where you point out how I overused the word "relation." :) ))
(April 12, 2009 - 5:08 pm)
I think that it has something to do with (maybe?) using a different font in Word before copying and pasting.
(April 13, 2009 - 6:42 pm)
Hmmm. That's weird. I'll try to remember not to do that in the future. And totally off topic - I'm good at that - has anyone noticed that when you read the word "slivered," like refering to almonds, it looks like "silvered" and all of a sudden you think you're going to be eating nuts covered in precious metal? Just a strange, random thought brought on by staring at a box of Rasin Bran for too long.
-Emily the Random
(April 12, 2009 - 10:09 pm)
Phew! I'm not the only random person out there! To prove I'm random: have you ever heard of Diana Wynne Jones, Terry Pratchett or Mercedes Lackey? (All authors).
(April 13, 2009 - 8:22 am)
No, can't say that I've heard of any of them. What have they written? I might recognize some of their works.
-Emily
(April 13, 2009 - 5:06 pm)
All of them have written about a million and one books, but I think I'll stick to one or two (and I suggest you look around for them, if you enjoy reading fantasy). Diana Wynne Jones wrote "Howl's Moving Castle" (if you've seen the movie, it's completely different), "Fire and Hemlock," and a ton more. Terry Pratchett has written the Discworld series, including "The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents" and "The Wee Free Men" and its two sequels, plus a lot more. And, last but not least, Mercedes Lackey has written a lot of pure fantasy, and a lot of fantasy based on legends, like "Beauty and the Beast" and "Sleeping Beauty," etc. Personally, I like the Valdemar collection the best (the fantasy in paralell lands) so far.
(April 13, 2009 - 5:39 pm)
You haven't heard of Diana!!! AAAH!!!! She has written Howl's Moving Castle, Fire and Hemlock, The Game, Dogsbody, The Chrestomanci Chronicles, and The Dalemark Quartet, among many others. She is the GREATEST EVER!!!!!
(April 13, 2009 - 5:52 pm)
Yeah, I cut and paste occasionally. I did with that story because I really didn't want to retype it all. I'm not sure about publishing it, so I don't think I'll post the rest of it yet. I'm not exactly clear on what you mean about my use of the word "choice." I only find one place I use it, but I agree that it could be improved by replacing "the second choice." All right, I've got to do homework, and then I want to finish a couple of stories I'm writing, so adios, all y'all. (For those of you who do not speak fluent Suthurn (accent on the the first syllable and a bit of a drawl on the word Suthurn), all y'all is the plural form of y'all and is generally used to refer to a group of at least three people.) And does anyone else out there speak Spanish at all? I'm in my third and last year of high school Spanish.
-Emily
(April 13, 2009 - 6:41 pm)
"The second choice seemed likely. The mountains were capped with snow and larger than any seen by their braves. But their leader said they had no choice, and they followed him."
First you talk about the "choice" regarding their fate. Then you talk about the "choice" that they don't have about going somewhere, and/or following their leader. The two "choices" have little or no relation to each other, and therefore it is an overusage of a word. And I still say that for the first usage, it might flow better if replaced with "the latter."
Si, I do speak Spanish- not like I could write a novel in Spanish, but I know enough to get by- basic things like colors, classroom items, articles of clothing, parts of the body, etc., and how to ask simple questions, and I can introduce myself. Hola, como estes? Me llamo Maria Isabel Blanco. Although if you take high school Spanish, you're definitely a lot better than I am. Our school requires Spanish, so I've been learning it since kindergarten, but each year is basically a review of last year, so I only know basic things.
Stop rambling (talking to myself). :/
(April 14, 2009 - 11:18 am)
Thanks, Aliza and Jenni. I need to go to the library - I had a couple of books that were due yesterday - so I will definitely check a couple of those out because I do like fantasy. And Mary, I finally get it, and I think you're right. Somehow, if I'm looking for a specific thing I skip right over it. Thanks, y'all!
-Emily
(April 14, 2009 - 4:52 pm)