Chatterbox: Inkwell

Writing Help? 

So I am working on a new story which I will most likely call The End's War. I described the book a little here (and would love some character suggestions!)  http://www.cricketmagkids.com/chatterbox/inkwell/node/233688 So if you want to know more about the book, check there. But anyways, I wanted to share a little bit from each chapter. So far I only have three, though. Note that these paragraphs I am to give are not all from the beginning of each chapter. So if you have any input, feel free to share.

Chapter 1 Segment:

The world is ending, Cass. When it does, trust no one, and leave everyone.

This is what my beloved brother once told me before he was taken – before the world changed. To this day, I sit pondering these words. I cannot forget the first phrase. If the world was ending then, why am I still alive? Why did they take Will and not me? When I try to sleep, his words come back to me. It haunts my soul, tears it to shreds. The world is ending, Cass. 

(That was the first paragraph)

Chapter 2 Segment:

This time, I nearly choke. Will has to grab my arm and guide me down the stairs because my eyes are suddenly blind. I stumble back to my place, but Peter has already gone onstage.

The remainder of the day goes by slowly, now numerous kids hugging and crying. I, on the other hand, am too shaken to do anything. The shock of what has happened is too much. Peter remains silent, but his face is ghostly white and tear-stricken. Poor Peter… he has been here for his whole life. At least we will be together, Will had said. I keep that in my head as the time slowly passes us by. 

Chapter 3 Segment:

“Sorry, Will. I should not have said that. I… I forget sometimes, where you guys come from,” Peter says. “My brain expresses itself too suddenly, I was just upset.”

Just upset… We all are at times. However, today broke the record for the tears cried, I think. The US has chosen half a million teens. Half a million will be leaving their homes tomorrow.

I suddenly get a flashback of my mother’s last day. I had just come back from my second day of first grade, a huge smile on my face. I was exultant for Peter and I made the Quibli Solar System together, found in the second Universe. But my face dropped seeing my mum on that bed. Her skin pale, eyes fluttering, breath breaking. Will already at the bedside, holding her hand. My dad was off crying distinctly in the bathroom. I stood there, in the doorframe, watching with tears in my eyes. Wordlessly, our mum lost fight, let go to the heavens. At that moment, I would never have known my life would change. The one figure I loved would be gone forever, amongst the stars.

“You okay?” Will asks, ignoring Peter.

I continue walking, my mind shutting down once again.

Okay, so those are some segments of the chapters so far. I would love to give the whole story, but I still have so much to work on. And we don't want to give the Admins too much work reading it, now do we?

Also, let me give you the basic rundown on the characters. Will and Cass are siblings (Will is 17, Cass is 15) and Peter is their closest friend (15 as well). Now if you want to see the story line, look at my other thread. I put the link up on top of this post. Also, I apologize for not having more with it. If I gave out more, you could understand the story better. But I wish not to for now, for the length.

So do you guys have any suggestions or anything for the segments? Also, I haven't done any edits yet, being that I just started the book, really. But I am open for any comments and criticism.

And also, I have a problem with passive voice, so if anyone can give me advice on that it would be good. I have only been able to correct a few spots with it.