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So, this is
Chatterbox: Inkwell
So, this is
So, this is basically the place where you write stories and criticize (nicely!) and compliment other people's stories. Here's my story.
~~~
Lily walked into the little cottage with plants growing all around it. The old woman inside looked at her through her big, round glasses.
"Yes, dear?"
Lily looked up at her, so nervous that she was trembling, "Um, I've heard stories of you and what you can do. Um, can you..." Her sentence trailed off, unfinished.
"Why would you want such a thing?"
"It would be a better way to go than... than what's planned." Lily felt tears burning in her eyes, and it was all she could do to keep them from spilling out. Her family was all gone, and what was planned for her was a terrible death. Because, for whatever reason, that's what was done to familyless children. The old woman's ways were better, gentler.
"My family's gone," was all she said. The old woman understood.
She fished a small bottle out of a big pouch and handed it to Lily, uncorking it.
"Here, dear, drink this."
Lily looked at it, and, without hesitation, drank the whole thing down. She sank to the floor, unconcious, and the old woman carried her to the garden, burying her fragile body, happy, knowing that this was what the girl wanted most.
The next morning, a beautiful white lily flower grew out of that spot, alive again, and happy.
~~~
submitted by Alexandra
(July 4, 2016 - 9:48 am)
(July 4, 2016 - 9:48 am)
I really loved your story! The only thing I would take away was the "the cottage with plants all around it." It's a little too descriptive (is there such thing?)
Otherwise, it was super moving, and you should elaborate! Maybe that could be the beginning of a book!
(July 4, 2016 - 10:04 am)
Thanks! I'm not usually really good at writing whole books (I get so many new ideas and basically forget about my old ideas), but I'll think about making it a beginning of of a book!
(July 5, 2016 - 6:38 pm)
(July 5, 2016 - 11:40 am)
I like it, but make it high impact. Mabey take out the end, and end on the 'here, dear. Drink this' so your reader is horrified and shocked, but when the story is over, they are still realing from the horror. I will write later.
(July 5, 2016 - 1:45 pm)
Thanks! What do you mean by high impact? Can you elaborate on that please?
(July 5, 2016 - 6:39 pm)
I write a ton of short stories. I would take out, as stupid as this sounds, all description that is not essential to the story. Make it super fast, and start right in the action. I will try to rewrite it in a way that I would do it, to explain.
(July 6, 2016 - 4:40 pm)
That would make it super dramatic, and some people love that. That's fine with me. If I were you, I would keep as it is. It is perfect. Great job!
(July 5, 2016 - 7:41 pm)
Hmm. Not really my type of story, but it was pretty good. Slightly reminiscent of the Grimm Brothers.
I can post my (updated) prologue to the Charrie sheet story. I don't have an official name for it yet.
(July 6, 2016 - 6:56 am)
Alexandra, I love the story! It has a sick little way about it that gave me goosebumps. Usually young girls would never think of doing such a thing. But in her world, I guess that is different.
While I see Brooklyn's view on getting rid of the "with plants growing all around it" part, I have to disagree. It shows symbolism, the plants representing all the children she has spared from a greater death.
Great job, Alexandra, I loved it!
(July 6, 2016 - 4:55 pm)
Here is my 'high impact' shortened edition;
Lily walked into the little cottage. The old wood of the door mirrored the age of the sole occupant; and old woman.
"Yes, dear?"
Lily looked up at her, so nervous that she was trembling, "Um, I've heard stories of what you can do. Can you, um-" Her sentence was cut off by the old woman.
"Yes dear", she said, grimly.
"It would be a better way to go than... than what's planned." Lily felt tears burning in her eyes, and she let them fall. Who would care.
Her family was all gone, and their only legacy was a painful death. Because, that's what was done to orphans. The goverment talked only of the cost of the orphans, not of the lives lost. The old woman's ways were better, gentler, more mercyful.
The old woman fished a small bottle out of a big pouch and handed it to Lily, uncorking it.
"Here, dear, drink this."
The next day, in the harsh soil, a single lily bloomed where the girl was buried.
Like it?
(July 6, 2016 - 4:56 pm)
Yeah, I like it! Thanks for revising it!
(July 6, 2016 - 8:29 pm)
The story is sooooooooo good. I may have sounded overdemanding earlier, but I really like what you did. Like, really a lot.
(July 6, 2016 - 10:03 pm)
Now all it needs is to be proofread, and let's just say I know a guy. Well, technically a girl. *Winks*
(July 7, 2016 - 4:53 pm)
This was not ment to be an actual story, just an example of a short story revised for action.
(July 7, 2016 - 5:58 pm)
Well. My apologies for being too eager to proofread "something not 'ment' to be an actual story, just an example of a short story revised for action."
(July 8, 2016 - 9:43 am)