HEY, EVERYBODY! Thanks

Chatterbox: Inkwell

HEY, EVERYBODY! Thanks

HEY, EVERYBODY! Thanks for looking at this. Will everyone give me constuctive critiscm on these poems? Thanks. ( I am not very good and jotted these down in about five minutes)

 

The phone is ringing

Buzzing, Annoying

Bringing me out

Of my trance

Bringing me back

To Reality

The phone is ringing

A ringtone, loud

Making me get up

Out of habit

Making me get up

Out of habit

(My best friend said it didn't make sense, but it does to me.)

 

We are the same

But different

We share everything

But are separate

We don't agree

But we need each other

Friends

Thanks for reading these. I don't think they are very good though.

submitted by Olivia W., age 13, school computer
(April 22, 2009 - 1:56 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Hi, Olivia. I like them both. In the first one, there's something about the second and eighth line that I don't like. I think it actually is better if those two lines are taken out. I like the repeated lines at the end a lot - don't know why, though. :) I don't have any comments about the second one except that I like the structure. I would add periods at the ends of the sixth and seventh lines, but I think that's just personal preference. Hope that helps! If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to let you know.

 

-Emily

submitted by Emily H. :), age 13, Sparks, NV
(April 22, 2009 - 10:48 pm)

I am one of Olivia's best freinds who didn't think that poem made sense but those two lines were what bugged me .I completely agree with you.

submitted by Anna T.
(May 19, 2009 - 10:14 pm)

They're great! I like the style of them.

submitted by Lena G, age 11
(April 23, 2009 - 7:30 am)

I like them! I personally like the second one best, but they're both

cool...and I like that your style is unique. Keep it up!:)

submitted by Megan M, age 13, Ohio
(April 23, 2009 - 8:01 pm)

Unless it's really, really awful- say, a pathetically forced attempted rhyming poem- I don't think there's such thing as a bad poem. With all respect to Emily, I don't think it would be any better should you change a thing. I actually liked the second and eighth lines- I mean, I loved them all, but those two especially. Also, I think that in most cases, a poem with punctuation doesn't flow as well as one without (with some exceptions).

On the whole, I really liked both. They sort of seemed to connect to each other, if you know what I mean. I could really visualize the first one especially. Good job! :)

submitted by Mary W., age 11 and one, NJ
(April 24, 2009 - 3:02 pm)

Thanks for reviewing those. I kinda like the way my style is but how is it diff.?

submitted by Olivia W., age 13, school computer
(April 24, 2009 - 3:16 pm)