The Five Doors

Chatterbox: Inkwell

The Five Doors

The Five Doors Series

This is a book I'm writing. Feel free to compliment, critique, and suggest! (Please, please, PLEASE don't just be nice to make me feel good. If I made a mistake, or something doesn't make sense, or you just don't like the plot, say so! I want criticism here, people! Be truthful!) Also, I would love someone to copy-edit this!

Chapter One

THUD

____________________~~~~~______________________

 

I sat calmly in the sky tram as it rattled along the line. The distance from myself to the ground didn't bother me much, and neither did the fact that if the sky tram happened to snap off the flimsy line, I would plummet 30,000 feet to my death. I didn't really mind, either, that looking out the window, an eerily empty chasm waited silently for my doom. Ok, maybe I was a little worried by the prospect, but I remained calm and composed for the entirety of my ride, bumpy and creaky or not. As the noisy sky tram made its way slowly along the line, a tall stone building materialized out of the mist. It looked out of place on the rocky mountainside, towering up unevenly, and yet, it also looked like it belonged. I took a mental picture of the strangely interesting building so that I would make certain not to forget it. I had a very good memory, and could lock things into my brain and make them stay there forever. It was weird, but then again, I liked weird. 

 

The sky tram jolted to a stop, hurling me to the other side of the car. I stood up and shook myself off, a little shaken from the bump, but otherwise in tact. The doors of the tram car slid open squeaking, and I stepped out onto a platform. The platform that I had stepped onto was old and creaky, much like the tram car, and I wasn't exactly eager to tread on the rotting planks of the bridge, especially since the consequences of falling could, and would, be fatal. But nevertheless, I didn't let it get to me, and resolved to put my total and complete trust in the unstable bridge. After all, it had lasted this long, hadn't it? What could a few more light steps from a girl my size do? I walked swiftly but softly along the bridge, my heart skipped a beat every time the boards squeaked, and many of the boards were missing, but eventually, after what seemed like a thousand years, I made it across the treacherous platform and onto solid ground. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding, and walked on. The ground was rocky and bumpy, but I was much more comfortable here than on either the rotting bridge, or in the breaking sky tram. I reached a long pathway made of stones of different sizes and shapes, all worn with age and many feet treading upon it. I trotted briskly along until I reached large oak double doors. I reached out and pressed the big brass doorbell. Silence. It wasn't surprising in the quietness that had been ringing in my ears since I was brought here, though I had been expecting sound. I resorted to the doors, hoping they were unlocked. They were as heavy as they looked, and once I had a firm grip on the shiny brass handles, it took me three tries until I finally heaved both doors open. "Hello?" I called into darkness. No one seemed to be here, or if they were, they were hiding. The lights were off, and a damp and musky scent made its way into my nostrils. The grim silence was getting to me, and a cool breeze sent chills down my spine. I wrapped my thin jacket tighter around my body and turned to leave. If there was no one here, there was no reason to stay, either. Although it didn't make any sense, the call must have been a hoax. I would've gone home, told my family, and after dinner, curled up in bed with my dog. And after that my life would've gone on as usual. As if the phone call had never come, I had never been brought here, or ridden in the sky tram, or gone across the chasm on a rotting old bridge, or tried the door. At least that's what would've happened. If I didn't hear a THUD behind me. 

submitted by Leeli
(December 18, 2016 - 9:24 am)

back to the Inkwell

I LOVE IT!!!

submitted by Pepper Star
(December 18, 2016 - 11:45 am)

Thank you! :D :D :D I will post the next chapter soon. 

submitted by Leeli
(December 19, 2016 - 9:40 am)

Chapter Two

What the THUD was ___________________~~~~~_____________________
I whirled around, hazelnut-brown hair whipping me in the face. I brushed it out of the way, for the sight before me was much more important than making sure my hair looked alright. What stood before me was a sight so surprising, so intriguing, so scary, that I should have screamed and run away right that moment. But I didn't. Instead I just stared at two closed doors. The sight of two closed would ordinarily be the most normal thing anyone could ever see. That is, except for the fact that I forgot to close the doors behind me when I walked away from the towering building. And that no one that I knew of was there to close the doors. That left only two reasonable reasons for the doors to have closed. Either they closed by themselves, or the wind blew them closed. But The wind was much to light a breeze to close doors of that size and weight, not to mention it would make this a boring story. So that left only one reason I could think of that the doors should close with a THUD. They did it themselves. This thought should have frightened me, should have sent me running home. But alas, my curiosity won over fear in this battle, and I marched straight back into that house, with no trouble opening the doors. If I hadn't barged in, eyes wide and mind beckoning, I might have given more thought to how light the doors were this time in. All of a sudden, the doors slammed shut, and everything went pitch black. I screamed. I might not have been afraid if hights, rickety bridges, self-closing doors, or strange buildings, but if there was one thing in the world that could get me out of my usual calm and composed state of mind (and probably the only thing) it was the dark. As long as light was streaming in somewhere, I was okay, but this, this was just too much. I started groping around franticly for a light switch, or the doors, but all my hands latched not was inky blackness. I screamed again. The darkness surrounded me, enshrouded me, enclosed me, it seemed to swallow me and everything good and happy. I began to cry in agony. I would be stuck here forever, alone, in the dark, and no one would know where I was or how to find me. There was no way out, no way to find light. I could never see the sunny daylight again! I didn't wallow in my own self pity for long, though, before I heard an ominous snort (if a snort can be called ominous). The lights switched back on, and before me stood a small pink hog, dappled with brown-grey patches and a snout from which to dull looking tusks protruded, purple like the rest of its snout. One hoof rested on the wall, and one hoof rested on a light switch. After I had gotten over my initial shock, I burst into laughter. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. It felt good to laugh after what seemed like desperate despair. I was laughing partly at the pig and his strange purple snout, partly at myself, for being so irrational and silly, and part.y at the whole situation which seemed utterly ridiculous. After my fit of laughter was over, and the pig had stopped staring at me like I was a maniac, I began to take mental pictures. I started with the pig, I wouldn't want to forget him, of course, and then moved on to the building itself. It seemed quite like an eighteenth century mansion, with exquisite paintings on the walls and murals in the ceiling, and fine craftsmanship on the furniture and staircases. It was old, but not abandoned. Someone must live here. I felt like many mysteries had been solved, but there were still many questions to answer. A tall butler (he looked so much like the butler type I couldn't think of him as anything but a butler) in a suit walked out and saw me looking around at the place as if I were on a tour, or were at a museum. "Excuse me miss, can I help you with anything?" I jumped at the sudden sound of voice other than the hogs and my own. I was so caught up in that he was a butler, and every good butler has a British accent, that I payed barely any attention to his accent, even if he was in the middle of the U.S. "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, no, am I interrupting anything?" I said, quite flustered. "No, not at all. Are you here for anything in particular?" I regained my manners and answered, "Yes sir, I'm here for the AEC trials." I pulled out the business card I had been keeping in the back pocket of my jeggings and showed it to Butler. "Ah, right this way miss."  Butler led me up the stairs into a large room filled with soft looking furniture and bright colors. The second floor was much more modern, and didn't look like it belonged in the house as the first floor with its antique decor and old-fashioned design. "This is the waiting room, miss. Mr. Salt will be seeing you shortly." With that, Butler left, and I settled myself in a cushioned white chair in the center of the room. I looked around, trying to get my bearings. At the front of the room was a desk, like at a hotel lobby. In fact, the entire room looked like a hotel lobby. On a small white love seat in the corner if the room sat a girl around thirteen. She had shoulder-length blonde hair with what looked like natural streaks of brown. She had pretty blue eyes and ivory skin. She wore strange but fashionable clothes, and looked shy. She checked her watch before casting a nervous glance across the room to the front desk. Beside her, on a sofa by the big window in the room, sat a pudgy boy with large gray eyes and very little hair. He was eating a banana. He also had a blue backpack with bananas on it, and I wondered if he kept extra bananas in it in case of emergency. Beside him on the couch was a girl. This wouldn't have been strange by itself, but what made it strange was that she was pink. Yes, entirely pink. She had birthday cake pink sneakers, peach pink sweatpants, a speckled pink belt, a light pink shirt that said PINK, hot pink lip stick, bubble gum pink blush, ballet pink eyeshadow, and neon pink steaks in her hair. When she caught me staring at her, she smiled her pink smile and waved one pink-polished hand. I smiled back, then caught sight of another boy sitting on one cushion of a small couch. He was your average tween boy, brown hair, tall lanky figure, freckles, blue eyes, but something about him told me he wasn't all what he seemed. And neither were anyone else here. They had probably all gotten the phone call, too. I remembered this morning. It had started out as an average day; I woke up to the sweet chirping of the chickadee which lived outside my window, threw my covers in a heap on the floor, and breathed a happy sigh. Yesterday was Friday, which meant today was Saturday, which meant no school! I was homeschooled, for reasons that vary so much I don't care to mention them. But even homeschool wasn't as great as weekends. I threw on some clothes, and marched downstairs to eat breakfast. I was an only child, but not a lonely child! I had plenty of friends to keep me company. For instance, Colby, the cat who wandered round the neighborhood, Chirry, the afore mentioned chickadee, Gunner, an old hound dog who came round once in a while for food, and a tame groundhog named Cadbury. As for human friends, they weren't plentiful in my life, but I'd planned to introduce myself the new Russian girl who had just moved on down the street. I had one best friend, but she lived in Alaska, and that was a long way from Arkansas, where I lived. I was happy adventuring around the small town where I made my home, and I always found plenty to do. Whether it was adding a new painting to my wall, R a new board to my treehouse. I had planned to map a new section of the forest behind my house today, but today, things didn't go as planned. As I lifted the last cheerio to my mouth, the phone rang. I dropped my spoon with a clatter in the bowl, and dashed over before my dad got to it. We always raced for the phone. It was a sort of game we had. "This is the Anderson residence, how may I be of assistance?" Was the first thing I said into the phone. A deep voice told me this was a classified message for the ears of miss Viola Lana Anderson only. I knew it was important not only because they used my middle name, but also my full first name  (I was often called Vi by family and friends) and last name, as well as the added 'Miss'. I answered by saying, "I am she. I understand." What was whispered through the line next was this: I had apparently been chosen for some Academy for Extraordinary Children, or the AEC. I would be tested, and if I passed, trained at the academy. Out of the bottom of the phone slid a business card. Or at least, that was the size of it. It had Official Academy for Rarely Gifted Children printed in gold lettering, and underneath it said, This confirms that Miss Viola Lana Anderson is qualified for the Academy, and that if she pass the trials, she will be trained in the art of the echos. I had no idea what this meant, but I decided to go. I flipped the card, and on the back was a map with instructions. A taxi came to pick me up, and my parents said it was okay if I went to this 'Academy'. The taxi driver said if I passed the test, a notice would be sent to my parents, and I would stay at the academy for two weeks, before coming home for a single weekend. Everything would be explained then, he said. And if I didn't pass, I would be taken straight back home, and everyone could forget anything ever happened. My parents handed me a phone in case I needed to call them or the police on case of emergency. They were saving it for my birthday, but they had decided this was an appropriate time, as well. I smiled and thanked them, then hugged them and hopped into the taxi. The taxi dropped me off at the sky tram station, and I was on my own from there. I cast a glance over at the front desk. No one was at the desk, as you would suspect. Instead, a neat stack of business cards were arranged in a card holder on top of the desk, and a phone sat there, waiting to be used. There wasn't a trace of human life near that desk, and I began to wonder what it was for, when the pig marched into the room from the desk, and handed me a piece of golden paper. He did the same for the other children. Mine read, Mr. Salt wishes to see Miss Viola Lana Anderson in his office alone to question her. I decided that's what all the papers said, because all the children got up and followed the pig, including myself. He led us down a long hallway, which ended in five doorways. The first doorway was blue and had a banana above it. The short fat kid immediately rushed in. The next doorway had the word PINK written over it in sparkly fuchsia lettering. The pink girl's jaw dropped, and she looked at the pig. He nodded to her, and she walked happily in. The next door had a Russian flag above it, and the shy girl walked through, looking confused. That's when I realized she was the Russian girl who had just moved in down the street. I had a sudden urge to meet her, and ask her name, but she was already through the doorway. The next doorway had a strange emerald crest on it, and I looked as confusedly at it as the one boy left did. Then he shot a glance at the last doorway. A paint palette. I felt sure this one was for me, but the boy took one good look at the green emblem above this door, and rushed through the other. I groaned inwardly. I loved to paint, and so far everyone's doorways had had something above it to do with them! And what this emerald symbol had to do with the strange boy, I had no idea, but I was sure it had even less to do with me! Reluctantly, I marched through the only doorway left. Knowing it was the wrong one sent a ripple of dread through my stomach. What would happen? Would I be tested unfairly? Sent home, all because of this stranger who made a mistake? But I forgot the incident altogether when I saw what was ahead. 
submitted by Leeli
(December 19, 2016 - 9:41 am)

Top!

submitted by Leeli
(December 19, 2016 - 2:34 pm)

This is wonderful! Just one thing- in the second chapter, when you said 'that would have made this story boring' or somethign like it, the narrator doesn't know that she's in a story. I think it might owrk better if it was in third person, and if the narrator was going back and telling the story, kind of like Lemony Snicket's writing style? This is just a suggestiong, though, and you don't have to follow it!

submitted by Alexandra
(December 19, 2016 - 4:44 pm)

<3 this

submitted by someone, age secret, not telling
(December 19, 2016 - 6:59 pm)

Thanks!

submitted by Leeli
(December 20, 2016 - 10:45 am)

I may die in amazement. 

submitted by Pepper Star
(December 19, 2016 - 7:17 pm)

Aw, thanks! You just made my day! :-)

submitted by Leeli
(December 20, 2016 - 10:45 am)

This is fantastic, Leeli! Your writing is very descriptive and interesting. The only thing I would suggest is dividing it into paragraphs, unless that is not your style, which is totally fine. I think it might make it easier to read.

Can't wait for Chapter 3! 

submitted by Bluebird
(December 19, 2016 - 9:24 pm)

Thanks Bluebird! Yes, I will be paragraphing/proofreading/editing after I finish this. For now, I'm just trying to get there. ;-)

@Alexandra 

Thank you for pointing that out. I was planning for it to maybe be like this: the story has already played out, and the narrarator is going back and telling it. If I don't do that, I'll be sure to edit that part.

Aaaaaannnnd now I'm crying because of one of those sad animal commercials. :,-( I'm such a sucker XD im telling you, people can make so much money off of me if they show me sad animals. XD

also, I'm planning to change my main charrie's name. Any ideas? 

submitted by Leeli
(December 20, 2016 - 10:44 am)

I am so relieved. I thought chapter three got deleted, but I found it in an email! Here it is.

Chapter 3

Steven____________________~~~~~~__________________

 

My eyes bulged, my jaw dropped, and a small gasp escaped my mouth. What was standing less than ten feet away from me what utterly shocking and altogether discombobulating. I took a deep breath and straightened my shirt. Once I had regained my composure, I managed to squeak out a decent "Hello," to the elephant. I was fairly comfortable with animals. That is to say, domestic, or small and virtually harmless animals. An elephant was a whole different story. I decided eventually that an elephant, being an herbivore, and seemingly trained, as it wasn't charging me, was probably safe enough. So I walked up to it, very slowly, but not in a stalking way, and whispered softly so as not to scare it. "I know this must be quite a shock to you, too, but please don't be afraid. I don't know quite what's going on myself, or how you got here, or if you're supposed to be in this hall. But I'm not exactly the harmful type, especially to someone of your size, wouldn't you say? So if I could just get past you and go on with my day..." The elephant made a little trumpet and took a wary step back, watching me. "Ssshhhh... Good elephant." I reached a hand out ever so slowly and stroked the rough leathery skin. It was then that I noticed a small golden medallion hung around the elephant's neck by a braided cord of green red and white twine. Engraved on the medallion was a single word: Steven. "So that's your name." I said half to myself, half to Steven, as I turned the medallion over in my hands. He trumpeted quietly and wrapped his trunk around a portion of my hair. "Hey! Cut it out!" I laughed as I knocked his trunk away. Steven seemed to be warming up to me. On the backside of the medallion another message was engraved. Ride Me. I was shocked at thought of this. Getting close to Steven to pet him was one thing, but ride? An elephant I had only known for less than a minute, and someone wanted me to ride him? I finally took notice of the saddle on Steven's back. I had seen it, but I hadn't thought anything if it until now. It was a little burgundy saddle, with golden cord lining the seams. It sat on a quilted blue blanket with gold tassels. The saddle wasn't like a horse saddle. For one, it was much bigger, and it was also wider and flatter, too. One small stirrup hung on the right side of the elephant, dangling not much lower than one of the tassels. This was going to be a challenge. Not only was the stirrup quite high, but I was left handed, and had a dominant left leg as well. I looked up, and realized that Steven wasn't wearing any reigns either. I wasn't supposed to control him with no reigns and nothing to hold onto, was I? I was. "Here we go." I sighed. "Alright big fella, don't mind me." I said as I stuffed my right boot into the stirrup. "Here goes nothin'!" I said just before I swung my left leg over the large creature's back. "Uh, Giddy Up?" I offered. Steven didn't budge. I slapped his side. "Come on! Let's go!" He still wouldn't move a muscle. "Ugg. Please?" Was my last hopeless try. Steven shot off like a dart. I let out a little screech, and regained my balance. Steven stomped around two sharp curves before we reached an open room. "Whoa boy!" I finally managed to say. I hopped off Steven's back, my heart still pounding from the wild ride. My legs trembled with both shock and relief, but I managed to steady myself and find a rope attached to a ring on the wall to tie the elephant up with. Fortunately, in the room was a large purple door. I immediately went over to it and turned the knob. It was locked, of course. I sighed. I should've known. But then something caught my eye in the center of the room. It was a piece of paper. I read it. It only said, Burundi. Burundi? It sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it. Wait! It was a country in Africa! I remembered my dad telling me that Burundi was shattered, once when I accidentally knocked the globe off the shelf. But what did it mean? It had to be a clue. I looked around the room, and a globe caught my eye. I ran over and took the globe gingerly from its place on the desk. Once I had lifted it down, I traced my finger across Africa until I found Burundi. Now what? Then I realized Burundi stuck out from the other countries. I touched it again, and this time it pulled out, revealing a key. I unlocked the door, then put the key back, and put Burundi back in place. I said goodbye to Steven, then walked into the next room, not knowing what it would hold. What it did hold was probably the farthest thing from my mind, even after Steven the Elephant. After crossing the threshold from the Burundi room, I found myself in an octagonal room, each wall a different shade of blue. Six tough looking kids, all dressed in blue, some girls, some boys, but all with nasty sneers on their faces, advanced from the corners of the room. They held in their hands rocks. My pace began to quicken as I headed closer to the door, hoping to avoid any danger these children might offer. My heart started to pound harder behind my rib cage as one Asian girl with black pigtails and narrowed eyes grabbed my arm. "Where do think you're going without permission?"  She asked sharply. I jerked my arm away. "Whose permission? And who do you think you are, just grabbing innocent girl's arms and jerking them around?" She raised an eyebrow as if surprised by my reaction. "Whoever can do ten front handsprings across the floor wins. I dare ya."

 

"You've got a deal." I said with new passion.  I rolled up my sleeves, popped my wrists, and did a few stretches. I then took a good long look at the floor in front of me. I calculated about ten handsprings would fit into the space. I then reached both arms up above my head, stood with both feet together, and breathed in and out slowly. I then launched into the first handspring. My hands hit the floor, and I launched back onto my feet. I repeated this process across the floor nine times, but when my hands hit the floor for the tenth time, I felt a sharp pain shooting up my wrist. It flowed into my arm, and I collapsed on the floor. The great rush of anger and disappointment that hit me was almost worse than the pain. I looked at my wrist. Then I twisted it around in circles. It was still sore, but nothing serious. The thought that I could've sprained or even broken the worst angered me though. I stood up. "What we're thinking?! I could have sprained my wrist doing that!" I shouted at the Asian girl. "Not my fault. Bad technique is all that ever gets anyone hurt in handsprings." She countered haughtily. She raised her hands, and nailed ten perfect handsprings across the floor, ending in a cartwheel just to show off. She landed just in front of me. She stepped two feet closer and stuck her face in mine. She was so close I could have licked her nose, which was so repulsive a thought, I almost wanted to, just to make her mad. I could smell her minty breath and feel it hot on my cheeks. "You lose. So sad." She mocked before turning away. It foolish of me to try to beat someone who had obviously taken gymnastics, where I had only learned handsprings from a friend. "I should've expected to lose. I'm not exactly a talented gymnast." I chuckled as I talked to the girl. "You did your handsprings beautifully." 

"Not to pat myself on the back, but I'd have to agree. I'm only the three time gymnastics and hurtling champion of the country." She bragged. I had just paid her a compliment, but all this girl can do is turn it around and brag on herself? What a little snot. "Come." She said, and led me over to the lightest blue wall. Then the walls separated, leaving an opening for me to walk through. And waiting for me just over the threshold was the hog. He snorted and led me through yet another hall to two large double doors. Two kid security guards opened the doors and let me in. The girl followed us, along with the other bullies and Steven. A man sat behind a desk in the room, and two dogs napped in beds by his feet. Large dobermans by the look of them.  Embroidered on their beds were the names Daisy and Minnie. Hardly the right description for these two. They stared at me with stone-cold glares, but not another muscle in their muscular bodies moved. At a desk in the middle of the room sat a man. He was tall, big, bald, and had sharp features. He wasn't the kind, soft, warm man I had expected to be running this organization, but rather the opposite. "Ah, thank you, Frederick. And Mia. You may go." I figured Mia was the Gymnast girl, and Frederick was the hog. "Frederick, your snout is purple. Have you been stealing blueberries again?" Frederick snorted, his eyes grew wide, and he exited the room, followed by Mia. The kid security guards and bullies left as well. I stood at attention in front of the man, waiting for him to say more. Finally, I spoke. "You must be Mr. Salt," I said uncertainly. "I am Horace Cruft. You may call me General Cruft." He said, rather gruffly. "You are not the first out of your hall, but among the first three. You have passed." I was confused. "But, the slip said Mr. Salt wanted to see me and question me. And what did I pass?" Cruft, whom I refused to think of as general, closed his eyes and lowered his head. He sighed. "The test. You passed. I don't care what your slip said. I'm not Salt, and I'm not going to question you." I was still confused as to what test I had passed, and seeing this, Cruft continued. "Everything you had to overcome in the hall was a test. You showed bravery, determination, intelligence, and skill in more than one area. Exactly what we need." Normally, my heart would've leapt with joy at this news, but the way Cruft had said it made it sound like I had failed, rather than succeeded. Cruft stood and came over to me. "Not everyone passed. You're lucky to have made it as far as you did. And don't get too cocky." I was puzzled as to why he said what he did, but he exited the room before I had a chance to ask. I followed Mr. Cruft out of the room, and down a narrow passageway, where he disappeared behind a curtain. "Wait!" I called. "Where are you going?" But there was no reply. I had no idea what lay beyond the curtain, but Mr. Cruft was already well on his way there. "Miss, shall I show you to your room?" I started at the voice, and spun around to see it was just the Butler, whose name I did not yet know. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" I half yelled in frustration. The butler almost seemed hurt by this, which was strange, and I quickly apologized and conceded to go to the said room, wherever it was. The butler, whatever his name was, took me down a long chamber, which ended in a staircase. We ascended it, and at the top it was cold and drafty. I looked up through a set of spiral stairs which seemed to go up forever. At the top, the ceiling came to a point, and along the walls there were narrow windows between hard stone bricks. A turret. "Well miss, I must leave you to find your own way from here. Up the stairs and to your right there will be a large oaken door. Through that you will find a bedchamber big enough for four." With that, he turned and left me standing there, speechless, and not quite sure what to do. 

 

"Wait!" The word echoed around in the empty room. The butler turned around and a moment passed before either of us said anything. "I don't believe I ever got your name." I said after a moment. The butler's cheeks turned as red as ripe tomatoes, and he suddenly became very interested in his feet. "Oh, well, I usually just go by sir," He said sheepishly. "Well I just won't settle for that. I'm sorry, but it's your real name or nothing." Was my firm reply. He looked up for moment and pursed his lips. He seemed to be weighing his options. Then he looked at me. "Christopher." He said. "That's nice. Why don't you share it with people?" I asked. "Well, I'm not too fond of the name myself." Said Christopher. Then he turned and walked away. But he stopped just before the threshold and, without turning his head, said. "And I say, if you must pester me by using that name, whatever you do, don't call me Chris!" I could hardly hold in my laughter, and as soon as he was out of sight, I burst out laughing, and the merry sound echoed throughout the chamber like a thousand tiny bells, until the last hysterical jingles of it had died away.  

submitted by Leeli
(December 20, 2016 - 11:35 am)

I love the story Leeli!!! Can't wait for the next chapter!! But one thing I noticed was that, while the first and second chapters were very detailed, the start of the first chapter was filled with Steven the elephant. So while, it was definitely interesting, I was a bit confused on what was happening and where. 

Lydia says azxx. Ask who? 

submitted by Starbringer
(December 20, 2016 - 5:57 pm)

Hmmm, what do you mean? Thanks! I'll try to fix it. 

submitted by Leeli
(December 20, 2016 - 6:13 pm)

Well, there wasn't a lot of description about where the main character was. Did she just step into another room, what exactly is Steven running through, etc. A short phrase inserted into a sentence would be really helpful. Example:

"My eyes bulged, my jaw dropped, and a small gasp escaped my mouth. What was standing less than ten feet away from me was utterly shocking and altogether discombobulating. I took a deep breath and straightened my shirt. Once I had regained my composure, I managed to squeak out a decent 'Hello' to the elephant <blocking the long hallway in front of me>.

A short, but to the point, descriptive phrase might give a sense of direction to the paragraph. But please don't get me wrong, this story is amazing!!!! It's a lot of fun to read while I'm taking a  break from studying too :)

submitted by Starbringer
(December 20, 2016 - 6:52 pm)
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