Chatterbox: Inkwell

Sharing writing! 

In my regularly scheduled annual revisitation of the CB, I've found that I really kind of miss one of the Inkwell's original purposes, which was of course sharing things you've written and then offering feedback / criticism / etc. The way I imagine this working is that, like, one of us posts a WIP or segment of something we've been working on, and then anyone who wants to offers feedback, and at any moment someone jumped in and shared something of their own. 

I would really appreciate it, if this thread takes off, if everyone's writing got people commenting on it, because back in the day I knew how it felt to be overlooked in a thread and I don't want that happening to anyone. 

Anyway, I guess I'll go first with something short and a bit gimmicky - it's a reworking of a school assignment from eighth grade, a sort of diary-style recounting of a girl's familiarization with the social tension of the 1920s. I've left a FEW historical notes on things, but if they come off as condescending I promise I don't mean for them to be. I'm sure a lot of you already know them.

January 1, 1926

It's been six years now since Mother died, and five since father, and only now my cousin Clarence remembers - she's gone ahead and left me her old diaries, and my grandmother's as well. I suppose I understand why he waited - I'm not up for kidding myself. He was all scared when little thirteen-year-old me went to live with him - mother a settlement house worker, proper occupation if a bit of a shame that she's wasting herself on the poor, but then she had to go and marry a Wobbly*, too. All their respective friends must have wondered why they looked at each other twice! But I was the product of everything my darling cousin, a whole twelve years older than me, hated about the first two decades of our glorious century. And if my mother's journals contained coded directions to free Eugene Debs** from prison, it's all out of date now. Which is a relief for Clarence, I'll only bet. 

But I'm a right boring person really, hair still long like I'm trapped in King Edward's English reign, because not only don't I have the guts in me to dress even a little bit flapper, I'm not even up to date on normal fashion. I just know Clarence loves that about me, thinks it's a relief. 
So my name is Evelyn Thompson, and I'm right unsure where to start if it comes down to the family tradition of keeping a diary. But that hasn't stopped me talking, as you can see. Clarence's got more issues with me over that, too. He's inherited all the family money, see - I don't get a penny of it. And he's gotten big in stock, too, though I daresay everyone's big in stock these days. 
Clarence is afraid of everything - jazz and the Charleston and the flappers and the Socialists, anything you can think of. He was scared of me, even, a few years back, because Father had died at last and I came up to Clarence's right as Palmer's raids*** were starting off. It's like that - I remember the 19th amendment and the 18th, and I remember the bombings and those arrests. By my parents' reactions. And then I remember Harding elected, a return to normalcy, the kind of normalcy Clarence must've dreamed of fresh out of the Great War. But I think Harding's election maybe hammered a nail into Mother and Father's coffins. Their era was over, you see? America had ceased its brief insanity - not that we haven't plunged into a different breed of one, of course. 
And I was too young, not Progressive enough - or whatever Father was - he never called himself a Progressive, I remember that too - to follow them out into wherever they are now. I can't change now, you see, not for the life of me. I'm not up with the fashion trends and I've never broken the law, though I think Clarence has, and he wouldn't let me see The Sheik**** when it came out and I didn't even feel I wanted to, and I don't vote and I don't need any activism for the right to, I just don't. All in all, it's a greatly dull person, that's all I really am. That's all I am! And I don't mind so much, only I daresay Mother and Father might be all disappointed in me in Heaven. Only Clarence would say they're in Hell, of course. And I don't know. Remember the Scopes trial a year back? - if Darrow can talk humans into being evolved from monkeys, I know for a fact my ma and pa could talk the devil himself into anything*****. They're probably down there advocating the demons' right to strike. 

* A 'Wobbly' is a member of the Industrial Workers of the World, a labor union that was considered to be full of crazy socialists by basically everyone else. 
** Eugene Debs was a candidate for president under the Socialist party and got arrested for opposing World War I. This and the reference to Wobblies is meant to convey that Evelyn's parents are WAY further left than anyone in their time or Evelyn's felt comfortable with. 
*** The first Red Scare. 
**** Extremely raunchy-for-the-twenties (and racist!) movie that made quite a big impression at the time for how raunchy it was. Kind of the 50 Shades of Gray of that era, if you will. 
***** Highly publicized trial in re: teaching evolution in schools. Clarence Darrow was a famous attorney who worked on the case. 
submitted by Katia
(August 24, 2017 - 8:55 am)

back to the Inkwell

Cool! I like the style and tone of the writing.

submitted by Pepper Star
(August 25, 2017 - 9:08 am)

Top! Poke, top!

submitted by TOP! TOP! TOP! TOP! , age Topppity!, Top.
(August 26, 2017 - 12:37 pm)

I love historical fiction, so this is great! The voice of the character is distinctive, and you really get a good sense of what her life was like. However, the first bit was a little confusing for me:

"It's been six years now since Mother died, and five since Father, and only now my cousin Clarence remembers — she's gone ahead and left me her old diaries, and my grandmother's as well." 

The em-dash is sort of puzzling, which could be easily remedied by replacing it with the word "that", making the sentence more cohesive.

Also, the train of thought is only related to Mother's death, and adding mention of Father's in there throws it off course. I would probably just take that part out. You do mention Evelyn's lack of parents elsewhere in the story, so it's not necessary.

For example: "It's been six years now since mother died, and only now does my cousin Clarence remember that she's gone ahead and left me her old diaries, and my grandmother's as well."

You could also do something like this: "Father died five years ago, and Mother one before him, yet it is only now that my cousin Clarence remembers that Mother has gone ahead and left me her old diaries, and my grandmother's as well."

I hope I'm not being too nitpicky! Your writing is awesome and I love all the little fun tidbits of history you've thrown in. It's clear that this is very well-researched. 

submitted by Abigail S., age 13, Nose in a Book
(August 28, 2017 - 12:25 pm)

Wow omg that's SUCH A GOOD POINT? I've gotten so used to introducing them in the same breath that I totally overlooked the fact that it totally messes up the point of the journals thing. In fact, I don't actually know if the journals thread will carry over from the initial draft, so thank you SO MUCH for pointing that out. 

Also, Admins, I know this is going to seem very silly, but in my second footnote, if it isn't too much trouble, could you change 'International' to 'Industrial', please? That mistake's been bugging me ever since I submitted the post.

Thank you so much to you both! 

 

Done.

Admin

submitted by Katia
(August 28, 2017 - 9:37 pm)