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As the Castle
As the Castle Fades
My Camp NaNo Novel
Proofreaders and Editors Wanted (the more the merrier)
So...I am 20,000 words into a virtually unedited novel. I would love some tough critiques on it, but, for privacy reasons, I won’t be posting my novel in its entirety on the CB. If you are interested in proofreading, please NaNomail/chat me. I have the class code if anyone needs it. To those who don’t have NaNo, I’m not trying to exclude you in any way, shape, or form!
A huge thank you to Vyolette for being my first editing buddy throughout April. My writing would be a complete and utter mess without your amazing critiques! Please keep ‘em coming; I value your comments so much!
I’ll post a synopsis and beginning segment here. *cringes*
Without further ado...As the Castle Fades!
Synopsis: Amira and Penny live in the same world, but lead two drastically different lives. In their world, depending on what family you are born into, you are given a name beginning with a specific letter. The lower the letter in the alphabet, the lower your rank.
Princess Amira hates her life in the royal palace and the class system. Penny is a traveling merchant with a difficult life but a happy, close-knit family. When a rebellion begins, Penny and Amira are thrown together to change the world they live in for good.
Amira
The warm sun poured through the windows, coating everything with a blanket of warmth. An ironic situation, given that in an hour I’d be in a dim room filled with lords and ladies, seated in my throne next to my mother.
A soft knock came before the door to my chambers slid open.
“Are you sure you don’t need our assistance, Princess Amira?” A maid said, her fingers drumming on the door.
“No, thank you, Nada.”
The door shut and, with a huff, I went back to staring at the dresses laid out on my bed. There was a modest and simple red one that would clash horribly with my green eyes, but a pale green one caught my eye.
I lifted the green dress of my bed carefully and slid it over my head. Thank goodness there was no corset. Swishing my way over to the full-length mirror, I looked myself up and down. My pale green eyes and clear complexion were envied by many in the kingdom, but I hated them. My nose protruded just a bit too far, and, to me at least, it was quite noticeable. My usually stick straight chestnut hair was loosely curled, falling at my waist. My hair was the one thing I could appreciate about my appearance. I controlled how long it was, even though my mother and sisters disapproved.
A random burst of happiness came over me, and I waltzed in the sunlight singing by myself. Until my father barged in.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Amira?” He said, his thick gray eyebrows furrowed. “What if someone heard? How many times do I have to tell you that singing is a commoner’s game. Does your name start with an M? Huh? How about a G?” I hung my head, unwilling to meet his eyes. This conversation had happened several times, and I knew what was coming. “NO! Your name is Amira, unmistakably. Just like mine is Ackley, and your sisters’ Aida and Anastasia. Set. An. Example.”
And with that he and his pompous speech marched out of my room. My happy mood had taken flight, and as I went to the window I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Ugly, even my hair.
I looked down at the villagers, bustling about their daily lives. Most of their names started with G’s, F’s, P’s, and M’s, which meant that their lives were harder, but freer. I often dreamed of my life as Mira. I could sing and dance and not be considered a disappointment to my father and my mother.
I heard heels clicking past my window and stepped into my white ones. My feet cramped up out of habit, and I rolled my eyes in disgust.
An aching voice came through the door. “Amira?”
I opened it to see my mother in royal blue gowns lined with shimmering jewels. Her blond hair was tied back into a braid at the nape of her neck, and her dainty silver tiara rested pristinely on top, the diamonds catching the light that now seemed intent on exposing everything I hated about my life in the palace.
“Ready!” I said with a closed smile.
“Don’t wrinkle your makeup, Amira.” She said disapprovingly.
I hung my head and fell into step beside her. In front of us were my two sisters, Anastasia, my elder, and Aida, the baby. She would always be the baby to me, even though she was almost eleven.
Aida was one of the few good things about my life in the castle. Her laughter bounced around the dreary corridors, and she brought a smile to whoever she spoke with.
I shook myself a bit and focused on my breathing. My muscles had already tensed without me noticing. Inhale. I’d have to take to every duke and duchess in the kingdom. Exhale. Be judged for being the black sheep. Inhale. But it’s alright. Exhale. Smile through it.
And with that, everyone came to a simultaneous halt. My mother and father pushed open the door. The room fell silent, save the scraping of chairs as the guest rose.
I held in a shudder as I surveyed the familiar room. It was probably larger than many of the citizens’ houses. The cold marble walls were draped with blue and silver ribbons and tapestries. Taking a deep breath, I surveyed the mahogany tables below us. A flash of platinum blond hair caught my eye, and I groaned internally. Ember, Anastasia’s best friend, was here.
I subconsciously reached out and pulled Aida behind my skirts. She didn’t protest and snuck an arm around my waist as our mother began to address the visitors.
“Thank you, honored guests, for joining us here tonight. As I’m sure you’ve heard, there was an attack on our northern border last night. However, our faithful troops,” A nod to the silver cover guards by the door. “Were able to fend off the measly attackers.” The room laughed as if they were one, high pitched and entirely fake. My father took an almost unnoticeable step in front of my mothers skirts. She stepped back into her place as he began speaking.
“Yes, we shouldn’t waste even a fraction of a thought on the events of last night. They are well taken care of, with a bow and everything.”
Liar. I thought. I’d overheard the discussion my father had with his war chief the previous night. I’d been heading down to get some cocoa from the cupboard. As I’d passed the most-used meeting room, I heard voices. It was three in the morning. No one should be awake, unless there was a kingdom emergency. I pulled my silk robe tighter and inched closer to the door. One of my slippers scuffed the floor, making a sound that seemed deafening to me.
The familiar voice of our war counselor drifted towards me. He was a man with the outward appearance of happiness, much like Santa Claus, but his voice and mannerisms gave away how much he had seen. Even now, though I couldn’t see anything inside that room, I knew he was nervously drumming his fingers, with his blue eyes shifting back and forth under the shelter of bushy white eyebrows.
“There was an attack on our northern border, King Ackley.” He said.
“So?” My father replied, the grogginess of sleep still coating his voice.
“We weren’t able to stop all of them. They more than tripled us in number, sir. I would guess that about 500 are inside the border as we speak.”
“Could you identify them? Who did they fight for?”
“They wore all black, with their faces covered. Their shields were bare, and they rode white horses, with no markings or brandings. We have no idea who they are.”
“Well that is most unfortunate.” A pause, in which I stopped my breathing. “No one can know.”’
“Yes, King Ackley.” The war counselor said. A sharp scraping of chairs followed me as I scurried off to the kitchen, my mind a snow globe of thoughts and worries.
The lies continued throughout the speech, which eventually bled into mindless pleasantries. Even Anastasia’s attentive gaze was beginning to glaze over by the time he stopped.
Keeping a polite smile on my face and Aida’s hand in mine, I navigated through the nobility swarming towards my parents and Anastasia.
We almost made it through without any full conversations, until I stumbled in my too tall heels and into the hands of man around my age.
“Oh my goodness, pardon me.” I said, smoothing out my gown as he set me back on balance.
“Not to worry, Princess Amira.” He took my white gloved hand and kissed it. Flashing a white smile at Aida, he straightened up and looked me in the eyes. His, for the record, were a deep chocolate brown. They were the kind that one got lost in, as I did.
Clearing his throat, he said, “I’m Baxter Bridgeham. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Aida dug her fingernails into my hand, which brought me back to the present.
“Oh no, the pleasure is all mine.” I said breathlessly. His green tunic matched my dress and set off his blond hair beautifully.
Aware that I had a flaming blush on my neck and cheeks, I smiled too wide and shook my head a bit.
“Um, I’m so sorry. I’m not usually this flighty.” Calm down. I told myself. You aren’t usually one to go crazy over a boy. “So, Mister Bridgeham, what brings you here today? Pardon me, but I do not believe I recognize you.”
“There’s no reason for you to. This is my first time here.” He glanced down at his shoes briefly. “I’m actually here to meet your sister, Anastasia. I’m-“ He laughed nervously with a glance at Aida. “I’m, uh, I hope to court her.”
Of course. Anastasia was always the one. She was heir to the throne, but she was also stunning. She had thick auburn hair often braided and twisted in the most complicated fashion around her head. Today was special, apparently. Her hair was in a perfect bun attop her head. Not a single hair was out of place, besides the framing pieces that were curled. Her pale face didn’t seem to have a single imperfection, and her eyes, identical to mine, were shielded by thick, dark lashes. The dress was cream, with no jewels or adornments. That too was rare. Her waist seemed unbelievably small, and I knew she was most likely close to passing out.
Bringing myself back to Mister Bridgeham with a polite smile, I said, “Well, you should probably head up there. I’m sure a line is formed. Please excuse my sister and me. We have some business to attend to.”
Mister Bridgeham nodded absently, his eyes fixated on Anastasia.
Aida pulled on my skirts and I looked down at her.
“What business do we have to do, Ami?” She asked, her blonde eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
“Nothing, Aida. He just had something to do and I gave him a reason to go. I was trying to be polite.”
“Oh.” She said. Her voice was filled to the brim with false understanding.
I glanced back up at my parents and Anastasia. As I had predicted, a line stemmed from my eldest sister. Most were dressed in blue or black, and poor Mister Bridgeham stuck out like a sore thumb.
Anastasia was giggled away with a small group of her admirers and my parents were deep in discussion with Ember’s mother.
“I’m going to go talk to Ethan, okay?” Aida said. I nodded and her hand slid out of mine. I watched her go, her long braided plait bouncing on her back. She didn’t notice how the crowd parted for her, judgemental eyes following her for several seconds before returning to their conversations.
Luckily, I was taken out of this depressing spiral by a girl fake-coughing behind me.
I spun on my toes with my polite guest smile ready to go. As soon as I saw the girl’s face, my mouth opened with real joy and I threw myself on her with a squeal of “Emma!”
“Hi girly!” She mumbled into my hair.
“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” Emma had been on a sailing expedition with her fiance, acceptable because she was an E. I had been jealous when she went, had begged her jokingly to smuggle me on the ship.
When we broke our hug, I took a step back to examine my only friend at these gatherings.
She seemed much older. Her chocolate skin stood out stunningly against her crisp white dress. It was the tradition in the higher letters to wear pure white from the engagement until the wedding. Her dress was tea-length with a pearl bodice. The sweetheart neckline and large chiffon skirts were darling, and Emma looked beautiful. She glowed with happiness and still had a whiff of the sea coming off of her.
“How was it?” I said. My eyebrows seemed a mile too high in anticipation.
“It was beautiful. The sunsets were gorgeous, like frosting in the sky that was painted onto a canvas. We never had a bad day. I wish you could’ve seen the dolphins. And the whales. The ship was beautiful too. We had a balcony that I stood on every morning to watch the sunrise. But I did miss my only friend.”
I sighed sarcastically. “You have so many friends, Emma, listen to yourself.” It was true. Emma was the best liked girl in the elite school we attended until last year. “Now anyway, I want you to tell me everything.” I pulled two chairs from the table behind me and sat. My elbows rested on my knees as I waited for details of the great waters I would never see.
Emma coughed and glanced down at my arms. I immediately straightened, internally chiding myself.
She smiled and opened her mouth, but the words I expected didn’t come. Instead, a deep voiced boomed throughout the room. “Please take your seats. The dinner will be arriving shortly.”
Emma smiled apologetically at me. I stood and made my way back towards my family. Being caught in the chaos of the kitchen bringing out the food is incredibly embarrassing. It had happened to me many a time.
I slid into my seat just as the guards stepped away and the engraved doors swung open. Girls in simple silver dresses hurried with white porcelain platters overflowing with food. The smell wafted towards me. My stomach growled with pleasure at the scents of rosemary, garlic, and lemon. Anastasia gave me a scathing glare that said to shut up.
As soon as everyone below us had their food served, ours was brought out. My place setting appeared, orchestrated by pale hands working so quickly I almost didn’t notice. The royal blue napkins were folded into intricate triangles, accented by shiny silver forks and knives. A white plate was placed in front of me, covered by a matching white dome. Roses in various shades of blue and gray climbed the sides. The design thinned out towards the top, as if in a desperate fight for survival. The pale hands removed my dome. Chicken, potatoes and green beans were heaped on.
My father cleared his throat. The familiar sound made the room fall silent. Several were probably holding their hands over the young children’s mouths to keep them from making any sort of sound.
“Please, begin.” He said, a hand on my mother’s shoulder.
As noise slowly dripping back into the hall I searched for Emma. Eventually I found her, laughing with her fiance and some girls who I couldn’t place. I gazed at them for a moment, wanting to know what was so hilarious.
“Amira. Amira!” My mother’s voice cut sharply through my thoughts.
“Yes, Mother?”
“Begin eating. It will look bad if you haven’t cleared your plate. And in the name of our kingdom Arabetha, stop doing that gazing thing. It’s strange.” She turned back to slowly sawing through her chicken breast without a second glance towards me.
I took a bite of the green beans, but the taste, which delighted my taste buds, failed to cheer me up. No one at my table usually talked and no royal ever talked joyfully like Emma had been. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever seen a real smile on my mother’s face.
I clicked my heels on the ground in rebellion. I checked my wristwatch for the time, only to realise that I still had around three hours of this event yet.
Suddenly, a hand shot out and grabbed my knee. I could feel the pinch through my thick skirts.
“Stop click your heels. It’s annoying.” Anastasia said, her eyes fixated on her fork. She twirled a potato lazily before looking at me. “Eat your food like Mother said.”
I nodded, a little hurt, but I didn’t let it show. I would never let it show. I couldn’t ever let it show. Especially not in a public setting like this.
I stayed perfectly prim and proper for the rest of the meal, bringing food to my mouth and chewing the way I was taught, with minimal movement.
The hour of eating dragged by. Dessert was brought out, a simple chocolate cake, and only then did I allow myself to check the time. There were still two and a half hours left. I groaned inside, but I made sure to keep my face a mask of perfection and happiness. Pretending was something I could do impeccably if I tried.
When the same pale hands came to take my cake away, I turned to thank them. Nobody else at my table, and most likely in the entire hall, had thanked the servers or chefs.
All I saw was an auburn bun disappearing into a small door that I’d never noticed was there.
—
Thank you Admins! You’re the best!
submitted by Licensed Bookworm
(May 3, 2018 - 7:32 pm)
(May 3, 2018 - 7:32 pm)
Sorry that the spacing is weird.
(May 3, 2018 - 9:44 pm)
(May 3, 2018 - 9:44 pm)
Top!
(May 3, 2018 - 9:45 pm)
(May 4, 2018 - 6:11 am)
Of course! And you know I couldn't have done it without your help, either. ;) I really do enjoy reading your writing!
(May 4, 2018 - 8:07 am)
Wow, that was really good, Bookworm! I loved it! I can't wait to read more!
(May 4, 2018 - 8:15 am)
Thank you so much! Would you like me to NaNoMail you, or should I just post more on here? I might take back my original statement about not posting it all on here if enough people want me to.
If you don’t want to read more, please don’t feel any pressure!
(May 4, 2018 - 3:03 pm)
No, I'd love to read more! :D If you'd rather NaNomail it, that'd be fine with me, or you can continue to post it here. Whichever you feel most comfortable with.
(May 4, 2018 - 5:10 pm)
I sent it! If I can ever return the favor, let me know!
(May 4, 2018 - 6:07 pm)
This is really good, Licensed Bookworm! If you PM me this chapter and whatever else you have, I'll edit it this Sunday. :) Again, nice work!
~Starseeker
(May 4, 2018 - 12:30 pm)
Thank you so much! Do you want all 20k in one go?
(May 4, 2018 - 3:04 pm)
I was sending out all of my NaNoMails, and included you in that. I sent along all of it, just in case! If I can ever return the favor, please let me know!
(May 4, 2018 - 6:08 pm)
Sure! Do you want me to do a line-by-line critique? That's basically looking at it line by line and critiquing word choice, sentence structure, grammar, etc. It's the closest to what a true editor would do if you were publishing. Or, I can do a less in depth just pointing out what I see. Either way is totally fine with me. :)
~Starseeker
(May 4, 2018 - 6:27 pm)
Line by line sounds amazing, but please feel free to do the other if it's less time consuming.
(May 4, 2018 - 7:10 pm)
Oh, and I also shared it through the Camp NaNo site, not YWP or regular.
(May 4, 2018 - 7:13 pm)