hey! this is

Chatterbox: Inkwell

hey! this is

hey! this is an excerpt from a book i'm working on. so FEEDBACK PLEASE! tell me your opinion! i REALLY wanna know. and don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. i'm tough.

CHapter 3 Page 9

I hit the water with a loud splash, blindly thrashing amd yelling, my petrified screams coming out as jets of bubbles and muffled shrieks. The cold wraps around my body like a boa constrictor, and it plunges its fangs into my flesh again and again like icy nails. I am too terrified to register which way is up or down, so I kick and writhe, desperately hoping to break the surface sooner or later. My lungs scream for the air I cannot provide them. My attempts to reach the surface weaken, and i have little strength left. So this is how it ends, I think. The last glimmer of hope within me is extinguished as easily as someone blows out a candle. and so I drift out of my consiousness, not knowing whether i'll see the world again. The last thing I hear is the pathetic beating of my heart, slowing and weakening by the moment.

 

submitted by Katie, age 11, Outside looking
(August 3, 2009 - 2:22 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Oooo, I like critiquing things. Two things.

The first thing I noticed was that you switch verb tenses. In the first sentence it's in past tense, then you switch to present tense. You should stick with one or the other. Either is fine, but pick one.

In the second sentence it seems kind of strange to have a simile within a simile. You liken the cold to a boa constrictor. Then you say that it sank its teeth into you like nails. That seems strange. Also, boas don't bite when they're attacking something, if I remember right. They just squeeze. Maybe not, but check. Other than that, it seems good. There are a coupld of typos, I think, but pretty good.

-EH

submitted by Emily H. :), age 13, Sparks, NV
(August 3, 2009 - 3:05 pm)

Please, please capitalize the word "I". If you cannot even exert the energy to press the Shift key, people can assume lots of things about you, such as you're lazy. I'm not saying you are, but why not use propler capitalization?

Other than that, I really enjoyed the description. You know how to make me feel like I am your character, flailing and drowning in the water. I especially love this line: "The cold wraps around my body like a boa constrictor, and it plunges its fangs into my flesh again and again like icy nails." Beautiful personification. One small thing: when you say "hoping to reach the surface sooner or later", it makes it sound like your character doesn't really care about reaching the surface. Change it to something like "desperately trying to reach the surface" and it will portray the urgency a bit better.

Good job!

submitted by Allison P., age 13
(September 12, 2009 - 7:59 am)