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Chatterbox: Inkwell
My attempts at
My attempts at rhyming poems :D. Please refrain from laughter and the throwing of rotten fruit. I'm posting these here for constructive critiscism, 'cause boy do they need it! Here's the first one: Working title: Ripples
We are merely ripples
On the ocean that is life
Merely flecks of dust
On this canvas that is strife
We are merely guests
On this planet we call home
Surrounded by our earth
Yet claiming to be alone
Stuck in our ways
For all of our days
Convinced that we are vital
When we are merely ripples
On this ocean that is life
When the sun sets
We shiver from the cold
We feel so strong
But our bodies are fragile and old
We are merely ripples
On this ocean that is life
Convinced that we’re important
That we’re the only ones in strife
But we are merely ripples
On this ocean that is life
That one is the worse of the two, I believe :D Here's the second one: Working title: Inside the mirror
I looked at myself in the mirror today
Saw nature reflected there
Precious gems were in my eyes
Raven feathers within my hair
My lips were that of rose buds
My legs the trunks of trees
My cheeks were rosy sunsets
My soft breath the rustling leaves
I stared for so long at the mirror
And thenI couldn’t find myself again
As I said, keep the laughter, heckling, and fruit throwing to a minimum :D If it gets squashed together again, I apologize. The capitals in the middle of the sentance should tell you when a new line has started :D
submitted by Koffee
(August 7, 2009 - 10:30 pm)
(August 7, 2009 - 10:30 pm)
Hmmm... I warn you, I'm grumpy right now so maybe I shouldn't try this. If I insert too much sarcastic wishes-it-were-wit, just ignore it. Ok. Here goes. I'll start with the first one.
1. I felt like you overused the word merely.
2. Strife is a rather archaic word. It lends a mildly cheesy air to your poem. Try to find a better word. Sure, it's a handy rhyme, but it's just not a good word to use.
3. Your rhythm could use a bit of work. It's a bit forced. I noticed it on the last line of the second stanza, the third line of the third stanza, and the second and fourth lines of the fourth stanza.
4. You need to find a rhyme scheme and settle into it. Same with the number of lines in a stanza. It can give your work a sloppy look and feel when you jump around like that.
And here for the second poem....
1. My first impression on reading that was, "Boy, she has a high opinion of herself." Maybe you have good reason to be - I've never seen you - but you seem a bit vain in this particular poem. I know you're not trying to be, and I've had exactly the same feeling you're trying to convey, but cut down a little on the self-flattery. :D
2. Again, a few of your word choices seem a touch archaic. Within, for example.
3. Your rhythm needs work here as well as in the other one. It's bumpy and uncomfortable.
That's about all I can come up with. Good concepts - you just need to polish the poems more. Pretty good job, Koffee, all told.
-EH
(August 7, 2009 - 11:46 pm)
Thanks for the help Emily :D (And when i was writing the second one, I wasn't trying to make it sound as if it were me...I'm rather ugly, in fact. :D)
(August 8, 2009 - 1:56 pm)
I agree completely. Though they are good poems that challenge reality and change the way we look in the mirror, you DID sound a little vain. (no offense) And yes, you need to work on your rhythm just a bit.
Oh, and I think you're not ugly, but this is just a guess.
(August 8, 2009 - 3:19 pm)
The first one would work better put to music as a song than as a poem.
(August 8, 2009 - 3:35 pm)
Well, the second one was... average. I mean, you can do better. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't as good as it could have been. Emily was right about coming off a tad vain, but I think it was supposed to be sort of like that, no?
Despite that, though, I thought that the first one was excellent. I don't think you "overused" words or that it was choppy... in fact I thought it flowed beautifully. Strife, actually, seemed to me a good word to use... it didn't seem like you were talking about *just* ripples, and if that's so you did very well with the allegory... or mayhaps that's just me trying to make everything more depressing than it is. ;)
Maggie read the two poems as well, and her first reaction was, "wait... we're not ripples... wait... what ARE ripples?" I explained. She now says that they were, "good." High praise from the eight-year-old. ;)
Yes, but overall I found them excellent. Good job. :D
(August 8, 2009 - 2:40 pm)
Hey! It's just like I was saying in that poem that I posted the other day! I'm horrible at rhyming poetry, so just use really elaborate descriptions and pass it off as free verse :D:D:D Like I said: I cannot rhyme nearly as well as the rest of you people. I wrote that in about five minutes because I was bored and randomly posted it on here, so it's not my best work, but then again, I've never been able to write rhyming poems...ah! rambling in one giant run on sentence!!!! :D:D:D
(August 8, 2009 - 2:02 pm)
I'm not that good at rhyming... it sometimes comes out sounding like Dr. Seuss, which is not the worst thing in the world, but I can hardly write a poem about something meaningful and so on while I'm cracking up, can I?
(August 9, 2009 - 7:52 am)
Leaving out that I disagree ever-so-slightly with your first poem, I say, pretty good! I think strife is a perfectly good word to use. The only thing I could find wrong is that "yet claiming to be alone" doesn't quite fit the cadence, it has an extra syllable. Maybe try "yet claiming we're alone"?
(August 8, 2009 - 3:26 pm)
Admin, do you know why my comment got deleted? Anyway, I just skimmed them, but I liked them. They're very thoughtful. :)
I don't know what comment you mean, Lena. I just came on . Another Admin was on earlier. If you think it was lost in error, please send again. You probably already know what kinds of comments we delete: anything rude or inappropriate for our youngest readers.
Admin
(August 8, 2009 - 3:26 pm)
Those are good poems, Koffee, they just need to be touched up (like Emily said). The first one was good, but it (to me) just got a little bit repetitive on the last one or two stanzas. Where you put the lines "We are merely ripples, On this ocean that is life." and they only had a few lines between them. It just didn't flow quite as easily.
And the second one. I think it's really pretty. You just need to make it clear that you aren't referring to yourself. Maybe change it to a third person point of view, where you're writing "She looked at herself in the mirror today" instead of "I looked at myself in the mirror today".
Other than that, I think they are really good. :)
I hope that helped you some. ;D
(August 8, 2009 - 4:23 pm)
Yes, do change the second poem to third person, and I know exactly how you feel. For the first one, when I read it, I felt as if you were trying to say something wise and deep, but you were just posing. I also do not understand "On this canvas that is strife. That is an empty phrase. Yes, we are flecks of dust in the galaxy, but in strife... weren't you trying to get across that we are the one who cause all the strife? I like the second one better, since I agree with it more, except for the pretty part, since that I am not. I do not think you are ugly, since I do not think people can be ugly. You probobly are just saying that. Plus you are funny, so that makes up for the nonexistant uglyness.
(August 8, 2009 - 8:44 pm)
Hee hee. I like that whole "people can't be ugly" thing. Thanks for your help guys. I know this isn't my best work...like I said: five minute poem I wrote before dinner :D. When I was saying "merely flecks of dust on this canvas that is strife" I was referring to how we all think we have it so bad, but there's always someone worse off. But we're so busy feeling sorry for ourselves that we don't care, and the dust builds up, like an unused canvas that was supposed to represent a life wasted on worry.
PS: That thing about people being funny making up for not being pretty reminds me of this one saying that I think I made up, but I might have just heard it somewhere and not remembered :D It goes: The people in life who are truly beautiful are the ones that can sparkle without adding glitter.
(August 9, 2009 - 12:49 am)
A good philosophy, Adina.
Regarding your saying, which is quite intelligent: True, or they're just meyerpires.
No, I'm joking. ;)
(August 9, 2009 - 10:48 am)
Awww! I like that saying!!!
(August 9, 2009 - 11:39 am)
I like that saying, too. And it's true, beauty is only skin deep. :)
(August 9, 2009 - 12:40 pm)