I am writng

Chatterbox: Inkwell

I am writng

I am writng a new story called Kiboka Outpost: Zookeepers Feet. Every week I will post a chapter in this book. Tell me if you like it.( Also there is another post of this but it was a mistake!)

Introduction: Me, Chrissy

Hi! My name is Chrissy! I am exactly 13 1/2 plus 21 seconds! Oh I mean 22 23 24 oh you get the point.I live at the Koral Zoo in Koral Kove, Mountain. It is not really a mountain but that is what they call it. Our town consist of: a zoo, a muesuem, a school, a SuperTarget, a bank, a docters/dentists office, a old neiborhood, a plain office, and a 911 station. The reason I am here is because I am an orphan. Usaully orphans from all around the world get sent here. The only people who are not orphans are the ones that live in the old neighborhood. I was sent here from a town called Jimboton. All they told me was that my parents were riding a boat and never returned. I feel bad for my parents, but I never wish to find them. I would not mix well with Annie from the musical. My day starts with working at the zoo, breakfast, work somemore, lunch, freetime,work at the zoo somemore, dinner, freetime, night chores, whatever we want, bedtime is 10:00. I usually walk around the zoo in my pjs. Then I return to the Kiboka outpost (that is where I sleep and have freetime) by 9:00 and read a book called the Zookeepers Journal, I found. We get dressed every morning in a green shrit that says Koral Zoo in yellow letters. It has a stripe across it and we pull it up and tie it up with a hair thing. I then have some patched up jeans, and I usually roll them up. I have white socks and a pink anklet. I have new blue sneakers that are very comfortable. I wear my hair up in pigtails.

This is my story about my adventures at the zoo!

submitted by Choco , age 11, 1
(August 8, 2009 - 1:59 pm)

It's intriguing; please post more! :) But it's not autobiographical, right? And you might want to think about copyrighting it, so no one steals it.

submitted by Lena
(August 8, 2009 - 3:28 pm)

I have it written down in a book.

submitted by Choco, age 11
(August 9, 2009 - 1:16 pm)

That's really good, but like other people have said, there's a little something missing... And, um, copyrighting isn't just having another copy of it, it's telling people that they can't steal it.... cause another copy wouldn't do much for you if someone tried to use your story....

submitted by Koffee
(August 9, 2009 - 6:41 pm)

Top...

submitted by Lena
(August 9, 2009 - 7:54 am)

Top...

submitted by Lena
(August 9, 2009 - 7:54 am)

It's... so-so. The concept is good, but it needs work. You rush through it far too quickly, I think. Trying dividing your thoughts into paragraphs and adding just a bit more description.

submitted by Mary W., age 11.63, NJ
(August 9, 2009 - 10:51 am)

This is the introduction, so all it is is telling you about her. If you wanted to you could skip the introduction and just go to the first chapter if it was in a book. The chapters have paragraphs, but I thought that if I didn't make any paragraphs it would be okay!

submitted by Choco, age 11
(August 9, 2009 - 1:21 pm)

I'm exited to read about the adventures, so I hope you post more, but I do have (well meant) constructive criticism. Sorry if it offends you! First off, I think you should have a more creative hook than "Hi! My name is Chrissy!" Furthermore, the entire first chapter sounds a little like a biography, with a lot of unimportant small details. It would be more interesting to sprinkle these various facts throughout your story, and show them, not tell them (i.e. instead of listing Chrissy's schedule, have your story follow one of her days, and the reader will be able to figure out her schedule in a less obvious way). Try starting by just jumping into the story - dialogue, onamonapia, literal description, etc. These are just tips. Congrats on even being brave enough to post your stories (I have not yet mustered up the courage)! :) :) 

submitted by Allison
(August 9, 2009 - 11:20 am)

I like the idea but I do not understand 22 23 24. Care to elaborate? Also, I have a feeling this would work more in third person, but Im not sure. I like it though! Whats an outpost?

submitted by Adina , age 12, Mostly in fanta
(August 9, 2009 - 11:36 am)

She lives in this little room on top of the Kiboka Outpost. In Africa an outpost is some sort of lookout. In this case it is a building in the zoo that looks out to all of the other exhibits.

submitted by Choco, age 11
(August 9, 2009 - 1:24 pm)

That's good! :) I think it does need a little work, but you're definitely on the right path! :D

submitted by Megan M., age 13, Ohio
(August 9, 2009 - 12:47 pm)

Perhaps give Christy a bit more of a personailty? Flaws are usually a good way to start... may I suggest kleptomania?

submitted by Mary W., age 11.67, NJ
(August 16, 2009 - 5:29 pm)