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Hello everyone!!
Chatterbox: Inkwell
Hello everyone!!
Hello everyone!!
This is my first story on the CB!!! I would like it it if you gave me some advice on story writing, because I'm not the best writer. Thanks, Sunshine Wings
Dream Your Wildest Dreams
The grass at the graveyard felt (and smelled!!) sharply cut. The cold dark gravestone sat in front of me with probably my least favorite words carved into it. It read: Tiffany Miller 1973- 2010. Although the graveyard was almost like a second home, it still had a sickining sadness to it. Well that's pretty obviuos! It's a graveyard!
I trudged home to the little one-story blue house on the corner. But can I really call it home? There is no Mother, no family. Is it really a home then? Or just a house? Well Dad was waiting for me in the kitchen of this "house". We ate dinner without speaking a word. He knew where I had been-and he doesn't care. He doesn't care where I was or who I was visiting, because he didn't care about her either.
After dinner I slipped on pajamas over my pale olive skin. Everyday was the same. At least at night. But I love that rutine-other than coming hme. I walked down the hall to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and went back down to my bedroom. I climbed in fell into a deep sleep, thinking about mom, until it was almost TOO real.
My eyes were open, I knew it. But I was in some fantasy dream world. Mom was there, but not dad.She came flying tworad me, embracing me in a tight hug. "But you're too young," she whispered. "Too young for what?" I asked. "To be here," she whisper replied. "But where is here?" I questioned. She took a deep breath and after a while finally replied, "Heaven."
I hoped you liked my first story and please tell me some suggestions on how to make to make my stories even better!! Thanks!
submitted by Sunshine Wings, age 10, nowhere to be found
(June 7, 2019 - 4:31 pm)
(June 7, 2019 - 4:31 pm)
I forgot the last line!! The line is:
Finally I found a place to call HOME.
Sorry this story is so dark, but I still think it is good, hope you do too!!
(June 7, 2019 - 8:13 pm)
hi
(June 8, 2019 - 8:08 am)
I really like this, especially the second paragraph! I would recommend taking out the last two sentences in the first paragraph, or at least changing them, because their abruptness kind of takes away from the emotion of the story.
(June 8, 2019 - 12:19 pm)
Thanks for the advice, and compliments!!! Glad you liked it!!
(June 8, 2019 - 2:34 pm)
I always love to see new people joining and writing! Welcome to the Chatterbox, Sunshine Wings!
On the subject of your story, I really like it. I agree with what spiffycat said; you might want to take out the last two sentences of the first paragraph, and probably get rid of the exclamation points after the part describing how the grass at the graveyard smelled. Another few tips that I would like to add is to maybe work on the part in the second paragraph about wondering if she could call her house a home. I really like the concept of those sentences, but I had to reread them a few times to understand. There were also a few errors with spelling and grammar, and I actually like it better ending with her mom saying "heaven". I hope you don't mind my constructive critism! It's a really great story! :)
(June 8, 2019 - 3:44 pm)
thanks!! i really liked my ending, but you did exactly what i asked so i shouldn't coplain. thanks again!!
(June 8, 2019 - 4:57 pm)
Hmm... yeah, I think the last two sentenses in the first paragraph kind of kill the emotion. maybe add some more description about her Dad?
Here's a tip on how to achieve really great descriptions: describe all five senses. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? Etc. It can get a little tedious to have all of the senses, but it's better to include some things like smell that really make the scene come to life. Good job on this!
(June 9, 2019 - 10:57 am)
omg! thanks!
(June 9, 2019 - 1:45 pm)