New Short Story!!!!!!!

Chatterbox: Inkwell

New Short Story!!!!!!!

New Short Story!!!!!!!

 

 

Blue-Eyed Child

The tongues of fire twine around the fallen trees, the fallen buildings. The only light in this blurry gray existence.

The gun in my hand is heavy, and warm. From use. I see the tanks prowling the wreckage, spewing grit out behind them.

I know it should be sunrise, but the clouds suffocate the beautiful rays. It is dark , as if it were night. I walk around a doorway standing alone, defiantly, while the rest of the house has fallen.

A tiny spurt of flame illuminates somehting colorful in the gray wreckage. I lean down and pick it up.

A doll. Porcelain face, clothes bright despite the fine coat of ash that lands lightly on her skirt.

In my mind, I see a girl, eight at most, crying as we force her from the house, reaching out her hand, screaming for her doll. Her eyes are blue, blue like how the sky once was. But where is this blue-eyed child?

What have we done?

    I fall to my knees, burying my face in my hands.

What have we done?

submitted by Kit Kat
(August 15, 2009 - 9:15 pm)

Wow. That was amazing, Kit Kat.

submitted by Mary W., age 11.67, NJ
(August 16, 2009 - 12:22 pm)

thanks!

submitted by Kit Kat
(August 17, 2009 - 9:10 am)

Wow.

submitted by Ima
(August 17, 2009 - 12:16 pm)

That is such a great story.

submitted by Choco, age 11
(August 17, 2009 - 1:21 pm)

WOW! I don't know if I can continue such a, a, a- *muttering to self* Amazing? No Incredible? No, not good enough! Hmmm..... AH-HA! -such a WOW story!! No time anyway.... I'll try asap!

submitted by Emma , age 12, Wowville
(August 17, 2009 - 6:46 pm)

Pretty good, Kit Kat. A couple of things - I would cut out one or two or all of the uses of the in the first sentence. Just feels better. And at the beginning of the third paragraph, I don't like "the beautiful rays" - it just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. The rest was amazing - the only things I saw to change were small things that had to do only with wording, and I'm awfully picky. Very good job.

 

-EH

submitted by Emily H. :), age 13, Sparks, NV
(August 17, 2009 - 5:59 pm)

I put the beautiful rays in to contrast the story, and to show how beauty is destroyed, just so you know.

submitted by Kit Kat
(August 18, 2009 - 1:50 pm)

First of all, sorry about the name. Second of all, that's A   M    A     Z    I      N      G.

Third of all, so it's a fire or what? But it's still great!!!

submitted by KittyKat, age LittleBig, In a flying hou
(August 18, 2009 - 6:59 pm)

That is sooo weird! we have almost the same name!

submitted by Kit Kat
(August 19, 2009 - 9:40 am)

Oh I see, they're @ war... Ignore that other comment....Well don't ignore the good stuff. Well u know what I mean.

submitted by KittyKat, age LittleBig, In a flying hou
(August 18, 2009 - 7:01 pm)

Very short, and very good! Unlike me; I have a tendency for wordiness. Second only to your story about the holocaust.

submitted by Emily L., age 14, WA
(August 18, 2009 - 11:39 pm)

Nice story!  I think it is really good.

submitted by Lauren M., age 13, Washington
(August 19, 2009 - 12:34 am)

Hey, you're from Washington too!

submitted by Emily L., age 14, Washington
(August 24, 2009 - 1:10 pm)

Cool!  What part of Washington do you live in?  I am living near Dupont.

submitted by Lauren M., age 13, Washington
(August 26, 2009 - 3:36 pm)

should i post some more?

submitted by Kit Kat
(August 20, 2009 - 11:49 am)