This is a

Chatterbox: Inkwell

This is a

This is a story that I wrote just a second ago cause I was bored. Tell me what you think. Also, I would appreciate title ideas :D here goes: (PS, it's about how they've been sending the Navy people into Iraq, without telling them that they'll be a foot soldier until they're there.)

They baited me in, told me that I would join the Navy, sail on the sea that I loved so much. I was to become a navigator, finding our way on a barren ocean that looks the same. I should be breathing in the smell of salt, so familiar it is like a long lost part of me. I should be, but I am not. I am breathing the harsh dust of the Middle East, hunching behind my meager shelter with a cold gun in my hands instead of a compass. I am killing.

                The cries puncture my heart in such a way that I am no longer afraid of the bullets aimed at me. I am no longer afraid of the shrapnel exploding away from the bombs and lodging in my heart forever. I am afraid of the screams, afraid that I will look to close at someone’s face before they die. Afraid they will talk to me, plead for mercy, and beg me not shoot. I am afraid that I will know them as a human being. And as I kill, this knowing, this empty hole in my heart, kills me slowly from the inside, and I long for the sea that I love so much.

It needs work, and editing and such. It's just one of my five minute stories that I felt like posting. Thoughts?

submitted by Koffee
(September 5, 2009 - 4:12 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Hey, for five minutes? That's really great. Let me think on critique. It looks really shiny and well-written right now, though. :) Maybe tomorrow when I'm slightly more coherent, si? ;)

submitted by Mary W., age 11.69, NJ
(September 5, 2009 - 8:40 pm)

Hi Mary W.! I can't read what you've said yet, but you posted 2 minutes ago! *waves*

submitted by Koffee
(September 5, 2009 - 8:44 pm)

Agh! It was on the third to last page (???) front I tell you!

submitted by Koffee
(September 5, 2009 - 9:17 pm)

Thank you, Mary W. I will eagerly await your critique :D FRONT!!! It's still on the third to last page o.O

submitted by Koffee
(September 6, 2009 - 4:07 pm)

All right. I'm here again! :)

Let's see, a couple things. "Long lost" should be hyphenated (long-lost), if I'm correct. Or take out long-lost completely, because it might even flow better like that. The second paragrah is beautiful and needs very little critique. And that's about it, really, it was wonderfully written. :)

For a title, may I suggest "Landlocked"?

submitted by Mary W., age 11.71, NJ
(September 7, 2009 - 9:04 am)

Thanks! I like that title!

submitted by koffee
(September 7, 2009 - 1:22 pm)

Sure. :)

submitted by Mary W.
(September 7, 2009 - 3:08 pm)

I was a bit reluctant to read it, as I usually don't like war stories and/or most historical type books *dodges rotten fruit*, but....... I should have known that it would be brilliant!!! I really like it! I agree with Mary W's critique completly. I felt like I didn't get enough, though! You might want to lengthen it a bit, but not to the point that it's annoying... Or maybe just post more, and no lengthen it at all. Hmmm, that's a bit confusing... Oh well. So, overall, LOVED it, post more, post more, and LOVED it! That's all! :D  

submitted by Emma O., age Almost 13, OR!
(September 15, 2009 - 8:48 pm)

Wow, Koffee, that's amazing!!! As for a title, I am not so sure.

submitted by Sydsyd, age 11, PA!
(September 15, 2009 - 7:20 pm)