"Feedback on Writing

Chatterbox: Inkwell

"Feedback on Writing

"Feedback on Writing" thread

Here is a thread for posting writing that you specifically want feedback on - other people can say what they think of it, any suggestions, etc. Enjoy!

submitted by Amethyst, age many years, Arendelle
(November 5, 2022 - 2:37 pm)

Mrs. Yankee Doodle went to the CB

a-topping on a keyboard

She swore she couldn't see the place

There were so many comments!!!!!!!!


Why does Iffy say things that would be perfect for the Guess the Captcha thread only when I am not posting on the Guess the Captcha thread?!

submitted by topsettia
(November 6, 2022 - 10:42 am)

Now Iffy says kzapt. Okay, zapped.

Okay, what does that have to do with anything-

submitted by Topsettia
(November 6, 2022 - 4:01 pm)

Cool idea! I'll post next time I come up with something...

*ferociously brainstorms*

submitted by Jaybells, Lost, somewhere
(November 10, 2022 - 5:56 pm)

I've got to post on this, but I have no time. But hopefully I will be back later with some writing to share!

submitted by Poinsettia
(November 16, 2022 - 9:35 pm)
submitted by Topsettia
(November 18, 2022 - 6:05 pm)

That night, Arinna crept outside of the little hillside cave. She gazed up at the night sky. It was spangled with millions of tiny stars. Above them all, like a celestial ruler, sailed an ivory moon. Arinna gazed up at it, feeling as if she had found a friend again. Ever since she was a little girl in her old castle, she had loved the moon.

The darkened sky seemed to arch over the land as if it were the roof of a great cathedral. It seemed as if there was great, solemn music, echoing and re-echoing through the whole world.

Suddenly she paused. Had she just heard music?

Yes. She recognized it as the sound she had heard just after she left her old home. But she felt a deeper remembrance too. It seemed as if she had heard it long, long ago. It was as if all this were some sort of great truth that she had unconsciously listened to all her life.

submitted by Poinsettia
(November 18, 2022 - 9:59 pm)

Wow. Just..wow. That was so good! The attention to detail was incredible! I'll hopefully be posting some of a book I'm writing soon.

submitted by MorticiaTheStargazer, age 13 moons, Earth of the Frogs
(November 19, 2022 - 1:09 pm)

I love the description! I felt like I was actually there under the night sky when I read this!

submitted by Flamarestii
(November 21, 2022 - 9:11 pm)

Oh, thank you!! I had a really clear mental image of what it would be like to be Arinna at that moment, so it was fun to write about. :) Also, I had been listening to some music which kind of inspired me.

@MorticiaTheStargazer, it would definitely be really nice if you posted some of yur book, if you still feel like it!

submitted by Poinsettia
(November 22, 2022 - 9:34 pm)

Hi I'd love some feedback if there is any specific ways that you all could think of that would make this poem sort of clearer to the reader, if that makes sense? Thank you for taking time to read my babbling.

Well all my friends are out living their teenage dream

I just want to hide and not be seen

And am I dramatic or just self aware

And I think I’m popular but no one seems to really care

And it’s just



And everyone wants a different piece of me

So I just let them see what they want to see.

And I guess it’s all just because of the stupid phone

But it’s the only thing that makes me feel not alone

And I listen to some sad music and I start to overthink

then I’m happy but it’s over in a blink

And then it 



 I know your just teasing but it hurts

And it’s really all I need to go in reverse

And I can’t decide if what I’m seeings true

I don’t like it but there’s nothing

                                                        I can



submitted by Jinx, age 13, Vancouver WA
(November 23, 2022 - 12:34 am)

I personally feel like this is really clear without further edits, I don't think you need to change anything in that regard. I would point out that you used the wrong "your" in the last verse though (I'm sorry, I just know that if I did that I would want someone to point it out, I swear I tried to not sound persnickety, it's just a really hard statement to make not sound like that). I really appreciate the way this feels kind of helpless without being that angry or overemotional. I'm not sure how to put it, but to me it feels kind of... listlessly sad? Like that's just your state of being now and you wish there was a way out, but you've kind of given up trying? I don't know if that makes sense, but I really like the way it captured that feeling.

submitted by Hunter
(November 23, 2022 - 10:13 am)

This is really good! 

submitted by WiLdSoNg
(November 23, 2022 - 5:20 pm)

Like Hunter said, you capture the emotion in this poem so so so well. I wish I could convey my feelings like that! It not only conveyed your emotion, but passed the feeling onto the reader (aka me), and that made it really deep and eloquent. The word spacing almost gave me the sensation of falling, which fit perfectly with the downward despairingish theme of the poem. Thanks for sharing!

submitted by Flamarestii, postingstreak
(November 26, 2022 - 4:16 pm)

This is such good poetry. Honestly. I do have one idea-if you wrote a book made of poems. I've definitely read books that are fiction, but consist of poems rather than, say, dialogue. 

The poem is really really emotional yet it doesn't convey anger, which is hard to do when you're writing a poem about being hurt and sad (or angry). Instead, it's full of emotions that seem to relay almost giving up, which I know someone else said, but I just wanted to say again. It's sad in a way that compells people to read it, and if you're that good at poetry, I think you should enter the Cricket 'Wish' poetry contest. Just a thought. 

submitted by MorticiaTheStargazer, age 13 moons, @Jinx
(November 30, 2022 - 8:53 am)

A cold wind tore – seemingly endless – that night, howling as if a prelude to the storm that was bound to consume the empire* by the following morning.

However, deaf to the cacophony outside, two figures faced each other in heavy, darkened silence – save but for a faint hum and teal neon glow – eyes locked; steely golden-river-dust against cherry-blossom, desperate.

"You can't be serious about this," The latter whisper-shouted in disbelief, earning but a light, half-amused lip-quirk from the other. Yet her unflinching eyes betrayed her coldness.

A long time ago, this would've worked. She'd have meekly lowered her head, tail between her legs; a barely-audible apology slipping from her lips. But things had changed since then. Eula was no longer a pitiful little beggar, wandering the streets, beaten and reviled; nor was she the poor, weak girl desperate for an esteemed young lady's whimsied favour. No, she was her own person, and now knew her value. Bitty had no control over Eula nor her future anymore.

"Lala!" Annoyance laced the voice, but quickly melted into a more soothing tone, "Lala… I think you're a little... confused right now. Step awaaay" she drew that out, as if speaking to a child, "from the control pad. You see all those buttons? they're dangerous, Lala. You don't want to touch those! You just got tricked into playing with them is all-



"No, Bitty. I said no. I wasn't tricked into this, I'm not confused." Her voice remained level, composed, "This is my choice." Now my choices matters.

Bitty seemed taken aback for a moment, speechless. "Well, uh, why… Why don't we head back now, La-"

"I can't do that."

"Can't? Why, of course you can! Who would stand up against-"

"I think you misunderstand. By 'I can't,' I mean 'I won't,' Bitty." The air itself seemed to tense around them, even the hum of machinery too intimidated to call attention to itself. It seemed Bitty finally realised that something was up. "I mean it."

There was no going back. 

"Wh-why are you doing this?" A peel of sobs burst from Bitty, "Why are you doing this to me? Really, why?" Her brows scrunched together awkwardly, as if she was confused as to whether she should be angily commanding or heart-wrenchingly pitiful in the moment. 

She was quickly snapped out of her tumult by a cold laugh, much to her horror. "Quit playing around. It's over. Bridget." The figurative slap left Bitty stunned, genuine tears forming in her eyes. How had it come to this? There's no way any of this was for real, right? Right?

"D-did, did you- You did not just-" She tongue-fumbled in fury. Eula watched on for a moment before in three long strides coming face-to-face with the woman she once loved – now flinched back in trepidation. She ignored the typical "What are you doing"s and grabbed Bitty's cloak-collar, only setting her down after an odd grey carved-on slat clattered to the floor. Then she turned on her heel and approached the panel again.

How reckless, Eula thought, quickly bypassing all systems with but a mere few strokes as the floored Bitty grew paler and paler by the second. "You… Lala, you don't mean to-"

Eula smirked, lit ominously by the now scarlet-glowing interface swallowing the lab. Bitty surged forward, eyes fixed on the last button of the sequence, a big red 'confirm?' button. A soft 'click' beneath Eula's finger. Bitty was too late. 

Sickening silence washed over the pair before-


A deafening wave rent reality for a split-second, pulsing through rock and metal and air like they were all nothing but melted butter, and it a hungry monster tearing and raring to get in. 

Then, just as soon as it had begun, it stopped. Stinging silence reigned once more.

Eula had disappeared, and Bitty lie alone, vision blurring as the historic laboratory crumbled around her.


Please give me your feedback on this, critical or otherwise, it's legitimately a huge help, and keeps me going, knowing people do in fact take the time to read my work! (Also, if you've read the previous (and much clunkier version) please let me know how this compares. I personally think it's much more concise and polished, but let me know your thoughts about it!)

submitted by Jaybells, age xe/xyr/xyz, Lost in the Universe
(November 24, 2022 - 3:32 am)