I wrote this

Chatterbox: Inkwell

I wrote this

I wrote this poem just today, and I'd like you guys to critique it. I'm open for anything. Thoughts, tips, and it's currently titleless, too, so I was hoping you could give me some ideas about that. ;) Anyway, it's dedicated to one of my friends back in public school that I hadn't seen in a long time, and just about a month ago saw at a football game for the first time in over two years. At the football game, this friend came up and said hi to me, and looked totally shocked to see me, too. Ever since, I've just been thinking about everything (probably thinking too much) and have been wondering if we will still be friends when I come back to public school next year (because I've decided that I do want to go back. See my old thread in DtE if you don't know what I mean). Anyway, it's just really been bothering me lately, so I decided to write it out... :

 

I miss the days we used to laugh

And the jokes we used to make

I miss the smiles we used to share

Memories time cannot take

 

But life has turned us in different paths

I hadn't seen you for so long

And I hope the day that I come back

Our friendship will be just as strong

 

Looking at you, you've changed so much

Like you've been playing in a rougher crowd

But talking to you, you seem the same

Never hurtful, rude, or proud

 

I hope you haven't forgotten about me

In the time I've been away

And I hope that we will meet again soon

In some later day

 

Until then, I hope you'll remember me

And maybe in the end

After all this time of worry and wait

That I will still be your friend

 

 

So, thoughts? Tips? Title? (Oh, and sorry about my rambling at the beginning...) :)

 

 

submitted by Megan M., age 14, Ohio
(November 20, 2009 - 8:13 pm)

Hey, that's not bad! You came up with a pretty nice poem, as a whole. 

I'm going to go through this stanza by stanza. Comments are in bold.

 

I miss the days we used to laugh   Good line

And the jokes we used to make  I would take out the and.

I miss the smiles we used to share    Pretty good line

Memories time cannot take  I'm not fond of this line. It's a good line in and of itself, but it doesn't really gel with the rest of the stanza. Maybe ache would make a better rhyme - you're talking about missing her, after all. My rhyming dictionary also suggests clambake.

 

But life has turned us in different paths  I would reword this. Maybe just "but we have turned in different paths."

I hadn't seen you for so long  I don't like this line, but I don't know how to change it.  "So long" is a weak phrase, except when it means "bye."As in "so long, and thanks for all the fish." 

And I hope the day that I come back  Pretty good line

Our friendship will be just as strong  All right, I guess. "Just as" seems weak to me. Perhaps tweak this to mean something about rebuilding a strong friendship.

 

 

Looking at you, you've changed so much

Like you've been playing in a rougher crowd   Good line

But talking to you, you seem the same

Never hurtful, rude, or proud  Feels awkward and forced, and no one is just the same after years. I'm not sure I believe you here. :P I have found that after a long time, there seems to be a barrier between me and the other person. You could use the rhyme "shroud," describing the difficulty of talking to them that time has placed between you if that's the case.

 

I hope you haven't forgotten about me   I would remove about. It's unnecessary and doesn't flow well

In the time I've been away    Pretty good line

And I hope that we will meet again soon 

In some later day  Soon and then later.... I don't like that. Rephrase that last line, maybe.

 

 

Until then, I hope you'll remember me   You used hope just two lines ago. Maybe make this line imperative instead of declarative. "Remember me - or else." :D

And maybe in the end  Decent line

After all this time of worry and wait

That I will still be your friend  I would remove that. Good line, otherwise.

 

Cheers!

 

-EH

 

submitted by Emily H. :D, age 14, Sparks, NV
(November 21, 2009 - 11:21 am)

Thanks, Emily! :) Good tips, too. I'll definitely work on that. ;D (And front, thread!)

submitted by Megan M., age 14, Ohio
(November 21, 2009 - 6:13 pm)

What about "life has given us different paths?

 

I love your description and your ability to describe situations like that. You wrapped up the end very nicely.

submitted by Lauren C., age 13, ca
(November 23, 2009 - 6:10 pm)

Thanks! :) And good suggestion.

submitted by Megan M., age 14, Ohio
(November 24, 2009 - 9:07 am)

Come on. No one else?

submitted by Megan M., age 14, Ohio
(November 23, 2009 - 9:09 am)

I really liked it! Great job!! :)

submitted by Mai, age 13
(November 23, 2009 - 11:33 am)

It was a very good poem.  I wish I had a friend like that...

submitted by Ima
(November 23, 2009 - 1:53 pm)

I think that poem is great and about real things real people can relate to.  Keep writing, your poems are great! 

submitted by Kyra, age 11, New England
(November 25, 2009 - 8:44 pm)

Thank you, Kyra! :)

submitted by Megan M., age 14, Ohio
(November 26, 2009 - 12:38 pm)

It's a great poem!  Just a couple things, sorry if Emily H already critiqued you on these.  The line: "In some later day," is a bit awkward.  I'm not sure how to change it, but these words seem to clash. (If you get my drift...)  In the line before that, "And I hope we will meet again soon," the soon add's an extra syllable that throws off the rhythm a bit.  If you take out the 'soon', I think it would sound better. 

Great job rhyming!!  I've never been able to rhyme succesfully, so I admire people who can.  So great job with this.  Hope you and your friend will be close again!

~Leaf

submitted by Leaf, age 12 1/2, on a tree!
(November 26, 2009 - 2:03 pm)

Thank you, Leaf! :) You bring up some good points.

I'll definitely work on those. :D

submitted by Megan M., age 14, Ohio
(November 26, 2009 - 11:00 pm)