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Poem I wrote
Poem I wrote :-/ I'm not very good at rhyming, but it's inspired by something that happened a few hours ago. I'd like title suggestions, too, if you would :D:
You’re not worth the tears
You’re not worth the pain
You’re not worth the kiss
When we make up again
I don’t need these scars
I don’t want this ache
Our smiles and our laughter
Suddenly are so fake
Across the dance floor
With her in your arms
You smile at me there
And I’m alone in the dark
I talk to you
You turn away
Suddenly I feel
This ache here to stay
I know it's not very good, but it's sort of deep. I was hoping that would make up for my complete lack of competence when it comes to poetry :(
submitted by Koffee
(December 11, 2009 - 8:50 pm)
(December 11, 2009 - 8:50 pm)
its beautiful!
I love the fisrt two parts, and the third is good. But the fourth might need work.
But did this happen to you? and I agree, it doesn't sound like he's worth it.
(December 12, 2009 - 11:54 am)
Thanks Katie. It's sort of based on a true story. It happened yesterday at the school dance. I won't go into detail unless you want me to...but, yes. I'll work on the last two stanzas :D
(December 12, 2009 - 1:58 pm)
Just quickly reading through it, the only thing I would change is the line "Suddenly are so fake". I would switch "suddenly" and "are".
But yeah, I would say it's pretty good!
(December 12, 2009 - 3:28 pm)
Yah, I agree with Brynne. You should switch the 'are' and the 'suddenly.'
But I love it.
(January 22, 2010 - 8:16 pm)
Not bad, 'specially for a rough draft, which I would think it is if you wrote it a couple hours before you posted it.
You’re not worth the tears
You’re not worth the pain
You’re not worth the kiss
When we make up again
Good stanza. Congrats. One thing - in general, pain and again don't rhyme. I feel like you're groping for this rhyme. Third-fourth lines are excellent, though.
I don’t need these scars Who needs scars? I don't like this line - maybe I don't need your scars would work.
I don’t want this ache
Our smiles and our laughter
Suddenly are so fake Ouch. Not good line, this. Rhythm's a touch jolty, so should never be in poetry as far as I'm concerned, and fake isn't a particularly good word. Opaque could work here, referring to a friendship that used to be transparent and is growing cold.
Across the dance floor The rhythm here is a little awkward. The last syllable, not next-to-last, needs to be the one the reader accents. "A dance floor away" could work, showing the distance and location just as well.
With her in your arms
You smile at me there Smile seems too cheerful a word here. Sneer or grin would better describe the action. Yes, grin, I think.
And I’m alone in the dark For someone as desperate to rhyme as you seem to be (kidding, kidding) this is a pretty sad rhyme. You could change the "with her in your arms" to "with her at your side," which has better rhymes. Outside, for instance.
I talk to you
You turn away
Suddenly I feel
This ache here to stay
I would change the whole of this stanza a little. "I speak to you / You sneer and turn / I feel your scar / Forever burn" maybe. I think in the second line you need a sense of his derision, and if you use the "your scar" I suggested in the second stanza, it would make a good ending brought back here.
Cheers! Hope that's helpful. And since I can't un-center this,
Cheers,
lav
(December 12, 2009 - 10:17 pm)
Thanks you guys, that's really helpful :D I'll edit it a bit and then post a semi-edited version :D
(December 13, 2009 - 1:31 am)
I actually like "are suddenly so fake," but I agree with Emilys critiquing, or most of it, for the last stanza especialy--- though since you originally had the bits about aching, I might say "this/the ache" instead of "your scars"...
But yeah, I'm not good at poetry either. At all. I stink. :D
And I'm sorry about whatever happened at your school dance, it sounds not fun; you can tell us about it if it'd make you feel better.
(December 13, 2009 - 11:37 am)
PS: I really love the poem, though! :)
(December 13, 2009 - 11:38 am)
Thank you :D Basically, all there is to tell is that I made a mistake trusting someone who never really cared about me. If he really does care, then he'll be able to deal with me being mad. If not, he wasn't worth it anyway. I've been eating comfort food and listening to revenge songs on my iPod >D
(December 13, 2009 - 4:32 pm)
M'kay, here's a semi-edited piece:
You’re not worth the tears
You’re not worth the pain
You’re not worth the kiss
When we make up again
I don’t need these scars
I don’t want this ache
Our smiles and our laughter
Have turned so opaque
A dance floor away
With her at your breast
You smirk at me there
I’ve an ache in my chest
You’re not worth this hurt
I’m not going to pine
You’re just one more person
Who’s not worth my time
And commented version!:
You’re not worth the tears
You’re not worth the pain
You’re not worth the kiss
When we make up again I kept this stanza pretty much the same, which was probably a bad move, but i couldn't help it.
I don’t need these scars I kept need the same because it's sort of saying that I don't need him, or anything he's giving me.
I don’t want this ache
Our smiles and our laughter
Have turned so opaque Thank you, Emily for that rhyme :D
A dance floor away Once again, thank you Emily :D
With her at your breast
You smirk at me there
I’ve an ache in my chest Ugh, this is weak. I need something better but can't think of what...
You’re not worth this hurt
I’m not going to pine
You’re just one more person
Who’s not worth my time Which brings us to the last stanza which i made-over completely. I need a better rhyme for time though (seeing as how pine doesn't at all..) But I'd like to end it with "who's not worth my time", or "you're not worth my time" or something similar.
Thanks you guys! :D
(December 13, 2009 - 11:06 am)
Much improved, I think. I'll comment on it later, but it's dinner time. Well done!
Cheers,
lav
(December 14, 2009 - 8:54 pm)
I'm still rushing, but I promised feedback.
You’re not worth the tears
You’re not worth the pain
You’re not worth the kiss
When we make up again I kept this stanza pretty much the same, which was probably a bad move, but i couldn't help it.
On the contrary, I quite like this stanza. Well done.
I don’t need these scars I kept need the same because it's sort of saying that I don't need him, or anything he's giving me.
I don’t want this ache
Our smiles and our laughter
Have turned so opaque Thank you, Emily for that rhyme :D
That first line has grown on me, and de nada with the rhyme.
A dance floor away Once again, thank you Emily :D
With her at your breast
You smirk at me there
I’ve an ache in my chest Ugh, this is weak. I need something better but can't think of what...
Yes, that last line is weak. I know I said part of this last time, but this is one way to change it: "A dance floor away / With her at your side / I used to be there / Now I'm left outside." It's not much better, but a little, I think.
You’re not worth this hurt
I’m not going to pine
You’re just one more person
Who’s not worth my time Which brings us to the last
stanza which i made-over completely. I need a better rhyme for time
though (seeing as how pine doesn't at all..) But I'd like to end it
with "who's not worth my time", or "you're not worth my time" or
something similar.
"You're not worth this hurt / I can't find a rhyme / You're just one more person / Who's not worth my time." Perfect, eh?
Ok, so seriously, how about this? "You're not worth this hurt / You've sullied my heart / I'll try to forget you / And something with apart or depart for a rhyme." Better, no? :D
Ok, so I'm rather at a loss. Oh, well, not my poem. (smirk)
Well done, Koffee! Almost there, I think.
Cheers,
lav
(December 16, 2009 - 5:23 pm)
*sigh* No one loves me....Oh well :P My rhyming poetry is enough to send anyone packing, lol :D
(December 14, 2009 - 7:59 pm)
*dashes in so Koffee doesn't think no one loves her* I like your rhyming poetry! And I like the redone version, as well; it comes off stronger than the first one. Also, again, I'm sorry about what happened, but eating comfort foods and listening to revenge songs is definitely the best move. Clearly you handle this sort of thing well ;D *gives cookies for support*
(December 15, 2009 - 5:33 pm)
Aw, thanks :D *hugs and takes cookie* :D I need you guys to do something for me. Seeing as how my friends all think we're perfect for each other, I need you people to virtually smack me upside the head and tell me that he's not worth it :( I can't help it....it's just....hard. And he's being really nice now and I don't want to go back into that, but I can't stop myself! So remind me of how miserable I was when I wrote this poem, and then I shalt be cured...*sigh* ish :D
(December 15, 2009 - 8:03 pm)