This is a

Chatterbox: Inkwell

This is a

This is a story I wrote a while ago and I wanted to know what you guys thought of it, let me know:

 


One day in the cafeteria everybody was either eating lunch or in line to get food. Adri, Nick, and Ella were in line talking and getting their food.

Then, suddenly David came barging into the middle of the lunch line. "Hey what are you doing?", the 3 friends suddenly yelled. "I will take that! Thank you very much! " David said as he stole the last cookie from the tray. "Hey! No cutting!" Adri said. " Get away from me, that is mine!” yelled Nick. "Yeah," Ella said, "let him have it!" "Okay yeah yeah whatever you little scumbags" David yelled and taking the cookie tried to run away but, when turned around he realized he was surrounded by teachers and students who knew that he was the victor and the 3 friends were the victims. 

"123," yelled one of the teachers, "Go!" And then everybody started chanting, "No Stealing No Stealing No stealing!" Then David was all, "Okay, Yeah Yeah I will put it back." And then he said, "Just kidding! No way!" and then he tried to run away but before he knew it he was being tackled by at least 10 people. 

Everyone was yelling things like "Little thief" or "Cookie Monster" and “Get the Principal" and "Thief the little rat." Suddenly, the principal made his way through the crowd. "Please get up!" he said to the kids on top of David. As the kids got up he said to David, "Please come with me to my office." To everybody else he said, "Please sit down and continue eating your lunch. Thank you."

 

In a timid voice David said quietly, "Okay" as he was scared of going to the principal office. He and the principal walked to the office with David still holding the cookie. 

 

submitted by BookGirl, age Tired, Somewhere but nowhere
(October 1, 2023 - 8:11 pm)

back to the Inkwell

This is good! I think there are some places you might be able to make it stronger, however. Are you okay with some constructive criticism?

submitted by Periwinkle, age Pi, Somewhere in the stars
(October 2, 2023 - 3:01 pm)
submitted by Top
(October 2, 2023 - 4:55 pm)

Sure. I don't mind. :)

submitted by BookGirl
(October 2, 2023 - 8:26 pm)

So for one thing, whenever a new person is speaking, you need to start a new paragraph. Like this:

Then, suddenly, David came barging into the middle of the lunch line. 

"Hey, what are you doing?" The three friends suddenly yelled.

"I will take that! Thank you very much!" David yelled as he stole the last cookie from the tray.

This helps makes the meaning of what you're writing more clear and it's easier to read!

Also, try not to use the same word over and over. In the five paragraphs written, the word "suddenly" appears at least three times (that's how many I counted). I personally feel it was only necessary once; the first time it was used. Choosing different words and practicing your word choice helps you become a stronger writer and show your audience you have a good vocabulary and a grip on your craft. You can also practice using different phrases (try not to always use "and then" unless it's necessary) and not always using the word "said," either - that last one's challenging, but it's good to try. Do you always need to specify who's speaking? If you do, how can you choose words that will better describe how they said something?Compare these sentences:

"I will take that! Thank you very much!" David said as he stole the last cookie from the tray.

"I will take that! Thank you very much!" David laughed as he stole the last cookie from the tray. 

Or you could clarify who's speaking by using another action -

"I will take that! Thank you very much!" David smirked as he stole the last cookie from the tray. 

I also feel this can be much stronger if you pace it a bit more. Who are Adri, Nick, and Ella? Give them space to introduce themselves - it'll be easier for the audience to feel there's been an injustice when the cookie is stolen from them if we know who they are. Who is David? Why is he so dedicated to stealing this cookie?

That's pretty much all I had. Nice job! I hope this can help you.

submitted by Periwinkle, age Pi, Somewhere in the stars
(October 3, 2023 - 8:07 pm)