Here's a story

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Here's a story

Here's a story I just started writing with my sister. I'm open to any constructive critisism you have, since it's the first draft! Anyway, here it is:

Veronica Vitality never wanted to go to the park. She never wanted to find the glowing stone, and she definitely never wanted to open the portal. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This story starts where all good stories do: at the beginning. But before the beginning, there is something you need to know. This world is full of magic. You’ve probably been taught that fairies don’t exist by now—or perhaps if you’re lucky you haven’t quite stopped believing in them yet—and that magic is a thing of story books and fairy tales. If that is what the foolish adults in your life have said, you’re going to need to re-write your memories. That sock that went missing? No, it did not get lost in the wash. A mischievous elf in need of a cozy home eluded your confused cat and stole it from your drawer. The window that always seems to be slightly open, sending chilly drifts through your house in the middle of the night? No, it isn’t just that the latch is getting old. Your house just may be a highway of fairies in the night. The crash from your backyard last night? No, silly, the neighbour’s cat most definitely didn’t knock it over. (In fact, your neighbour doesn’t even have a cat. It’s just a witch in disguise. And by the way, the neighbour thinks it’s your cat, so maybe don’t ask them why they don’t keep it in the house.) That crash were a few juvenile trolls wandering around late at night, much to the chagrin of their parents. 

 

 

submitted by WildWolf, age Almost 13!, She/Her
(April 3, 2024 - 10:05 pm)

back to the Inkwell

Oh, I love your style of writing and your conversational voice in this prologue! (I think it's a prologue) I'm not going to go overboard with constructive criticism since this is a small section of a rough draft, but to make it easier to read, maybe you could put each example of magic in a separate paragraph? (I do say this a lot, but it really does help readability!)

 

submitted by Lyric, age :D, Jellyfish
(April 4, 2024 - 1:42 pm)

Thanks! Yes, it is a prologue. :) and I'll use your idea about making separate paragraphs. :D 

submitted by WildWolf, age Almost 13!, She/Her
(April 4, 2024 - 2:19 pm)
submitted by Topoisomerase, age :D, DNA replication
(April 4, 2024 - 2:14 pm)

This is really good, WildWolf! I like the style of writing. It's very engaging and quite charming.

I agree with Lyric; breaking this up into paragraphs would make it stronger. I think you should also consider moving the part about Victoria to after the explanation of magic, so you're not giving your readers two ideas to keep track of at once. Maybe try starting with "This story starts where all good stories do: at the beginning." Then talk about the magic, just like you did here but broken up into paragraphs as Lyric suggested. Once your done with this topic, then you can move on to Victoria in a new paragraph. This way, it flows more naturally.

Or, if that's all the prologue (which I think you said), you could wrap up the explanation of magic and make the introduction of Victoria the beginning of the first chapter. 

submitted by Periwinkle, age 14, Somewhere in the stars
(April 5, 2024 - 6:46 am)

Great story so far!

submitted by Moon Wolf , age lunars, A Celestial Sky
(April 5, 2024 - 9:28 am)

Already this is great! I would like to see more (if you have more). I also think you should break it into paragraphs. 

submitted by Arlo the Necromancer, age 10, VA
(April 12, 2024 - 7:39 am)