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My latest novel.
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My latest novel.
My latest novel. It's called Juvenile. I've barely started, so before I got too far into it I decided I'd get your opinions first. Let me know if I should continue.
Quick summary: They’ve done nothing wrong- yet. Thirteen teens, trapped inside the house of a mad inventor, are headed for a dismal future, one that will mark them as the most infamous criminals in America. Although the present, they quickly learn, is hard enough. The delusional man who locked them in the house, who claims to be the world’s first time-traveler, is determined that they will serve their punishment for their crimes early- before they’ve been committed. Confusion quickly turns to terror when they are told that the man is not going to kill them; no, they are going to kill each other, and only one will be permitted to live. Trapped with nowhere to run, the thirteen will have to face danger, death, betrayal, love, sorrow, loss, and fear in order to survive. But as they begin to better understand their legacy, they begin to wonder, would the world be better off if they didn’t?
Is that confusing? Meh. Now that I read it over it sounds befuddling. If it gets positive critique I will post the prologue. Or if you are confused I will try and put it in simpler terms, although it might be much longer.
submitted by Katie, age 13, outside looking
(November 24, 2010 - 8:13 pm)
(November 24, 2010 - 8:13 pm)
That's it? :-( Aww... Can you post the rest once you're finished? Please?
(December 8, 2010 - 4:49 pm)
This is awesome! The summary was a bit confusing in a few small places, yes, but I could understand more of it than I couldn't. Now I don't make sense. But very original idea for a story. Murder, or be murdered? Scary, and intriguing. Awesomenesssssss!
Peacing out for now,
-Hannah☺☻
(December 8, 2010 - 7:51 pm)
Oh. I see now. Pale blue gaze doesn't sound correct, now that I think about it.
I might post more once it gets more exciting, because right now they are getting kidnapped and explained to and such, and I will not post the rather lengthy villain's monologue on here, which is rather necesssary for the plot to make sense.
Actually, scratch that. I am not sure who the villain is in this story, because that it sort of the point. I suppose it is the time-traveler who locked them in the house, but he is only trying to save innocent lives in the future. While the thirteen teens, although they are innocent in the present, are the people hurting those innocents in the future. Am I confusing people?
(December 9, 2010 - 7:55 pm)
It makes (almost) perfect sense to me. Still a little confused but it still sounds like an intriguing story that will most likely make sense in the end.
If I may ask. What was your inspiration for this story line? (in other words "How did you think of it?).
(December 12, 2010 - 12:16 pm)
Here is how inspiration struck. You might need to take notes. Just kidding.
I was alone in my basement, which is where I seem to get most of my ideas. My sister had told me to write a romance, which I really wasn't in the mood to do, so I said I would throw romance into the mix of whatever I came up. But I didn't want it to be too mushy, so I wanted sort of a horror theme going on as well. After like, half an hour down there, I dozed off, and was rudely awakened by the furnace kicking on. And the couch was right next to it so it as pretty darn loud. And then it hit me, like, what if a bunch of people were trapped in a room, killing each other? But then I needed a motivation for them to do this. And I would not have it be cannibalism. That prospect is really terrifying to me. So at first they were just normal kids who had friends being held captive somewhere in the house, and the person who escaped with their friend first would be able to leave. Then I changed them from normal people to superheroes, but then I realized I was bored with heroes. (Previously, I had written a story from a villain's POV, and then the sidekick's, but neither stuck.) So I decided to write one where the reader wasn't sure who the villain was.
And bingo was his name-o.
(December 12, 2010 - 6:40 pm)
That's awesome! I love it when an idea practically hits you in the face. It makes it so much easier then scrambling around for some idea (but that also works too). Keep the writing up! If you actually finish it, it sounds like its going to be really good. :)
(December 17, 2010 - 12:08 pm)
A couple separate sentences further on which I am especially proud of. I separated them by slashes.
He and a few others were the only ones to know the truth, a truth he kept captive within his mendacious breath at all costs. The memory still comes to him from time to time though, a memory of fine, whispering, freezing rain, and hot, spilling, startling blood. /Close by, a dark figure stalks the night. The dark lingers on his chocolate skin, enveloping him in shadows, and the cold clings to his bated breath, shallow as it spills into the air as anxious puffs of steam. /He can see the potential evil within her, yet he cannot see it in himself. /“Tell me, Skylar Honeycutt, do you fear the future?” The last thing that runs through his mind before he blacks out is that he isn’t sure there is going to be a future for him. / Yet here, in this enclosed space she has paced thousands of times, April is sure the others can hear her shallow breathing, the growling of her stomach, pained after not having eaten for two days, and the rapid beating of a heart she’d never known was there. Fear has found her at last, gotten her in its clutches. She now knows terror-- and if she isn’t released from this crowded room of useless, broken junk, tarp-covered contraptions, and whiny kids soon, the others will, too. / What nightmare could possibly be worse than what they are all going through?/ He can smell the despair on them, the emanating hurt. What is visible of their mouths is twisted into a grimace bearing excruciating pain. Their eyes are bloodshot yet wide like a deer in the headlights. Adrenaline pumps hot in their blood, which in some places is spilling. Death is poised ominously just behind their trembling-- and in the girl’s case, bleeding-- shoulders, ready to snatch them away. “They look like us,” Landon says in astonishment. /Even Jonah knows that Death is coming, for they have all seen it behind the door in the fleeting glimpse of their captor’s shadow. /So Caleb is sure it is Death that grips his shoulders and hauls him upright, sure the faint, harsh sound is the sound of his bones, his heart, breaking into fissures, and that it is the afterlife that comes to him in the form of a sudden warmth and a bright flash of amber light, the light that has taunted him from under the door for days. To be honest, he is almost glad.
Ooh sorry, Admins. This seems rather long.
(December 29, 2010 - 9:03 pm)
All right. Now I'm scared. :)
I was a little confused when the characters were switched. But yes, I think you have cause to be proud of your sentences. Very descriptive, and...and...something else I just can't think of the word.
(January 6, 2011 - 8:05 pm)
I believe the word you are looking for is "befuddling." I just read over those sentences and thought, "Ugh. I have no clue what character goes with which and I wrote it!"
And yes, you have reason to be scared. I am, too, because I think this is the story I actually finish-- the one my parents will not approve of because it's too... (I, too, am looking for a word, here) graphic, maybe? Violent? Yes, I suppose that is the one, although I am trying to avoid any gore. Which is hard in horror/action/romance/survival.
(January 7, 2011 - 5:36 pm)
I really like your story! The descriptions are very good. I like your writing style, too, it flows together nicely.
(January 13, 2011 - 10:11 pm)
Your story sounds great!
If you don't mind, I'd like to give just a bit of constructive critiscism. I've written two novels, one story book, and about twenty poems, one of which has been published.
Your story sounds great, but, as I found out the hard way, you need to have the whole story in your head before you actually start writing.
Your plot is really good and mysterious, but try not to make it too confusing, or else your readers won't understand.
Dig deep into your character's history. Try to make them so that you could explain to some random stranger exactly what she's like, so much that he can see her fully created.
And finally, your style and vocab are really good, but remember that prose usually does not have so many heavy descriptions; that's more poetry.
I think the voice of this story should be more slow, more suspensful. Such a fast style is more for a fast cut action novel.
Sorry if I'm being a know-it-all. You don't have to listen to my tips if you don't want too.
Ciao!
(February 1, 2011 - 8:01 pm)