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I am writing
I am writing a book and I was wondering if this i a good prolude (or is it good just the way it is for a whole short-story?)
Okay, here it is:
( Oh yeah, and this is in like the 17 or 1800's)
The Magic Horse
by Vida M.
One snowy winter day, as I lay on my bed, reading and waiting for my
mother to come through the door and give me a BIGGG bear hug, I heard a
horse “neigh”. It wasn’t a regular neighing sound – but it was a sort of
screeching neigh. If you had no knowledge of horses, you would be very
scared. I was, a little at first, but then I went to my window I saw a
beautiful, tall, and majestic white horse. It seemed to me that it was
glowing. I squinted to see it better. In fact, as I was looking as close
as I could (through my frozen window), it was glowing!
“NO WAY,” I said to myself. “Could it really be what I think it is…”
I thought it was a unicorn when I actually thought about it. “No, it
can’t, unicorns don’t exist – they, they, never did, stop thinking about
it! IT CAN’T BE REAL!!” I said in my mind.
I grabbed a regular coat, then my big fat coat, and then I put my shawl
on. I ran outside to the front of the house, where the horse was.
I was scared at first – because it was sooooo big and tall and fat. I
knew what horses looked like. My father bought and sold horses for a
living; about three years after I had my third birthday (4 years
ago) he died so it’s up to Mom to make money for us (her and me).
I
guess I had forgotten what they looked liked – and how big they were.
I reached my hand out to touch it. Then I jerked it back right as I
almost touched its belly. What was I doing? “I am 10 years old, I am
almost grown! Why am I acting so childish??” I thought to myself.
I reached out again. I went all the way to his belly but… something
wasn’t right!!! My hand went all the way through the horse!! “What on
earth is happening am I… ah… am I… NO! Stop being ridiculous! I AM NOT A
GHOST!!!!!!!” I said to myself (pretty loudly).
I tried to rub its head, thinking I would really touch it but…
"HHHOOOONEEEYYY!!! Sweetie pie??? Thomas, Mother is back!" My mother said the beautiful horse just vanished!!
“MMMMM, Momma??” I said stuttering. “Is that you?”
Mother replied, “Yes honey, I earned 2 dollars today!!”
“It was all a dream!” I thought!!!!!
Andy P.C says "REED" = Is that your last name Andy???
submitted by Vida M., Texas
(January 5, 2011 - 8:20 pm)
(January 5, 2011 - 8:20 pm)
Admins, I'm guessing you moved this thread to here, since I couldn't find it in DtE? I guess I'll have to rewrite my comment.
Vida, this is very good. Nice job. A suggestion, though, would be to limit the amount of exclaimation points, question marks, and caps use. When you add so many at the end of a sentence, it makes this piece sound more like an email to a friend then an actual story. I read somewhere that exclaimation points shouldn't be used at all if possible. So, like, when you say "I thought!!!!!" at the end, it doesn't need five exclaimations.... it doesn't even need one at all. It makes the reader read it in a shouting way. "I thought" doesn't exactly need to be shouted. Do you get what I'm saying? I don't mean to sound like a harsh critic! Otherwise, well done!
Yes, I did move the thread. Sorry, I forgot about moving any subsequent comments! I'm not very Web savvy.
Admin
(January 5, 2011 - 10:46 pm)
Oh no, it's fine. Top!
(January 6, 2011 - 12:16 pm)
I agree with R~D~, definitely too many !'s and ?'s, but other than it's pretty good. Maybe a little confusing, but Prologues are supposed to make you wonder so, good job!
(January 6, 2011 - 1:33 pm)
I see a few run-on sentences, but other than that and the extra-exclamation marks thing it was good. Not exactly my taste, but you definitely have talent. Keep up the good work!
(January 7, 2011 - 5:28 pm)
All right, thanks for the advice!!!
(January 8, 2011 - 3:12 pm)
Um, like a few other people said, try to not overuse exclamation marks. I think you switched tenses once also. Otherwise, it's pretty good. You have great potential! :-)
(January 9, 2011 - 4:18 pm)
What everyone else said, as well as an issue with phrasing: "about three years after I had my third birthday (4 years ago)" doesn't really make sense. It took me a while to figure it out - for a minute I thought it meant you were seven years old. Perhaps a better, more clear, way to say it would be "four years ago, when I was six". Overall: it's not really my thing, but it is fairly well-written, and I'm curious as to where you're planning to take this.
(January 9, 2011 - 7:04 pm)
I'm going to have to agree with the first comment here, Vida. To make a story more ssuspensful you can make it better just by eliminating the exclamation points. Sometimes that more of an exclamation than actually using an exclamation point. For example,
It was Tigerstar, there at the edge of the clearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Versus
It was Tigerstar, there at the edge of the clearing.
So yeah but overall love the story!
(January 14, 2011 - 7:21 am)