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First off: I'm
Chatterbox: Inkwell
First off: I'm
First off: I'm back! Didja miss me? I hope you didn't worry too much. Just so you know, I haven't been involved in a car accident, I haven't contracted a dangerous disease-all I have is a cold and CLACS (Chronic Laziness About Communicating Syndrome. It can strike any time, any place ;)). I'm perfectly all right.
What brings me here, you might ask? Two things: One, I'm writing a new novel about what happened to the children in the story of the Pied Piper, after the Piper stole them away. Two, I had a kind of funny idea about The History of Cats and The History of Dogs. I'm blending fact with a kind of parody idea to write an amusing history of the world's most popular animals. (I've also gotten into Michael Jackson's music, but maybe I shouldn't say that...could start a debate. :S)
First off: The History of Cats. The History of Dogs will come in a later post.
Many many many many many years ago, in ancient Egypt:
Cat: *is walking along, minding her own business*
Egyptian: Hey, what's that?
Cat:...Mau?
Egyptian: It's a, um, mau!
Other Egyptian: Very original.
Egyptian: You got a better idea?
Cat: Mau maaaaaaau. Purrrrrr. *rubs against legs*
Other Egyptian: Gee, she's pretty cute. Here mau, mau, mau.
Cat: Eh...what the hey. *jumps into arms*
Egyptian: Let's take her to the Pharoah. (How do you spell that?)
Pharoah: What's that thing?
Egyptians: A mau.
Pharoah: A what?
Egyptians: A mau.
Pharoah: Speak Egyptian, can't you? It sounds like you're saying "mau".
Egyptians: We are! Here, watch. *puts cat down*
Cat: Mau. *catches mouse*
Pharoah: What a charming creature! Bring her milk and silk pillows and bow to the ground in front of her.
Cat: Wow. When these people like you, they really like you. Oh well, better milk it for all it's worth. Purrrrrr. *big eyes*
Egyptians: Awwwww. *bow*
Cat: This has possibilities. These silly, gullible people will bow to me if I catch a mouse. Okay! As long as the milk comes, I'll stay.
Pharoah's Dog: OY! What about me? I'M the Pharoah's pet.
Cat: You're fired. Get a new job.
Pharoah's Dog: I can chase away enemies, and hunt animals much, MUCH bigger than your silly mice. Plus, I'm a devoted, loyal companion, worthy of the title, "Man's Best Friend." What can you do? What are you?
Cat: I am the cat who walked by herself, and all places are alike to me.
Pharoah's Dog:...Eh?
Cat: Just So Stories reference. You wouldn't understand. Anyhoo...can people pick you up? Can you bat at a string? Can you climb a tree? Can you be sitting on the floor and jump onto a table?
Pharoah's Dog: No...
Cat: Well, then. *licks paw*
Pharoah's Dog: But I adore people! I will do ANYTHING for people.
Cat: I could do that...if there was something in it for me.
Pharoah's Dog: Sigh...selfish, conceited creature.
Cat: Sigh...poor, deluded animal.
And so dogs and cats were natural enemies from the start.
People grew to love cats, until the Middle Ages, when suddenly...
Someone: A CAT! A WITCH! BURN IT AT THE STAKE!
Cats: Well, times sure have changed, haven't they?
Dog: People still love me. *smirk*
Cats: I don't call that fair. I just don't call that fair, doggone it!
People: *kill cats*
Rats: Now's our chance! *spread Black Plague*
People: AUGH! *temporarily abandon killing cats*
Cats: Ah, you're doing something right for once! *eat rats*
Rats:...Snap.
People: Ah, much better! *go back to killing cats*
Cats: There's gratitude for you. You people are really dumb, aren't you?
Sailors: Hey! Yoo-hoo! Kitty kitty kitty! Ships need cats! You can come with us!
Cats: HOORAY! *kill rats on ships*
Sailors: Awesome.
Eventually, the cat-killing age died out, and people grew to love cats again. Did you know that in Thailand, which was once called Siam, Siamese cats were kept as guards?
Robbers: Nobody will know we're here. *sneak up*
Siamese: Meowowowowowowowowwwwwwww!
Robbers: What. Was. That?
Siamese: Shriek! Yowl! RELOWLYOLWYARRR!
Robbers: GHOSTS! RUN! *run away*
Siamese: Wimps. I only wanted to play...*licks paw*
Pretty soon, around rolled the movies, and with them, villians.
Villians: Aha, cats! Just perfect for us!
Cats: Take the Persians, please. You guys make the same expression. Ugly.
Persians: Thanks a bunch.
Villians: Come here, kitties. We will spoil you rotten and in return you must sit in our arms and make a smug, cold expression and we will pet you until you get a bald spot.
Persians: That sounds pretty nice. Except for the bald spot. *follow villians*
Heroes: Why don't you guys just get dogs?
Villians: Dogs are loud, and they don't have smug, cold expressions.
Persians: Ha! We're better than you-ou, we're better than you-ou...
Dogs: That's not a good thing!
Persians: It is to villians.
Dogs: Sigh...
A "cool cat" is somebody who's really cool. A "dog"...let's just say you oughn't to call somebody that.
Aristocats: Everybody wants to be a cat, because the cat's the only cat, who knows where it's at, everybody's picking up on that feee-line beat, and everything else is obsolete!
Cats: This means YOU, dogs!
Elvis: You ain't nothin' but a hound dog...
Dogs: Grrr...
Cats: Mau. *smirk*
There are many superstitions and sayings about cats, such as, "A cat always lands on his feet."
Cat: *falls* *twists* Phew!
People: Wow! A cat always lands on his feet!
Cat: Um...let's not exaggerate here...
Little kids: Bombs away! *throw*
Cat: YAAH! *twists* *lands* That. Was. Close.
Also, "A black cat crossing your path is bad luck."
Black cat: *walks along*
Superstitious person: GAH! Keep away...awaaaay...nice kitty...*backs up*
Black cat: Dude, what's wrong with you? *crosses path*
Superstitious person: *faints*
Black cat: Oops. Forgot.
Speaking of black cats, there's a saying that there is a white hair on every black cat, and if you can pluck it off, you will get good luck.
Superstitious people: *chase black cats* Here, kitty kitty!
Black cats: Leave us alone, we don't have any white hairs!
There are many cats in fiction today: Warriors...
Firestar: THUNDERCLAN, ATTAAAACK!
Garfield...
Garfield: Show me a good mouser, and I'll show you a cat with bad breath.
Cats of Roxville Station...
Rachet: Meow.
Meowth...
Meowth: I'm a catlike Pokemon, not a cat!
And many others. There are also many people who love wild cats...and who are afraid of tigers.
Tigers: As they should be. *nodnod*
Sadly, many of these magnificent cats face extinction.
Cheetahs: Don't remind us!
(I wasn't! I was reminding all the people out there!)
Cheetahs: Oh.
Don't worry, dogs, people still love you.
Dogs: Yay! As long as people love us, we're happy.
Cats: That's just pathetic. *lick selves*
Today, cats are some of the most popular pets, rivaling dogs.
People: Here kitty, kitty, kitty! You can come inside our houses and lie around all day and be petted, warm, and well-fed and you don't have to do a thing!
Cats: Oh, YES! Finally we get the respect we got from the Egyptians!
People: Only you can't go outside ever again.
Cats:...Oh, rats.
THE END!
Andy P. C. says ouck. Yuck? Thanks a bunch, Andy.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
Welcome back, Wolfgirl! Yes, we missed you, and this history of cats is great!
Admin
submitted by Wolfgirl67 (BACK!), age ~13~, Right here, bac
(May 11, 2011 - 6:06 pm)
(May 11, 2011 - 6:06 pm)
Haha, that was great.
(May 11, 2011 - 8:47 pm)
@Admin/Jess: Thank you! And I will try to be on more often. I need a little more inspiration for the History of Dogs, but I should have it by tomorrow.
@Thread: Top, please!
Andy P. C. says gauf. Gauf? Gaff? Are you trying to imitate a dog? In which case, I should have the History of Dogs by tomorrow.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
Ooooh, I can't wait to read it!
Admin
(May 12, 2011 - 6:29 pm)
Hi Wolfgirl! I did notice you were missing and by chance I saw this thread on Inkwell (I typically don't post here). So, write on DtE. :):):) Glad to see you're alive and posting!!!!!!! :)
(May 13, 2011 - 11:30 am)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That history made me laugh so hard I practically bit iof my thumb!!!!!
(May 13, 2011 - 10:45 am)
@R~D~ Okk! And in case I don't get the chance later, Happy Birthday! :)
@Oregano: Thank you! :) No thumb-biting-off, though, I don't want that on my conscience. ;)
The History of Dogs
Dogs and cats have always been different. Cats bribed people into loving them, whereas dogs...were bribed. It's just one of the things that makes them so lovable.
Dog: Whine whine whiiiiine...*comes cringing in with ears pressed against his head*
Man: Hey look, it's a dog!
Dog: *wags tail*
Man: Here, have a bone. *throws*
Dog: *catches* Yes! Yes, yes, yes! At last we're eating instead of being eaten! *chews* I loooove you. *presses against man's leg*
Man: *scratches ears*
Dog: Aaaaaah...bless you. *licks*
Humans soon found that dogs were useful for a lot of things: For guarding property...
Thief: He'll never know I'm here. *sneaks*
Dog: *sniff sniff* I smell intruder! Bark snarl bark bark growl BITE!
Thief: Owwwww! That's just not fair. *runs*
Man: Come boy! Uh...come? C'mere! Uh oh...
For hunting...
Man: Go get that mastodon, boy!
Dog:...You're kidding, right?
And later, for herding livestock.
Man: Get out of the sheep, you dumb...hey...
Dog: *wags tail* *herds sheep* This is easy! These sheep are terrified of me.
Sheep: And for good reason. *run*
People began breeding dogs for specific purposes, choosing dogs that were the best at certain things. The dogs that were the best at herding were bred together, the dogs the best at hunting were bred together, and the ones best at guarding were bred together.
Chihuahua: You forgot small dogs.
(You're not such a great representative of that, seeing as you're the one toy breed to evolve naturally.)
Chihuahua: Oh yeah...
Dogs enjoyed a life of being people's favorites. At least until cats came along. It was all the Egyptians' fault.
Cat: Mau.
Pharoah: What a charming creature! Bring her milk and silk pillows and bow to the ground in front of her!
(Sound familiar?)
Dogs have always necessarily been more useful, however.
Cats: We can hunt mice, guard, and be petted.
Dogs: We can hunt mice, rats, birds, etc., guard, be petted, hunt enormous animals, herd livestock, help the handicapped, do police work, do search-and-rescue, fight in wars, do therapy--
Cats: OK, OK, we get the point!
Even during the Middle Ages, when cats were hunted as witches, dogs remained faithful companions.
Cats: Well, times sure have changed, haven't they?
Dogs: People still love us. *smirk*
(Sound familiar again?)
Dogs have earned the nickname, "Man's Best Friend," a nickname they well deserve. Except, of course, when they chew the couch, track mud in the house, drag you across three yards in pursuit of squirrels, and bark nonstop at the neighbors.
Dogs: Ah-heh. Oops. Oh well, at least we can be trained. Unlike some people.
Cats: Quit pointing fingers!
Dogs: We don't have any fingers.
Dogs have relatives in the wild: wolves, coyotes, jackals, dingoes, foxes, and many others. Sadly, however, not many of these animals recieve quite the same love from humans as their domesticated cousins.
People: A wolf! He'll eat our children!
Wolf: Uhh...I just ate?
People: SHOOT IT!
Wolf: Great. Just great.
People: Coyotes, jackals, and dingoes are all filthy scavengers.
Coyotes/Jackals/Dingoes: Filthy scavengers have feelings too!
Amos Slade: It's that fox again! Get 'im boys, don't let 'im get away!
Tod: What did I ever do to him?
Many people have dogs nowadays. Toy dogs, especially, enjoy a life as the favorite pets of many people.
Toy dogs: We're the favorite pets of many people. *smirk*
Other dogs: That's only because you have no other earthly use except to yap your heads off. *smirk*
Cats: And some of you are so small you could feed us.
Toy dogs: Grrr...
(Nice really high-pitched growl.)
Many terriers are around the same size as toy dogs, but much more spirited and feisty.
Terriers: We chase and kill rats. We have to be feisty.
(Good point.)
Hounds are the friendly, lovable family dogs, right up there with dogs from the sporting group.
Raccoons/Rabbits/Foxes/Ducks/Deer/Partridges...you get the point: Except to us.
(Yeah, except to you.)
Many herding dogs and working dogs have a tendency to be nervous or aggressive around strangers, but are very intelligent and fiercely loyal to their family.
Herding dogs: The reason we're so nervous is because wolves and bears tried to kill our flocks! We need to be nervous. AAGH! A stick cracked! *twitch jump shudder*
Working dogs: Most of us were guard dogs. That explains it all.
Non-sporting dogs...well...they're something of everything. Poodles, Dalmations, Tibetan spaniels, all fall under this category.
Poodles/Dalmations: Can we ask why they call us "non-sporting" when we both did the work the sporting group does?
(No, you can't, because I don't know the answer.)
Poodles/Dalmations: Darn.
Whichever way you look at it, dogs are dogs, friendly, loyal, loving, and obedient, our best friends.
Cats: Our best loud friends with muddy paws.
Dogs: Ruff ruff bark bark bark aroooo! *chase*
(Ahhh...some things never change.)
THE END
Andy P. C. says futm. Futon? After I hit preview, he said arty. Arty is Artemis Fowl's nickname. Are you reading AF, Andy?
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(May 13, 2011 - 7:58 pm)
Hahah, I thought that was funny, too. LOL! I can't wait for History of Dogs! Will you be posting your story about he Pied Piper? We missed you!
(May 13, 2011 - 6:51 pm)
That was amazing Wolfgirl67. I did notice you were gone and had been wondering where you were.
When did you stop posting exactly? Because I posted on your RR and you never posted again.
Yes, I loved tis latest history, too, Wolfgirl! Thanks for sharing it with us. You're very talented!
Admin
(May 13, 2011 - 9:24 pm)
THAT WAS SOOO FLABBERGASTING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I luffs it.
HEY HEY HEY ADMINS!!!! On Lizzy's comment (I think it was Lizzy's. If not I feel faaail) you said:
Yes, I loved tis latest history, too, Wolfgirl! Thanks for sharing it with us. You're very talented!
Admin
TODAY WAS WE HAD NATIONAL (was it national? I dunno...) SHAKESPEARE DAYYY!!!!!! TIS IS A SHAKESPEARE WORD!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe.
(May 13, 2011 - 11:31 pm)
Hey Wolfgirl!
My name is KitCat, representative of KitCat Superior Milk Chocolate Inc., and I applaud you on bringing the long and varied history of my noble species, obviously superior to dogs and all other creatures, to the common people. If you want a discount on KitCat Superior Salmon Deluxe Chocolate Bar, our new superior product, call 100-000-CAT!
Thank you.
(May 14, 2011 - 10:05 am)
@Princess P.: Sure! I was considering doing that anyway. :)
@Lizzy: Um...sometime before you posted on my RR, I think. IDK, I just...stopped coming. I got on a bit of a writing craze and forgot about the Internet altogether. *shrugs* Sorry.
@Admin: Thank you! 'Tis a great honor for me to have such praise.
@ZD: Thanks! Shakespeare Day, huh? Hm...
@KitCat: You're very welcome...I think...(great, I just boosted a cat's ego, as if it needed any more boosting.) But, salmon and chocolate together don't really agree with my digestion.
Andy P. C. says vbob. What about Bob, Andy?
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(May 14, 2011 - 1:39 pm)