Poems 

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Poems 

Poems

 

I was in class today and we had a free period to draw or whatever while the teacher read. We're working on poems and I was bored and wrote three. I don't have names for them and the first doesn't rhyme well but I know a lot of you write good poetry, so I was hoping for some criticism. Thanks!

 

A tear runs down his cheek

As he holds the girl in his arms

Lightly breathing

Almost gone

From his bosom

Into her grave

 

A white rose flows out to sea

Expressing what you meant to me

My heart is bleeding

Yearning for the love I'm needing

 

I remember how you used to love me

Your kisses full of purity

Your warm embrace

Both of us intertwined with grace

I remember how you used to love me

Your arms wrapped around my body

Don't let me go

To drift through the world alone.  

 

There they are. I'm waiting to hear what you guys have to say! 

 

submitted by Elizabeth M., age 12, Germany
(June 10, 2011 - 7:34 am)

back to the Inkwell

Wow, those are really good! Even though they are three seperate poems, they flow together as if they were one. The only problem is that in the third poem, the rhymes don't exactly rhyme. Also, the fourth line, "Both of us intertwined with grace", seems a little too long to fit with the one before it. But really, they are stunning. I can't believe you wrote them just because you were bored in a free period!

submitted by Alexandra S., age 12, Never Land
(June 10, 2011 - 10:30 am)

TOP!

submitted by Lizzy
(June 10, 2011 - 2:49 pm)

Thanks for the comment, Alexandra! What do you think would be better for that line?

submitted by Elizabeth M., age 12, Germany
(June 12, 2011 - 3:02 am)

Wow, those are super cool!!! like, seriously they are awesome!! :)

Yeah, that "Both of us intertwined with grace" line a little bit long for the rhythm of the other lines. It is pretty though! Maybe you shouldn't change the wording but move the last part of it to a new line like:

 

Both of us intertwined

with grace

 

and you could mess around with which words to move down. i don't know, just an idea :)

~love ur poem!~

submitted by Emily J., age 12, Maple Valley, WA
(June 12, 2011 - 8:12 pm)

Thanks Emily! Are there any other lines where something should be done? And would "together intertwined with grace" sound better?

submitted by Elizabeth M., age 12, Germany
(June 15, 2011 - 9:44 am)