Critique my prologue! 

Chatterbox: Inkwell

Critique my prologue! 

Critique my prologue!  Well, I won't command you or anything.  Please critique my prologue?

 

  It was a dark
and stormy night.

  Tessa sat
huddled in her bed, wishing it would stop raining and thundering and flashing
bright flashes of lightning that lit up the whole house.  Flash!  She could see herself in the mirror.  It was creepy.  Flash!  Crack!  The sky
seemed to split open with the thunder that followed.  She got out of bed and groped for her door.  The handle squeaked.  She wished it wouldn't. Maybe Dad could
oil it tomorrow.  She walked slowly
down the hallway and into Sam's room.

  "Tessa?"
came the voice of her older sister.

  "I
couldn't sleep," said Tessa, climbing into Sam's bed.  "I'm scared.  What if the lightning kills us?"

  "It
won't," said Sam.

  "Is that
because of the lightning rod?" said Tessa.

  Another flash
of lightning lit up Sam's amused smile. 
She propped herself up on her elbows.

 
"No," she said. 
"It's because of the stars."

  "What
stars?"

  "The ones
in the sky."

  "I
thought they were suns like the sun that the earth orbits."  The lightning flashed again, followed
by a deafening crack of thunder.

  "Not at
all," said Sam, pulling the covers over Tessa.  "They draw the waters of the ocean in and out, and it's
called the tide, and they grin at us and it's called lightning, and they sing us
to sleep at night.  The moon helps,
too.  Go to sleep now, Tess.  It's just the stars grinning, and they
won't let us get hurt."

  Tessa lay
quietly for a moment.  Then she
said, "I'm still scared."

  "You'll
be fine."

  "Do you
think Mommy and Daddy are scared too?"

  "I'm sure
they aren't."

 
"Okay," said Tessa bravely.  "I guess I won't be scared then."

  "All right,"
said Sam.  "Good night,
then."

  "Good
night," said Tessa.  A few
minutes later she was asleep.

 

 

 

Tell what you think please!  And yes, I'm not really supposed to be posting here, but I'm doing it anyway, just this once. And to stick to the just this once promise, I'm going to answer all your questions, or try to, right now.

 

So, Tessa is four or five, and Sam is about fourteen.  (I know, big age gap, but it happens.)  The story, which would come after the prologue, is told from Sam's POV, and she becomes the main character, but I thought this was a nice way to introduce her.  Notice I didn't say she falls asleep.  She doesn't.  That's where the story begins.  And I'm not entirely sure, but it may have somthing to do with lightning.  Of course, all this would be explained in the ensuing story, so the typical reader wouldn't be bored by all this explanation.

 

So, please offer any suggestions or criticism!  (Don't worry, I can take it - that's kind of the point.)

 

Oregano

submitted by Oregano, age 13, wantingtodoNaNoWriMo
(June 13, 2011 - 12:41 pm)

I think it's really good! The only thing that I would change is Sam's explanation of the stars. Not the idea, but just the exact wording. It doesn't really matter, though. It sounds like a really good beginning for a story! :)

submitted by Alexandra, age 12, Never Land
(June 13, 2011 - 2:42 pm)

Thanks, yay!  I'll see what I can do.  I've already written 1,2 and something words today!  (This is why I'd want to do NaNoWriMo!  I love writing.)  TOP!

submitted by Oregano/TopperGirl, age 13, dreaming of fabric
(June 13, 2011 - 4:01 pm)

Oh, and I don't know why the lines did that.  That's just what Microsoft Word did.  :P

submitted by Oregano/TopperGirl, age 13, dreaming of fabric
(June 13, 2011 - 4:02 pm)

Anyone want to read more?  Doesn't matter, I'll put the next section here anyway.  It's not what you'd be expecting, and I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with it, either.

 

  Sam leaned over her sister.  "Tess?"

  There was no answer, only the peaceful
breathing of a sleeping child, and the rain on the roof.

  Sam got out of bed.  She took the blanket from where it was
folded at the foot of the bed and wrapped it around herself.  She stared gloomily out the window into
the glare of the streetlights and the rain running down the window panes, the
gutters overflowing, a crackle of lightning followed by another flash.  This time she saw it, a bright tree
branch as bare as the winter trees, its smallest tendrils seeming to tickle the
houses' tops.  Sam shivered.  She was frightened, too.  She hadn't seen so much lightning
before in her life.  What a huge
storm.  She sat down on the edge of
her bed, bracing her cold bare feet against the floor.  She sighed.  It was too cold for June.  It was too wet for June. June was supposed to be a perfect,
warm, sunny month.  February was
cold.  April was supposed to be
wet.  But Nature was never
obliging.

  Another crack of thunder - it seemed at
the same time as the lightning. 
She couldn't see it that time - it must have been very close.  It felt as though her hair stood on
end.  The door squeaked a little
bit, and she almost screamed in fright, but as she jumped off the bed, turning
to the door, she heard the click-click of dog toenails, and Furrier jumped onto
the bed.

  "Furrier!" Sam whispered
furiously.  "You know you
aren't supposed to be on the bed! 
Get off."  She hauled
at the huge Golden Retriever, but Furrier only whined softly and looked
pleadingly at Sam.

  Sam sighed again.  She took off her blanket from around
her shoulders and dumped it on the floor. 
"Here," she said, heaving Furrier off the bed.  "If you have to sleep in here,
sleep on this."

  Furrier jumped back onto the bed, and
stood there, panting at her and wagging his tail.  Then, as a flash of lightninglit up the room with a dim
bluish light, he jumped past her and out the window.

  "Furrier!" cried Sam,
forgetting her sleeping family across the hall.  She didn't know how he'd done it.  The window had been shut.  It was solid glass. 
But he had certainly gone through it.  She pressed her face up against the glass, hoping to see
him, though rain and tears blinded her. 
Only cats could jump from second-story windows and survive!

  There was no trace of Furrier on the
ground below.  He had completely
vanished.

 

 

 

  Sam leaned over her sister.  "Tess?"

  There was no answer, only the peaceful
breathing of a sleeping child, and the rain on the roof.

  Sam got out of bed.  She took the blanket from where it was
folded at the foot of the bed and wrapped it around herself.  She stared gloomily out the window into
the glare of the streetlights and the rain running down the window panes, the
gutters overflowing, a crackle of lightning followed by another flash.  This time she saw it, a bright tree
branch as bare as the winter trees, its smallest tendrils seeming to tickle the
houses' tops.  Sam shivered.  She was frightened, too.  She hadn't seen so much lightning
before in her life.  What a huge
storm.  She sat down on the edge of
her bed, bracing her cold bare feet against the floor.  She sighed.  It was too cold for June.  It was too wet for June. June was supposed to be a perfect,
warm, sunny month.  February was
cold.  April was supposed to be
wet.  But Nature was never
obliging.

  Another crack of thunder - it seemed at
the same time as the lightning. 
She couldn't see it that time - it must have been very close.  It felt as though her hair stood on
end.  The door squeaked a little
bit, and she almost screamed in fright, but as she jumped off the bed, turning
to the door, she heard the click-click of dog toenails, and Furrier jumped onto
the bed.

  "Furrier!" Sam whispered
furiously.  "You know you
aren't supposed to be on the bed! 
Get off."  She hauled
at the huge Golden Retriever, but Furrier only whined softly and looked
pleadingly at Sam.

  Sam sighed again.  She took off her blanket from around
her shoulders and dumped it on the floor. 
"Here," she said, heaving Furrier off the bed.  "If you have to sleep in here,
sleep on this."

  Furrier jumped back onto the bed, and
stood there, panting at her and wagging his tail.  Then, as a flash of lightninglit up the room with a dim
bluish light, he jumped past her and out the window.

  "Furrier!" cried Sam,
forgetting her sleeping family across the hall.  She didn't know how he'd done it.  The window had been shut.  It was solid glass. 
But he had certainly gone through it.  She pressed her face up against the glass, hoping to see
him, though rain and tears blinded her. 
Only cats could jump from second-story windows and survive!

  There was no trace of Furrier on the
ground below.  He had completely
vanished.

 

 

 

 

 

I suppose the lines are doing that weird thing again.  Sorry.

submitted by Oregano, age 13, wantingtodoNaNoWriMo
(June 14, 2011 - 6:44 am)

Frankly, I really don't care whether or not you want to read this, though I'd really like it if you'd critique it some more.  Consequently, the next two sections follow.  And I'm sorry about the weird thing with the lines, but I don't know how to fix it.  And for those curious, I am indeed AnAspiringAuthor/AAA, it's just an alternate name.  I don't really know why.  That's for psychologists to figure out!!!

 

 

  Sam tried to swallow her corn flakes,
but they were dry and tasteless. 
Tessa was pale and subdued, and Fred and Jason looked almost as sad as
she felt.

  "He's fine," said Mom, while
washing dishes.  "You just
dreamed it, Sam.  Dogs don't jump
out closed windows."

  "If I only dreamed it, how is it
he's gone?" asked Sam, her voice catching in her throat.

  "I guess he went out the cat
flap."

  "That flap's too small for an old,
fat dog like Furrier," said Jason. 
Only a skinny cat like Coat-of-Legs could squeeze out a hole ten inches
in diameter."

  Tessa let her spoon clink into her
cereal.  "Did he get hit by
lightning?"

  "Now that didn't happen,"
said Dad, ruffling her brown curls. 
"Physics prevents it. 
You see, ionized atoms can't penetrate through solid matter -"

  "Dad," groaned Fred,
"she can't understand ionization, she's only five."

  "Hurry up, kids," said Mom,
drying her hands.  "You'll
miss the bus."

  "I can too understand
i'nization!" shouted Tessa.

  "Tessa," said Jason, looking
her seriously in the eye, "will you do me a favor?"

  Tessa nodded, intrigued.  Her wide brown eyes stared into Jason's
green ones.

  "If Furrier comes home during the
day?"

  Tessa nodded again.

  "Let me know, okay?"

  Tessa nodded vigorously.

  "It's a very important job."

  "I can do it!" she said
happily.

  Jason smiled at her and drank the last
of his milk from the cereal bowl.

  Sam mashed her cornflakes with her
spoon and swallowed them without chewing. 
She got up from the table, went into the hall, and started stuffing her
books into her bag.  She turned
around and bumped into her father.

  "I know," he whispered.  "He'll be okay, though.  However it turns out.  And we'll always love him, anyway,
right?"

  Sam was in her father's arms before she
knew it.  All the times she had
ever been annoyed at him, or thought she hated him, melted away in the
unexpected tenderness.

  He finally released her.  "Come on then," he said.  "Let's get our jackets."

 

 

  Sam sat in class, mechanically writing
her biology notes.  Octupuses are the smartest
invertebrates.  Average of eight
tentacles.  Suckers for moving.
  She impatiently scratched out the last
sentence.  Move with suction cups. 
Release ink when frightened. 
Squid also release ink.  Sea
cucumbers...
A shaft of sunlight fell onto her notebook.  She looked up, startled; the sun was
breaking through the clouds.  Was
it an omen?  Was Furrier already
home?  Maybe he was trotting
happily through the front door right that minute!

  "- turn their stomachs inside
out," Ms. Dinelli was saying. 
"Sam, are you here, or did you leave?"

  "What?" said Sam.

  "Is something wrong?"

  Sam muttered something.

  "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard
that."

  "I said my dog disappeared."

  "At least he didn't eat your
homework," said Ms. Dinelli. 
Sam seethed.  What cruelty!  Eight-grade biology teachers should be
outlawed.

  "Please pay attention, or else I
shall have to send you to the principal's office.  Now, as I was saying, the seacucumber turns its stomach
inside out..."

  Sam resumed her note-taking.  The shaft of sunlight was gone.

 

 

 

 

So, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please critique this!  I'd like some input here.

submitted by Oregano, age 13, dreaming of fabric
(June 14, 2011 - 6:03 pm)

I'll start off with the part that's going to make me sound really mean: Some people find "It was a dark and stormy night" sort of cliched. Okay, now the niceties!

So I've only read the prologue (so far) but I couldn't help noticing that you use PROPER DIALOGUE PUNCTUATION! The reason I noticed this is because I had to resort to a website and take about half an hour learning it... yeah. And I look at dialogue punctuation in a book sometimes, so's, in other words, I now know how proper dialogue punctuation is used and I like it when people use it.

Oh! And for the onomatopoeia (the Flash! and the Crack!s), maybe you could put them in italics? You don't have to, it's just what I'm use to. :)

 

submitted by Olive
(June 14, 2011 - 8:06 pm)

Thanks for commenting!!!!  So, yes, the opening sentence is.  I thought it was a nice place to start though.  CP A Wrinkle In Time.  I was just recently rereading that - it's a great book!!!!!  And, good idea about the italics.

submitted by Oregano/AAA, age 13, wantingtodoNaNoWriMo
(June 15, 2011 - 6:40 am)

Well, so anyone want to read more?  Or are you all sick of me yet?  I really have to stop posting here, so maybe one of you can say something really rude so I'll leave?

submitted by Oregano, age see above, see above
(June 15, 2011 - 2:23 pm)

Random: I'm trying to drink limeade, because I poured myself a huge glass of it, but it tastes like my deodorant.  :(>  (new emoticon that is frowning AND tongue hanging out)

submitted by Oregano, age see above, see above
(June 15, 2011 - 2:25 pm)

Me, me, me! I'd like to hear more!!!!

submitted by Princess P.
(June 15, 2011 - 5:02 pm)

Ok, since you ask.  :)

 

 

 

  Sam clumped down the steps of the
school bus and out into the open air. 
She had stayed after classes for her frisbee club, but the exercise
hadn't lifted her spirits any.

  "Sam?"

  She turned around.  It was Nick, one of the boys on her
frisbee team.

  "What?" she tried to say, but
her voice came out rough and impatient.

  He sighed and caught up to her.  "Are you mad at me because I
caught the high curve pass to Yvette, or are you just upset because of your
dog?"

  She looked at him.

  "Or both?"

  "More like both," she
said.  "Why are you here?  You don't live on Willow Street."

  "I followed you," he
said.  "I want to be a
detective when I grow up, or maybe an author, and I wanted to see if I could
find any clues about his disappearance."

  Sam sighed.  "Can't hurt," she said.

  "How did it happen?"

  She started walking again.  "I don't know."

  "Thanks."

  "I don't."

  "Okay.  When?"

  "Yesterday night."

  "You woke up and he was
gone?"

  "No.  I was awake - well - Tessa - my sister - couldn't sleep, and
she came in and woke me up, and there was a lot of thunder and lightning, and
Furrier - my dog - came in - I guess he was scared.  And he was standing on the bed, and I was going to tell him
to get off, when there was a flash of lightning, and he jumped out the
window."

  "You had the window open?"

  "No, it was shut, the inner
window, and the storm window."

  Nick looked at her incredulously.  "You expect me to believe
that?"

  "Yeah."

  "Okay," he said.  "I'll try.  He just disappeared?"

  "Uh-huh.  I kind of saw the window kind of shimmer as he went through
it."

  "Did you look out?"

  "Of course!"

  "Well!  Was he there?" 
Nick was getting impatient.

  Sam wrenched open the door.
"No!  Now will you go away and
leave me alone!"

  "No," said Nick.  "I haven't looked for clues
yet!"

  "You don't need to -"

  "Sam?" came Mom's voice from
the kitchen.  Sam could hear the
kettle boiling.

  "Yes?"

  "Come in and shut the door.  Else we'll use up the heating bill on
the outdoors.  Did you bring
someone home with you?"

  Sam slammed the door and stalked into
the kitchen.  "No.  He came himself.  Nick, this is my mom.  Mom, this is Nick Verrin, he's on my
frisbee team."

  "Nice to meet you, Nick,"
said Mom.

  "Nice to meet you, Mrs.
Greene," said Nick.  "I'm
here to look for clues about your dog's disappearance.  I want to be a detective when I grow
up."

  "Well!" said Mom.  "That sounds nice, maybe you'll
help us find him.  Would you like
to start in Sam's room where he was last seen, or in the backyard, or
what?"

  "I'd like to start in Sam's room,
if she doesn't mind," said Nick. 
He looked at Sam.

  Sam rolled her eyes.  "The stairs are in the
foyer," she said. "I'll go up with you."

  "Be nice, now," said Mom,
turning down the kettle.

  Sam gave her a look and went up the
stairs.  Nick followed behind
her.  They met Tessa on the way
down.

  "Hi," she said.

  "Hi," said Nick.  "Are you Sam's sister?"

  "Uh-huh," said Tessa.

  "Uh, Nick, this is Tessa,"
Sam said.

  "I'm five."

  "Really?"

  Tessa nodded.  "But next year I'll be six."

  "Amazing!" said Nick.  "Well, I'll see you around."

  "Where're you going?"

  "Up," said Sam.

  "We're going to look for clues about
how your dog disappeared," said Nick.

  "Can I come?"

  "May I.  I guess," said Sam.

  Tessa smiled and took her sister's
hand, and the three marched up the stairs.

 

 

 

  Nick stood at the window.  "Feels solid to me," he said,
pushing gently on the glass. 
"Are you sure?"

  "Yes!" said Sam,
exasperated.  "And you said
you'd try to believe it."

  Tessa sat down on the bed.

  "You're sure you didn't dream that
part of it?" said Nick.

  "Fine," said Sam grouchily,
"I'll prove that to you.  Look
at the bed: dog hairs.  Smudges of
dirt - he stood on it.  It's even
still a little damp."

  "Damp?" said Nick, examining
the bed.  "You're right, it
is  damp... he must have been sopping
wet last night."

  That was true - Sam hadn't thought of
that.  "He was," she said
thoughtfully.  "He even
smelled wet."

  "So he'd already been out
then?"

  "I guess," Sam said.  "But how?  He can't get through the cat flap, and
all the windows were shut."

  Tessa watched, quietly sucking the very
tip of her thumb.

  "Maybe he fell in his water
bowl?" Nick suggested.

  "We'd have noticed the
puddle," said Sam.

  "I still think he was stricken by
lightning," said Tessa.

  "I don't think that would work,"
said Nick.  "Ionized atoms
can't penetrate solid matter."

  "Oh," said Tessa, nodding.

  "What's happening in here?"
asked Fred, poking his head in the doorway.

  "Talking about ionization
again?" asked Jason, coming up next to him.  "My physics teacher thought today would be a good day
to teach us about thunder and lightning, in lightning of what happened last
night."

  Fred groaned and shoved Jason.

  "His words!" yelled Jason,
shoving Fred back.

  "All right, all right,"
yelled Sam, "if you all want to have a party in here, go ahead.  See if I care.  Fred, Jason, this is Nick, he's on my
Frisbee team, and he's here to look for clues about Furrier disappearing."

  "Why couldn't he have been
stricken by lightning?" cried Tessa.

  "Because lightning is a lot of
atoms, and the atoms couldn't have gone through the roof and hit him without
hitting us and burning the house down. 
Which, obviously, didn't happen."  Jason crossed his arms and looked smug.

  Tessa wasn't done.  "But maybe the stars protected
us?"

  Sam sighed.  "Maybe they would have!  Maybe they wouldn't have!  Your lightning theory isn't possible anyway!"

  Tessa pouted, jumped off the bed, and
ran past her two brothers.  Sam
could hear her thumping down the stairs. 
"Mommy?" she called. 
"Was it lightning?  Are
stars reeeeaaaaaal..." Her voice faded as she ran into the kitchen.

  Sam slapped her hand over her
eyes.  "Come on," she
said to Nick.  "If you're done
here.  Let's check out the
backyard."

 

 

 

 

 

Word count:  3936.  Days: 3.  Yay!  Goal:  60,000 words by June 13th.  Yayay!

submitted by Oregano, age 13
(June 15, 2011 - 7:44 pm)

I love that prolouge!!!!!!!!!!
It is sooo good, I was like "Nooooooo!" when it was over. That's a book I would toatlly read!

Oh, but I do have one slight problem, "Tessa sat
huddled in her bed, wishing it would stop raining and thundering and flashing"

I think it would be better to say "Tessa sat huddled in her bed, wishing it would stop raining, thundering and flashing"

You might have put all the "and"s because she's five, but, I still thought I should put it out there...

submitted by Vida
(June 16, 2011 - 9:59 am)

Thanks Vida! I'll have a look at everyone's comments, thanks!  And I'm really sorry about the lines thing, that's Microsoft Word's problem.  So, here's some more...

 

 

 

  Nick surveyed the small yard, then
looked up at the side of the house. 
"Which window's yours?" he asked.

  "That one," said Sam,
pointing.  "Both of those two
are, but that's the one he disappeared from."

  "He jumped out the window."

  "That's what I said, isn't
it?"

  "So if he jumped, there'd be a
place here where he hit the ground. 
We'd see a dent or paw prints or something, or at least a lot of
mud."

  Sam walked out onto the wet grass.  "Right around here," she said.

  "Depends," said Jason.  "If he wasn't going that fast,
he'd have fallen closer to the window."

  "Well, he was going pretty darn
fast when he passed me!" said Sam indignantly.

  "How fast, exactly?" said
Fred, whipping out a calculator. 
"If the window is twenty-five feet off the ground, and the bed is
two feet from the outside of the window -" He started stabbing at the
buttons.

  "Well, I don't know!" said
Sam.  "I'm not a speed
gun!"

  Fred ignored her, saying "Let's see, if he was going ten
miles per hour - he jumps straight out - he loses that much velocity from the bed to the window?  No, wait, he must have jumped up and forward - so if he went up three inches at the speed of -"

  Nick knelt on the ground.  "There's no dent here," he
said.  "I don't think he
landed."

  "What do you mean?" Sam said
skeptically.  "He vanished in
thin air?  He flew away?  I find that hard to believe."

  Nick stood up.  "He jumped through solid glass?  I find that hard to believe too."

  "Right here!" cried
Fred.  "He would have landed
right here, and here are two dents, see? 
His two paws, maybe!"

  Sam looked down.  "Fred, stop daydreaming, those are
the dents Nick's knees made in the ground."

  Fred stood up.  "Well, maybe over here,
then," he said, and started crawling around.

  Tessa rounded the corner of the
house.  "Hi," she said to
Nick.  "Sam!"

  Sam turned to look at her, the innocent
face indignant.

  "Sam, Mommy says the stars don't
do what you said they did!"

  Sam groaned.  "Tess, I just told you that so you'd fall asleep.  You want to help Fred look for where
Furrier would have landed?"

  Tessa nodded vigorously and crawled
across the lawn, full of purpose.

  "Nick, I saw him jump!"

  "I didn't," Nick returned.

  "He did!  Tessa was there - no wait, she was asleep.  Well, you saw he was in my room,
right?"

  "Uh-huh," said Nick.

  "And he's not anywhere to be found
now."

  "Sure, unless you're hiding him in
a kennel somewhere."

  "Why would I do that?  We've been over this before, and I am
sticking to my story!"

  "Okay," said Nick.  "Well, I can't find any
clues.  Put up LOST DOG posters.  Post an inquiry on the Internet.  Tell the newspaper."

  "Sure," said Jason.  "I can see the headlines now:  DOG JUMPS THROUGH SOLID GLASS.  GIRL, AGE 14, IS ONLY WITNESS."

  "Stop it, Jason!" snapped
Sam.  "You'd say the same
things if you'd seen it happen!"

  "Kids?" called Mom, sliding
open the kitchen window.  "A
little quieter, please.  Can you come
in?"

 

 

 

  "I'm hungry," complained
Jason, opening the refrigerator.

  "No snacks till dinner.  Close that door," said Mom.  "Nick, do you need to call your
family to let them know where you are?"

  "No, thanks, Mrs. Greene,"
Nick said.  "They don't mind
what I do, as long as I don't leave the nieghborhood and I'm home for
dinner.  Mom and Dad won't be back
from work for another couple hours anyway."

  "Lucky," muttered Sam.

  Tessa sat down on the floor with a
book.

  "What do you do in Frisbee?"
Fred asked Nick.

  "You throw a Frisbee around - you
have two teams, and they pass it back and forth..."

  "Kind of like soccer?" said
Jason.

  Sam rolled her eyes.

  "Yeah, like soccer, except in the
air."

  Tessa looked up from her book.  "Mommy, what's rational?"

  "I'm rational.  You're rational.  So are Sam and Nick and Fred and
Jason.  It means capable of thought
and active decision."  Mom
stirred a boiling pot of water and shook some pasta into it.

  "Really?"

  "Mm-hm."

  "What does that mean?"

  "Tessa?" Nick said, looking
at her strangely.  "Can I see
that book you're reading?"

  Tessa handed it over.  "I found it in the bookcase in the
living room."

  "Human reaction to physiology? 
You can understand this?"

  "Tess," said Sam.  "why are you reading that?"

  "I wanted to understand the human
reaction to phys'yology," said Tessa.

  "You can read?" said Nick.

  Tessa nodded.  "Mommy taught me this year," she said.  "I'm reading a lot of books
now."

  "What's your... favorite
book?" said Nick, as though he couldn't really believe she could read.

  "I liked the Boxcar
Children," Tessa said. 
"It's in the bookcase in my room now.  I reread a chapter every night before bedtime."

  "I liked the Boxcar Children,
too," said Nick.  "It's a
lot of fun."

  "I'm learning to type now,"
said Tessa.  "Mommy lets me
type on the computer and I write stories and I write about the characters in my
books."

  "How would you like to show me
some of it?" asked Nick.

  "Sure," said Tessa happily,
and, getting up, went into the living room.  Sam could hear the computer starting up.  She had to admit Nick was very tolerant
of Tessa, more tolerant than she usually was.  She got up and went into the living room, too, with Nick
following behind her.

  "Sam!" called Tessa.  "Can you log it in?"

  Sam punched in the password.

  Tessa opened a folder on the desktop,
and pulled up a file called "Tessa's writing from 2010."

  Nick leaned over her shoulder and
started reading.  It was dark in
the living room.  Sam went over to
the corner to turn on a lamp, and suddenly stepped on something soft and
squishy.  She gasped and jumped
back.  There was a loud yowl and
Coat-of-Legs shot out from where her foot had been.  He sat down in the corner, licking himself.

  Sam glared at him, breathless.  "Coat-of-Legs!  You cat, you!"

  Coat-of-Legs stalked off into the
kitchen, waving his tail.

  Sam turned on the light.  Nick straightened up.  "That's great!" he was saying
to Tessa.  "Keep
writing!"

  Tessa grinned and shut the file.

  Nick walked over to Sam.  "Is there anywhere else I could
look for clues?  I have another
hour."

  "I don't know," said Sam.

  "Where does he usually
sleep?" asked Nick.

  Sam pointed.  "His bed's in that corner, and Coat-of-Legs's bed is in
that corner."

  Nick went over to the dog bed, and felt
it.  "It's dry," he
said.  "He got wet after he
was in it."

  Sam felt it too.  "You're right.  How could he have gotten wet,
though?"

  "It was raining last night,"
said Nick.

  "But he was wet before he jumped
out the window," Sam said.

  "If he did it once, maybe he could
do it again," said Nick.

 

 

 

 

Word count: 5239.  Days:  3.

submitted by Oregano/AAA, age 13, doingmyownNaNoWriMo
(June 16, 2011 - 1:13 pm)

  They were silent for a minute.  Tessa watched them from the computer
chair.

  "You mean he went to bed, got up,
went out, came in, then went out again through my window?" said Sam.

  "Maybe," said Nick.

  "Maybe he was stricken by
lightning when he was outside the first time?" said Tessa.

  "Maybe," said Nick, "but
if that had happened, I don't think he would have come back in."

  Sam walked across the room and sat down
in the arm of an armchair. 
"Why was he jumping out, though?"

  Nick sat on another chair.  "Maybe he didn't jump out.  Maybe he didn't mean to."

  "Something pulled him out?"
said Sam.

  "Maybe the lightning pulled him
out!" said Tessa.

  "I don't think so," said
Nick.

  Fred and Jason walked in, Jason holding
Coat-of-Legs.  They sat down, and
Coat-of-Legs jumped down from Jason's lap and stretched himself, flexing his
claws into the rug.

  "Do you think Coat-of-Legs could
do it too?" said Sam.

  "Maybe," said Nick.  "I don't know."

  Tessa pulled out a string and started
playing with Coat-of-Legs.

  "Well," said Nick, "I
guess my job as a detective is done here. 
I may as well go home." 
He got up and went into the kitchen.  Sam follwed him. 
"Goodbye, Mrs. Greene," he said.  Mom was draining the pasta.  "I'm heading home."

  "It was nice to meet you,
Nick," said Mom.  "Would
you like a ride?"

  "No thanks," he said.  "I'll walk, it's only a few
blocks."

  "Okay.  Please come over again sometime."

  "I will, if the mystery isn't
solved," he said.  "Nice
to meet you, too."  He picked
up his backpack and trudged out the door. 
Sam watched him go.

  Fred sauntered into the kitchen.  "He's haaaaandsome, iiisn't
he!" he cried.  "Niiiick
loves Saaaam!  Saaaaam loves
Niiiiiiiiiick!"

  "Stop that!" yelled Sam,
tackling him.

 

 

 

  The key turned in the lock, and Dad
walked in.  "Hi,
everyone," he said. 
"Furrier come back yet?"

  Tessa shook her head.  She was sitting at the computer, typing
away, punching key after key with her short little index fingers.  Dad leaned over her shoulder.

 

Yesturday furyer
disappeered.  I think he was
striken by litening.  But Daddy and
Nik say that iunized atums cant pennetrate sollid mater.

 

  "Who's Nik?" said Dad.

  "Nick is Sam's friend," said
Tessa.  "He wanted to look for
clues about Furrier's disappearance."

  "Did he find anything?"

  "I don't think so," said
Tessa.  "But he thinks Furrier
had gone outside before he jumped out Sam's window."

  "I don't think he jumped out
ours," said Dad.  "Is he
here?"

  "No," said Tessa.  "He went home for dinner."

 

Fred thinks Sam
luvs Nik.  But Nik went home for
diner.

 

  He kissed the top of her head and moved
into the kitchen.

  "So, Sam," said Dad.  "Who's this Nik who's so famous
around here all of a sudden?"

  Sam was cutting up a cucumber for her
mother.  "He's on my Frisbee
team."

  "Is he good?"

  "Pretty good."

  Mom turned off the front burner on the
stove.  "We can eat
whenever," she said.

  "Good," said Dad, smelling
the roast beef.  "How about
six?"

  "Sure," said Mom.  "Fred, Jason, can you two set the
table?"

 

 

 

  Sam undressed slowly and
methodically.  The night was clear
and she could see the stars and the moon. 
She missed Furrier.  She
snapped off the light and crawled under the covers.  But she couldn't sleep.  She snapped the light on again, and pulled out her journal.

 

  June 11th, 2010.

  Dear diary,

  I miss Furrier.  Why couldn't I have stopped him as he
jumped past me?  I could have
grabbed onto his collar.  I
didn't.  He's gone now.  I don't know how.  He went through the window like it was
water.  Even Nick can't figure out
why.  He's pretty smart too.  Now he'll never come back.  I miss Furrier.

 

  Sam set the journal aside and lay
down.  A monent later she was
asleep.

 

 

  Five hours later she realized she was
awake.  Why did I wake up? she
wondered.  Then she woke up a bit
more, and sat up.  She gasped.

  There were two eyes at the foot of her
bed, glinting in the light from the streetlights outside.

  Will this be my death? she
thought.  Is it an evil kidnapper
man who's going to kill me in cold blood?

  The eyes approached, with a clicking
sound, and she saw it was Furrier.

  "Furrier!  Where did you come from?" she
whispered happily.  The dog jumped
onto her bed.

  She pulled her legs under her and
embraced him.  He broke out of her
hug and stood a little further from her, at the foot of her bed.  She got on her hands and knees and
crawled towards him.

  "Furrier!  I've missed you so much!"

  But he jumped off the bed and trotted
over to her window, the same one he'd jumped out of the night before.  Sam slid out of bed and stood by the
window with him.  He whined softly.

  "It's solid, isn't it?" she
whispered.

  Furrier wagged his tail and
panted.  He went to the door and
looked at her.

  Sam understood the look, somehow.  "I'll stay here," she said.

  Furrier clicked out of the room.  A few minutes later he reappeared with
a happy Tessa in tow.

  "He's back!" she whispered.

  "He is," said Sam.  "but I'm not sure why he wants the
two of us to celebrate here with him at two in the morning."

  Furrier whined again.  He shook himself vigorously.  Then he leaped up onto the bed again.

  "No!" whispered Sam loudly,
holding onto his dog collar, as Tessa ran up.  "You won't leave us again - Tess - come help me hold
him -"

  But Furrier jumped, and then, before
Sam could think "help!" or "no!", they were all three of
them sailing through something very cold... into a dark bedroom.

 

Little cliffhanger for you guys!

submitted by Oregano, age 13, doingmyNaNoWriMo
(June 17, 2011 - 12:01 pm)

Write more! Write more! Pretty please? That was AMAZING! I don't have any criticism to add. I'm not usually the kind of person to tell you what you're doing wrong because I usually can't find anything wrong. :-)

Anyways, please keep writing! I LOVE reading your posts! Looking forward to the next part!

submitted by Princess P.
(June 17, 2011 - 4:19 pm)