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I'm writing a
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I'm writing a
I'm writing a new story [I have like 8!] so I was wondering if you guys could critiqe it and help me! It's a romance. I'm really into it!
I haven't titled it yet:
Chapter One
"I thought you were different!" I said through tears. "I thought maybe, just maybe you liked me for me, not my fame and money."
"Come on Baby, I am different, I love you, that's how I'm differnent." Carson said grabbing my arm.
I jerked my arm away. "Don't give me that! That's every guy's excuse. You're just another guy who dated me because you wanted something! Get out of my house now! I don't want to see your face ever again! Leave!" I said turning away.
"I didn't want anything from you. I love you. Be realistic.". I paused, what if Carson truly loves me? I could be making a deadly mistake. No, No, No! This is what he wants me to think! I heard him on the phone! He likes all the attention and publicity! Stop it!
I turned back to face him. "Oh really? Ok then, explain to me what I heard on the phone yesterday. This is what you said 'I'll try to get the money as soon as I can. Plus, I'm dating someone else. I can't brake up with her.' Hmm, explain!"
Carson laughed "No, I told you, this guy says I need to pay him money because of a bet I lost, and ah, you're the girl I'm dating. Come on."
"I don't belive you."
"Please Alicia, I'll do anything. I love you." For a moment I actully belived him.
"No you won't. It's over Carson. Goodbye." I didn't want it to be over, but it had to be, he took advantage of me.
I turned to walk up the stairs when Carson once again grabbed my arm. He pulled me close to his face. He kissed my lips. I kissed back. No! Stop! This is what he wants me to do! I tried to fight, but he was stronger.
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Ok, that's all I have, so far. Please, please, please give me all the critisim you'd like [it helpps me become a better writer.].
Thanks,
♥Vida♥
submitted by Vida, age 11
(June 16, 2011 - 10:29 am)
(June 16, 2011 - 10:29 am)
It's great! It really pulled me in there. So, I'm not sure about the capitalization of "baby," since that's kind of a word that's come into common usage, but maybe that's good. The thing is, it would almost make a better chapter for the middle of the book. It needs a little explanation (sorry!) since it's just kind of the first chapter. Who are they? When is it set? Why was she going out with him to begin with? It doesn't really seem to fit with anything else, sorry... if there were other chapters explaining the background, that would help. Plus why is she famous? And is Carson really evil, or what?
(June 16, 2011 - 1:29 pm)
I agree with Oregano. It's really good but it needs more explanation. It could be a prologue and then you go back a bit until that moment. The story so far makes me want to read more.
(June 18, 2011 - 1:48 pm)
TOP!
(June 19, 2011 - 3:56 pm)
I really like it. There are a few spelling mistakes but that isn't bad. I also agree with AAA and Lizzy. The chapter needs some more explanation. Maybe you were spying on Carson for some reason or something... Just an idea! :) It's great though! I'd love to hear more.
(June 20, 2011 - 8:24 am)