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NEW STORY!PL
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NEW STORY!PL
NEW STORY!
PLEASE CRITIQUE [how do ya spell that word again??]!!
OK, this doesn't mean I'm coming back, but I have a bunch of online classes for school.
Please critique it!! Do it even if I'm not posting, I'll try to come on Wednesdays and Mondays! So here it is!
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Chapter One
Fleeing
“Victoria! Victoria!” my mother said shaking, me awake.
I opened my eyes. My mother was standing over me. I could tell in the dim light that she had been crying.
Still groggy from my sleep I said, “What is wrong Mother?” At first she did not reply. I asked again. Then she said, “There is no time for questions. Get dressed. We are leaving at once.” I nodded and got dressed hurriedly.
Should I pack an overnight bag? I asked myself.
My mother walked in my room and said to pack two jeans and three tops. I did as she requested.
Once I gathered all the belongings I was going to take, I closed my bedroom door and hurried to the living room where my mother, Jessica, sat
biting her fingernails. She looked up. “Oh,” said Mother. “Good, you're done. Sorry for not giving you any explanation, honey. But I will explain in the car.”
Mom grabbed her keys and we both headed to the garage where the car was. Once in the car, I shoved my stuff in the backseat.
“So Mom,” I said, “I had a really scary dream tonight. Would you like to hear it? It would make me—“
“No Victoria. I know it will make you feel better to get it out, but not now. I am thinking over so much and we are in great danger. There might even be a bug in the car. Now when we stop then maybe. I am going to rent a car. When we are in that car then you may tell me. It is not safe now. We are not far enough from town or even out of the car. I am sorry Darling, but it will have to wait.”
We drove in the cold, snowy, rainy night. Though I could barely see out the frozen car window, I could make out the old candy factory, the now-frozen creek, an old gas station, a closed-down shopping center, and a big old church.
I asked mother again why she is acting so crazy, she just looked at me and shook her head as if saying you do not understand. Finally, she stopped the car, and told me to grab my stuff and get out.
I did so. She said to give my stuff to her and go to the restroom. When I came back from the restroom Mother was not at the door where I had left her.
“Excuse me, Miss,” I asked. “My mother, Jesse, she was just at the door; do you happen to know where she might have gone?
The girl replied in her heavy country accent. “Yes Darling. She is just outside, at the gas pump. She just rented a car hon. She is towards the back. Since its so cold, you can take the back door." The girl showed me to a shabby door. She said that my mother was just outside at pump number eight. I thanked her and ran to my mother fast as lightning. She was shivering and filling the new Ford Fusion with gas.
“Get in car Victoria. I put your stuff I the backseat. Brr, it is so cold. Hurry up and get in. I don’t want you freezing to death.” I got in the car.
About two minutes later my mother came shivering in. She fumbled with the keys then relented. ”Oh darn! Vic you do this, I’m too cold!!” I took the keys from her and put them in their proper position.
Once the car was started, Mother took off.
After we were a good distance from the rental car place, Mother said, “Ok. We are far enough out of town. This is what happened:”
Suddenly, a car barreled into us.
“Victoria!! Are you okay?” screamed my mother.
“Mommy!” I yelled. I felt like a child at that moment. I hadn’t called my mom “Mommy" in so long. The last thing I remember was flashing lights. Then, darkness.
Chapter Two
Close call
I awoke. There were white lights all around. People scurrying about.
Where was I? Am I dead? What is going on?
A lady in a blue nurse’s outfit came over to me and patted my arm. “How ya feeling’ darling?”
I tried to sit up – but there was a sharp pain in my lower back. I couldn’t talk, I could barely whisper.
“I, I don’t remember anything? Where am I?” I said starting to sob.
She gasped and said, “Honey, you are in the hospital. You were in a horrible car accident. Your mom is down the hall.” I sobbed even more.
“Who is, is she? I don’t remember anything. Who are you? Why am I here? Tell me!”
“Hon, you had an accident. My name is Elaine. I’m here to help. Now, can you tell me your age?”
“I, I, I don’t know my age. I think I, I might be 13? I don’t know OK?” The pain in my lower back was almost unbareable.
“It’s alright sweetie. Do you know your name?”
“I, I think its…” I paused to think.
What is my name? Velina? No. Vivian? No. Vicki? No. Victoria! That’s it! Victoria!
“Victoria.”
“Oh good, you remember your name.” She wrote something on her clipboard. ”And how are you feeling? Do you have any pain or soreness?”
I wanted to yell and say everything was sore and I have a lot of pain, but instead, I said, ”Oh yeah. I have this weird sharp pain in my lower back. It’s off and on. And my throat is really super sore.” I pointed to my throat. She nodded and walked out.
I wonder what happened. All I remember was… I don’t remember anything but yelling “Mommy”. What
happened? How long have I been here? Why won’t anyone tell me?! Is Mom alright? Where is that nurse, what was her name? El.. Elaine?
Suddenly, Elaine walked in with a cup of water and another bottle with liquid. She came over to me and told me to try and sit up. I tried but that sharp pain came back even worse. Sometimes when people say the pain was “unbearable” I always wondered what they meant. Now I know. It’s not funny, and it certainly isn’t pleasant. It hurts. It hurts so bad I just want to scream.
“Ow, ow, ow, I can’t that pain is really bad,” I stressed the “really” part.
She looked concerned. “OK. I will be right back. Don’t move, got it?” I nodded.
Why did she look like that? And why can’t I move?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, whatcha think? Sorry for grammer mistakes and stuff, I don't have much time.
submitted by VIDA!, age ALMOST 12!
(October 10, 2011 - 12:13 pm)
(October 10, 2011 - 12:13 pm)
I like it! :D very mysterious.
(October 11, 2011 - 5:48 pm)
CONTINUE!!!!!! I DO NOT CARE ABOUT GRAMMAR MISTAKES. IT IS AWESOME!!!!
Spammythecat says fgue. Fugue... you missed a letter Spammy.
(October 12, 2011 - 4:45 pm)
Awesomeness! Please write more! And it's good to see you, Vida!
(October 12, 2011 - 7:25 pm)
Very good. But when the characters are speaking, use contractions.
(October 12, 2011 - 6:27 pm)
You know, I normally ignore threads like these, but that's a really good story!!`
(October 13, 2011 - 11:23 am)
This is really good! I want to find out what happens. I don't really care about grammar mistakes, but when the characters are talking, it sounds a little forced and unnatural. Try using contractions in dialogue, or even in the narrative (like SC said). Like if you were to change this:
Still groggy from my sleep I said, “What is wrong Mother?” At
first she did not reply. I asked again. Then she said, “There is no time for questions. Get dressed. We are leaving at once.” I nodded and got dressed hurriedly.
It would be this:
Still groggy from my sleep I said, “What's wrong, Mother?” At
first she didn't reply. I asked again. Then she said, “There's no time for questions. Get dressed. We're leaving at once.” I nodded and got dressed hurriedly.
Otherwise, I think it's really good! And lots of suspense at the end.
P.S. Do you mind if I name a charrie in one of my stories Vida? She's a life-mage, so I thought it would be fitting. :)
(October 16, 2011 - 4:53 pm)
Thanks for the insights (: I'm considering them a lot (: And, what do you mean?
P.S. Happy Birthday! You are 13 now correct? (;
(October 17, 2011 - 7:04 pm)
OK(: I haven't edited, but I've added(: Sorry for the Microsoft junk!
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****************************************************
Chapter Two
Close call
<><><><><><><><><><><><>
I awoke. There were white lights all
around. People scurrying about.
Where was I? Am I dead? What is
going on?
A lady in a blue nurse’s outfit came
over to me and patted my arm. “How ya feeling’ darling?”
I tried to sit up – but there was a
sharp pain in my lower back. I couldn’t talk, I could barely whisper.
“I, I don’t remember anything? Where
am I?” I said starting to sob.
She gasped and said, “Honey, you are
in the hospital. You were in a horrible car accident. Your mom is down the
hall.” I sobbed even more.
“Who is, is she? I don’t remember
anything. Who are you? Why am I here? Tell me!”
“Hon, you had an accident. My name
is Elaine. I’m here to help. Now, can you tell me your age?”
“I, I, I don’t know my age. I think
I, I might be 14? I don’t know OK?” The pain in my lower back was almost
unbearable.
“It’s alright sweetie. Do you know
your name?”
“I, I think it's…” I paused to think.
What is my name? Velina? No. Vivian?
No. Vicki? No. Victoria! That’s it! Victoria!
“Victoria.”
“Oh good, you remember your name.”
She wrote something on her clipboard. ”And how are you feeling? Do you have any
pain or soreness?”
I wanted to yell and say everything
was sore and I have a lot of pain, but instead, I said, ”I'm really sore
everywhere. My throat hurts too! And I have a sharp pain in my back. Help me!”
I pointed to my throat. She nodded and walked out.
I wonder what happened. All I
remember was… I don’t remember anything but yelling “Mommy”. What had happened?
How long have I been here? Why won’t anyone tell me?! Is Mom alright? Where is
that nurse, what was her name? El.. Elaine?
Suddenly, Elaine walked in with a
cup of water and another bottle with liquid. She came over to me and told me to
try and sit up. I tried but that sharp pain came back even worse. Sometimes
when people say the pain was “unbearable” I always wondered what they meant.
Now I know. It’s not funny, and it certainly isn’t pleasant. It hurts. It hurts
so bad I just want to scream.
“Ow, ow, ow, I can’t, that pain is
really bad,” I stressed the “really” part.
She looked concerned. “OK. I will be
right back. Don’t move, got it?” I nodded.
Why did she look like that? And why
can’t I move?
Suddenly Elaine and a man in a white
doctor's coat came rushing in. They went to a corner and whispered. The man
wrote stuff on his clipboard.
"OK. Has she had any types of
cancer or disease?"
"Not sure. I'll go check her
records. I really hope this kid's alright. She's a real darling." Elaine
left.
The doctor came over to me.
"Hello Vicki. Oh, is it okay I call you that, hon?"
"I don't care. Just help me! I
CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN!"
"OK, OK, Elaine and I are
trying Vicki. My name is Doctor Eason, you can call me E though. Now, have you
ever had cancer?"
"No! I'm heathly! OK?"
"Yes, yes sweetie, you are, but
sometimes"--he paused--"bad things happen to good, healthy people.
Honey, you're going to get better. Now, I need you to sit up." I gave him
a pained look. "I know it hurts Victoria Grace. But please."
"How do you know my middle
name?! I can't sit up! It hurts too much. Ow, ow, there it is again, this time
it's worse!"
"Sorry. Wait, how does it hurt
more?"
"I'm sore, but then when I sit
up the sharp pain comes back sharper! I thought you were a doctor!"
"I'm trying. OK, your condition
sounds worse. Stay and don't move!" He ran out of the room.
"Wait! No! Condition?! Why
won't anyone tell me anything?!" I screamed after him.
Elaine came walking in looking at
her clipboard and saying "OK Doctor, no sign of cancer or anything really
serious, but she has had history of back pain. Hmm, could that have
something to do with--" She looked up. I think she saw the terror on my
face because she said, "Oh, I apologize hon! Discard every last word I
said! I don't mean to worry you. Now, where is that doctor?" She walked
out muttering to herself.
I closed my eyes. I imagined my best
friend, Christian. He was always there for me. When I was in the hospital
because of my intense back pain, he was there every day after school. I smiled.
He was the best best friend anyone could have.
He died last year. I was so
overcome, I didn't go to his funeral. I didn't visit his parents. I didn't even
go to school for about a week and a half. I just stayed in my bed, crying. He
and I were always together.
We were so looking forward to
freshman year. I didn't know how I could do it. I didn't know if I could
do it. Chris and I were "BFF's". I was literally devastated when he
died. His parents told my mom he died of a sudden death. He never showed signs
of disease, never told me about anything. I was his best friend. If he was ill
he would have told me! I start to cry. Why am I all of a sudden thinking about
him? He's been dead almost a year and a half. I should have stopped my grieving
by now. But I haven't, and I may never. He was my best friend.
Everyone thought we were together.
But it was only like that for about a year. We never actually went on a date, but
he always asked me to school dances. Always told me I looked pretty. Kissed my
cheek. I remember one time in 7th grade, about a year before he passed, he took
me to the winter dance. It was so romantic and so lovely. I remember dancing, and
then when it was over, we went out to the back just to hang out. We were
talking. He leaned in and brushed his lips on mine. I put my arms around his
neck and we just stood there for who knows how long kissing, hugging. He was my
first boyfriend. We were together until the end – literally! I miss him so
much. I wish he were here with me. To help me.
(October 20, 2011 - 12:08 pm)
OK, the paragraphing and stuff is totally jacked up, I'll go fix it later.
Top! In the name of top. I command this thread to go to the top... well go on... now!
(October 24, 2011 - 4:21 pm)