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Last Friday, I
Last Friday, I rather foolishly stayed up till four am doodling, and ended up with a very strange Discworld/Twilight comic in which Margolotta showed up at the baseball game (courtesy of Time Lord!Vetinari, natch) instead of James and Co.
And the idea wouldn't leave me alone in the morning, so I'm writing a play. Of sorts. It is not actually finished yet, but I am enjoying myself muchly.
This is why my brain needs a baby sitter.
***
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
DR. CARLISLE CULLEN: Founder of a clan of “vegetarian,” pacifist vampires.
ESME CULLEN: His wife.
EDWARD CULLEN: Their firstborn son, who until recently spent his days in ceaseless, unending, lonely agony.
ROSALIE HALE: Their impossibly beautiful first daughter.
EMMETT CULLEN: Her lover.
JASPER HALE: The empath, who came to the Cullens trailing a bloody history in the south.
ALICE CULLEN: A precog and Jasper’s lover.
BELLA SWAN: A human, Edward’s reason for living.
ARO, CAIUS, and MARCUS: Leaders of the Volturi, who rule over the vampires of the world.
STEFAN and VLADIMIR: Former leaders who were overthrown by the Volturi.
LADY MARGOLOTTA VON ÜBERWALD: Our heroine… for a given value of heroics.
LORD HAVELOCK: Closeted Time Lord (he has to be! it’s the only thing that makes sense!!) and Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, without whom this contrivance would not be possible.
SETTING
Briefly, Überwald. Afterwards, Earth.
TIME
On the Discworld, a Hogswatchnight at the tail end of the Century of the Fruit Bat. On Earth, early 2007.
:::
SCENE I - PROLOGUE, or, A CONTRIVANCE
A dim room, lit only by a fire in the grate and the occasional candle. Bookshelves line the walls, and fat, chintz armchairs are arranged pleasingly around the fireplace. Several mismatched, knitted stockings-- all with bat motifs-- hang from the mantle. A Thud board, with the game halfway finished, stands in one corner. The trolls seem to be winning. A slightly chipped china tea set, patterned with daisies, sits on a sideboard, beside a small platter of biscuits In one corner stands a perfectly normal wardrobe that nevertheless seems distinctly out of place, not least because it stands directly in front of a door.
LADY MARGOLOTTA sits at the Thud board with a tall, fluted glass filled with… wine in her hand, leaning pensively on one arm and staring at the wardrobe. She wears a fluffy pink sweater with bats on it. The wardrobe opens and LORD VETINARI steps neatly out of it, cane tapping neatly against the floor and brushing a bit of snow off of the shoulder of his faded black coat.
MARGOLOTTA
You are late.
VETINARI
An occupational hazard, I’m afraid, madam.
(There is a brief, tension-laden pause while they stare at each other. Then MARGOLOTTA smiles. There is a hint of fang.)
MARGOLOTTA
Quite.
(Pause)
Do sit down.
(VETINARI crosses to sit opposite her at the Thud board. He moves one of the dwarf pieces absentmindedly. MARGOLOTTA moves a troll in the same manner. The game continues at a fair clip, with few captures. After a moment.)
VETINARI
Happy Hogswatch, anyway.
MARGOLOTTA
Yes.
VETINARI (nodding towards the stockings)
The bats are a nice touch.
MARGOLOTTA
A gift from Miss Healstether. I believe she made one for Drumknott, as well.
VETINARI
Ah, yes.
(They exchange smiles. The slight formality of the past few minutes evaporates.)
VETINARI
We really must do this more often. I’m afraid I’ve quite forgotten how to relax.
MARGOLOTTA
I doubt you ever knew in the first place.
VETINARI
Hm. A fascinating hypothesis.
(he considers)
And quite likely an accurate one.
MARGOLOTTA (dry)
Havelock, dear, I sleep more often than you.
VETINARI (airily)
Überwald sleeps. Ankh-Morpork does not.
MARGOLOTTA
Hm.
(she smiles at him fondly)
You should come to visit more often, however.
VETINARI
Yes.
(pause)
We seem to have regressed to our usual script.
MARGOLOTTA
That’s the trouble with spy networks, they cut out all the need for light conversation.
VETINARI
Yes.
(For a moment the only sound is the clicking of stone pieces against the Thud board, and then)
VETINARI
I have a rather unorthodox Hogswatch present for you.
MARGOLOTTA (wry)
Oh? And to think I merely sent you the usual neurotic ambassadorial party.
VETINARI
Such fascinating gentlemen they were, too. Particularly Mr. von Münig. No doubt you received news of his, ah, disagreement with Dr. Whiteface? Quite spectacular.
(MARGOLOTTA laughs)
MARGOLOTTA
I’m glad you enjoyed them. As for my present…?
VETINARI
Ah, yes.
(he takes a deep breath)
How closely do you follow the Roundworld project at the Unseen University?
MARGOLOTTA (shrugging)
Closely enough to know that they accidentally created a world without magic.
VETINARI
In fact, they replicated a world with very little magic.
(VETINARI steeples his fingers together and peers over them.)
MARGOLOTTA (dry)
Of all your assorted quirks, Havelock, I think I miss the Time Lord lectures most.
VETINARI (frowning at her)
Oh, this hardly a lecture. The point is, the Roundworld is a rough copy of an already-established world, which, at present, suffers from a rather interesting political stasis within its vampire population.
(pause)
And I propose to send you to the original world for a few weeks. You will, of course, be gone for only a moment or two.
MARGOLOTTA (slow smile)
An entire world to myself?
VETINARI
Yes.
MARGOLOTTA
For a whole month?
VETINARI
With, I should add, technology far beyond that of the Discworld, very little magic, and rather more people than are available in Überwald, or indeed the rest of the Disc.
MARGOLOTTA
An entirely unique set of rules, then.
VETINARI
Yes.
MARGOLOTTA (radiant smile)
You spoil me mercilessly, Havelock.
VETINARI (smiling too)
Yes.
MARGOLOTTA
When can I start?
(lights fade)
:::
So, yes. This is what happen when you go to college, you start writing nonsensical crossovers.
submitted by TNÖ, age Deep Space, 18
(November 13, 2011 - 9:59 pm)
(November 13, 2011 - 9:59 pm)
*slow clap* Well done.
But I already write nonsensical crossovers! I got an idea for an Eragon Discworld just last week!
(November 14, 2011 - 9:31 pm)
Argh Eragon/Discworld sounds AMAZING. Especially if it has Sybil in it...?
(November 14, 2011 - 11:58 pm)
But of course! Who better to point out the utter lack of viability of dragons as a mode of transportation? And then freak out with excitement at the idea of an entirely new species of dragon?
The original idea sparked from the desire to see Angela argue against the existence of toads with the toad from the Tiffany books.
I'll post some eventually.
(November 15, 2011 - 8:22 pm)
I love Sybil so much <3.
SO basically... post eet!
(November 15, 2011 - 8:34 pm)
SCENE II - MEETING THE CULLENS
Lights up on a rather dismal field. Trees in the distance. Thick storm clouds overhead. Several baseballs and bats lie strewn in the grass.
The CULLENs, all dressed in tacky baseball uniforms, gather protectively around BELLA, while ALICE squeezes her hands to either side of her head and mutters. They are all in varying states of panic, save BELLA, who looks merely vaguely concussed.
EDWARD (tensely)
When, Alice?
ALICE
I don’t know! It keeps changing!
(EDWARD snarls.)
EDWARD
And why can’t I hear her?!
CARLISLE (stoic)
Maybe she won’t be violent. Alice says she seems… calm. Perhaps she is merely curious?
ROSALIE (aside, to EMMETT)
I don’t see why Bella had to come tonight. If she weren’t here-
EDWARD
Shut UP, Rose.
BELLA
Well, she has a point… If any of you get hurt because of me...
EDWARD
No!
(suddenly tender)
You’re part of our family, Bella. We’ll keep you safe.
EMMETT
We can handle one vampire.
ALICE
Oh! It’s now! She’s coming… now!
(The CULLENs freeze. There is a noise like ‘twing!’ and MARGOLOTTA appears with a faint shimmer of light. She still holds her glass of… wine, and sips from it calmly as she takes in her surroundings. The CULLENs are somewhat taken aback by her appearance, except ALICE. MARGOLOTTA smiles at them all, showing a hint of fang.)
MARGOLOTTA (playing up the accent)
Good evenink.
(With what they clearly think is subtlety, the CULLENs rearrange themselves around BELLA, except ALICE, who now looks merely puzzled, and EDWARD, who is standing with one arm around his girlfriend and glowering at MARGOLOTTA with obvious frustration. MARGOLOTTA notes this all with apparent amusement.)
CARLISLE
Good… evening.
MARGOLOTTA (another sip of… wine)
I do hope I haffen’t interrupted anythink.
CARLISLE
No… we were just leaving, as a matter of fact.
MARGOLOTTA (the picture of innocence)
Finishink vhat, exactly?
CARLISLE
Our… our game.
(MARGOLOTTA gives the CULLENs a long, calculating look, and then twitches an eyebrow ever-so-slightly.)
MARGOLOTTA
And vhy, pray, are the seven of you clustered so protectively around zer sole member of your party vith a heartbeat?
(The effect is instantaneous: the CULLENs move smoothly into a battle stance, while EDWARD snarls furiously. MARGOLOTTA doesn’t so much as blink.)
EDWARD (hissing)
She isn’t for eating, if that’s what you mean!
MARGOLOTTA (enjoying herself)
Oh, I vouldn’t dream of such a think. I haff been on zer vagon for several years now.
(She smiles, all innocence and charm.)
CARLISLE
The… wagon?
MARGOLOTTA (another sip)
Yes. Zer vagon.
(radiant smile, reciting from an internal script)
It has been almost eight years now. It is difficult, but I am takink it vun night at a time, and there are compensations…
CARLISLE (utterly thrown)
You’re… a… vegetarian?
MARGOLOTTA (laughter)
I prefer zer term ‘b-totaler,’ for my part. But that vorks too, I suppose.
CARLISLE
But your eyes…
MARGOLOTTA
Vhat of them?
EDWARD (deeply suspicious)
They’re red.
MARGOLOTTA (puzzled)
Vell, yes. I am a vampire, after all.
EDWARD
But only human blood makes our eyes turn red!
(Long silence.)
MARGOLOTTA
Really?
CARLISLE
Yes.
MARGOLOTTA
Hm.
(aside)
Different rules indeed.
CARLISLE
What?
MARGOLOTTA
Nothink important.
(The wind changes, blowing the scent of MARGOLOTTA's… wine towards the CULLENs. All of them stiffen slightly, except CARLISLE.)
MARGOLOTTA
Vhat now?
JASPER (strangled)
Ah, ah, excuse me!
(He sprints off, covering his face with one hand.)
ALICE
Jazz!
(She follows. MARGOLOTTA raises a skeptical eyebrow.)
CARLISLE (slightly awed)
Good lord.
MARGOLOTTA
Vhat?
CARLISLE
You have excellent control, I must say.
(MARGOLOTTA clearly thinks he’s insane.)
MARGOLOTTA (forgetting the accent)
What are you talking about?
CARLISLE
Even I would have trouble sedately drinking blood from a glass as you do. And with a human so close by, too!
MARGOLOTTA (bewildered)
It isn’t that difficult… A little sublimation goes a long way, you know.
(When this is met with a look of blank incomprehension, MARGOLOTTA sighs.)
MARGOLOTTA
Very well, then. We’ll start over.
(pause, brightly)
My name, in the short form, is Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina von Überwald. What is yours?
CARLISLE
Er. Cullen. Carlisle Cullen.
(Very briefly, MARGOLOTTA waits for the rest of his name. When it becomes apparent that that’s it, she speaks.)
MARGOLOTTA
A pleasure to meet you, I’m sure. And the rest of your… family?
CARLISLE (gesturing appropriately)
My wife, Esme, and our adopted children, Edward and Bella, Rosalie and Emmett. The two who ran off were Jasper and Alice. Jasper still has… blood problems.
MARGOLOTTA
Ah, of course. Forgive me, had I known I would have left the drink behind.
(She drains the rest of the glass, then gestures vaguely. It vanishes.)
CARLISLE
Uh.
MARGOLOTTA
Tell me, how long have you… abstained from human blood?
CARLISLE
Oh… four centuries, give or take.
MARGOLOTTA
Ah. Quite an accomplishment I must say. And your Jasper, he must be new to the movement?
CARLISLE
Yes. He came to us in 1875.
MARGOLOTTA
And it’s now…?
BELLA (helpful chirp)
2007.
MARGOLOTTA (shocked)
He still has blood problems after a hundred and thirty-two years?!
CARLISLE (a trifle defensive)
He has a violent past. He was a soldier--
MARGOLOTTA
I was an evil empress. For two centuries.
(she raises an eyebrow)
It’s not an excuse.
EDWARD
Evil...What?
MARGOLOTTA (dismissive)
It was centuries ago, I committed vile atrocities the aftereffects of which are still being felt today, slaughtered thousands, bathed in the blood of innocents, and, not least, drove my own government into the ground with my own stupidity.
(pause)
And then I spent fifty years as a pile of ash while historians rewrote me into an evil, and male, sourcerer. Which, while incredibly irritating, turned out to be rather a stroke of luck in the long run.
EDWARD
Uh.
MARGOLOTTA (another radiant smile)
Nothink to vorry about, dahlink. I’m fully reformed now.
(pause)
So, Mr. Cullen, tell me about your… vegetarianism.
CARLISLE (at a complete loss)
Uh, uh, uh… It might be better to have this conversation at our home.
MARGOLOTTA
Ah, of course. Lead the way.
CARLISLE
Ah… One moment.
(The remaining CULLENs regroup, huddling around BELLA and whispering together briefly. MARGOLOTTA watches them with a faint, amused smirk. At last they come to an agreement, and while the “teens” leave with BELLA, CARLISLE turns back towards MARGOLOTTA.)
CARLISLE
Yes, well, if you’ll follow me…
MARGOLOTTA
Of course.
(They leave. Lights fade)
*
In my head Margolotta was totally the real power behind the Evil Empire. I know that is a really obscure piece of fanon, but it makes sense.
Also, the Temperance League >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>^10 Vegetarianism.
(November 15, 2011 - 12:04 am)
I wish I could write as amazingly as you can. This is great. :)
(November 18, 2011 - 12:16 pm)
@Elizabeth: Thank you. :)
*****
SCENE III - COMPARING TECHNIQUES
Lights up on the pristine, untouched white of the CULLEN living room. All the furniture is either white or glass. An enormous picture window opens onto the thick, verdant green of the forest outside.
The CULLENs, sans ALICE and JASPER, stand in a loose formation throughout the room, all facing MARGOLOTTA, who sits queenlike in an armchair, holding a long, evil-looking black cigarette holder in one hand and apparently oblivious to the tension. BELLA hides behind EDWARD, peeking around his shoulders every so often.
MARGOLOTTA takes a long drag on her cigarette, exhaling a cloud of unnaturally thick smoke, and smiles beauteously.
MARGOLOTTA
Quite a story, Dr. Cullen. Most… enlightening.
CARLISLE
Thank you?
MARGOLOTTA
One thing confuses me, however.
CARLISLE
Yes?
MARGOLOTTA
Why did you never seek to expand your movement? Surely, in a world with such delightfully oblivious humans, it would have been easy?
(CARLISLE looks suddenly uncomfortable.)
CARLISLE
Well, you see, such a thing might easily be misconstrued as a power grab of some kind.
EDWARD
The Volturi don’t take kindly to that sort of thing.
MARGOLOTTA
Hm. And so you keep to yourselves.
(another long drag, more foul, thick smoke)
May I tell you about the League of Temperance?
CARLISLE
The what?
(Almost subconsciously, the CULLENs turn towards EDWARD for an explanation, but he shakes his head.)
EDWARD
I can’t get a solid read on her. Every time I try she…
(he squints at MARGOLOTTA curiously)
...pushes me out again.
MARGOLOTTA
Ah, so it is you.
(radiant smile)
You know, where I come from, it is incredibly rude to read minds without due permission.
EDWARD
I can’t exactly help it.
MARGOLOTTA
Hm.
(more businesslike)
Now. Where I come from, vampirism is well known outside of the species, and of course, humans being what they are, they found ways of… fighting back. Some years ago… thirty-six, to be precise… I happened to meet a very bright young man who, among… other things... pointed out that, eventually, the humans would win by dint of sheer numbers.
I put some thought to the problem, and then began to, for lack of a better word, experiment.
(pause, thoughtful)
It started small, of course. Suck, but don’t impale, as it were. Little steps.
(sighing)
And then, after a while, I found that what I really wanted was not the blood itself, but the power. And there are politer ways of getting that. A few more years, and I realized that power was a bauble, that any thug could get power if they have a big enough stick. The real prize is control. When heavy weights are balanced on the scales, the trick is knowing where to put your thumb.
And all control starts with the self.
(another radiant smile)
So I founded- together with some recruits of mine- the Überwald League of Temperance. A self help group, if you will. We offer emotional and practical support to withdrawing vampires. It has gotten quite popular in the last six years or so of its operation.
CARLISLE
That’s quite a story.
MARGOLOTTA
I wasn’t finished.
CARLISLE
Sorry.
MARGOLOTTA
Black ribboners are expected to abstain completely from human blood. This quickly proved… problematic. Where I found it slightly challenging, but not terribly difficult after the first few months, others lost control quite frequently even after having been with the League for years.
It took a few years, but eventually the problem was discovered and remedied.
(she tilts her head to one side)
In fact it is the same problem that all of you suffer, with the possible exception of Dr. Cullen.
EDWARD (defensive)
What problem is that, then?
MARGOLOTTA
If your Bella were to cut herself right now, what would you do?
EDWARD
I-
MARGOLOTTA
Would you retain the capacity to say, ‘oh dear, Bella, you’re bleeding, let me get you a bandage?’
(pause)
Or would you be forced to hold your breath and run, lest you fly into a blood frenzy and kill her accidentally?
EDWARD
Well-
MARGOLOTTA
Am I correct in assuming that your siblings would have more or less the same problem?
CARLISLE
They do their best, Mrs von-
MARGOLOTTA (sharply)
Madam. Or Lady Margolotta, if you prefer.
CARLISLE
Madam, then.
MARGOLOTTA
Thank you.
(pause)
And I have no doubt they do their best, but they’re doing it wrong. You, on the other hand, would have no problems whatsoever, would you?
CARLISLE
Probably not.
MARGOLOTTA
I daresay you hardly notice the smell any more.
CARLISLE
Well, no.
MARGOLOTTA (prompting)
Because medicine is more important. You love helping people so much that it transcends the petty physical need for blood.
CARLISLE
That isn’t quite how I’d put it, but yes.
MARGOLOTTA
It’s a process the League of Temperance calls sublimation. The channeling of the obsession with blood into an obsession with… something else. Blood itself can be denied, you see, quite easily. The bloodlust, however, must be addressed and replaced, lest we end up like your Jasper.
Quite simple, really.
CARLISLE (slowly)
So you think that I… somehow replaced bloodlust with… being a doctor?
MARGOLOTTA
Just as I replaced it with politics, yes.
(she nods towards the younger CULLENs.)
Whereas they remain obsessed with blood at all times. You have been very lucky, so far, with comparatively few mistakes.
EDWARD (immensely curious)
So how does one go about… sublimating?
MARGOLOTTA (shrugging)
Depends. Find something you enjoy more than blood, and allow the obsession to kick in. Some choose other substances, coffee, beer… cigarettes…
(she waves the cigarette holder vaguely)
Others have hobbies, knitting, painting, that sort of thing. And still others choose jobs, as Dr. Cullen has.
EDWARD
Or you.
(MARGOLOTTA laughs)
MARGOLOTTA
If you choose to think of it that way, then yes.
CARLISLE
Well, you’ve certainly given us a lot to think about.
MARGOLOTTA
Good.
(rising)
I can tell when I have overstayed my welcome. Good evening.
(She leaves. The CULLENs stare after her, in varying states of thoughtfulness.)
EMMETT
Does anyone else feel like their brain just got punched?
ROSALIE
I think she made a lot of sense, actually. I mean, all of us have hobbies, right? I build cars and Emmett plays sports and Edward plays the piano and Esme cooks and Alice shops… But Jasper doesn’t really do anything consistently, and he’s the one with the biggest control issues, isn’t he?
EDWARD
I think we should keep an eye on her, anyway. I don’t trust her, and no matter what she says about sublimation and ‘b-totaling,’ the fact remains she’s got eyes like a newborn, she’s only been abstaining for eight years, and after that load of- whatever that was, about being from a different world and this being like a vacation for her…
BELLA
You’re just mad because you can’t read her mind.
EDWARD
It isn’t like how it is with you! With you it’s like you’re not there at all, but with her… I could feel her thoughts, I just couldn’t hear them. She was purposefully blocking me, somehow.
EMMETT
I’ll have to get her to teach me to do that, so’s you can’t cheat while we’re sparring.
ESME
I’m going to find Alice and Jasper…
CARLISLE
I’ll come with you.
(to the rest)
Edward, I think we should proceed with caution in regards to… Lady… Margolotta. Try to keep track of her, if you can.
(EDWARD nods grimly. Lights fade as ESME and CARLISLE exit.)
******
Most of the ranting about the Temperance League is Pterry's, not mine. The Fifth Elephant is an amazing book and I love it so much <3
(November 18, 2011 - 11:32 pm)
I'm enjoying this immensely. (: More!
(November 25, 2011 - 1:44 am)
Fourteen? Why did I say I was fourteen?! *facepalm*
Anywho.. *pokes thread* Top!
(November 26, 2011 - 8:02 pm)
Moooooooore please. I love where this is going. :)
(December 12, 2011 - 5:17 pm)